Afraid of Hurting Men

[rawxstasy]

Last night I went out with a friend of mine to meet a couple of guys she knows. The men I met both seemed very nice. A little older than me but I enjoyed their company. I felt that both of them found me attractive. The one guy in particular ( Tom ) I felt really secure with. My friend told me that he's been dating a lot of girls and is wanting a serious relationship but everyone he meets puts him in the friend zone.

I have been in two abusive marriages and never was in a healthy relationship my whole life ( now I"m 46 ). I have done a lot of healing and feel that I am ready to start dating again. The thing is although I feel secure with Tom I am more interested in friendship. I don't really feel attracted to him physically but I believe that he and I have some things in common and could have a good time together. I just don't want him to get hurt. I have avoided men for a long time because I was afraid and usually when I did let someone get close, they want to get serious right away and then they end up getting hurt.

But I am thinking I gotta start somewhere? Maybe I am worrying about this too much, he hasn't even asked me out yet. Although I'm sure he will at some point.

What should I do?

[CroMagna]

Sometimes the "oh just give him a chance guy" turns out to be just as jerky as the Alpha dog. So I wouldn't worry about it too much, as you don't really even know this guy yet.

It's not your job to go out with someone out of sheer pity. You'll just be uncomfortable for the entire duration of the relationship and he'll be even more hurt in the long run when you eventually cut him off. But it's not fair to use him for friendship when you know he wants something more. So if I were you, I would cut him off completely before things start to pick up.

[Asten]

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

Last night I went out with a friend of mine to meet a couple of guys she knows. The men I met both seemed very nice. A little older than me but I enjoyed their company. I felt that both of them found me attractive. The one guy in particular ( Tom ) I felt really secure with. My friend told me that he's been dating a lot of girls and is wanting a serious relationship but everyone he meets puts him in the friend zone.

I have been in two abusive marriages and never was in a healthy relationship my whole life ( now I"m 46 ). I have done a lot of healing and feel that I am ready to start dating again. The thing is although I feel secure with Tom I am more interested in friendship. I don't really feel attracted to him physically but I believe that he and I have some things in common and could have a good time together. I just don't want him to get hurt. I have avoided men for a long time because I was afraid and usually when I did let someone get close, they want to get serious right away and then they end up getting hurt.

But I am thinking I gotta start somewhere? Maybe I am worrying about this too much, he hasn't even asked me out yet. Although I'm sure he will at some point.

What should I do?

The most important thing I've learned about relationships (of all kinds) is to be honest--communicate. If he asks you out, make it clear where you're at. Say exactly the kinds of things you said here, depending on how open you want to be. If you decide to try dating him, be honest that you don't know if it'll work. If you decide not to, be honest about why. Even if he doesn't, you could even bring this up, depending on where things seem to be headed.

More often than not, people appreciate honesty that comes from a genuine place, even when they don't like what they're hearing, because it shows respect for the person. And if they don't--that's their own insecurities.

I have avoided men for a long time because I was afraid and usually when I did let someone get close, they want to get serious right away and then they end up getting hurt.

I'm at that point as well. For some reason I attract people who want to get really serious (like "marry me" serious) right away, even though I'm interested in intense, spiritual, but definitely open and fluid dating.

I'm figuring out that, again, communication and honesty is the key to dealing with this too. It's a matter of setting your boundaries up early and keeping them. If you make your boundaries clear right away, you can't blame yourself for them getting hurt because they expect more than that (though I'd argue you couldn't anyway, because they should make THEIR expectations clear right away too). It takes some bravery to not be submissive and let someone else decide your boundaries for you, but it's worth it.

Good luck.

[butterflyeffect]

Wow, you've come so far. I am really glad to for you. My suggestion, would be to take it slow, baby steps. Push yourself just outside of your comfort zone but be honest.

I.e. Go on a date and say how your feeling, but don't commit to a serious relationship. Maybe a date will give you some additional clarity?

Lots of love and healing xxxx

[votoshka]

I think you just need to be clear with him about the way you feel. If he asks you on a date, and you want to go out with him as a friend, then tell him so! Don't let him think there could be more to the relationship than there is, but do let him know you're interested in getting to know him better as a person.

He either accepts that, or he doesn't. If he's only interested in dating you romantically and you've been 100% clear that you're after friendship only, then he's only got himself to blame if things don't work out the way he wants.

[BillyTheAdult]

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

What should I do?

Stop projecting problems into the future that don't exist yet. Do you see where this man has not even asked you out and you are creating problems based on contingencies of hypotheticals?
Is it possible you are underestimating this mans level of maturity and the reaction he may have?

[Angelique]

From what I understand, it hurts more when you're not clear about your romantic disinterest.

[Curious cat]

Hey, i'm happy to hear that you've progressed in your healing. I'm relatively new here, so i don't know your whole journey, but it sounds as though you've made great strides and doing well.

Just echoing what pp are saying regarding honesty. Tell it to him straight, he's a grown man, and if he gets hurt, at least he'd be jumping in with two feet.

I think it's good that you want to be prepared for things, as sometimes being put on the spotlight can be intimidating. So i think it's great that you have some idea how to react in certain situations. But try not to overthink it, and just enjoy his company for now.

All the best.

Edit: i'd like to add that initial attraction is important, so try not to pressure yourself into a relationship if you're just not feeling it.

[TonyToneTone]

It already doesn't sound good to begin with. You're trying to logically force yourself to go out with someone you're not attracted to. Don't do anything out of a sense of obligation to meet some social standard. If you like the guy and want to go out with him, go, if you don't, do. It's that simple.

And please watch your self-talk. I don't think you're afraid of hurting ALL men, I think you're just afraid of hurting this one guy because he's not your type which will in turn hurt you.

[Million Dollar Man]

Well it sounds like you don't like him because he is not so good looking
which is natural. But yes don't play with him, or make it clear friends only.

[rawxstasy]

Thanks for the replies. I think I will not go out with this guy if he asks me. After having some more time to think about it, he seemed kind of desperate and I just don't want to get anything started with someone like that.

Thanks again!