Any advise for leaving an unstable, verbally abusive spouse

[Itaintheaven]

I'm new here but found this site very interesting. I'd like to know if any of you have advise for me on how to leave a spouse who is unstable. I've been married 20+ years to him. He doesn't physically abuse me, but he scares me none the less and emotionally, mentally and financially I'm completely drained. He's always been loud. Yelling when things don't go his way or he's frustrated (usually with work or the kids). IUninvolved in out lives preferring to watch tv and eat dinner in the bedroom after work except to tell me about his day and how everyone is stupid and lazy except him. Its obvious hes insecure but hes also just an angry person In the past 2 years he's changed due to some good fortune that came our way which boosted his self esteem. Unfortunately he still has a hair trigger temper, pointing his finger in my face and yelling loudly. He still puts everyone down (our children- now grown, co workers, other family members, including me). Now he's taken over the finances and we are about to lose our home. He's got my car and drives me to and from work now. Usually the tank is on empty. Not always enough food in the house now. And what really creeps me out I when he yells at me and then babytalks his granddaughter in the next breath before he continues on his rant. U want to leave. He said he'd kill me if I do. If he doesn't unleash the gates of hell on me, he'll play on my sympathy. Crying, threatening suicide, making me feel guilty. There's alot more but don't want to bore you. Has anyone else been in this situation? Especially with someone they've been with for so long? I honestly don't know how to play it out. Go when he's ranting? Try telling him when he's not? He honestly doesn't see a problem so discussion and heart to heart talks don't work.

[Yanna]

What a terrible situation... I can't really give you any advice because I've never been in this sort of relationship, but all I can say is that it takes a lot of courage to even admit to yourself that you need to leave. That's a first step.
I wish you lots of strength..

[votoshka]

Leave him! I am glad your kids are grown up, because it's much easier to leave a marriage when ther aren't young kids in the house!

Take back your car, and get out of there. Obviously he's not going to change. If you really ARE afraid he'll hurt you, then get a restraining order taken out against him (although, odds are it's just talk).

[Kait]

I'm not sure if you live in the USA but you need to found out where the womens shelters are...if he has threaten to kill you (thats abusive) and that's your life...and since you are losing your home and your car...pack your bags and leave while he is at work (get a taxi) don't argue...make a plan to get the hell out. Your not safe. I don't know how, you've mentally made it this long...Make sure you tell professionals whats going on in your life...write a note give it to a love one you trust. Explain all the threats he has threaten you with....so if anything happens to you They know who to look at...

Women's Shelters | Shelters For Women | Domestic Violence Shelters | Battered Women's Shelters

[CroMagna]

I agree with the others. It's time to leave. He's abusive, but you'd have a right to leave even if he were merely annoying. Do you have a plan? Good luck!

[SkylightMT]

Call your local domestic violence shelter and explain the situation to them. Tell them you are not in immediate danger but he has threatened to kill you if you leave, and you want to leave, but need help (protection). At this point you're just talking to them, getting advice. You don't have to do anything just yet. But they can help you start making a plan.

If you don't know the number of the domestic violence shelter in your area 911 or your local health department will have it. Call from work on your break.

[SireneB]

What several other posters had suggested - get in touch with a local domestic violence organization. They can help you figure out the best way to approach this, both for your safety and they will probably be able to recommend legal resources so you get that part handled as well.

I was in a domestic violence group (with other women still in an abusive relationship or who had recently left one) for about a year prior to leaving my abusive ex. Like you, he had taken control of the car. It was difficult to work out the logistics, but I worked out with my boss to take 1/2 day off work a week, officially I was in an "offsite meeting" (in case he called for me or dropped by randomly, which he was prone to do), but actually I took a bus across town to group and back (it crossed the street we lived on and I always ducked when we passed it, just in case).

What was helpful about the group was being able to bring up specific things as they happened at home and get an objective view of them and strategies to deal with them short term, hearing the situations of other women, including those who had left someone who was abusive and either ended up returning to the relationship or getting into another one with similar dynamics (I vowed never to do that), seeing what the other women and I had in common and beginning to see how those traits might lead to being in relationships with abusers, and being able to develop and talk through a concrete strategy to leave with all the needed resources lined up in advance (legal paperwork to serve him when I left, cops at the house for my protection at the time I left, legal paperwork to get my stuff safely after leaving, setting up a place to move to, referral to resources for dealing with the PTSD and depression afterwards, and friendships with some of the women in the group - since I had been so socially isolated,those were important) ... all of these things were helpful and helped support not just the act of leaving, but the rebuilding life part that comes after.

It's a big step, but you can do it.

Good luck, please keep us posted as you proceed.

[elucidate]

I agree with what the others have advised here.

If you are concerned that he might find you I can vouch for domestic violence shelters being just like normal houses from the outside. You would not know you were looking at a shelter if you saw one. There are no signs and usually the person is asked to not reveal the address to even their closest friends or anyone...incase it leaks to the abuser.

You can feel safe and the women there will help you get your life back on track and show you resources you can use to help yourself.

Best of luck. It's great that you felt you could share it with us and be witnessed...often it's a case of no one believes it's going on because the abuser can be very cunning when it comes to how they behave in front of others, and sadly not even family will believe you when it's going on, so having it acknowledged is an important first step in working towards escaping the situation.

[Thoughtful]

I think folks are giving you good advice, praying you find the strength to follow through. Hope 2012 is a year of new beginnings and many blessings for you.

[VinceG]

Just do it. Wait until he'll be gone for several hours, then pack up all the stuff you need, and go. Leave a note so he doesn't call the police thinking you've been abducted.

[Itaintheaven]

I'd like to thank y'all for the support. I called the women's shelter. They were helpful and I can get on my feet much faster financially and be stronger emotionally to not be swayed by his tears or intimidated by his knack of yelling and humiliating me. I plan to leave within the next couple of weeks. I'm so afraid. Not just of his temper but afraid of not knowing if I'll be ok on my own (tho I know in my heart this is the right thing to do), afraid of his tears (I never want to hurt anyone even tho he puts me and everyone he knows down).
One of my sons has washed his hands of his dad. He yelled at him and made him feel bad 1 too many times.
Ty

[Danisoov]

I had something similar happen with my Uncle and Aunt. They were married 40 years... He was apparently what we learned later, had that same temper. Then when my Aunt separated from him he was depressed but they were still talking. He wouldn't sign the divorce. He lost around 30 lbs, had a heart attack, lived. He was mad at my cousin, his son and she was aiding him with out his support.

Long story short he drove her to work, was acting really weird and she felt like he was going to crash the car on purpose to kill them, or pull out a gun. That same afternoon he shot and killed himself. The sheriff told my Aunt she was lucky because in MOST of these scenarios the man kills the wife before himself.

Please seek out a therapist for yourself first, develop a well thought out plan and get away from him. Get a restraining order. It doesn't sound safe or healthy for you to be with him.

Best of wishes.