Cynicism, Family Relationship Issues

[Obelus]

You know I thought that as I got a little older and more mature my inherent disgust for people would subside. I think it's only getting stronger. If you guys recall there was a fairly recent episode of South Park titled "I Have Cynicism" where Stan's very perception of the world is modified and everything begins looking "crappy." When I saw the episode I was pretty frightened because of how squarely it pegged me, because I know that cynicism is an ugly disposition.

So what inspired this post? I guess a lot of small things building over time in combination with actually having some free time to think and write. I've been so busy and stressed (but who isn't). For me it's not building toward any kind of eruption (I don't have problems with anger) but more of an ever present slowly approaching realization that I can't stand where I am in life right now. Writing about it helps so it's nice to have time to do this again.

I'll start with the most recent event and work backwards.

I was at my nephew's birthday party and it was a typically miserable family gathering filled with forced conversation and overeating. The fact that nobody actually cares about anyone else seemed more present in the atmosphere. The typical intolerable banal conversations we've all acted and reacted a thousand times took place. Conversations about the weather and our miserable careers. Conversations talking trash about whichever relative nobody likes (I don't participate), and retelling tired stories about medical problems and all of the mundane garbage people talk about on their way to getting old and dying.

The worst piece of forced conversation is when someone tries to talk about the one thing they think they know about you. It gives you a good reference point in time for when they stopped giving a flip. They were interested at some point genuinely, and learned a single or a few facts about you and now every time they see you they bring up those narrow subjects. To top off the situation the big screen television was being used as a giant slide show depicting the family pictures of my brothers family so we couldn't at least fill all of the uncomfortable pauses with background television noise, and I couldn't pretend to be interested in whatever stupid show was on to avoid interfacing with these pukes. Even worse still, there weren't enough seats for everyone so I ended up standing for a few hours in a cramped room with nowhere to run. On top of that since there were a ton of miserable people sitting in a room forcing conversation on each other and a couple of little kids running around playing the temperature went through the roof only adding to the misery.

What kind of self absorbed people scroll family pictures on their big screen television for a birthday? Am I insane to think that this is some kind of red flag? It's got to reveal some kind of weird child fetishism. It's not just the television, dear reader, for the house also contains several collage style billboards filled with the very same pictures, taking up wall space in several rooms. So it was a bad night. In short, but that was really all just atmospheric unpleasantries. Events are a whole different thing all together.

Why not start with my brother. He's become a dickhead, honestly. I'm standing in a narrow passage, (can't remember if it's a hallway or a doorway) and he's coming through it. Now, the proper way to negotiate this situation is to use words like "excuse me" or say something like "hey man let me get past you real quick, thanks." One of the many incorrect ways to negotiate the situation is to say nothing, duck your head, and gradually shove your way through without saying a word as if everyone ought to simply make way for you.

Not long ago I decided to take some vacation from work (breaking vacation out to make a string of 3 day weekends), so I told him about it to see if we could get together and do something while I'm off. Instead of interpreting this as an invitation, he turns it into a competition (which he does frequently) and informs me that he always gets 3 day weekends... but he says it in that way where he think's he's "beat" you and he's very satisfied with himself for having said it. Used to I would call him up and take him to lunch (and buy him lunch) just to hang out with him now that we're older and we have our own lives. I naively valued that relationship. I've since stopped doing that and is it any surprise that he hasn't called me a single time to hang out or have lunch (unless he needs something)? Brothers, what a joke. We were told when we were growing up to be nice to each other because, "that's your best friend for life boy." (Of course it doesn't help that my Dad and Uncle haven't spoken in over two years.) Excommunications run in the family I heard.

Back to the birthday party. This other older guy there walks behind me after I'm pouring myself a drink, and flat out takes it. Without any inquiry into whose it may be, or whether it's just sitting there to be taken... he takes it. Drinks had not been poured for anyone throughout the birthday, we were all responsible for getting our own. Tactfully I recognize he's being a prick and tell him to go ahead and take that one (since he's old) and I'll pour myself another. I'm not going to make a big deal about it because I'm not in my own house and it's my nephews birthday and I don't want to take any attention away from that. This same guy is the type of guy that steals his wife's seat when she gets up to go do something, and doesn't give it back in a very childish "finder's keepers" way.

There were a lot more little things, but it's so exhausting trying to catalog all of these stupid little things. They make me feel like garbage, and the bottom line is I don't see me being able to participate in this family anymore.