Boyfriend mental illnesses - should I break up?

[pinetree]

Hello all,

This is my first post on the forum and I registered because I am in a very difficult period of my relationship with my boyfriend.

He's an ex-alcoholic (he stopped after I gave him an ultimatum), we live together and most of the time we get along well. But this week he's smoked a lot of pot and it made our relationship unbearable. He was grumpy, always on the defensive, and we didn't spend time with each other when we were both home because I can't stand him when he smoked. By the way, he's 29 and I'm 24.

He already has a pessimistic personality (like sometimes he says he hates humanity) and he's bipolar, depressed, burned-out, has a low frustration threshold, and an addictive personality. He says he smoked to relax and be creative for some writing he had to do. I told him he could find other ways to relax and be creative.

Anyways, we used to smoke together but I stopped all drugs and alcohol this summer - while he stopped only alcohol. I was fine with it - until this week. I realized I did not want to start a life with someone who smoked pot, even once in a while. It comes with a mindset that I can't stand anymore, that laziness/I don't care attitude I used to have a couple years ago.

We had a fight today and I told him I wanted emotional stability in my life. That I was seriously thinking of breaking up with him. He said I couldn't blame him for his mental problems, it's like I was blaming someone who had cancer. (...) He told me I was bipolar too, because I impulsively quit school to go to Europe without much money 5 years ago. I told him I worked on myself since then and that I wasn't like that anymore. I then asked him what HE was doing about his mental illnesses. He said I had to accept him for who he is. He accused me of being unstable starting this fight, I told him that I might be more stable without him in my life.

The thing is, if we broke up, I'd be fine. I'd keep the apartment, keep working, keep doing my things. But he's covered with debts, unstable, has a job he hates and nowhere to go.

He said he wanted to stop smoking pot (looking angry at me), but I'm afraid that if he does, it will just be because he is afraid of what would happen if we broke up. When he stopped drinking, he really wanted to stop. But he's got nothing against pot himself and most of his friends smoke...

I don't know if we'll be able to overcome this. On the other side, lately he's been drinking less coffee now, he canceled the cable to his TV (I never watch it myself), I attuned him to Reiki level 3 a couple weeks ago (here there are 4 levels) and he is sweet when it comes to helping me around the apartment and just living together. Maybe we're in a transitional phase?

The things that worry me the most are his mental problems and his drug use. I want to have children, but I don't think it would be wise to have them with him... at least in the stage he is now.

He really badly wants us to stay together, but I'm tired of having to push for ultimatums. Because I'd have to tell him to stop smoking pot and to see someone for his mental balance. But what would be next?

Have any of you ever found yourself in a situation like this? Or do you have any helpful hints?

[Criseyde]

My ex-best friend in the whole world, with whom I was completely in love, had/has a drug and alcohol problem. Our friendship ended over it almost four years ago. This past week, a mutual friend showed me photos of him passed out in between his mattress and boxspring.

Don't expect him to change unless HE really wants to.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by pinetree

....sometimes he says he hates humanity

It amazes me that men can say something very directly and outright, and women will just refuse to hear it.

Have any of you ever found yourself in a situation like this? Or do you have any helpful hints?

I count myself among those women, by the way. I had a boyfriend I was crazy about, and he told me right out that he didn't like people, and that he was angry at women. I talked myself into believing that I was exempt from that -- surely he didn't include ME?!? I was the sole exception, I believed, the one who would cure him of his wounds.

I was a nincompoop. I stuck around long enough to get the brunt of his hatred and anger, long enough for it to be a very painful breakup when I finally got my fill of the hatred and the anger. If I had generously listened to him at the beginning, when he told me straight out how he felt, I could have said, "Ok, I'll pass, best wishes to you!" and that would have been that.

Just before the very ugly end, I thought I had gotten pregnant. As it turned out, I either wasn't or I had a miscarriage. All I can say about that is: "Whew!" At the time I romanticized about how maybe a baby would make things better, but in retrospect, it would have been just creating another person for him to hate and be angry at.

My helpful hint is: Skeedaddle, pronto.

[garentee]

Originally Posted by pinetree

and he's bipolar,

Is he on medication or has he recently gone off of his meds? If so He needs to be on meds to keep himself on an even keel... unfortunately going off the meds is really common among those who are bi-polar because they enjoy the highs a LOT...If he is unwilling to get on or back on meds, it is best to leave for your own well being....

[pinetree]

@ garentee
He's never taken meds for that, only for depression and anxiety, but he stopped when we started dating almost a year ago.

Yesterday we had a discussion about his drug use (we were in a café), and I didn't want to make a scene. I breathed, calmed and centered myself and I just stated the facts of how I was feeling and what needs I needed to be met in the relationship regarding him stopping to do drugs. I then asked him about his needs in the situation.

Here is the rest of the conversation:

HIM - You're annoying with your personal development s**t.
ME - Well, without that, I'd be shouting at you right now.
HIM - At least that would have been clear.
ME - I don't want to shout. Why do you always want me to shout anyways?
HIM - Because it's more real.
ME - So telling you how I feel and what I think is not real?
HIM - It doesn't feel real.

I think this is a pretty bipolar reaction, wanting shouting instead of a more mature discussion. He told me many times since we met that he wanted me to shout and be really angry at him. I don't see the use in that when it's possible to just talk.

@ angela

Funny, I hadn't realized that his comment on humanity included me... So I just asked him that question about half an hour ago. He said I was not part of humanity, I was part of the future of humanity. He then started on how humans are going to evolve and how arts, culture and history are gonna disappear... I was just like WTF? I told him this didn't make any sense to me and that humanity was going to continue with us being humans.

Then I asked him why he hated humanity so much, he asked me if I'd read the newspapers lately, I said no. I asked him if he hated the people he worked with. He said not as individuals but them as a group, he hates what they represent, it's like a love/hate relationship. I asked him if that was how he felt about me. He said "No! I love you!" I just stared at him.

I then asked him if he still thought he wasn't responsible for his life (he'd said that yesterday) and he said yes. I asked him who was responsible for his life then. He said my ancestors and the people who came before me. I told him that then, if he was to have kids, they would not be responsible for their life? He said, maybe or maybe not. Then I asked, why aren't you among the maybe nots? He said, you know philosophy, we're not gonna start a debate between determinism and free will.

At that moment, something broke inside of me. That wasn't my boyfriend. That was some guy saying stuff that made no sense to me. I had nothing to do with him. I didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore.

@ Criseyde

I think at that moment, I realized he was not going to change. I told him I wanted to break up, that it was over. I told him why. He defended himself a little bit and then left for his office.

* * *

I think I pretty much knew where I was heading after I wrote the first post. I reread myself and I was like... wow, is this really my situation? How could I choose to stay with him, it's impossible.

Then I read your posts girls and it gave me that extra boost of confidence to stay true to myself and do what I had to do.

Oh boy, I'm still in a shock, I feel nothing, void. He's still in the apartment in another room... it's gonna be weird living with him until he finds a place to move to. Did you ever have to deal with something like that?

But it's worth the freedom I'll have afterwards, for the rest of my life hopefully.

Thank you, this meant a lot to me.

Hugs

Pinetree

[Angela]

Originally Posted by pinetree

...it's gonna be weird living with him until he finds a place to move to. Did you ever have to deal with something like that?

I was living in a foreign country with my humanity hater. That period between recognizing it was time to go, and actually going, was somewhat awkward. Now it seems like a very long time ago.

[garentee]

Originally Posted by pinetree

@ garentee
He's never taken meds for that, only for depression and anxiety, but he stopped when we started dating almost a year ago.

Yesterday we had a discussion about his drug use (we were in a café), and I didn't want to make a scene. I breathed, calmed and centered myself and I just stated the facts of how I was feeling and what needs I needed to be met in the relationship regarding him stopping to do drugs. I then asked him about his needs in the situation.

Here is the rest of the conversation:

HIM - You're annoying with your personal development s**t.
ME - Well, without that, I'd be shouting at you right now.
HIM - At least that would have been clear.
ME - I don't want to shout. Why do you always want me to shout anyways?
HIM - Because it's more real.
ME - So telling you how I feel and what I think is not real?
HIM - It doesn't feel real.

I think this is a pretty bipolar reaction, wanting shouting instead of a more mature discussion. He told me many times since we met that he wanted me to shout and be really angry at him. I don't see the use in that when it's possible to just talk.

I am no expert at this but it is probably best if you avoid saying someone is bi polar until there is a diagnosis...at that point the proper treatment can be prescribed...Get him to get some help if at all possible.. it is probably the best thing you could do...get a diagnosis.

Bipolar disorder - PubMed Health

[Criseyde]

Congrats on the breakup!

It's funny that he wants you to shout at him. I used to feel that way, too -- I guess I was trying to reenact the only patterns I knew.

[pinetree]

Originally Posted by garentee

I am no expert at this but it is probably best if you avoid saying someone is bi polar until there is a diagnosis...at that point the proper treatment can be prescribed...Get him to get some help if at all possible.. it is probably the best thing you could do...get a diagnosis.

Well... I didn't call him a bipolar first, he always says he is and he fits every description and symptoms and personality traits. I acknowledge it would have been unfair to say he was bipolar otherwise... And I've been telling him once in a while to get treatment since the beginning, he just won't. I think he might enjoy the highs and lows, but I don't. For me, the highs make him annoying (big crazy plans that won't work, telling me my ass is fat even though I'm at a healthy weight, calling me names over and over even if I told him I hate that, saying we should move to another country, etc.) and the lows are just painful (life is s**t, f**k my life, I don't want to do anything anymore I'll just lie there, I'm F**ing fat, this or that is because of YOU, and getting angry at me for nothing). Sometimes he goes from highs to lows in the same day. He says sometimes he doesn't know why he says these things, it's out of his control.

If that's not being bipolar, then he has some other kind of mood disorder, but in the end it's the same: it's too much for me. I don't want to keep living like that. I just told him we were over and I feel relieved! I don't want to hurt him, we had a lot of good times, but I'm gonna be starting my new life soon.

@ Criseyde

Thanks :-)

I made my budget and I'll plan the new organization of the rooms while he finds his next place to live and then I'll help him to move out (he has no car). We'll make our accounts, see who owes how much (furniture that we bought in common that I will keep, etc.) and then this whole part of my life will be finished.

I wish you a good night girls :-) Thanks for the good vibes.

[NicB]

He sounds pretty negative. I would say you made the right decision.
Hopefully he uses the breakup as a wake up call, and starts to make positive changes. That's what i did when my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me a year ago.

[ButterflyWoman]

I speak as someone who has overcome mental illness and instability and victim mentality: It's up to him to take responsibility for his own life, his own well-being, and his own health. If he's unwilling to do that, there's nothing you can do about it. If you're willing to keep maintaining the responsibility for him, for his life, for his well-being, for everything that he should be taking care of, himself, then stay with him. But... I don't think you are (and I don't think you should be.)

It's telling that he wants to keep blaming all his troubles on his mental illness while simultaneously using it as an excuse for not taking any responsibility for his life, though.

[frosting]

I say... run, run like the wind! I dated some bi-polor people. Just... not fun, not fun at all. They(not all but many who do not take care of their illness)do the most terrible things , blame it on their illness and expect you to forgive them because " they couldn't help it" Its an emotional roller coaster you are not obligated to take a ride on.

[Eduard E]

To quote something I just wrote on my Facebook page: Most of the time, when people ask if they should end a relationship, they should have already ended it 6 months ago.

[pinetree]

Originally Posted by Eduard E

To quote something I just wrote on my Facebook page: Most of the time, when people ask if they should end a relationship, they should have already ended it 6 months ago.

Yes that's right Eduard... but in a way, it didn't last longer for nothing, I still had a lot to learn being with him, and he with me. But it ended yesterday night.

@ frosting

That's pretty much what I was experiencing... actually, I won't run, I'll have to kick him out because I'll keep the apartment :-)

@ ButterflyWoman

It's too heavy having the responsibility for the life of two people... even though for him, his ancestors are responsible! Oh boy, I can't believe he said that. Anyways, I won't stay with him!

@ NicB

I do wish him the best though, if I stayed with him that long, it's because he also has a lot of qualities, like we have the same sense of humor, he likes nature and healthy food, and sometimes we would have a lot of fun together... I hope he's gonna get better. He read "The Power of Now" by E. Tolle this summer and he did some of Steve Pavlina's exercises (like his Favorite Meditation).

I'm glad you did some good changes in your life. I would be curious to know what they are...

[frosting]

Originally Posted by pinetree

@ frosting

That's pretty much what I was experiencing... actually, I won't run, I'll have to kick him out because I'll keep the apartment :-)

Good for you hun!! Gotta do what's best for you afterall!

[Beingist]

Originally Posted by Criseyde

Don't expect him to change unless HE really wants to.

I'm agreeing with Cris, here.

It sounds to me like you've reached a critical point, and I find it surprising that as an "ex-alcoholic," he hasn't hit rock bottom. It sounds like he needs to reach the point where there's nowhere to go but up. Hence, and although this may sound strange, leaving him may actually help him in the long run.

I'm sure it will help you.

My very best wishes, in any event. I understand you're difficulties.

[pinetree]

Thanks frosting :-)

@ Beingist

Yes, I think it will help him. He told me yesterday that he really had to start taking care of himself. He realized he NEEDS to work on his issues or else he will never be able to keep a girlfriend.

So I guess the end of the story won't be too bitter.

Thanks for your help everyone. I'm sending you love.

[NicB]

Originally Posted by pinetree

I'm glad you did some good changes in your life. I would be curious to know what they are...

Sure. Well, just a general shift. When i was in the relationship, i always had a crutch for happiness. By that i mean, nothing really mattered because i knew i had her by my side. Even though that sounds like a nice thing, it's actually a form of dependence. My motivation and ambitions were put on the backburner because i was too satisfied. I was procrastinating through life. So when i was "alone" all of a sudden, i was forced to look through a whole new perspective. My life was MY life. It was up to me to be happy by myself now. And even though it was an ultra painful transition (and hey, i'm still transitioning to be honest), it forced me to start thinking like an independent man.

So to answer your question, i started doing things like exercising, eating well, got counselling, stuff like that. It was just a general internal shift that expressed itself through a variety of ways.

I'm by no means where i want to be as a person, but if anything the breakup atleast put me on the right track.

[MightySunTzu]

edit: i replied to this before reading past your first post and see that you have broken up with him. So congrats i guess .

Originally Posted by pinetree

The things that worry me the most are his mental problems and his drug use. I want to have children, but I don't think it would be wise to have them with him... at least in the stage he is now.

... I'm tired of having to push for ultimatums. Because I'd have to tell him to stop smoking pot and to see someone for his mental balance. But what would be next?

Hi pinetree,

What might be next, who knows and you can deal with that if or when it arrives... but right now in the present, these are two valid issues to ultimatum him on.