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12-01-2011, 03:25 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: NYC, Miami
Posts: 29
 |  Get back w my ex-husband, I was a Stripper
Ok so first insight on me. I'm 24 My IQ is 165 and I never forget a name, face, person. actually I never forget Anything. At the work place I hide from my mangers how smart I am but I have always been a top earner at any club I worked at. I was abused as a child and was bullied, I never had any friends, hence why I'm here now for advice. Also I act like I have borderline personality but I don't drink and no drugs and I have a bachelor degree in business. I started dancing bc I had no money and my parents left town, my uncle kicked me out and a Pimp lured me into dancing at 20 yrs old (I had a game crash course from him and escaped from him after 3 days, his girls got me a job at my first club). I wanted to make a ton of money to show off to this guy who had money let's name him Adam. 6 mos later met my future husband (Matt) and after being w him 6 mos we eloped to (I was 21) We we married for 2 years. So Adam finally noticed me on Facebook and harmless chatting turned into me running off with him 1 1/2 years later to Europe. I quickly divorce my husband and ran off with Adam. Well problem is over the last 6 months I'm with Adam he has leeched almost 40K off me and he is not as responsible as Matt, my ex husband. Adam keeps pushing the date back in when he will pay me and I don't believe him. The passion between us is amazing and the chemistry. I love him, but I still love my ex-husband as a friend. Also my ex husband never ever took money from me. I've had 5k stolen from me as well since I'm with the new guy Adam. He is saying he will pay me back this week but he said that last month too..... I miss my old life living in both Miami and NYC and having my nice car that was paid off. My ex still has our old place in Miami, our cat, our car. I almost have nothing (unless this guy pays me back). Should I leave my current guy even if he pays me back? I love them both but in different ways. My ex let's me strip but never touches my money. My current has no idea I stripped for 3 years but he's taken A LOT of money from me as if he is using me.......... Please help and don't judge me. I'm a good person who made mistakes. My ex husband is saying he would want to start over with me and have a family. He still loves me and wants our old life back too. |
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12-01-2011, 03:51 PM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Berlin, Germany
Posts: 34
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Well, you didn't really say any negative things about you ex husband. It seems you just found Adam more exciting. Is excitement more important to you than the nice life with your ex husband? Also: I guess the problem will soon solve itself, when you run out of money and Adam moves on. |
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12-01-2011, 06:20 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Barleylands, United Kingdom
Posts: 1,257
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You've mentioned that you you do love you husband as a friend, but do you love him as a lover as well? At least from what you've written, that Adam guy doesn't seem to be a good choice, but assuming that you aren't attracted to your husband as a man and only see him as a friend, getting back with him doesn't seem to be a good option either, because, well, do you really want to settle down with someone you aren't attracted to and don't love in THAT way? Have you considered breaking-up with Adam and staying single for a while until you get things figured out? However, that's your choice to make, because in case you truly want to get back with your ex and he wants the same thing, well, then maybe you should go for it? Also, I was wondering have you considered changing careers and getting out of strip clubs? You don't seem to be very happy about that industry. You seem to be really smart, why not find a place where you won't have to hide it?  |
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12-01-2011, 08:23 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: NYC, Miami
Posts: 29
| Other career
Well before I somehow got mixed up in the industry I applied for 18 jobs.... I have been trading stocks but at the start of doing it consistently. Made $230 this week from it and $1600 last month. My best week at the club I made 25K after paying the club 20% (was one of the top girls in the best NYC club) I paid my taxes already for the first quarter. I also am trying to sell my artwork but I sell it to ppl from clubs. My ex husband is very good looking and he used to dance at a club as well. The current guy is just more affectionate and amazing in bed. My husband and I after 2 1/2 years stopped having fun. But now I realized I was always 100% about work. Used to work at 3 diff clubs a week and go to school full time (not getting enough sleep even). So I destroyed our relationship which was amazing the first year. Then in NYC I used to work 6 days a week 12-14 hour shifts. Now also I dont want to destroy Adam bc if I leave now it's right before his birthday and holidays :-/ the thing that bothers me most about Adam is he has been arrested before (not charged) on 3 felonies. My ex and I have zero criminal record and we save and are responsible......... I need a balance and I want a family soon. |
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12-01-2011, 08:32 PM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: NYC, Miami
Posts: 29
| Being alone
When I'm alone I cry a lot and get depressed. The last time I was alone I couldn't sleep. I'm so emotionally weak ever since being w Adam. When I was single I used to work 10 days non-stop at the club take 1 day off and do it again...........Bc that was the only way not to be alone. Friends w the girls and meet lots of smart, interesting guys. I never drank at work. Seriously feel like I need help. My ex is the only person who never screwed me over. I tend to be overly nice to people to the point where I get taken advantage of. |
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12-01-2011, 08:54 PM
| #6 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,203
| Quote:
Edit: Also, why do you act like you have a personality disorder? | |
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12-01-2011, 09:03 PM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: NYC, Miami
Posts: 29
| Being Judged
I posted on here almost 2 years ago and consensus was borderline personality disorder. My sister also has told me the same. Also I asked for advice back in July on the new guy, not even mentioning the stripping part and was called an idiot among other names on yahoo answers. Also my family has no idea I danced and neither does my current bf. Only person who knows is my ex and ppl from the club and my accountant. |
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12-01-2011, 09:32 PM
| #8 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,203
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12-01-2011, 10:02 PM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Funny location joke
Posts: 2,056
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I say the following not as judgement but as observation. There aren't bad people just bad decisions from people who currently lack the resources to make better ones. I have my own issues, which others here will be quite familiar with, so I'm in no way above anyone else. Although you have clearly been blessed with looks and intelligence, it seems like you are quite emotionally immature and consistently making bad decisions concerning your personal relationships, which is likely why you've placed yourself with an emotionally immature man. You don't want to leave the guy because he is affectionate and you have good sex, but those things alone do not build a relationship. There are like 3.5 billion guys in the world, and I guarantee there are other affectionate men who are good in bed out there who don't act in such an immature way . So I think the best idea is to leave him and not jump into anything with anyone for a little while. The level of issues you have occurring for you are beyond the scope of anyone on personal development boards to really help you with. I think your best bet may be to seek out a qualified professional and give them the same level of candor and honesty you have presented here. In my opinion, and keep in mind I'm just some stranger on an internet board, it sounds like some kind of cognitive therapy may be your best option as it helps you specifically identify, then change what may be flawed thinking on an on-going basis. In the meantime I think asking yourself what it is you are getting out of being involved in this situation is doing for you. What is the payoff? Also the way you look at yourself (both good and bad.) It seems to me (once again, only opinions from a stranger on a PD forum) that you hold both aspects of a hyper-inflated, and sort of self loathing image. Keep in mind that whatever your internal state is, it is coming from yourself and not your relationship to others. This is especially important to keep mind because you seem overly concerned with how others perceive you. No matter what others say about you, good or bad, you are the one translating that into the meaning it holds about you. Right now you are running around looking for a relationship with one of these two men to save you, and no person has that ability, so you will be disappointed either way. Last edited by BillyTheAdult; 12-01-2011 at 10:19 PM. |
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12-01-2011, 10:15 PM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Nevada USA
Posts: 143
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Are you sure you want my opinion? If a man left me for another woman and then a year and 1/2 later wanted back I'd tell him to ♥♥♥♥ off. I'd say be alone for a little while. Figure out what you want in life. |
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12-01-2011, 10:49 PM
| #12 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 80
| Quote:
So the excitement from this guy Adam has worn off and you wanna go back to the other guy, Matt? First things first, if Matt had any shred of dignity he would never speak to you again. You betrayed his trust, went behind his back and cheated on him with another man. The fact that you want back together with him is only a testament to the fact that you are using him for that stability and wanting to "settle down." You had your fun with the bad boy and now need the good guy to support you. You also couple these acts with talk about how smart you are and how you are a good person with just a few flaws. I'm sorry, but that does not make these actions any less horrible. Cheating on and deceiving your partner is one of the worst things you can do in a relationship and it should not be tolerated. | |
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12-02-2011, 12:18 AM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Madison, WI
Posts: 961
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You mentioned you were abused as a child If it was sexual abuse, that might explain why you cheated on your now ex husband and why this relationsihip you are in now is with a guy that you know is not good for you. It's called acting out. I liked BillytheAdult advice. You need to get professional help. You need to deal with the abuse of the past and heal before you can be in a healthy relationship. Otherwise you will repeat this pattern again with someone else. |
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12-02-2011, 07:38 AM
| #16 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: NYC, Miami
Posts: 29
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I had counseling once a week for a whole year hour sessions when I was 16 and was unable to open up. She said I was emotionally closed. When I'm back in USA going for counseling most absolutely. When i was 20 I met Adam and wad really infatuated with him and his brother (they used to eat at the restaurant I worked at) his brother made a lot of moves on me at that time. I had written a business plan one time for him and wanted to be just like him when I was 20. I bought the same brand clothes as him, started going to the gym 2 hours a day To look good for him. But never got in a relationship w him. I saved all my money and bought a 90K car to drive around the city I lived in hoping to run into him that he would like me now and that's when I met Matt. 6 mos later is when Adam contacted me online. Matt found my Skype conversation with Adam and didn't even get mad like he didn't care about me. Matt used to zone out and not even listen to me when I talked. I wanted to buy a house he and was telling me it's a bad idea bc of how much you pay in interest. Like we didn't agree on a lot of things. But I believe Matt loves with unconditionally... Adam loves and wants to marry me but he is so irresponsible I know we will have a difficult life. The wise thing to do is run back to my ex in our old home with our kitty. When I told my mom Adam wants me to marry him the first thing she said was "what about Matt?" I know she was napping but still  Both guys are 28 years old. |
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12-02-2011, 07:51 AM
| #17 (permalink) | |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: NYC, Miami
Posts: 29
| Quote:
It is horrible my first relationship I never cheated for 2 years. This relationship with Matt I also had caught his still chatting with his ex once and deleted her. I think in part working in the club changed my world view. I see so many married men trying desperately to cheat. It's like once a guy hits the age 35 they want to cheat... Miami is the worst for men trying to cheat. I wish I could take it back and wish I had taken Matt on vacation w me instead of going alone to meet Adam. I'm so confused and lost. | |
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12-02-2011, 07:58 PM
| #18 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,400
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You support yourself, so it's not a matter of survival. | |
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12-03-2011, 10:12 AM
| #19 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: NYC, Miami
Posts: 29
| Result
Now the questions I have to answer is do I cut my financial loses now? If he does pay me back do I still leave? I'm believe that since Adam, who blew all of his money, and felt no shame in borrowing money that this may be a habit that he can't break. Killed the respect in our relationship. Also criminal record IS a deal breaker. The only problem with my ex-husband was the sex; he couldn't perform for long and couldn't do the things I like in bed, more of a fixable problem? As for being alone I will try it again I just need some coping mechanism so I won't cry all the time. It's hard because I have no friends and don't relate to my family (counsilor may help and my insurance should cover it). Easier said than done. Now I need to find a transitional way to change careers. Would love to work in an art gallery. |
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12-03-2011, 01:06 PM
| #20 (permalink) | |||||
| Family Member Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,400
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Don't waste your life being with someone for money....let it go...if you can come to see your true beauty, money will stop being such a concern. Quote:
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The problem isn't your men, it's you. Sorry to be blunt, but you're relying on people that are relying on you and others for their own stability...it doesn't work.Imagine a room full of one-legged people and no crutches....everyone is going to be groping each other looking for "balance" in life. Grow your second leg which means to grow your intelligence about your "self" and life. If I may, please get this book Online Store - Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other My favorite quote in it is Quote:
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The beauty of a woman's body is spectacular but not like this. This isn't a moral issue but a spiritual one (not in the church sense). Don't quit your profession out of some idea, but you already know that this isn't your life (can't be anyhow because of aging). Make the money you need to transition and while you're doing it, watch your customers....see if they are seeking an escape off you. Ask them why they come there....get real with them. What void are they looking to fill? Squeeze as many lessons of life that you can out of them. Find out what they think of you, why they are interested in you. Just as you look into a real mirror to check your beauty, look into the reflection of the opinions of others, not to get gratified but just to see what they really think. Don't look for the ego trip, but for the truth. A "coping mechanism" is a way to trick your mind with some new mental habit. No, don't do that to yourself because whenever someone counters that with honesty, you will have to shut him down in order to keep your mind game. Find out what's real, find out what's false in your picture of life, and transition to a life of the heart vs. a life of trading sexuality for money to help lost men escape their ignorance of self. | |||||
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12-03-2011, 01:27 PM
| #21 (permalink) | ||||||
| Family Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Funny location joke
Posts: 2,056
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Look, I've been nice, and I agree that bad choices don't mean you're incapable of change. but you need to..... GET OVER YOURSELF!!! Your problem is pride. All of your problems have been caused by pride, and unless you get over yourself now, which despite your current actions you show no signs of doing, your future is going to be full of problems caused your by pride. Part of pride is constantly bouncing back and forth between pride and shame, as I stated earlier about the hyper inflated sense of self worth and self loathing. Read this entire response post, the whole thing is littered with refusal to acknowledge the real gravity of the situation of your life right now. Quote:
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You were clearly just using using him to perpetuate your own self image by having a badboy boyfriend, which is what you were really getting out of the whole thing, not the sex or any other made up thing you can come up with. So should you try to get your money back? I guess you should speak with a lawyer. There are probably lots of technicalities in play. Does he agree that he owes you money? Did he ever sign anything to that effect? Have you called the police about the stolen money? Whether you get it back or not, it seems like you pretty willingly payed it. Maybe should just view it as the fee you payed for the company of your psychological eye candy. Money for services rendered. Do you know what else kills respect in a relationship? Leaving some you love to have wild sex with a badboy. Quote:
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$1200 a month from stocks along with a regular job like a regular person works, is more than enough to get by on. Living in the NYC and Miami is about the image (pride.) There is no reason you have to be there. Despite the fact that you have come here and been upfront about your life, what I have not seen is any real acknowledgement of responsibility. It's you who did all this to yourself and unless you accept that fully without any excuses of what others did to you, nothing is ever going to change. It will be painful, but as I used to say to my friend "life is full of pain.... and your gonna want to have some." People spend all their time avoiding pain when it is a natural part of experience and is often just what you need to grow. Although hard to appreciate while your in it, it can be a truly beautiful thing. | ||||||
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12-03-2011, 04:52 PM
| #22 (permalink) | |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: NYC, Miami
Posts: 29
| Quote:
I am very astonished by this post. It really touched me and answered everything. Thank you. Honestly I have been looking for a crutch and obviously I can't put all the details in this post. I am going to be single for a while so I can figure things out. Not going to be looking for friends either and try to love myself. I have always had a very low self esteem. Even when I look in the mirror I think I am ugly. I see the chubby, pale 12 year old in the mirror who has an ugly birthmark. I think of the 3 years I didn't talk to anyone in elementary because I was made fun of so badly in school. I never had friends since I was 5 years old (speech impediments too). When I was 10-12 I used to think of killing myself everyday. I would sit in my closet and cry everyday. My sister used to destroy my art, punch me, choke me, hurt me however she could. I was testing knifes in elementary school to see which one would be sharp enough to kill myself but sliced my thumb and couldn't do it. I almost drowned one time at age 17, 2 days after something traumatic happened to me and I wanted to die so I drank maybe 15 shots in a swimming pool at a party. In a way getting noticed and told how beautiful I am in a club everyday from strangers was my drug. I needed to get the attention to feel good. The more money I make at work means the prettier I am.......... My ex-husband knows everything about my past, about me. I never hid anything from him. I think in part that's why I want to go back to him. He has never hurt me or stolen from me. He used to massage me for hours whenever I asked. It was the emotional support from him that allowed me to succeed so much. He believed in me. He saw I could do whatever I set my mind to. I've had over 20 jobs since being 15. I have a lot of talents. My father, Uncle, Grandmother all belong to Mensa, and I am incredibly smart. Just I am insecure, have a low-self esteem/image and it gets me into trouble. Last edited by Danisoov; 12-03-2011 at 05:01 PM. | |
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12-03-2011, 05:01 PM
| #23 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: Toronto & Amsterdam, Holland
Posts: 279
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Simple solution to all your problems. Start implementing Law of Attraction into your life and you'll never have another bad day again. Doesnt matter if you believe in it or not, just try it for a year or so and I guarantee it will change your life for the better |
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12-03-2011, 05:15 PM
| #24 (permalink) | |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: NYC, Miami
Posts: 29
| Quote:
When I made the decision to leave my ex is the same time I had Vallium prescribed to me. My ex husband blames the Vallium... Should I blame Vallium for ruining my life? I guess I do have pride because not a soul in the world knows I danced except the people I meet at the club and my ex-husband... no one else. | |
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12-03-2011, 05:21 PM
| #25 (permalink) | |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: NYC, Miami
Posts: 29
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12-03-2011, 05:45 PM
| #26 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: Toronto & Amsterdam, Holland
Posts: 279
| Quote:
Just stick to LOA sista, and everything will eventually work itself out  | |
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12-03-2011, 06:12 PM
| #27 (permalink) | ||
| Family Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Funny location joke
Posts: 2,056
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This is all coming from the works of David R. Hawkins by the way, which is a pretty integral part of my belief system. Even if you decide it's not for you you can check it out far enough to see the levels of consciousness, where I'm pulling this from. Everyone is basically coming from one primary way of relating to the world. Check out the spirituality section of the forums as well. Maybe you will find something useful to you. oh and you never answered. Why is it that you feel you can't relate to your family? Last edited by BillyTheAdult; 12-03-2011 at 06:24 PM. | ||
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12-03-2011, 06:38 PM
| #28 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,400
| Quote:
Vallium was used to treat the symptoms of the problem. The problem is that you don't love you. Solve that and your need for Vallium is gone. It's really one problem and a million ways that that problem manifests itself as you try to squeeze relief and happiness from the world around you. | |
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12-03-2011, 06:39 PM
| #29 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,400
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