Daughter in Law nightmare

[hurtingnana]

Hello, I am new to this site, I found it in search of help in dealing with my daughter in law problem. My husband and I have been so good to our daughter in law. We accepted her and welcomed her into our family with open arms, but now everytime she comes to our home she lashes out at me in a very rude and disrespectful way. I tried talking to her over Thanksgiving but she was too irrational and I know that the issue is not resolved. I have truly thought about it and the only thing I can come up with is jealousy. Not of me, but of many things. Her parents are divorced by only a couple years now and we are not. We are very close to her and our sons child and her parents I dont think are. I think she is having to work really hard at involving her family with her daughter.
This is just my guess and if I am right I really need advice...If you read something else that I dont in what I have just told you then please let me know becouse I do want to keep a good relationship for my sons sake and the grandchilds. Help me please I really dont know how to deal with her anymore.

[Angela]

From her perspective, what is it, do you think, that has her lashing out? I doubt very much that she feels she's lashing out out of jealousy or that she thinks she's being irrational. How do you think you are occurring for her that has her responding to you the way she does?

[frosting]

I agree with Angela as well. I don't think it is necessarily jealously either. When relationships come to this point of broken hurtingnana it is without a doubt a two-way street. It wasn't only her doing all the damage, you must of contributed something. It sounds like there are important missing links in the story and you are placing all the guilt on the daughter in law. I say this because if you really want to fix the relationship you have to take a step back and try to see the situation in a grander light. Where did it start? What fights have been had, over what? Petty things, large things? Have you at all ridiculed on how your daughter in law was raising her child? Just ideas to get you thinking.

If you are trying to have a conversation with your daughter in law to fix the relationship and it is coming off as if " YOU caused this! YOU'RE the bad one! Why won't YOU just stop?" as opposed to you at least recognizing some of your own faults as well I can't imagine that conversation is going to go well. When you "man up" so to speak, to your own actions that may have contributed to the present state of things, its easier to take you seriously that you do want to fix things. It shows you are willing to put in effort as well to correct how you may be acting.

[Angela]

By the way, I wasn't suggesting "it's your fault" -- only that, from your DiL's point of view, you are probably occurring in a particular way that has her actions perfectly correlate with that occurring. And that way you are showing up for her may be something you're doing or thinking, or it may be some misunderstanding, or it may be there's something missing that would make a difference if one or both of you were to generate it.

In other words, it's your opportunity. That kind of opportunity is often found by stepping into the other person's point of view, temporarily, to see how things look from there. That's where real power to make a difference can BAM! show up, easily and effortlessly.

[The Cloud]

How did you try resolving the situation over Thanksgiving, and how did she react?

[momo3bur]

If she's forward enough to lash out at you, then surely she's given you a reason for why she's upset with you.

Chances are, the reason she gave you is exactly what the problem is.

Common MiL/DiL issues that bother DiL but MiL doesn't seem to understand the issue with (not saying these are happening with you, but these is just a list of common problems I've dealt with myself and many of my girlfriends also have problems with that just can't be resolved because the MiL doesn't exactly understand why the DiL would have a problem with these things):

1. Giving advice when not asked for advice, especially advice that would make the DiL feel inadequate or like a child
2. Comments on things that need to be "done" around the house
3. Undermining daughter's authority when it comes to child (i.e., child: "I WAN'T A COOKIE!" DiL: "Not now" MiL: "OH, she can have a cookie" then gives child a cookie while mother SEARS in anger. LOL.
4. Showing up unannounced/uninvited to DiL and son's home
5. Walking through doors without knocking after showing up uninvited
6. Making decisions with son and asking to leave DiL out
7. Asking a thousand questions about WHY DiL does "this or that" and then always giving lecture after DiL answers in the best way she felt she could've in order TO get out of lecture
8. Always showing disproval about DiL and Son's decisions as if they are still children instead of treating them as if they are capable adults (this EVEN applies to decisions MiL knows FOR SURE will bomb and feels like she's actually helping DiL and son with by advising against)
9. Saying "I told you so!" after above mentioned decision does bomb.

LOL. These are only a few things I can think of right now and I do not mean this to be offensive in anyway, they are just some of the problems I've found to be pretty common between those two female roles.

Sometimes I think my mother in law does things without realizing how irritating they are to me, so I don't ever lash out at her. She always means well. But there have been times that I've had to completely cut off communication for a while because she's literally driving me nuts.

On the same dime, I'm sure I drive her nuts quite often as well.