Mother cheating on father

[FormerSkeptic]

I live with my sister, father and mother.
Right now my father is on business trip. Mother is cheating on him with some guy in their room. She tried to hide it of course, but I noticed right now.
I've been thinking what's the right thing to do for over 30 minutes now, and can't decide.
Is it my responsibility to do something?
What I can do is:
-Talk with her about it
-Tell my father
-Talk with sister first and then decide together what's the best thing to do
-Do nothing, pretend I didn't notice anything

I have been thinking very deeply, projecting how each decision and outcome affects mine and their future. Just ended up even more confused.

[Izak]

Speak to your sister. Together decide whats the best approach, even if it goes bad, at least you did with someone who also cares.

My 4 cents.

[Criseyde]

Not your business, don't do anything.

[The Cloud]

First, I don't think it's the cheating that's the problem, it's the deception. If your mother were lying about something else equally important to your parent's marriage, would you get involved if you found out?

[Curious cat]

I don't think you should tell your father. I personally don't feel it's your place. It should be a conversation between your mother and father.

It may help diffuse tension and resentment you have toward your mother if you speak to her about it. I don't know your mother so i don't know how she will react, but you should be prepared in case she becomes defensive and ostile toward you.

If after thinking it through, you decide against confronting your mother, Consider a school counselor, as i am not sure if your sister is old enough to handle something this big. Though i would undertand that she would be just the person to appreciate and understand what you are going through.

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by FormerSkeptic

Is it my responsibility to do something?

No. You can still do something if you wish to get involved and take responsibility, but you're under no obligation to do so.

Originally Posted by FormerSkeptic

Talk with her about it

That could be an interesting conversation.

Originally Posted by FormerSkeptic

Tell my father

Ditto.

Originally Posted by FormerSkeptic

Talk with sister first and then decide together what's the best thing to do

Sounds reasonable, but how old is your sister? Is she able to deal with something like this? If not, don't bring her into it.

Originally Posted by FormerSkeptic

Do nothing, pretend I didn't notice anything

Not optimal, really. That sort of thing can eat away at you.

It's really unfair of your mother to put you in this situation, to be perfectly frank. There is such a thing as sexual discretion, and bringing a man home to your own bed while your kids are present isn't really discreet. I wonder if she actually wants to get caught.

The suggestion that you talk to a school counsellor is a really good one. Consider doing that. Having someone who is professionally trained to confide in can be extremely helpful. If nothing else, getting it off your chest can be a big relief. Carrying around a burden like this is difficult. Do consider sharing it with a counsellor.

[HiImJeremy]

If i were in your situation, i would confront my mother about it. I would tell her i'm not impressed, in fact down right disgusted in her behaviour, then i would tell her that she will need to tell her husband herself about it.

[aelle]

Massively uncool of your mother to implicate you in her adultery (or to implicate you in her marital difficulties at all). Your parents' relationship troubles are NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS and it sucks that she's making it your business against your will.
I would sit her down and say it's unacceptable that she implicated you in her affair (whether it was her intention or not) and that this should never happen again.

My parents tried to involve me in their separation (my mother because she needed a confidante, my father because he wanted us to not judge him or his mistress) and that was basically my line of conduct. I would refuse to take sides (out loud), lie to or deceive either party, and I basically maintained big fat boundaries even when it honestly felt a bit cruel. I considered that it was not my place and that it would be a massively unhealthy parent/child relationship development. Of course at the time I was in my 20s and almost independent, although I was temporarily back at home, depending on your current life situation you may want to tweak the plan.

[FormerSkeptic]

Thank you everyone. I am now more clear about what I am going to do.

[BillieAnn]

Originally Posted by FormerSkeptic

I live with my sister, father and mother.
Right now my father is on business trip. Mother is cheating on him with some guy in their room. She tried to hide it of course, but I noticed right now.
I've been thinking what's the right thing to do for over 30 minutes now, and can't decide.
Is it my responsibility to do something?
What I can do is:
-Talk with her about it
-Tell my father
-Talk with sister first and then decide together what's the best thing to do
-Do nothing, pretend I didn't notice anything

I have been thinking very deeply, projecting how each decision and outcome affects mine and their future. Just ended up even more confused.

Talk to your mom!

[momo3bur]

Definitely talk to your mother about this. Let her know how it makes you feel to be witness to her behavior and to be put in the position you're in. It is completely unfair to you.

She is an adult and it is her right to be faithful or unfaithful, but it is not mature, responsible, or fair to you to that she is basically forcing this burden upon you.

If I were you, I would talk to her and then leave it be. I wouldn't even tell your sister. Her cheating on your dad doesn't make her a bad person, sweetie. It obviously means there are some issues in their marriage that you or they may not even be aware of that need to be addressed. You mom definitely needs to know that YOU know, though, because she needs to learn how her actions affect her children.

Remember that whether or not you decide to tell your father, it is not your responsibility or your right to be involved in your parents marital affairs. I know you probably feel the need to protect your dad from your mom at this point, but if you can find a way to let that go and not feel guilt about, it might be better to leave it between them and just hope your mother does the appropriate thing in telling your father or stopping the affair (or whatever applies to their beliefs).

I can't remember what relationship therapist I remember saying this, but he suggested that finding out about an affair should always stay under wraps and be left to the married couple to sort out. It is nobody else's place or responsibility to bring themselves into it. He said something along the lines of people having affairs all the time whether it is morally ok or not. Many times they fall under the radar and the marriage can grow without being disturbed. So basically, sometimes it's best just to let it go and hope for the best.

I'm not sure if I agree with that, but it makes sense. We all make mistakes, some more harmful than others, so hopefully talking to your mom will open her eyes up to her actions and she can fix this problem before it's too late without hurting anyone else.

[AllTogetherNow]

for me, it would not be about 'morals' or judgement - it would be about someone else putting me in the middle.

imho, if this situation involved a friend, or even 'hearing' indirectly about what Mom is doing - but it did not involve you directly, then i would wholeheartedly agree it's "not your business". but, by doing this right under your nose, in the family home with you being right there - it IS now your business - and by keeping quiet about it, that would make you part of the deceit against your father. that's what would be unacceptable to me - i would not be comfortable with participating in lies or deceit against one parent, to cover up something for the other parent. this is an untenable position that no child should have to deal with. Whether Mom likes it or not, she is now responsible and accountable for putting you IN IT, directly.

for this reason i would have no choice but to speak directly to my Mom if i was in this position. i wouldn't necessarily 'tell her what to do', nor put forth any ultimatums, - but I would make it clear i'm not willing to disrespect my dad or be a partner in deceit.

[RonSouther]

Approach her with an open mind. No judgment. What you see on the outside doesn't tell you the inside story. You want the inside story but to approach her with judgment will shut her down.

No one owns anyone. People are not property and every relating is just two people. Everyone is trying to find the holy grail of happiness and nearly no one knows that its inside self, not outside in the form of other people or things, or in turning the other person into a thing.

So long as the person hasn't figured out what blocks happiness in life, errors will be made.

If your mom knew better, she would do better. With that in mind, have compassion and not judgment, ok?

[momo3bur]

Originally Posted by RonSouther

Approach her with an open mind. No judgment. What you see on the outside doesn't tell you the inside story. You want the inside story but to approach her with judgment will shut her down.

No one owns anyone. People are not property and every relating is just two people. Everyone is trying to find the holy grail of happiness and nearly no one knows that its inside self, not outside in the form of other people or things, or in turning the other person into a thing.

So long as the person hasn't figured out what blocks happiness in life, errors will be made.

If your mom knew better, she would do better. With that in mind, have compassion and not judgment, ok?

I agree very much with this Ron. You are a very forgiving and wise soul.

I understand this is going to be hard for him, though, considering this is his mother who has probably taught him that affairs are bad, etc., since he was young.

But in this case, he'll have to view her as an adult person, not just his mother, and if he chooses to talk to her it'll with have to be with tenderness concerning her feelings and with honesty concerning his own.

Personally, I think she does need to be aware of what position she's put him in by making her actions known to him, though. Being a mother, she has to remember how her behavior affects her children, especially when you're basically pitting one parent against another and causing a child to be torn as to what to do. He's being faced with a decision he should never have had to even contemplate.

People do make mistakes, though. Although an affair might not necessarily be a mistake or a crime, bringing your child into the middle of it and in turn creating a situation of guilt and anger and trying to choose which parent to side with is, IMO. She needs to fix it. Hopefully things will go smoothly for them.

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by momo3bur

I agree very much with this Ron. You are a very forgiving and wise soul.

.

I loved what you wrote here and in your other reply!

And I'm not "forgiving" because I'm not judgmental and I'm not offended.

I agree that she's putting him in a bad position and that as you say is the reason to confront her. He's not her prison guard. He needs to assert his freedom to be free of her choices.

But life isn't so black and white....it's every shade of grey including black and white.