Mom needs help before she makes a mistake

[conscientious mom]

Hi, I am writing to ask for opinions. I cannot ask those close to me because I don't want to make my son look bad if I am about to over react. First off I love this kid with all my heart. I have worked and lived for both of my children, putting them first in all my life choices. My older son is 24, he has been through a lot in his life. He is a loving caring soul. It seems to me though he keeps repeating the same self destructive mistakes. It feels self destructive. Through high school he was more interested in being social than looking forward to college, so his grades suffered. I should have put my foot down, but when I would go to the principal he would tell me not to be too hard on him he is getting "c's" and passing and we think he is depressed. So of course I was scarred and did not want to make it worse so I let him go out and have a good time. as long as he passed I did not say much. I would ask him daily if he had work to do and he always said he was done. Fast forwarding he graduated got a good job and at that time life was good for him. He still partied but worked very hard. He decides after about a year of working that he was going to move in with some friends, I did not have a problem with him moving out but it was whom he was moving in with, these kids were in trouble on and off. Our son told us no problem they are all working now and no trouble. Well they were not working they were selling pot. My son's job required a drug test every month so I know he wasn't using. Someone asked him who he could buy pot from and he told her "xxx" sells it. The girl was undercover and he got 6 month in jail for complicity to commit trafficking. As his parents I am not a fool, I understand that I probably only know part of the truth, still I think it was a very harsh sentence. He served his time and in Aug got off of probation. We offered to let him go to college. At this point he gets very little assistance, so we are paying for everything. It is a struggle because his dad is on disability from having cancer and I am doing the best I can to support all of us. I pay for his apartment and his bills, his school and his gasoline, and his running money. He just got a part time job. (Very hard to get employed with a felony charge in trafficking.) At first I was so excited because he is going to the culinary institute and he love to cook. I thought this would be a good way to pick him up and dust him off get his mind refreshed and let him have a new start. We can get his felony expunged in a year and a half. So he started school and I am thinking he probably wouldn't do anything that might get him into trouble. Wrong. He is partying. He said that he had to work on Thanksgiving so I cooked everything packed it up and drove 3 hours so we could celebrate together. I found an old lunch box with pot in it while I was helping him clean up his apartment. He told me his back hurts and no doctor will give him pain med with a felony (this is a lie). I told him I have suffered from severe fibromyalgia for 15 years and have not turned to pot to relieve it. If I did I probably wouldn't be able to send him to school. He told me that I am the kind of person that makes pot illegal in the first place. I don't know what to do I have an 18 month rental agreement, I feel like I am lost I don't want to ruin his life but I feel he is ruining mine. This is a great sacrifice for us to put him through school and we felt that he should be grateful enough to stay on the straight and narrow just to get through school. My husband intends to go spend a week with him. I am so hurt I don't know what to do. part of me feels like giving him another chance the other part feels like things will never change and this is just costing us a small fortune. Helllllp

[Angela]

Originally Posted by conscientious mom

Hi, I am writing to ask for opinions.

I don't want to ruin his life but I feel he is ruining mine... he should be grateful...

My opinion, since you asked, is that as long as consider that your adult son's choices have the power to ruin your life, and that he should be or do other than what he chooses to be or do, you are sentencing yourself to a life of struggle and suffering.

By the way, what happened in your family when your son was age 7 to 9 or so?

[conscientious mom]

age 7-9 that would be about 2nd to 4th grade. We were in Texas nothing terribly unusual. I know he had a hard time fitting in at school, I think that is why he focuses on being social now. In 4th grade his great grandmother died unexpectedly. He was a good boy. We were all very close to each other.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by conscientious mom

I know he had a hard time fitting in at school....

How did you feel about that, and how did you deal with it?

[MagicalRealist]

Sometimes, no matter how devoted a kid's parents are and how hard they try to be the best, most loving, most supportive parents they can be, a kid still turns out to be a little s***head. Just ask my mom! She could tell you all about it...

I was an unmotivated C-student in high school. I picked up a nasty booze and drug habit, bombed out of art school, and got wasted every night. I never ended up with a felony conviction, but I did end up in the drunk tank on at least two occasions (and I suspect a third, but I honestly don't remember).

None of this was my mom's fault. Nor could she have stopped me. And honestly? There was nothing she could have done differently to keep me from screwing up my life. Temperamentally, I have always been driven to do my own thing and push limits as far as they will go. I never had much use for rules or authority figures, even when I was a little kid. In some ways, that's turned out to be a good thing as I've grown older and wised up, but when I was younger I had to learn everything the hard way--everything. I had to smash into walls at top speed before I'd finally admit they were there.

Which means that until I was about 23, my poor mom lived with the idea that I might completely self-destruct and she'd get one of those late-night phone calls nobody ever wants to get.

One thing she did do, however, was tell me that she wouldn't help me in my insanity. She'd be there when I got my act together, but if I was going to drink and do drugs and party, she wasn't going to bail me out, pay my rent, or otherwise buffer me from the consequences of my lousy decision-making. She wasn't going to be my enabler. And that, more than anything, helped me wake up and see that I needed to stop (though it took well over a year for things to get bad enough to actually do it).

Your kid has a felony conviction, and he's decided he still wants to smoke pot. That's a parole violation, and if he gets nabbed for it he can probably kiss getting his conviction expunged goodbye--and he knows that, but he's still decided to do it anyway. He hasn't learned a damned thing. The lesson hasn't sunk in, yet. He still thinks he can do exactly what he pleases and get away with it. And since he has Mom and Dad paying his bills, why not? They're not going to let anything bad happen to him, right? So party on!

He's going to do what he's going to do--even if it's stupid, self-destructive, and gets his butt thrown in jail again. He's been lying to you about his drug use, then made excuses when caught, which is classic addict behavior. So is continuing to use, even when the consequences of getting caught are dire. If he gets called in for a drug test, he's going to fail it, and he knows that. But he's doing it anyway.

And there's nothing you can do to stop it. He's the only one who can save himself, and if he insists upon sabotaging that? You can't keep him from it. The only thing you have any control over is your own response to his behavior.

I'm not saying that you should cut off support immediately, but if there is no change in his behavior you might want to prepare yourself for that. There's a lot of literature out there on coping with addicted family members and setting boundaries to protect yourself, or maybe getting some counseling might help. Or consider dropping in on a couple of Al-Anon meetings--you might find some of their information useful.

But most of all, stop beating yourself up and blaming yourself. You've done everything you can to help your kid. But for that to work, he has to decide to help himself, too--and it may take a lot of hard lessons for him to figure that out.

[conscientious mom]

Magical: I know you are absolutely right. It is hard to watch. I love him so much and I feel like there is nothing left to do. His dad is going to stay with him for a week and see what we can do, set up some counseling for him and see if he is willing. We live three hours away but I think we should insist on family counseling along with his individual counseling. I don't want to just pull all support but I don't have any clue what else to do. I don't know where he will go and if he comes home I fear it will be unbearable. Thank You for your story.

[conscientious mom]

I could feel his pain in not fitting in, but he had a few really good friends and I told him that it is better to have few great friends than many fake friends. We did a lot of things as a family and we supported things he liked to do that he enjoyed and excelled at, like golf his dad and he loved to go golfing together, and they did a lot. I made sure he knew he was the light of my life and that I loved him. I think he did a good job of handling mean kids. It also made him protective of other kids in the same situation as he was. I think this lead to him befriending people who he may have viewed as wrongly judged when they were just not that great to be hanging around because they were involved in things that were not good choices.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by conscientious mom

I think this lead to him befriending people who he may have viewed as wrongly judged when they were just not that great to be hanging around because they were involved in things that were not good choices.

Isn't that what you are doing? Supporting someone (your son) whom you view as wrongly judged when he's not that great to be hanging around because he's involved in things that are not good choices?

[conscientious mom]

Originally Posted by Angela

Isn't that what you are doing? Supporting someone (your son) whom you view as wrongly judged when he's not that great to be hanging around because he's involved in things that are not good choices?

That's why I am here, the difference is I am his mother. I brought him here and I want to see him do well. I have a responsibility as a parent to help him when he needs help, I don't believe in just turning my back on him. But if it is the only thing left to do then I will. If I didn't love him it would be easy!

[Angela]

Your son wants to make a difference for those people who were involved in things that aren't good choices and are unfairly judged. What would your advice be to him?

[conscientious mom]

Originally Posted by Angela

Your son wants to make a difference for those people who were involved in things that aren't good choices and are unfairly judged. What would your advice be to him?

I would tell him to worry about himself or to proceed with caution. But he is not the family of these people. I know I have given him more than he deserves. Is it enough. It is painful. I am to blame. I can't fix or change it. I don't want to see him ruin his life. I don't understand why I have to be put in this position. I have spent my life doing the responsible parent thing. I have sacrificed much.

[Yanna]

Hi,

You indeed sound like you have so much love for him. And I think it's great that you're helping him out going to school. Especially culinary school - if someone's passionate about and good at cooking, you pretty much have a job for life, because everybody loves to eat nice food. It's a fantastic investment.

But have you actually sat down with him and made clear appointments about all this money you're giving him? You say that you assumed "he probably wouldn't do anything that might get him into trouble."
My guess is that he sincerely thinks he's not doing anything that might get him into trouble. You feel that he should steer clear from anything or anyone having to do with pot- which is understandable given what happened. He probably feels that having a smoke by himself is very unlikely to get him into trouble.
If you only want to give him money if he quits smoking pot completely, you should say that to him. If you want to give him the money on the condition that he finishes school with good grades (otherwise he'll have to pay it back), you should say that to him. In this situation, it's probably a good idea to write all the agreements down and have all parties sign it. Talk to him about it and write down exactly what the conditions are. You're giving a vast sum of money to a grown man, it's not weird or mistrusting to put the details of it in writing. My parents did this with me when they took over my student debt, stating exactly how and by when to pay it back to them.

My opinion - don't cut him off completely yet. He seems to be functioning (going to school, working parttime) and I get the impression that he means well. But you do have to renegotiate the money, communicate with him and get the trust back between you. Also, if he can afford to buy pot, you can definitely give him less money. But if cutting him off means he'll have to drop out of school, I think that would make matters worse.

Don't get me wrong, you're well within your right to cut him off completely, it's your money and he's an adult. It would be a learning experience for him for sure but he will probably get deeper into trouble which would be even harder for you. Whereas if he finishes school, finds a job and a girl (who -when they're in their late twenties- are usually not that attracted to potheads) he will probably outgrow it.

But there's no telling what the future will hold and for now, all you can do is go with your gut -

Flip a coin, say to yourself - heads means cutting him off, tails means keeping it going...
When you catch it and put it on your hand, cover it with your other hand and close your eyes....




What do you hope it is?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by conscientious mom

I don't understand why I have to be put in this position.

Probably to learn something, don't you think?

[conscientious mom]

Originally Posted by Yanna

Flip a coin, say to yourself - heads means cutting him off, tails means keeping it going...
When you catch it and put it on your hand, cover it with your other hand and close your eyes....

What do you hope it is?

Tails

[conscientious mom]

Originally Posted by Angela

Probably to learn something, don't you think?

I think there are lessons in everything we do. I don't think that you should teach your loving caring supportive sick parents a lesson. What is it that you would teach me? Not to support my child no matter how old he is, not to care, not to help him when there is obviously something awful bothering him? Just turn my back on him and let him be to learn his lesson alone? I know he loves me and cares about us. I also know that he is holding onto some things that maybe he is not ready to let go of. I don't agree that he should be punishing us, but I love him. I want to help him and I want to give him a chance to find his place in life. It just seems to be taking a little effort.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by conscientious mom

I think there are lessons in everything we do. I don't think that you should teach your loving caring supportive sick parents a lesson.

Why not? Don't loving, caring supportive sick parents have anything they can learn from their kids?

What is it that you would teach me? Not to support my child no matter how old he is, not to care, not to help him when there is obviously something awful bothering him? Just turn my back on him and let him be to learn his lesson alone?

I don't know; is that what you've put yourself into this situation to learn? My experience is that the most profound learnings are ones that are positively stated (not "nots"), about the learner, and future oriented so they'll be there as a resource going forward. Are there learnings like that for you in this situation that, if you were to get them, your pain can go on its way, having done its job? (I think emotional pain is like an angel, there to deliver a message -- when you get the message, when you learn the lesson, then you don't need the pain anymore.)

[Fred Tracy]

Cut him off, it's simple. You may not want to do this, but you have to for your own sanity. He's an adult now and can make his own choices.

[ChristsLight]

I agree with Angela. Your son's choices are his choices, not yours. He is not making you miserable; you are making yourself miserable because you believe he should be different than he is.

Is he happy where he is in college and in his studies? How is he doing there?

[conscientious mom]

Originally Posted by ChristsLight

I agree with Angela. Your son's choices are his choices, not yours. He is not making you miserable; you are making yourself miserable because you believe he should be different than he is.

Is he happy where he is in college and in his studies? How is he doing there?

Going to school makes him happy. He says he likes to cook and he is good at it. He is doing good in the culinary part but lacking in the degree part. I think because the cooking is easy for him but the academic part is hard. He also knows that this semester if he studied hard and got good grades that he could get more assistance which means less money that I would have to spend but he already dropped one class because it was too early (started at 11:00am) I really do think he is depressed. Being alone he cannot deal with so he does anything he can, weather it is smoking pot with some friends, or getting drunk with some friends, whatever it is so he does not have to be alone. It's not that I want him to be different, I want him to be happy.

[conscientious mom]

Originally Posted by Angela

Why not? Don't loving, caring supportive sick parents have anything they can learn from their kids?



I don't know; is that what you've put yourself into this situation to learn? My experience is that the most profound learnings are ones that are positively stated (not "nots"), about the learner, and future oriented so they'll be there as a resource going forward. Are there learnings like that for you in this situation that, if you were to get them, your pain can go on its way, having done its job? (I think emotional pain is like an angel, there to deliver a message -- when you get the message, when you learn the lesson, then you don't need the pain anymore.)

I do believe that parents can learn from their kids. Definitely. I know that we all can learn from each other. I agree with what you are saying and I understand that you are trying to do the "find the answer yourself" thing.
I guess that the answer for me is probably that I will always love him no matter what he does or what happens and more importantly it is the lesson that he is learning. No matter how hard he tries to test where the line of destruction is as far as loving him there is none. But I guess what I am realizing is that I can love him with out helping him on his quest of destruction. This does not mean that I have to abandon him unless that is what he wants. Maybe he needs to take a break. Maybe he needs to work harder. What ever the answer is it is his answer and no matter how much I want to fix it he has to. But in the mean time we are going broke. I guess my frustration is that he knows what his dad and I have been through with his dad having cancer, at the same time he was in jail. I never missed a visit no matter what. I know he feels guilty, who wouldn't. When he asked for help to go back to school I expected that he would do that with respect for the help. I guess I need to look at it like this, if he is working and passing, then maybe the rest doesn't matter. Maybe I should set a budget and not give more than that. He is working so if he has enough to pay for what he needs and buy pot it is not my business and not my money. But if I only pay for his rent and electric the rest is his responsibility. As long as he has it under control and I don't have to pay his incidentals then it is not my business. That way I can help him celebrate his achievements. I worry but I can worry in silence.

[conscientious mom]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their input and opinions. After a few more conversations with my dear son it seams that things won't change much, but I did contact the school and he is attending everyday and getting b's so I guess I will pick my battles. If he loses his freedom it won't be my fault. I agreed to pay for school and 1/2 the rent since his girlfriend is staying there she can pay half. and 1/2 electric. That is it. he has lodging and education. he can take the bus if he doesn't have gas money. I hope I am doing the right thing and since he is getting good grades and working part time I won't take it from him. I still wish he wasn't smoking pot.

Thanks to all of you.
Amy

[Angela]

Wishing you and your family the best, Amy.

[conscientious mom]

Originally Posted by Angela

Wishing you and your family the best, Amy.

Thank You and thank you for your insight I really do appreciate it. I am thankful that people will take the time and help shed light from another side. As a mother I just want to fix it but at this point I have to accept that I cannot fix this one. I can do what I can as long as he is doing well in school. If there comes a time he is not doing well in school then he is all on his own. I am sure he can get resourceful just like we did.
Thank You!!

[ChristsLight]

Originally Posted by conscientious mom

I just wanted to thank everyone for their input and opinions. After a few more conversations with my dear son it seams that things won't change much, but I did contact the school and he is attending everyday and getting b's so I guess I will pick my battles. If he loses his freedom it won't be my fault. I agreed to pay for school and 1/2 the rent since his girlfriend is staying there she can pay half. and 1/2 electric. That is it. he has lodging and education. he can take the bus if he doesn't have gas money. I hope I am doing the right thing and since he is getting good grades and working part time I won't take it from him. I still wish he wasn't smoking pot.

Thanks to all of you.
Amy

I'm a senior in college and don't take class that seriously, but it's not really the utmost priority for me. You're lucky that he is doing so well.

Honestly, it's not that bad. My cousin smokes as well and she's 29 and pretty functional, holding down a good job and everything. She went to college and got excellent grades all the way through.