21 yr old needs some guidance

[Technocrat]

Hello All,

I'm so glad I found this forum. I can finally ask people a few questions that have been troubling me for a while now.

Some info about me: I'm currently in college, heading to professional school in the future. My parents immigrated to the US in the 70s and I was born here. I have completed most of my education here (high school and college) but I completed the first six years of my schooling in India.

When I first came to the United States, I felt out of place. I had a hard time making friends, understanding the culture (for instance,I used to call my teachers either "Madam" or "Sir" out of respect, and they would take it negatively) and just fitting in. I was never subject to any discrimination- if anything it was mostly curiosity (Where are you from? I thought Indians looked different (I'm from the North) etc) but I was absolutely atrocious when it came to making friends. I had three best friends in high school, and all but one lost touch with me after graduation.

Where I grew up, there was a lot of diversity, but not a large Indian population. As such, I made friends with people from all backgrounds, who were mostly studious/nerdy like me. However, I never truly got to know them well- they still felt like forced friendships. I blamed (and still blame it) on my lack of interest in certain things that appeal to kids my age- alcohol, partying, watching any kind of professional sports and dating. Dont even get me started on that last one-I am absolutely terrified of asking a girl out.

In addition, and I think this is mostly me, I have a complex about the slight accent I have when I talk. Growing up and watching Apu on the Simpsons and hearing people say phrases like "Thank you, come again" gave me the chills, as it made it clear that the Indian accent was sufficient enough to make you a social pariah. I was terrified of speaking for a while because of this, and only spoke when absolutely necessary as a result. I forced myself to adopt an American accent over the years, but its still not perfect, at least according to me. I've asked my parents about this issue (my dad has an accent, not me mom) and they tell me I "sound American", but I have this sinking feeling that if I speak for too long or without pausing my Indian accent will "creep in".

This accent thing is one thing, and combined with my lack of fondness for most of the cornerstones of American youth culture, I have become a loner in college, and all I do is work, study, go to the gym and lead club meetings. I have "work friends" but no one I can call up and say "Lets watch a movie" etc. Even though there are so many Indians at my school, they are all well integrated into the culture,and love the NFL, etc, have perfect accents, etc- and I feel intimidated to go up and talk to them for fear of being labeled a "FOB" or "Fresh off the boat". Ironically the only "friends" I have are my professors, who are very happy with my academic performance.

I have absolutely no luck with girls- I dont know if its because I'm a minority, or ugly or what, because even Indian girls dont give me the time of day when it comes to having fun. I mentioned before that I am from the North- so I look Turkish/Persian, and as a result, I've had girls come up to me and inquire if I was any of those ethnicities, and when I say no, they want nothing to do with me. I dont know if the Indians also feel the same way about me- do they feel I am not "Indian enough?" I just dont know.

I am highly concerned about these developments, and I would appreciate thoughts on the subject. How can I erase my accent and become more confident? How can I fit in better in American culture and not be a robotic, nerdy,gymrat? How can I improve my chances with girls? Should I only stick to studying for now- or is dating a good idea? Should I never approach non-Indian women? I just think that I have very low self esteem and high anxiety. I can post my pictures for members to give them an idea as well.
Getting some feedback would be appreciated: Photo Album - Imgur

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Technocrat

I am highly concerned about these developments, and I would appreciate thoughts on the subject. How can I erase my accent and become more confident? How can I fit in better in American culture and not be a robotic, nerdy,gymrat? How can I improve my chances with girls? Should I only stick to studying for now- or is dating a good idea? Should I never approach non-Indian women? I just think that I have very low self esteem and high anxiety.

None of those things, the accent, the ethnicity, the lack of experience, matter that much. The biggest problem I see you having is that you think you've got problems. You're not ugly (the opinion of a white American guy), you're obviously intelligent, you're in college, I assume you're in good shape from being a gym-rat. The only way you could have more going for you is if you were filthy rich and two meters tall.

I'm not saying your life is a cakewalk, but your difficulties seem to be mostly self-generated. If you can just figure out why you worry so much and think so little of yourself, that's all you need to do. Everything will take care of itself once you learn to work with who you are instead of trying to change into someone you don't need to be.

[Kourosh]

Hello!

Perhaps some of my experiences can help you. Let´s see...

You have not been put on Earth to be and behave according other people´s norms.

Your task is to be yourself.

If you try to follow what you think other people expect from you, you will always be insecure about if you are doing the right or wrong thing, because you can never, ever be certain of what´s going on in somebody else´s mind. And you do not have to!

You have as much right as everybody else to just be YOU. Other people can take it or leave it.

A useful thing is to scrutinize your personal values.

I will give you a link to a page on my site, which explains in detail how you benefit from this exercise and make authentic choices. And appreciate who you are.

Personal Values Development; Discover your personal values to facilitate other c

I really wish you all the best. You are a great person!

Kourosh

[trees]

Hey Technocrat,
I'm also 21 years old, so I can relate to what you're saying. I think it's normal that people have self doubts and all of that; if you never have, you'd probably just be completely full of yourself.

But agreeing with some of what's said above me, there's nothing inherently wrong with you at all. Seriously. You're a good looking guy. You go to the gym. You got an Indian accent? So what?
I just went on this hiking trip with a friend (she's a girl) along with a couple other international students that we didn't know. One of the guys was from India and he obviously had a thick Indian accent. But this didn't stop the guy from joking around and saying what he wanted to say. I'm not saying my friend liked him or anything (in a romantic way), but he was definitely fun for her (and for me) to be around. Yes, people might judge you initially a bit, but everyone gets judged (and I'd argue, you're judging others all the time too).

So anyway, all I can say is try to stop focusing so much on yourself (I know it's hard). What I mean by that is asking questions like "why does this happen to me?", or "I should be doing this", or "I wish I had x and y attribute". You could get everything you ask for, but if you kept up the thought process, you'd NEVER be satisfied. Trust me on that one. It's like asking "what am I missing from my life?"....you could be [insert your role model here]...he/she's bound to be missing SOMETHING. Would you ever expect to win with a question like that? No way.

So focus on things you want; things you want to accomplish instead.

By the way, I'm not much of a partier myself (I have been to a few though). I will say this: parties are generally not the places you make friends....acquaintances, yes. But solid friendships? You're much better off looking elsewhere. Don't think you're missing out on much there.

Good luck with everything, man!

[Technocrat]

Thanks for all the replies. Another thing I forgot to add in my initial post was the fact that I tend to form friendships with people much older than me- in the range of 5-10 years older (sometimes even older- once, someone in my cell biology class who was a retired nurse asked to study with me specifically, citing the fact that I "looked mature")

Which brings me to yet another strange occurrence- I've had random people ask me questions like "How old are you?" and "Are you married?" These two questions, especially the latter, are quite puzzling indeed, and I cannot think of why people would be impelled to ask either. In fact, people in high school regularly assumed I was 25 years old, and now people think I'm in my late 20s! I used to wear a topaz on my ring finger as an astrological remedy, but I transferred that to my neck quite some time ago. Are such questions usually unwarranted, posed as "ice-breakers?"

[wanzulfikri]

Technocrat, you're one good looking fellow. There's no reason for you to feel out-of-place.

I believe you need one friend to guide you on living in your country or judt find a person of your race that you perceive as successful. Ask him what he had done to be that way.

[GaryMichaels]

I have to agree with TheCloud.

It sounds like most of your problems are self generated and the one that stands out the most is lack of confidence. This alone can be detrimental to your chances of finding a girlfriend and I think you really need to work on this before you even consider dating. I never suffered from low self esteem so I can’t relate to your situation. I went through depression when my first girlfriend passed away and I did some dumb things but I got through it by myself and later with the help of my Fiancée.

The best advice I can give you is to stop focusing on your faults and look at the positives. There is an old saying that goes “You can’t truly love somebody unless you love yourself” and I think this applies to you and your situation. Try being yourself for a change and be proud of who you are. Stop talking with a fake accent and start using your real voice. You should not have to talk like an American to get people to like you and if people make fun of you for it don’t associate with them anymore.

I live in Australia which is known as a multicultural society and I have friends from all different types of backgrounds too. Some of them still talk with very thick accents but they have managed to fit into society by being themselves. My Fiancée (Hailey) is half German and even though she doesn’t have an accent or even know how to speak in the language her Mother still does. She moved to Australia when she was eighteen and met Hailey’s father a few years later. I imagine it would have been very difficult for her to fit in at first too but she has and I believe it would have been by being herself.

You don’t have to drink or go to parties to have friends or a girlfriend. My Fiancée hates alcohol and most our friends don’t drink. After my first girlfriend passed away I became an alcoholic and when I gave it up I decided I was never going to date a woman that drank unless she kept it away from me because alcohol turned me into an extremely aggressive and violent person. I think you will find (as I have) there are a lot of women that don’t drink and it’s more common with females than males.

Partying was never me or my Fiancée’s thing either especially those loud parties where people have rap or techno ♥♥♥♥ blaring out their speakers. There are these teenagers that live behind us that have loud parties when their parents are out and Hailey often goes outside and knocks on their fence and tells them to keep their music and language down because our daughter can hear them. Not everybody is into partying, drinking or professional sports. You need to find people that have the same likes and interests as you.

[dogstar]

What makes Technocrat awesome? What are you good at? What excites you?

We've heard about all the things that you think may be wrong with you. Now spend some time and think about why you are awesome and only focus on that.

People are attracted to shining stars not dim lights. Find what lights your star and stay there. It doesn't matter what you look like, where you are from, or how you speak, if you light up with self confidence and self esteem and excitement, people will be attracted to you naturally.

It's not other people's job to seek out what is awesome in you - it is your job to project something to attract other people to you. Once you figure it out, it's easy to stay there.

Good luck hun!

[Criseyde]

I'm a half Indian girl (my mom is Tamil). We have similar coloring. People frequently think I'm Persian, too!

I think you're cute. You really have nothing to worry about, there. I DO think you look older than 21 -- maybe it's the way you part your hair..?

Don't worry about your accent: nobody worth getting to know is going to make fun of you or call you a fob. I bet you don't even really have one, if you've been here full-time since you were 10.

I'm also not really interested in sports and drinking, and I wasn't while in college, either. Girls like that do exist, you probably just won't find us at parties.

AND, don't let fear hold you back from trying to date non-Indian girls. I've known a lot of Indian guys who were able to do that just fine. No girl you actually want to date is going to reject you for being Indian.

Have you even tried to make friends with non-Indians? Just curious.

[Angelique]

Originally Posted by Technocrat

I have absolutely no luck with girls- I dont know if its because I'm a minority, or ugly or what, because even Indian girls dont give me the time of day when it comes to having fun.

Um.. ugly? No way, you're handsome.

Dating isn't so much about luck as it is about putting yourself out there with confidence and finding a good match.

Have you ever heard of Toastmasters? I totally recommend it if you want to improve your communication, confidence, or just get feedback about your accent. The members are usually very friendly, too.

[Technocrat]

Originally Posted by Criseyde

I'm a half Indian girl (my mom is Tamil). We have similar coloring. People frequently think I'm Persian, too!

I think you're cute. You really have nothing to worry about, there. I DO think you look older than 21 -- maybe it's the way you part your hair..?

Don't worry about your accent: nobody worth getting to know is going to make fun of you or call you a fob. I bet you don't even really have one, if you've been here full-time since you were 10.

I'm also not really interested in sports and drinking, and I wasn't while in college, either. Girls like that do exist, you probably just won't find us at parties.

AND, don't let fear hold you back from trying to date non-Indian girls. I've known a lot of Indian guys who were able to do that just fine. No girl you actually want to date is going to reject you for being Indian.

Have you even tried to make friends with non-Indians? Just curious.

Haha...what do ya know. If I may ask, what is your other half? You seem like a nice person Nice avatar by the way (hehe, get it?)

Its good to know that girls that are "my type" exist. I guess I have to be proactive and find them somehow. My problem is, once in a while I'll see a girl I'm extremely attracted to physically, but I shy away (indeed, I am scared of making prolonged eye contact for fear of coming across as a creeper) from conversation. Its funny, just the other day, this girl in my Anthropology class came and sat next to me, and I noticed her for the first time. Jaw droppingly gorgeous Whenever that happens (and its rare) I become very anxious and self aware. I got so nervous, I left to go the the bathroom and when I came back, I switched places to avoid eye contact. I dont know what happens, I feel like I am not "good enough" to date girls like her. As a girl let me ask you something, do you think mutual attraction is likely to exist if you feel magnetically attracted to a token few people? Should I take the leap and ask the person out? I've noticed this girl staring at me (dont know why) and trying to draw attention by offering me gum, etc, but I avoid looking at her because I start beaming instantly.

As far as the accent- whats funny is, I've had to give a speech in front of a live audience of 1,500 people in the Capitol, and I've done it without prior rehearsal, in a day's notice. When I saw the recording, I couldnt detect an accent, but it doesn't sound "good enough" if you know what I mean- this might sound funny, but I want it to sound perfect. I speak French as well, and my accent in French is oddly so good that people believe I am a native speaker. I want the same for English. It seems like I have trouble making "small talk" for some reason. I am good at talking substance, but small talk, not happening.

As far as dating, that is interesting. I mean, one of the things that I've thought about when it comes to dating is, how much do looks count? They have to play a role- lets be honest, would you really date someone you weren't attracted to? I don't think its shallow if you truly believe you wont have physical attraction/tension with the person. Another thing- is it wrong to only go after girls that I find extremely attractive (if I do go after them, of course) even if I'm not as gifted in the looks department as them? What I mean is, wouldn't it look strange if I tried to date a girl who was just "out of my league"? It could raise questions about the veracity of the relationship, no? In the end, we have to settle for what is realistically possible, and how we look plays a large role in that- unless you're filthy rich. How do I know if mutual attraction exists?

I've tried making friends with non-Indians, and it has been rewarding and successful, but as I mentioned, I still feel kind of forced because I have not yet found friends who truly fit my interests. Monday night football and a beer keg tends to be my non-Indian friend's idea of a good time.


All of this introspection has been highly rewarding. I'm heading to medical school next fall, so I'm trying to polish away the last few bumps in my personality so I can perform to the best of my ability. I greatly appreciate all the replies so far.

[Technocrat]

Originally Posted by Angelique

Um.. ugly? No way, you're handsome.

Dating isn't so much about luck as it is about putting yourself out there with confidence and finding a good match.

Have you ever heard of Toastmasters? I totally recommend it if you want to improve your communication, confidence, or just get feedback about your accent. The members are usually very friendly, too.

Thank you Angleique You're gorgeous yourself.

I have looked into Toastmasters, and have seriously contemplated joining the one near my house. The only problem is, its mostly Goldman Sachs employees and I would feel exceptionally intimidated to go there as a newbie. I'll try to find one that is more open to the general public.

[Criseyde]

Originally Posted by Technocrat

Haha...what do ya know. If I may ask, what is your other half? You seem like a nice person Nice avatar by the way (hehe, get it?)

Irish/German combo originally, but that side of my family has been in the US for a few generations.

And thanks, I think Krishna is my favorite avatar.

Its good to know that girls that are "my type" exist. I guess I have to be proactive and find them somehow. My problem is, once in a while I'll see a girl I'm extremely attracted to physically, but I shy away (indeed, I am scared of making prolonged eye contact for fear of coming across as a creeper) from conversation. Its funny, just the other day, this girl in my Anthropology class came and sat next to me, and I noticed her for the first time. Jaw droppingly gorgeous Whenever that happens (and its rare) I become very anxious and self aware. I got so nervous, I left to go the the bathroom and when I came back, I switched places to avoid eye contact. I dont know what happens, I feel like I am not "good enough" to date girls like her. As a girl let me ask you something, do you think mutual attraction is likely to exist if you feel magnetically attracted to a token few people? Should I take the leap and ask the person out? I've noticed this girl staring at me (dont know why) and trying to draw attention by offering me gum, etc, but I avoid looking at her because I start beaming instantly.

Well, I can't speak for all girls. But I think if you feel attraction, you should ask them out. The worst they can say is no, and it's not really a loss if you didn't know them to begin with, right?

As far as dating, that is interesting. I mean, one of the things that I've thought about when it comes to dating is, how much do looks count? They have to play a role- lets be honest, would you really date someone you weren't attracted to? I don't think its shallow if you truly believe you wont have physical attraction/tension with the person. Another thing- is it wrong to only go after girls that I find extremely attractive (if I do go after them, of course) even if I'm not as gifted in the looks department as them? What I mean is, wouldn't it look strange if I tried to date a girl who was just "out of my league"? It could raise questions about the veracity of the relationship, no? In the end, we have to settle for what is realistically possible, and how we look plays a large role in that- unless you're filthy rich. How do I know if mutual attraction exists?

Yes, you have to feel attraction to somebody that you're dating, otherwise it won't work. But I think that looks are highly overrated. I don't say that because I think you shouldn't "overreach" because it's unrealistic or anything like that. I just don't think that looks are all that important. Most people are reasonably attractive (and looks change!), so it's better to focus on finding people with whom you're compatible. To me, kindness is the most important quality. There are other important ones, but even Hrithik Roshan would lose his attractiveness in my eyes if I saw him being cruel to others.

I've tried making friends with non-Indians, and it has been rewarding and successful, but as I mentioned, I still feel kind of forced because I have not yet found friends who truly fit my interests. Monday night football and a beer keg tends to be my non-Indian friend's idea of a good time.

Oh yeah, I know what you mean. I think that's a function of age group. Maybe?

[Technocrat]

Originally Posted by Criseyde

Irish/German combo originally, but that side of my family has been in the US for a few generations.

And thanks, I think Krishna is my favorite avatar.



Well, I can't speak for all girls. But I think if you feel attraction, you should ask them out. The worst they can say is no, and it's not really a loss if you didn't know them to begin with, right?



Yes, you have to feel attraction to somebody that you're dating, otherwise it won't work. But I think that looks are highly overrated. I don't say that because I think you shouldn't "overreach" because it's unrealistic or anything like that. I just don't think that looks are all that important. Most people are reasonably attractive (and looks change!), so it's better to focus on finding people with whom you're compatible. To me, kindness is the most important quality. There are other important ones, but even Hrithik Roshan would lose his attractiveness in my eyes if I saw him being cruel to others.



Oh yeah, I know what you mean. I think that's a function of age group. Maybe?

Haha, IMO Hrithik Roshan is one of the most handsome men (no homo I have ever seen. Might be the best movie star on the planet. Right up there with Aishwarya Rai, Bipasha Basu and Priyanka in terms of attractiveness. We have similar taste, it seems! Hehe. Are you bi/tri lingual by any chance?

[Criseyde]

Originally Posted by Technocrat

Haha, IMO Hrithik Roshan is one of the most handsome men (no homo I have ever seen. Might be the best movie star on the planet. Right up there with Aishwarya Rai, Bipasha Basu and Priyanka in terms of attractiveness. We have similar taste, it seems! Hehe. Are you bi/tri lingual by any chance?

He really is. And yes, all the women you named are ridiculously beautiful, but I have a thing for Gracy Singh.

Sadly, I am not bilingual. I have some French and a smattering of Spanish, but nothing too impressive.

[Apresto]

There is a sitcom that features an Indian guy who literary can't talk when a woman is around. Not even to his friends. He can talk only if he gets drunk. The series is called "The Big Bang Theory". You should check it out.
Probably a lot of people watch it since it became popular. At the end of the day that Indian guy with funny accent and absolutely no experience with women remains the coolest of all although he's not the main character. Anyway, not to spoil it all, let me know if you find watching it useful in any way.

[Albalida]

To add to Apresto, it's been a long time since Apu. Our generation has the gift of Dev Patel, who speaks in all sorts of different accents for a wide range of characters with different personalities, all Indian. The stereotype is breaking. There's also Principal Figgins, who is sometimes foolish and sometimes outsmarts the other faculty members on Glee, and remains their boss through it all.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that nobody thinks Indians with heavy accents are cartoon characters with low-income careers, but for every one who does think that and voices it, there are probably three to five people who would consider them racist jerks (or at least embarrassingly outdated in their pop culture.)

Speaking of which: 'The Griffin Equivalency' and `The Terminator Decoupling` are my favorite Raj episodes of Big Bang Theory.

I'd learned that accents change without you knowing it, depending on who you hear around you. When I went to the Philippines for college after attending high school abroad, people thought I was a prig because I spoke English with a very clipped accent and verbal tics that I had picked up from my classmates. I've lost that a bit now, so if I moved back to my high school town, certain members of the ethnic majority might in all likelihood presume that I'm a housekeeper or mail order bride. But-- this is my important point-- I would never sever contact with my friends and family here, just to get my clipped accent back. What for, so I can conform to a trait that would raise the esteem of me in the eyes of... a bunch of strangers? Never.

And, once I decided that, the fact remains that I still have a terribly provincial accent, but I stopped worrying. When I stop worrying, I stop showing my worry. When that happens, I act comfortably like myself. When that happens, among other good things, foreigners that I converse with are noticeably quicker to treat me like a person.

Of course, if you still feel like going about it the hard way, tongue twisters in drama class neutralized my accent immensely, along with a lot of silly-looking (but immensely fun!) vocal exercises for loosening the jaw and lips.

Sorry I can't help you with girls. I can't even get one for myself!

[Brutha]

I had three best friends in high school, and all but one lost touch with me after graduation.

That sentence reveal a strange mindset.
Don't disassociete yourself from your life.

Say "I lost touch with them" instead of "They lost touch with me".

[Technocrat]

Originally Posted by Criseyde

He really is. And yes, all the women you named are ridiculously beautiful, but I have a thing for Gracy Singh.

Sadly, I am not bilingual. I have some French and a smattering of Spanish, but nothing too impressive.

So I asked out that girl in my Anth class finally. Bad news. She smiled and said "We can be friends, but you're not my type"- Haha after this I doubt I'll ever have the courage to hang out with her again. Im so glad this class is over now. Anyways, why do you think she would say that? (Different race? She is Caucasian))

I wont think about it too much, but suffice to say I wont be asking out another girl for quite some time.

[awdye]

Originally Posted by Technocrat

...but suffice to say I wont be asking out another girl for quite some time.

That's too bad. Risking is the only way to confront fear and achieve this goal.

Maybe it's a good time to ask yourself why you give dating so much control over your sense of self value.

I hope you choose to put yourself out there as the wonderful and unique person you are. Otherwise, you may end up going through life trying to be something other than what you are...and that's no way to really live.

[Criseyde]

Originally Posted by Technocrat

So I asked out that girl in my Anth class finally. Bad news. She smiled and said "We can be friends, but you're not my type"- Haha after this I doubt I'll ever have the courage to hang out with her again. Im so glad this class is over now. Anyways, why do you think she would say that? (Different race? She is Caucasian))

I wont think about it too much, but suffice to say I wont be asking out another girl for quite some time.

I dunno. Maybe she was just saying that because she doesn't know you well. Maybe you really aren't her type. Maybe she goes for party boys, or guys with different personalities. I wouldn't automatically assume it's about your race.

I don't see why you should stop asking girls out just because one rejected you. Do you stop studying if you get a bad grade on one assignment? Not that interacting with people is anything like taking tests, but you might want to examine the areas where you get easily discouraged vs. the areas where you don't.

[Angelique]

Thank you.