What do you do when you're 24 and don't have a core group of friends?

[NicB]

Hey guys, i need some advice.

As the title states - What do you do when you're 24 and don't have a core group of friends?

I've been feeling really lonely and distressed all throughout 2011 because i've been feeling like i have nobody, and because i feel like maybe i'll never have anybody?? I haven't always felt this way. But in October 2010 me and my girlfriend of 4 years broke up, and then i also moved out of town where all my "core" friends live and now i'm out of the loop with everybody, i don't get involved anymore due to geographical inconvenience.

I have plenty of "associates", i.e. if i go to a party there's plenty of people i know and can talk to and have fun with etc. But i don't really have any close friends apart from maybe 1 or 2 people. And they aren't really that close.

There's nobody i really feel i can talk about anything with. I don't really feel like i have anybody "on my side".

Don't get me wrong, i have some beautiful relationships in my life. But they're all from different social circles and aren't really a regular thing. I'm alone a lot.

I miss group dialogue/group conversation. I miss being part of a social "team". I miss having a laugh with a group of friends around a table.

I'm still in contact with my "core" friends of the past, who i went to high school with. But honestly some of those friendships feel really stale and i can't help but feel frustration when hanging out with them. I feel like some of them (we're talking people who used to be like a best friend to me) don't really understand me, and perceive me in such a way that i don't really resonate with. Sometimes i even come away feeling bad about myself, like i've done something wrong, or have been awkward presence for them for some reason. I never get that with new people i meet.
I like them all. But it's really annoying to feel like they've got me all wrong, and i just don't feel in the loop or involved anymore anyway.

What do i do??

All i want is a circle of people who i love to bits and love me back, who i'm really interested in and who understand me and i resonate with them etc.

I definitely feel like i need new friends. But i don't know how to go about it. How does it even happen?? I mean, i'm friends with the people i'm friends with now because we went to high school together. How do you find yourself in the situation where you're in a new social group?? How do i make it happen? Is it even possible? Ideas?

Also, how can i resolve these awful lonely feelings that keep me awake at night?!
(haha that sounds really deep & emo, but damnit, it's true!)

It might help if some of you share your experience with this, if you've had one similar.

[Clint Cora]

Having gone through several major relocations during my working career, I can certainly appreciate where you are coming from. Each time you move, it is like starting over again and you just do what you have to do to gain another circle of friends again, or you risk ending up where you are currently.

The fact is that people are not going to come to you, as a new person in the area. Instead, you have to make active efforts to get out and find suitable new friendships, and I emphasize 'suitable', not just the first signs of humanity you see on the streets just because you are lonely.

Research in your area the groups, clubs, activities that might interest you. Maybe even ask coworkers for ideas too. When you get in with people who are interested in the same things you are, conversation should become much easier and more natural. Plus the fact that you are new in the area, you should be able to ask them more about the area as well.

It's going to take work for sure but it's very possible to get several new friends in a new area. I have in each city I lived in and I still am friends with them all these years.

It's up to you to get out there.

Have fun with it.

[Calco]

As a 23 year old in a similar situation, I thought I'd offer some advice.

A little background credentials. I've had a group of around 5-6 people that I've been very close to for the last 10 years. I've also been in a few long-term relationship since I was 14 years old. A few years ago I moved cities to attend University and when I came back it felt like my friends weren't the same people who I remembered. Whilst we still got on really well, it was difficult trying to slot back into an old routine as everyone had grown up a bit and taken on new responsibilities (houses, work, relationships). A short time ago I split up with my girlfriend and felt I was in a position of loneliness similar to what you are describing.

I realised early on that in order to feel 'right' again I had to deal with problems both internally and externally. It was clear that for a large part of my life I had been relying on my friends and girlfriends to provide me with happiness (the external problem). Whilst this seemed like a big issue in itself, it became apparent that this was just a facade masking the real issue underneath. The truth is, I didn't have a great enough sense of self-worth to provide myself with intrinsic happiness (the internal problem).

I guarantee that half of the problems in your life are easily solved once you understand exactly what the main issues are. It's best to think of your 'loneliness' as a symptom to an illness, much in the same way as a snotty nose is a symptom of a cold (That's not to say that you're ill). What I'm getting at is you're focusing too hard on the symptoms and not attacking the root cause of the problem. Unfortunately that's not something that we can help you with very easily as only you know the answer.

With that being said I do have some more tangible and practical advice for you. Clint makes an excellent point that people are not going to come to you, you have to go find them! Depending on where you live, your hobbies and interests, whether you're naturally an extrovert may all be factors in how easily you can meet new people. But the underlying message is you have to go out and try!

So here are some general rules that I want you to try and follow as closely as possible over the coming weeks.

1. Never turn down an invitation. Even if it's for something you don't feel like doing or with someone you don't like too much
2. Any 50-50 decision you have to answer in the affirmitive!
3. Try and talk to three new people everyday. Even if it's just saying "Hi, How's it going?" to someone you're standing in line next to
4. Never write people off as 'not your type' because even if you're not having fun all the time with a particular person, chances are they have friends, or even friends of friends that you might get along with.
5. Try something you're NOT interested in. This goes against the advice that many people will give you. The reasoning behind it is that often people believe they know what they like and are unwilling to try new thinks. This limits the types of people you'll meet to the types of people you've met already. Get a better prespective by meeting people from all walks of life!
6. And finally; don't put any pressure on yourself. Millions of years of evolution has taught us how to assess people in a very short space of time. People can pick up on desperation and negative feelings in general. Just get caught up in the moment when in conversation with someone and stop analysing the long-term potential of the person becoming a long-term friend

Let us know how you get on! And remember, life is only difficult because we make it that way.

[theuprising]

Calco's no. 6 hit the nail on the head. Be a friendly and social guy and friends will come to you. Be needy, lonely, and desperate, and I guarantee you, no matter how hard you try, you will repel people.

Probably step 1 to not being sad in your current situation is stop deriving your emotional state off of how successful you are here.

[Brutha]

There's nobody i really feel i can talk about anything with. I don't really feel like i have anybody "on my side".

Then start talking with your associates about more meaningful stuff.

[Yanna]

Hi,

I've lived in five different countries in the last six years so I know what it's like to have to start from scratch with making friends. It can be frustrating and lonely in the beginning, but it can be done as long as you're someone who is active and fun to hang out with. The key is to enjoy your own company. The more you enjoy your own company, the more people want to be your friend.

And yeah, the first tip Calco gives: never turn down an invitation. They say 80% of success is showing up, that's definitely true with friendships. It helps if you have a framework: a kickboxing class, a weekly pub quiz, a first aid course, volunteer work...

Good luck!

[BillieAnn]

Hi. Coincidentally, I came to your post. As I read below I got feelings, I realized that I am not alone in the world who fight all the battles alone, small or large I managed alone. Sorry for my English. I have 25 years. Even when I was little I wanted to be part of a group ..There is nothing that we're missing, but simply, there has warriors who fight alone! Life itself is not nice to be sad why is bad. Life is just for living .. people is for sharing, friends is for making happi and sad moments together! But .. sometimes, how we are grow up, there just friends for party and others one or two best people with who can to be quiet without being uncomfortable. When you whant to talk with someone, try with some of your best friend .. but if there is no one, just write something to paper od pc .. or cry alone and love your self alone ..after that say to your self: Life is beautiful, I am the best and go out and do whatever do you whant to do!
I wish you love!!