Looking for Serious Advice

[BrennaJB]

I have been in a unhealthy relationship for 22 years. Sticking by a drug addicted man because he was the father of our children and thought it was the right thing to do. Five years ago we were married (I know, what was I thinking) and in January he went back to jail again. I picked him up on July 31 and told him at that moment I wanted a divorce.

Before I get to my question, let me precipitate it by saying he has never been abusive physically and truly has a good heart that has been clouded by his addictions. Had I been stronger, had more self-worth and a numerous other things, I might have realized sooner that we were destined to fail - but I didn't. Our children are grown, I have proven to myself that I can survive on my own and am ready to move on..thus the delimma.

I recently started dating and am having an affair (as we are still legally married). PA does not recognize seperation. My husband found out about the affair and I did confess. Of course, he is heart broken and has been trying for the last few months to elicit another try which I cannot give.

I feel guilty, but alive. I don't know if I am right or wrong and don't know what to do at this point because I am torn between trying to make my husband feel better (comfort him...not take him back) or just move on and ignore the hurt and pain I've caused him.

Any insight is appreciated!

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by BrennaJB

I have been in a unhealthy relationship [...] I know, what was I thinking [...] told him at that moment I wanted a divorce [...] I can survive on my own and am ready to move on [...] he is heart broken and has been trying for the last few months to elicit another try which I cannot give

Okay, that's all perfectly clear. You know exactly what you want, you understand some of the motivations behind how you got into the relationship and stayed in it, all that.

But then you sabotage yourself:

Originally Posted by BrennaJB

I feel guilty [...] I don't know what to do at this point

Yes, you do know. You were very clear about it (see above).

I'd be willing to bet that the husband is pushing your emotional buttons in order to control you with that guilt, but no matter the origin of it, don't allow guilt to control you, and never make decisions from a place of guilt (or fear).

Giving in to guilt is like scratching a mosquito bite, in that it relieves the discomfort briefly but it makes the situation worse, and then it comes back shortly and you're in the same dilemma. The only way to get over it and let it heal is to ignore it until it goes away for good (and it will, if you allow it).

[newkaren]

If your seperated, I don't know that I would call it an affair. Legally married or not.

I once dated a man that had been seperated from his wife for 3 years. I did not see it as cheating in any way. Neither did he, nor his wife (yes we met, he had children).

Why are you feeling guilty for dating someone AFTER you asked for the divorce?

[GregD]

Hi whatever the case 22 years connection is a very deep connection and no matter what happens you will still have feelings for him simply because you have a lot of history.

That said have you also talked to your grown up kids? Asked what they think? Because I am sure they would want you to be happy and you could get support from them also which is a very significant emotional support.

Finally, if he is still continuing with his old criminal ways then he can only bring harm to your family and actually even if you loved him you should get your kids away from him simply because of that. You never know if one day some criminal friend of his would not want to bring revenge on your family.

If on the other hand he has stopped completely all those things and you are 110% sure that he has then perhaps you can have a fresh start.

[Clint Cora]

There is always going to be pain in any failed relationship so there's no avoiding that. Both you and your husband deserve to be with compatible people. It is clear that you two are no longer compatible.

You've already determined that and it takes two for a healthy relationship. Therefore you already know that your current marriage is over. Heartbreak even with failed relationships is expected so think about the better future that both you and your husband will have -- with others.

Since your kids are grown, it would be easier compared to if they were still kids. You have your future to look forward to and so does your husband, even if he doesn't see it now. So you just have to do the right thing in order to access that future.

Good luck