[ADULT] Is my husband Gay?

[kikigoodas]

My husband borrowed my computer to do some work from home, he had some problems with the setting in his email and asked me if i knew how to fix it and i said no. Anyway, i asked to use my computer about an hour after, his email was still open so i decided to try and fix the problem he mentioned earlier, while doing so i saw some folders he made in the inbox, so me being inquisitive, i checked one and saw about 7 website links forwarded from his office email to the current email, and they were all gay sites showing she-males or transvestites having sex.

I confronted him and asked him about it and he said he was just curious and wanted to see something different and he thinks he is addicted to porn and he swore he is not gay and has never been with a man. in two weeks will make a year since we have been married, and we are together about 1 yr 6 months.

I honestly don't know what to think right now and i told him, if it was two women it would be bad or not so bad, but men or transvestites...... i'm really afraid to even think it!, is my husband gay?

[ZephyrusX]

I think that is something that you'll need to discuss with your husband. We can't tell you. He may simply be curious, as he said.

Did you really tell him 'if it was two women it would be bad or not so bad, but men or transvestites...... i'm really afraid to even think it!'

Lets assume for a moment that he is homosexual. Would you want to confer to a man that you must love on some level that he is 'bad' (or 'worse than bad' if I'm reading this correctly)?

As for having an open discussion with your husband, I think it would be a good idea to speak non-judgmentally and respect his privacy. Personally, I would be more than a little piqued if someone violated my privacy like that and then had the nerve to confront me with judgments.

I take it that you are very confused. The best solution to that is open and respectful communication with your husband.

Originally Posted by kikigoodas

I confronted him and asked him about it and he said he was just curious and wanted to see something different and he thinks he is addicted to porn and he swore he is not gay and has never been with a man. in two weeks will make a year since we have been married, and we are together about 1 yr 6 months.

I honestly don't know what to think right now and i told him, if it was two women it would be bad or not so bad, but men or transvestites...... i'm really afraid to even think it!, is my husband gay?

[Criseyde]

Try the Dan Savage method of determining whether one's boyfriend/husband is gay: when he goes down on you, does he stay hard?

[SireneB]

As an aside, you might want to mention to him that doing that sort of browsing at work, and sending such links in his work e-mail (even to himself) could cause a risk to his job. There are plenty of cases of that, at least in the U.S.

[aelle]

A few things come to mind. First, if he has been having a satisfactory sex life with you for as long as you have been together, chances are he is not 100% gay - he has at least enough attraction to women to love you and be with you, right?

Second, being attracted to a MtF transsexual (who presents as female, regardless of what hir genitals look like) is not the same thing as being attracted to a man. I know guys who are attracted, who have had sex with MtF transsexuals and identify as straight. Also, watching porn is not the same thing as real life attraction. I watch male gay porn on occasion. I'm not a gay man.

Third, even if he does feel some attraction to some men, is that a big deal? Bisexuals can be monogamous, and satisfied by monogamy, too.

I suggest you have a relaxed, non judgmental, no-pressure conversation with him on the topic. He may have felt attacked by your previous prying so take it slow and respect his boundaries, too. Let him explain his desires and trust what he says, then take some time on your own sort out your feelings (are you upset because he watches porn? because you're afraid he might not be attracted to you? because you have negative feelings about homo- or bisexuality?) and determine your boundaries (do you want him to stop? is it a deal breaker if he doesn't?).

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by Criseyde

Try the Dan Savage method of determining whether one's boyfriend/husband is gay: when he goes down on you, does he stay hard?

Or does he vomit?? Yup, I knew a woman married to a gay man... he vomited...

[kikigoodas]

That's exactly what i told him, because i know they are able to see it, and i said to him, homosexuals at that, holy crap i can imagine what they are thinking of you!. The worst part of it is that he has a good paying job!

[kikigoodas]

He slept in the other room last night and i didn't ask him to. yes i am uncomfortable with even the thought of my husband having sex with a man and then coming home to me..... oh hell no!, and i asked him to stop. he claims he will seek counselling so i asked when!.... and as i told him, any day he believes that's what he wants ( a man), let me know so i can divorce him!

[kikigoodas]

Originally Posted by votoshka

Or does he vomit?? Yup, I knew a woman married to a gay man... he vomited...

he stays hard

[aelle]

Originally Posted by kikigoodas

He slept in the other room last night and i didn't ask him to. yes i am uncomfortable with even the thought of my husband having sex with a man and then coming home to me..... oh hell no!, and i asked him to stop. he claims he will seek counselling so i asked when!.... and as i told him, any day he believes that's what he wants ( a man), let me know so i can divorce him!

But... he doesn't.

[arpee]

I agree with Aelle. Also, I just wanted to say, I think the problem here is that you aren't trusting. Now that you found out about this you are scared that he may cheat on you with a man or something...

Remember, for most men, porn is just a fantasy... some of the things in porn the men don't want to do in real life.

[decency]

Not enough evidence to say if your man is gay, but IF he is....the MUCH BIGGER question is....what did you do to make him hate women so much.

[atwinky]

Originally Posted by decency

Not enough evidence to say if your man is gay, but IF he is....the MUCH BIGGER question is....what did you do to make him hate women so much.

Well thats a bit harsh isnt it? Who is saying that she has done enything and why does she need to have done something for her husband to be gay? If she is worried about this i would say comments like that would make her feel worse.

[kikigoodas]

Originally Posted by decency

Not enough evidence to say if your man is gay, but IF he is....the MUCH BIGGER question is....what did you do to make him hate women so much.

what have i done?.... love him , take care of him, encourage him to better himself, keep him clean and always well dressed, keep my house clean , take care of his child, make him great dinners, ♥♥♥♥ him good, you name it,.......?, my husband is 45 and im 29, he been ♥♥♥♥ing for years before i met him so i have'nt done squat, plus he has been married before.

[Criseyde]

Originally Posted by kikigoodas

he stays hard

I sincerely doubt he's gay, then. Seriously. I suppose he could be bi, but I'm pretty sure he finds women arousing.

Originally Posted by decency

Not enough evidence to say if your man is gay, but IF he is....the MUCH BIGGER question is....what did you do to make him hate women so much.

That's a strange, accusatory, and dare I say indecent question. I'll be watching this thread.

[Philemon]

Originally Posted by Criseyde

Try the Dan Savage method of determining whether one's boyfriend/husband is gay: when he goes down on you, does he stay hard?

I don't think this is an accurate test.

[BillyTheAdult]

Originally Posted by philemon

i don't think this is an accurate test.

+1

[Criseyde]

Originally Posted by Philemon

I don't think this is an accurate test.

I can see it turning up some false positives. I'd be interested if you think it could turn up a false negative (i.e., could a gay man stay hard while going down on a woman without some sort of outside assistance?).

It wasn't meant to be taken at face value, though. There's a lot of gay-panic ("am I gay for liking this"/"is my boyfriend/husband gay because he likes that"), but it's actually reasonably simple: if a man desires and enjoys sex with women, he's not gay. "What is he" could get a lot more complicated, but a forum full of strangers isn't going to answer that question.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by kikigoodas

....as i told him, any day he believes that's what he wants ( a man), let me know so i can divorce him!

Can you see how this puts him in a tight spot (so to speak )? Telling him that if he has those desires and tells you about it, that means the end of your marriage? If he does have those desires and wants to remain married to you, his only option is to continue desiring in secret.

How about doing counseling together, improving your communication skills as a couple so that both of you feel like you have what you need to make choices that work really well for each of you? If he is gay or bi, or even if he's straight, being in a great relationship means really feeling free to be who you are and to trust one another to support each other's well-being.

[russianrocket]

The Negative Effects of Pornography


if you follow the links on that page, you'll actually see how they explain that porn addiction can have people get aroused by things they normally wouldn't get aroused by. Such as gay porn.

[arpee]

Originally Posted by decency

Not enough evidence to say if your man is gay, but IF he is....the MUCH BIGGER question is....what did you do to make him hate women so much.

So in order for someone to be gay they have to "hate" women?

Anyway, you need to accept your husband as he is. If you don't, he'll just keep desiring behind your back.

[C33]

Not enough evidence to say if your man is gay, but IF he is....the MUCH BIGGER question is....what did you do to make him hate women so much.

This posted by someone with the screen name Decency on Personal Development for Smart People

O.P - Does your husband love you? Treats you well? Do you feel you can trust him?

To me, the fact that he sends email with such links from his work address indicates he is probably more bored at work than gay.

A gay man who would be ''hiding" his sexuality would probably not take that risk to be found out.

Who is the person talking about counseling, is it him agreeing to go to counseling? I'm a bit confused. Or did he agree with you he needed counseling because he was turned on by those images.

I agree with Russian Rocket about porn consumption.

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by decency

Not enough evidence to say if your man is gay, but IF he is....the MUCH BIGGER question is....what did you do to make him hate women so much.

I found this to be very offensive. Whether her husband IS gay or not is absolutely NOTHING to do with anything she has done! People don't "decide" to be gay, they either are or aren't (or they're bi...). A straight person isn't going to miraculously become gay because someone of the opposite sex treated them poorly .

[Frisky]

I dont think guys that are into she-males or transvestites are gay.

But I could be wrong

[Marger]

Originally Posted by Angela

How about doing counseling together, improving your communication skills as a couple so that both of you feel like you have what you need to make choices that work really well for each of you? If he is gay or bi, or even if he's straight, being in a great relationship means really feeling free to be who you are and to trust one another to support each other's well-being.

I fully agree with this. The only path to a solution that I see is doing counseling together. kikigoodas, right now you are pointing the finger at him and saying: "you have a problem, go fix it". He may have a problem, but you are pointing that finger because you are seeing this situation as a problem for you. That's why you'll need to work it out together.

Also, I detect a lot of emotion in your postings. That is completely understandable, however it might cloud your judgement. Try to process your emotions seperately from judging the situation. In your emotional replies here you don't leave much room for a solution.

From what you tell us the situation is simply this: your husband watches transsexual porn and you cannot accept that element as a part of your husband's life within your marriage. Like I said: that is a situation to be resolved by the both of you together.

If your preferred outcome of the situation is a happy marriage once again, you need to ask yourself what steps could lead to that outcome. Will you be 100% satisfied if he promises not to do it again? Even if he would still desire to do so? Would he need to pass some kind of Straight test? Would an old fashoined Christian gayxorcism do the trick? I'm just saying: make sure you know in what direction you would like this situation to develop and work on that together.

[kikigoodas]

Originally Posted by C33

This posted by someone with the screen name Decency on Personal Development for Smart People

O.P - Does your husband love you? Treats you well? Do you feel you can trust him?

To me, the fact that he sends email with such links from his work address indicates he is probably more bored at work than gay.

A gay man who would be ''hiding" his sexuality would probably not take that risk to be found out.

Who is the person talking about counseling, is it him agreeing to go to counseling? I'm a bit confused. Or did he agree with you he needed counseling because he was turned on by those images.

I agree with Russian Rocket about porn consumption.

he offered to go to counselling, but also anytime we have marital disagreements thats always his first option, lets go to counselling. and i do know for a fact that is he definately bored at work, because he texts and calls me constantly sometimes.

[kikigoodas]

i also did some further investigation today and checked the history on the computer downstairs which he uses nightly and proclaims he is on facebook, and realised that he does go on "normal" porn websites, so maybe he was being truthful abt just being curious. However, the amount of websites that i saw he was viewing opened up a new can of worms because i finally understood that in his confession last night abt being addicted to porn he actually is, and i never knew or had no idea, he does have a few tapes but i thought that was it, until ALAS!!!!!, ohhhh dear!

[Frisky]

Originally Posted by kikigoodas

i also did some further investigation today and checked the history on the computer downstairs which he uses nightly and proclaims he is on facebook, and realised that he does go on "normal" porn websites, so maybe he was being truthful abt just being curious. However, the amount of websites that i saw he was viewing opened up a new can of worms because i finally understood that in his confession last night abt being addicted to porn he actually is, and i never knew or had no idea, he does have a few tapes but i thought that was it, until ALAS!!!!!, ohhhh dear!

Usually when guys look outside their marriage for sex (even for porn) means they dont feel they have a fullfilled sex life with their wife.

Not saying thats your fault though, so please dont take it the wrong way

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by Frisky

Usually when guys look outside their marriage for sex (even for porn) means they dont feel they have a fullfilled sex life with their wife.

Not saying thats your fault though, so please dont take it the wrong way

And sometimes it has nothing to do with how good the marriage is or not or how good sex in the marriage is. For alot of people, monogamy is a challenge, and it isn't anything to do with their partner. For such people, porn or fantasy may be a healthier outlet than cheating.

[Philemon]

Originally Posted by kikigoodas

he offered to go to counselling, but also anytime we have marital disagreements thats always his first option, lets go to counselling. and i do know for a fact that is he definately bored at work, because he texts and calls me constantly sometimes.

If he often recommends counselling, I think it shows he genuinely cares about making the relationship succeed. Maybe you should take him up on the recommendation.

Carefully, though, make sure your prepared. The point of the counselling would not be to cure his porn addiction; it's to strengthen your relationship, improve your communication and intimacy. Likely, there are some areas you could improve on as well.