How do I deal with my family?

[CroMagna]

I'm at my wits end with my family, especially my mom.

Here's what she said yesterday:

"Did you wash up? You don't want to have an odor. Becausew
you know people with weight issues struggle with that."

Here's what she thinks of my breasts:

"You look like you have Granny Goonies. They've already fallen."

My family, particularly my mom and my sister, really hurt my feeling and make me feel bad
about myself. They damage my self-esteem and feed the voices that I'm fighting to get rid of.

I want to avoid them completely. I've tried talking to them about how they make me feel like a loser.

So how do I ignore them and write them off? What would you do?

[Kait]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

I'm at my wits end with my family, especially my mom.

Here's what she said yesterday:

"Did you wash up? You don't want to have an odor. Becausew
you know people with weight issues struggle with that."

Here's what she thinks of my breasts:

"You look like you have Granny Goonies. They've already fallen."

My family, particularly my mom and my sister, really hurt my feeling and make me feel bad
about myself. They damage my self-esteem and feed the voices that I'm fighting to get rid of.

I want to avoid them completely. I've tried talking to them about how they make me feel like a loser.

So how do I ignore them and write them off? What would you do?

I'm sorry for your pain and sadly I don't know what to tell you on how to write them off. I think you need to just have other positive people in your life and have someone that thinks you are beautiful to talk too everyday..

[Yanna]

Eleanor Roosevelt said that: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

I know this is super hard, especially because it's your family, and it hurts so much more coming from people that are supposed to have your back.

You can't choose your family, and a good thing about that is that you usually learn more from interacting with your family than from interacting with your friends. Because you have to find a way to deal with people that you wouldn't actually choose to spend time with. My family teaches me all about patience, resilience, being open for people that have different priorities and different ways of interacting. My friends are so similar to me in outlook on life, my family are so different. And I love that about them now but it took all of my adolescence and most of my twenties.

But you do have a say in how those comments make you feel. It helps if you try to see those comments as something that says something about them, rather than about you. It sounds like these comments are rooted in jealousy, ignorance, insensitivity, stupidity and unhappiness. So be glad that you're not the kind of person to say these things to someone, instead, feel a little sorry for the people making these comments.

Do speak your mind but stay classy. Say something like: "Hey, if you're having a bad day, don't take it out on me ok? I don't appreciate it." or: "Why would you say that to me? Did I ask for your opinion? I didn't think so." And walk away with your head held high knowing you're gorgeous and awesome.

[Fred Tracy]

Well, how old are you? If you are still living at home and can't move out, then unfortunately you're stuck with them. But if you already live away from home, then honestly, I would never communicate with them again.

I don't care what your relationship with them is, whether it be parent, sibling, or whatever, no one deserves to be treated like that.

Anyone who says that kind of stuff to you is, ironically, the loser, and not worthy of being in your life.

By the way, is your mother overweight herself? Or did she used to be? It looks like she's putting her self-esteem issues on you.

[The Cloud]

Let me ask a seemingly unrelated question; have you ever loved anyone, for certain, just knowing it?

[elucidate]

My father used to make comments about the size of my ass, all the time when I lived with them. I realized that he is a very insecure man who focuses too much on his own body image and is never satisfied with it...so he projects that insecurity onto me and tries to compete with my brother for who has the best body. Honestly, they're worse than women.

It's pretty mean of your mother, so maybe try and keep in mind that she is just really rude for saying that, and probably has some issues with her own self-image that she is putting on you. I consider my father, despite being successful monetarily and business...to be a loser and a dickhead for the things he has said and done to me...which he would never consider since he thinks it's perfectly ok to say and do stuff like that...which makes him an even bigger loser.

Perhaps you could say something like "Mum, it really hurts my feelings when you say these things to me. Can you please stop drawing attention to what you consider to be my 'ugly' parts, and start focusing on what is good about me, as that would make me feel better.

Telling us about it isn't going to help your situation. Telling THEM about it will at least draw it to their attention that their words are causing you pain. Half the time people don't even see the effects of what they say because noone ever tells them. They run off and tell someone else about it, which isn't going to do anything.

[CroMagna]

Thanks gang for your help. You gave me great advice. Now I know
I'm not being sensitive. I would like to minimize my contact with them as much as possible.

Kait thanks for the empathy. I have other positive people in my life who really like my body so that helps.

Yanna great suggestions. You think they might be jealous of me?

Fred I'm 28. My mom is overweight; she's a size 14.

Cloud, I've been in love twice, so yes. I'm eager to see where this is going.

Elucidate, sorry about your dad. It's good to know I'm not alone. My mom and my sister are losers.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

Cloud, I've been in love twice, so yes. I'm eager to see where this is going.

The way I see it, love is the only way to deal with family. You're not going to be able to get them out of your head, even if you somehow manage to get them out of your life (I've tried both). The problem with family is that they usually don't love you. That's not to say that they can't, it's that they don't know how. If they're like most people, they're more concerned with being loved, just like you are. They apply reciprocity and fairness to love, like you do, and don't know how to give love when it is not returned, like you don't.

The problem with this in families is that nobody ever really learns to love anyone, so no one ever loves anyone back. People learn how to interact based on rules and etiquette to prevent the worst kinds of interactions and encourage a facade of goodness, but without those rules, everything degenerates. Eventually, rules can't mask the resentment that lies between people that all feel as if the older generation was supposed to love them first, and the younger generation was supposed to love those that gave them so much.

I asked if you'd ever felt love, because I want you to remember back to that feeling, and remember that you can feel that for your family even if they don't feel it for you. Love is a good feeling, so it's not like you'd be doing yourself a disservice. Don't set out to hate or despise or disown your family, because you'll never help yourself out that way.

It's good to get some space from them to think, but don't think of that space as the only response possible to those kind of people. One day, you'll have the benefit of loving them, a benefit that doesn't require reciprocation. Loving someone is a gift for yourself, not for others. Don't worry that you can't do it now, just don't set out to make your wounded feelings permanent.

[CroMagna]

I talked it over with my mom. I told her she hurt my feelings and she apologized. She said she said it out of love. She said she never said I had "granny goonies". She was only trying to encourage me to wear bras so that my boobs don't fall.

I'm back to loving my family. Cloud, I feel that my mom loves me and has proven it to me throughout life. I no longer feel the urge to move out immediately. I feel so much better now that this issue has been resolved. Thanks everyone for empathizing.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

The way I see it, love is the only way to deal with family. You're not going to be able to get them out of your head, even if you somehow manage to get them out of your life (I've tried both). The problem with family is that they usually don't love you. That's not to say that they can't, it's that they don't know how. If they're like most people, they're more concerned with being loved, just like you are. They apply reciprocity and fairness to love, like you do, and don't know how to give love when it is not returned, like you don't.

That's been the crux of it for me. How do you get what you need from people who don't know how to love or how to give you what you need, and haven't gotten what they need either?

It often has seemed like an impossible situation to me, and I have preferred to just not see them...but that doesn't really resolve anything.

The problem with this in families is that nobody ever really learns to love anyone, so no one ever loves anyone back. People learn how to interact based on rules and etiquette to prevent the worst kinds of interactions and encourage a facade of goodness, but without those rules, everything degenerates. Eventually, rules can't mask the resentment that lies between people that all feel as if the older generation was supposed to love them first, and the younger generation was supposed to love those that gave them so much.

I'm experiencing this right now with my father. I can feel how much he resents me, although we are in different states.

It's not an easy thing, that's for sure.

I asked if you'd ever felt love, because I want you to remember back to that feeling, and remember that you can feel that for your family even if they don't feel it for you. Love is a good feeling, so it's not like you'd be doing yourself a disservice. Don't set out to hate or despise or disown your family, because you'll never help yourself out that way.

I don't think anyone sets out to hate or disown their family, but we are human and it's natural to feel hatred at times. I agree with the disowning thing though. I've not had contact with mine for a while now, and although it's peaceful, it's extremely painful at times.

It's good to get some space from them to think, but don't think of that space as the only response possible to those kind of people. One day, you'll have the benefit of loving them, a benefit that doesn't require reciprocation. Loving someone is a gift for yourself, not for others. Don't worry that you can't do it now, just don't set out to make your wounded feelings permanent.

This is good advice. Thanks.

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by elucidate

That's been the crux of it for me. How do you get what you need from people who don't know how to love or how to give you what you need, and haven't gotten what they need either?

Exactly. My mother absolutely cannot interact with me with any respect, and she can't restrain herself from almost continual criticism (none of which is constructive; I can take constructive criticism, but my mother only knows how to tear down, not build up). I tried on numerous occasions to reason with her, reach out to her, etc., and it was never successful. Now, of course, I live on a continent on the opposite side of the world from my parents, and my mother is well into dementia (and still blaming me for things I never did, from what I hear), and that's pretty much all she wrote.

Originally Posted by elucidate

I have preferred to just not see them...but that doesn't really resolve anything.

Resolution in a case like that comes from within. You have to make yourself at peace with the situation, if this situation is what you choose (and it is a valid choice, though, of course, not the only choice).

Originally Posted by elucidate

I'm experiencing this right now with my father. I can feel how much he resents me, although we are in different states.

My father used to show up in my dreams and bug me in all kinds of ways, some of them extremely disturbing. Eventually, with enough tie-cutting and personal emotional/psychic shielding (with his name on it), that stopped. Took a long time, though.

I just feel like he made his decisions and choices, and I made mine, and we all have to live with our choices. He doesn't like the consequences of his actions and decisions. Too bad for him.

Originally Posted by elucidate

It's not an easy thing, that's for sure.

Agreed. I've only really come to peace with it within the last few years, yet I haven't had any contact with my parents since 1997. Took a while to work through it, including frequent second-guessing as to whether I was wrong, had made a hasty decision, etc.

Originally Posted by elucidate

I don't think anyone sets out to hate or disown their family, but we are human and it's natural to feel hatred at times.

I don't hate my parents, though I have been extremely angry with them in the past (particularly when I was still in drama-queen victim-mentality mode). I am, despite my general peace with the situation and my conviction that breaking contact was the best thing I could have done for myself and my sanity and well-being, still sad about the whole thing. I never, ever think, "Yay! I don't talk to my parents any more! Yippee!" I still feel saddened that there seemed to be no better option for me, and that my parents are so dysfunctional that they could not and would not work with me to try to reconcile our relationship. It's not a joyful thing (although the freedom sometimes is). I find it deeply saddening.

Originally Posted by elucidate

I've not had contact with mine for a while now, and although it's peaceful, it's extremely painful at times.

I had to weigh up whether the sadness was worth the peace, and in all cases, I have found that it is. If the price I pay for greatly improved well-being and mental and emotional health is that sometimes I still grieve about the estrangement from my parents, it's a price I'm willing to pay.

[absentmindfulness]

This is just an idea, but I've found that being obnoxiously nice and excessively accommodating makes people feel less motivated to mess with me. Perhaps you could try that?

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by ButterflyWoman

Exactly. My mother absolutely cannot interact with me with any respect, and she can't restrain herself from almost continual criticism (none of which is constructive; I can take constructive criticism, but my mother only knows how to tear down, not build up). I tried on numerous occasions to reason with her, reach out to her, etc., and it was never successful. Now, of course, I live on a continent on the opposite side of the world from my parents, and my mother is well into dementia (and still blaming me for things I never did, from what I hear), and that's pretty much all she wrote.

That's really sad. My father had the same thing with his father after he died. His father wrote a two line passage in his 'last words' letter, about my father and how he has turned against the christian faith when all he had done was express an interest in Buddhism?

He waffled on for 4 pages about how wonderful my father's brother is, even though the man never really achieved anything but a mediocre existence, and my father was really successful in the world of business and we travelled, had the great house, did interesting things etc...and still he only earned a mere two lines for a lifetime, and those two lines were just criticism...even in death, his father couldn't say anything nice about him! I felt so bad for my dad when I found that out...and just really disliked my grandfather after that, even though I was like "his princess" and all that crap.

I've often wondered if it will be the same when he dies, and I dread the day I will be handed his final will and testimony. He already compares me to my brother, in the exact same way his father compared him to his brother...always implying that I need to be more like him and less like me.

It's a good thing I learnt how to appreciate myself a while ago so I don't let those messages get to me anymore.

Resolution in a case like that comes from within. You have to make yourself at peace with the situation, if this situation is what you choose (and it is a valid choice, though, of course, not the only choice).

Some days I feel at peace, some days I don't. I agree that it comes from within though. I've done loads of work on myself in my early twenties to transform my relationship with them, and it yielded some results, but with the abusive behavior and crazy making, even as much as I have confronted my father about it, and asserted myself with my mother for my rights, it has made no difference to their decision to stay the same and not make any effort themselves to do their bit to work on the relationship...so, it feels like an impossible situation at times. I don't know what else I can do, and I'm still healing myself and moving through all the bitterness and victim mentality that I fell back into it seems after all the other ♥♥♥♥ hit the fan, a few years ago.

Sometimes, even when I am hurting the most about it...there will be this underlying feeling of "it's ok...this is how it's supposed to be right now and i've made the right decision for me."

My father used to show up in my dreams and bug me in all kinds of ways, some of them extremely disturbing. Eventually, with enough tie-cutting and personal emotional/psychic shielding (with his name on it), that stopped. Took a long time, though.

I just feel like he made his decisions and choices, and I made mine, and we all have to live with our choices. He doesn't like the consequences of his actions and decisions. Too bad for him.

How am I supposed to forge a relationship with someone who belittles my existence to my face and behind my back to his friends and my brothers? I advise people to ditch any 'friend' who acts in this way, and I certainly wouldn't expect it from a parent, who is supposed to love and care about me. Belittling me I would expect from an enemy, so if he behaves like an enemy, how can he expect me to treat him as a friend?

Agreed. I've only really come to peace with it within the last few years, yet I haven't had any contact with my parents since 1997. Took a while to work through it, including frequent second-guessing as to whether I was wrong, had made a hasty decision, etc.

That's reassuring. Thanks.

I don't hate my parents, though I have been extremely angry with them in the past (particularly when I was still in drama-queen victim-mentality mode). I am, despite my general peace with the situation and my conviction that breaking contact was the best thing I could have done for myself and my sanity and well-being, still sad about the whole thing. I never, ever think, "Yay! I don't talk to my parents any more! Yippee!" I still feel saddened that there seemed to be no better option for me, and that my parents are so dysfunctional that they could not and would not work with me to try to reconcile our relationship. It's not a joyful thing (although the freedom sometimes is). I find it deeply saddening.

I don't hate mine either, though I have felt hatred at times towards both of them. It's not something that I would say is an absolute, lingering feeling that has stayed that way...feelings change, but I'll be honest and say the behavior is what I hate from them. I deserve better, and they seem to think they can get away with it because they are my parents. It doesn't work that way.

Yes, it's not something I jump for joy about. I would love to have a better relationship with them, I just don't see how I can without them also making some effort to address their issues and stop the disrespectful behavior...or at least have the decency to acknowledge it!

I had to weigh up whether the sadness was worth the peace, and in all cases, I have found that it is. If the price I pay for greatly improved well-being and mental and emotional health is that sometimes I still grieve about the estrangement from my parents, it's a price I'm willing to pay.

You gotta do what you gotta do in life, and eliminate anything that compromises your survival, even if that is your own parents. It takes an immense amount of strength, so whilst it's not something to envy, it is admirable that some people have managed to fight through all the emotional blackmail crap and take care of themselves, and place themselves above anyone else.

I also admire people who can stick with it and really make some progress with their parents, but it's not everyone who has parents who are willing to admit to their part to play and willing to work on it from their side as well. If only one person in a family unit is willing to work on better communication and better relationships, and the others aren't, or show some sign of wanting to change and then drift back to old ways, then it doesn't work.

I stuck with dad for as long as possible because I really saw that he was making a lot of effort to change and work at having a better relationship with me, whilst my mother just didn't care at all and fell into some weird completely self-centred place where she is the child and I am the mother there to look after her. She's not an old lady yet, though she has convinced herself that she is years ago, and expects me to take care of her now, when she abandoned me years ago.

Dad seems to think that if he does nice things for me, that it means the bad things are somehow acceptable and it doesn't matter. When I try and point out that it's not ok, they accuse me of only seeing the bad things in life and ignoring all the good...which just isn't true. I believe in being well-rounded, and seeing both good and bad going on...but many people don't operate this way.

Every action has a consequence, and they just aren't even aware of what they've done...so to them, they are totally baffled by my "off the radar" status now. If I try and point it out to them, they just deny it, or laughed at me and say I'm being ridiculous.

Anyway, it's great that you are back to feeling better CroMagna, and that things with your parents have improved somewhat.

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by elucidate

I dread the day I will be handed his final will and testimony.

I've got it on excellent authority that I'm not in my parents' will, so that's at least something I won't have to worry about.

Originally Posted by elucidate

You gotta do what you gotta do in life, and eliminate anything that compromises your survival, even if that is your own parents.

Agreed.

I'm sometimes vocal about this kind of estrangement on these boards, but it's only because it's nearly taboo, and I feel like speaking out as someone who has done it and thrived as a result. It's not a perfect solution, but nothing is. I, personally, think it's better to work it out within yourself or with your parents if at all possible, but, unfortunately, that's not always possible. And when estrangement is the best option, I like to try to let people know, it's okay to consider it. It's even okay to go through with it.

[RedAnt]

Focus on the meaning of your mums messages to you rather than the content.

She loves you and cares about you. She wants the best for you, she is just not communicating very effectively.

Thank her for her comments and smile to yourself about how well you are reacting to her. It is impossible to be horrible to someone who is constantly nice to you. Things will soon turn in your favour.