I brokeup with him and now I'm venting :)

[Kait]

Okay I broke up with my boyfriend last night...

It was over, I guess, a lot of things happening...

For one, when I go to his home, I try to respect how he lives (with roommates) and how he likes things ***for example: I don't set a cold drink (with ice) on his nightstand. I just don't want to ruin what he owns...If I drink out of a cup it goes straight to the kitchen afterwards Most of the time I am drinking out of a water bottle...If I use his toothpaste I leave it the way I found it...

If I tell him hey you left the toothpaste lid off the toothpaste...Do I somehow do this at your house? He somehow thinks he can leave my coffee marker on (which I know turns itself off) and he doesn't clean up after himself... he leaves his coffee cup in my room... uh, I am not the maid...

If I get the least bit upset and call his hand on how he has made me feel or what he has done...(I am a psycho) this hurts really bad...and to bring my past into this too can just cut me into.

Tonight he brought my snail-mail in for me....Its nice... BUT I don't want him in my mail and I told him so...I just don't think this is where he needs to be....
He gets mad at me because I don't let him help me... I don't want his help with my mail...I want him to put the lid on the toothpaste and to respect me if I send him a positive but yet long text message. I want him to pick up after himself ...that is helping me..

But he doesn't think he has done anything wrong...


He says I have outburst and I do not have outburst... I just choose not to argue around my children and I wait til he is out AND away from my home before I bring up my problems with him...of course I didnt wait on the toothpaste, I told him then....
The reason for him saying I have outburst IS; he cant handle anyone that takes up for herself...and he also has a temper...

This man can not for the life of him communicate...and this absolutly drive me nuts...

So this isnt love and it is not respect...and I just need to keep strong and not text him another day of my life....

If you want to help me...just let me know how I can keep from text-ing...I'm sure I will miss doin things with him but as for missing his mental abusive ways he can be by himself...

[ButterflyWoman]

Well, at least this solves the problem with your family introducing him to people as your "friend" instead of your "boyfriend" (referring to this thread, of course: I dont want to start a family fight :) ).

How do you stop from texting him? Taking his number out of your contacts might help (unless you have it memorised). When you feel yourself picking up the phone to contact him, put the phone back down and go do something else. Basically, just don't pick up the phone and start pushing buttons. It's a lot easier NOT to text someone than to actually send them a message.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by ButterflyWoman

Well, at least this solves the problem with your family introducing him to people as your "friend" instead of your "boyfriend" (referring to this thread, of course: I dont want to start a family fight :) ).

How do you stop from texting him? Taking his number out of your contacts might help (unless you have it memorised). When you feel yourself picking up the phone to contact him, put the phone back down and go do something else. Basically, just don't pick up the phone and start pushing buttons. It's a lot easier NOT to text someone than to actually send them a message.

I have it memorized but yes my family will jumping for joey...

As for not text, Uh...I will make a recording in my brain and tell ME, Myself and I that I dont want that kind of lovin...

Its kinda sad, when one day you both can talk and then the next day you forgot how


Thanks for your advice.

[GaryMichaels]

I’m sorry to hear you broke up with your boyfriend Kait but by the sounds of it I think you did the right thing especially if he was mentally abusing you. My Fiancée was in some abusive relationships when she was younger too and it is better that you stay away from people like that because they are not worth it.

Nobody deserves to be abused

[Kait]

I thought I would share this site if anyone decides that they need to move on from a relationship that isn't working in the out...


How To Get Over A Break Up - Ultimate Breakup Guide (FREE)

[Kait]

Originally Posted by GaryMichaels

I’m sorry to hear you broke up with your boyfriend Kait but by the sounds of it I think you did the right thing especially if he was mentally abusing you. My Fiancée was in some abusive relationships when she was younger too and it is better that you stay away from people like that because they are not worth it.

Nobody deserves to be abused

I think your right...but its never pretty when you have a breakup. The saddest thing about this IS neither of us could actually say it...he just kept saying this is on you and your fought, and I kept saying, I think you forgot something, It takes too. blah blah blah...lol. You give love to get love in return...and when one doesn't know how to show that, then they can sit alone. I'm okay Gray, I will be fine.

I know me, and I will never except name calling...

It wouldnt matter if he saved my life. Name calling isn't positive...

[GaryMichaels]

Originally Posted by Kait

I think your right...but its never pretty when you have a breakup. The saddest thing about this IS neither of us could actually say it...he just kept saying this is on you and your fought, and I kept saying, I think you forgot something, It takes too. blah blah blah...lol. You give love to get love in return...and when one doesn't know how to show that, then they can sit alone. I'm okay Gray, I will be fine.

I know me, and I will never except name calling...

It wouldnt matter if he saved my life. Name calling isn't positive...

No. It isn't. Most couples I see doing this break up or they end up in unhappy marriages like my parents. Just think this is probably only another stepping stone on your path to finding the guy that is right for you.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by GaryMichaels

No. It isn't. Most couples I see doing this break up or they end up in unhappy marriages like my parents. Just think this is probably only another stepping stone on your path to finding the guy that is right for you.

yeah, I hope your right

[danas]

To me it doesnt sound like abuse at all. It sounds like Male/Female communication problems. Living with someone and getting used to their habits isnt always easy. But I guess sometimes its worth working on this for the sake of the relationship. What you say isnt love and respect, might be for him.

Sometimes it takes one of the partners to make the shift.
Maybe check out the Hendricks institute for relationship coaching.
I think its impossible to find someone perfect. The question is do you think you can work on this? and is it worth it for you

[Kait]

Originally Posted by danas

To me it doesnt sound like abuse at all. It sounds like Male/Female communication problems. Living with someone and getting used to their habits isnt always easy. But I guess sometimes its worth working on this for the sake of the relationship. What you say isnt love and respect, might be for him.

Sometimes it takes one of the partners to make the shift.
Maybe check out the Hendricks institute for relationship coaching.
I think its impossible to find someone perfect. The question is do you think you can work on this? and is it worth it for you

Communication is the biggest problem here. I will agree.

To tell the story again...this is how the frustration "of mine" started...I text this message to him from my email address.
How to Love

Well instead of sending it as a text message (# @vtext.com) I hit the media message #@vzwpix.com) "which his phone" has a special ring tone for pictures and video's and he thought he was getting a picture. Well I'm trying to tell him it's not a picture it's text message and I hit the wrong dot com. I know what I sent and he still arguing with me...So with surprise he gets a very long text.

Well he starts reading it aloud lol...and he is getting really frustrated with the length of the text message. And this is where I'm saying to myself...He doesnt read my texts (if their long) So this automatically hurts me and I thought, wow...he says he reads my text BUT this is proof that he doesn't...okay I reach over and I close his phone. I really don't have many words to say at that time...So I go to the bathroom and when I get there I find the the toothpaste lid is off. I am already hurting... so now he is frustrating me. But I go back out and a say, uh, I don't do this to you and I have no idea why you do it to me...(while thinking: he is immaculate at his home and everything is in its place) I told him I don't mind you using my toothpaste but please put the lid back on. He says, okay...and goes and does it...but in the meantime I'm still upset with the way he didn't read my text...so I'm still silent about it...

At this time he is trying to push it under the rug (my thoughts) and he is trying to get me to just get over it, and I can't. My thinking is, he don't care what I have to say...

So to try again, to smooth things over with me, he manages to get my mail out of the mail box....thinking that he is helping me. So this is where I snapped. I said, please do not check my mail again. I will do it myself.

He then, still doesn't intiate conversation. So when he gets ready to leave I try explaining my feelings... by telling him, he hurt me by not wanted to read what I sent him...and that I wasn't mad over the toothpaste but that I do believe when he uses it, he needs to put it away as I would do at his house. I then tell him I do NOT want him to check my mail because it brings on alot of stress and I would rather do that myself and that I also got my neighbors mail in my mail box and didn't check it right away because he laid it down with out me knowing it (in the same pile)...I was upset about that too...

He still doesn't make conversation (he is thinking about it) Ugh...
So I give him time to eat (when he left my house) and I then approach him again but at this point...I have decided that we don't need to see each other for awhile. What I get out of this (he founds me controlling when things don't go my way) and at this point, I really don't care how he feels because his not caring how I feel.

So I then get "I didn't do anything to you" you make mountians out of mole hills. You do this all the time to me....okay. And then last night the altimate was said and it broke me..."he said, I know now why you husband left...you're a psycho. So I am hurt.

My ex boyfriend thinks life should be easy and there should never be any problems ...he plays the victim ( because life hasn't been great for him) and I guess I do too... but when I take up for myself. I don't need a man saying I'm crazy for doing so.... and this is what I call mentally abusive.
No one wants to hear...You are a pyscho because he can't control his temper... And NOW it's my fault because we broke up...

And to make this short...I am always the one shifting... and making the relationship work. He needs to too.

[danas]

Originally Posted by Kait

Communication is the biggest problem here. I will agree.

To tell the story again...this is how the frustration "of mine" started...I text this message to him from my email address.
How to Love

Well instead of sending it as a text message (# @vtext.com) I hit the media message #@vzwpix.com) "which his phone" has a special ring tone for pictures and video's and he thought he was getting a picture. Well I'm trying to tell him it's not a picture it's text message and I hit the wrong dot com. I know what I sent and he still arguing with me...So with surprise he gets a very long text.

Well he starts reading it aloud lol...and he is getting really frustrated with the length of the text message. And this is where I'm saying to myself...He doesnt read my texts (if their long) So this automatically hurts me and I thought, wow...he says he reads my text BUT this is proof that he doesn't...okay I reach over and I close his phone. I really don't have many words to say at that time...So I go to the bathroom and when I get there I find the the toothpaste lid is off. I am already hurting... so now he is frustrating me. But I go back out and a say, uh, I don't do this to you and I have no idea why you do it to me...(while thinking: he is immaculate at his home and everything is in its place) I told him I don't mind you using my toothpaste but please put the lid back on. He says, okay...and goes and does it...but in the meantime I'm still upset with the way he didn't read my text...so I'm still silent about it...

At this time he is trying to push it under the rug (my thoughts) and he is trying to get me to just get over it, and I can't. My thinking is, he don't care what I have to say...

So to try again, to smooth things over with me, he manages to get my mail out of the mail box....thinking that he is helping me. So this is where I snapped. I said, please do not check my mail again. I will do it myself.

He then, still doesn't intiate conversation. So when he gets ready to leave I try explaining my feelings... by telling him, he hurt me by not wanted to read what I sent him...and that I wasn't mad over the toothpaste but that I do believe when he uses it, he needs to put it away as I would do at his house. I then tell him I do NOT want him to check my mail because it brings on alot of stress and I would rather do that myself and that I also got my neighbors mail in my mail box and didn't check it right away because he laid it down with out me knowing it (in the same pile)...I was upset about that too...

He still doesn't make conversation (he is thinking about it) Ugh...
So I give him time to eat (when he left my house) and I then approach him again but at this point...I have decided that we don't need to see each other for awhile. What I get out of this (he founds me controlling when things don't go my way) and at this point, I really don't care how he feels because his not caring how I feel.

So I then get "I didn't do anything to you" you make mountians out of mole hills. You do this all the time to me....okay. And then last night the altimate was said and it broke me..."he said, I know now why you husband left...you're a psycho. So I am hurt.

My ex boyfriend thinks life should be easy and there should never be any problems ...he plays the victim ( because life hasn't been great for him) and I guess I do too... but when I take up for myself. I don't need a man saying I'm crazy for doing so.... and this is what I call mentally abusive.
No one wants to hear...You are a pyscho because he can't control his temper... And NOW it's my fault because we broke up...

And to make this short...I am always the one shifting... and making the relationship work. He needs to too.

To me, from what I read above, you are blaming him for many things. And sorry, but to me it does sound like you're making mountains out of mole hills....
So what if he doesnt put the lid on the toothpaste? Let it pass. Its not important enough to fight over. Never expect that from him again, or you'll keep getting disappointed. Life isnt perfect. Your bf forgets to put the lid on the toothpaste. I can promise you: He does not do it to annoy you, he just does it, bc he isnt a perfect robot.
Maybe try to focus on all the beautiful things he has brought to your life, instead of expecting him to be perfect. No one's perfect. One guy wont put the lid on the toothpaste, the next guy will leave crumbs on the kitchen table. Yes its annoying, but see it as a small price to pay for having a supportive loving companion.
Also if you focus on all the great things he has brought to your life, and tell him how grateful you are for the small things he does do for you, he'll go out of his way to keep trying to make you happy. Now it sounds like he's not encouraged to make you happy, because he feels like nothing's good enough for you.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by danas

To me, from what I read above, you are blaming him for many things. And sorry, but to me it does sound like you're making mountains out of mole hills....
So what if he doesnt put the lid on the toothpaste? Let it pass. Its not important enough to fight over. Never expect that from him again, or you'll keep getting disappointed. Life isnt perfect. Your bf forgets to put the lid on the toothpaste. I can promise you: He does not do it to annoy you, he just does it, bc he isnt a perfect robot.
Maybe try to focus on all the beautiful things he has brought to your life, instead of expecting him to be perfect. No one's perfect. One guy wont put the lid on the toothpaste, the next guy will leave crumbs on the kitchen table. Yes its annoying, but see it as a small price to pay for having a supportive loving companion.
Also if you focus on all the great things he has brought to your life, and tell him how grateful you are for the small things he does do for you, he'll go out of his way to keep trying to make you happy. Now it sounds like he's not encouraged to make you happy, because he feels like nothing's good enough for you.

I have been married for 16years and separated 2yrs...he and I are 43 yrs old and been dating a year and three months. I know how this works and you have to learn to have self respect for yourself. I respect myself and I will NOT allow him to speak to me that way again.

The problem here is he too is focused on the toothpaste too (which I got over) It is over the text message that was long and painful for him to read (that I'm not over).
I just feel that he should have shown more interest in caring how I felt.

So if he now feels he is NOT made me happy. He has not. Let him feel that.
It's okay.

This question to ask here is why was my text message so important? Because I think he has a communication problem..and I was giving him something I thought would help our relationship. So if I'm trying to give him something that I think will help us...then I must not be getting what I need out of this relationship.

Thank you for your help.

but this is what I read and this I relate too
How to Keep a Relationship

[Kait]

Well I layed my phone down and did not text...but I had my other gadget called my computer...and put my feelings, down on an electronic screen and hit the send botton...That went straight to his phone. The NOT text-ing only lasted a day. It wasnt written, saying I'm sorry I want you back but written to help him understand why I was breaking up with him. Since we both couldnt break it off (in person)...

Now I'm in a dilemma because he is apologizing.

His exact words; I hold myself accountable for the horriable things I said to you. I don't realize what I say out of fits of anger. I know I say things just to hurt u that are not true and I'm sorry for that I have always done this when I dont like how things are going, it is shelfishness and being stubbern. You are a very loving and giving person dont ever stop being that way.

I know he and I have a communication problem...

I, NOT having, that many relationships with men, (yes I have dated other men, but nothing came out of it) only my marriage and this one, can I only compare the two...

I have never fought so much. It is like every two months, we are getting it on...I started writing that down too..and the fights or disagreement are over (small stuff) that we can actually work on...but has never been over NAME CALLING.
I've never had fights or had disagreements thats lasted two days or maybe a week with mysoon to be ex husband. Yes we fought but it was over in ten minutes and done. I'm wondering should they be lasting this long? Or is it healthy to have just ten minute fights and be done with it?...I know every ones different and you cant help who you fall in love with...and I know that some relationships have this "power" struggle and ego trip, childish BS ( I'm right, your wrong)

Its just that it get's old, when you know, it shouldn't have happened in the first place.

I don't know what to DO now...I do love the man, but I love myself too.

A person can only work on himself/herself and try to get better...but when one has a communication problem, what do you do? Hand a book on communication skills to him?