peer relationship

[forum]

Hi there - I just turned 28 and it finally hit me - so I'm asking for help and your advice.

Throughout college, sports, career, girlfriends and life in general - my friends described me as an extremely driven person. Right after college and until recently, my work was in a highly competitive industry which required a lot of networking - and I was good at it. I would say being goal driven helped to reach certain work performance, but majority business relationships were defined by fair exchange of business value. Now I moved to a big city and work in a research department.

So, it takes a lot for me to swallow and say: although, I can be very persuasive and charming I’ve come to realized that other than "networking for production goals" - in regular social dynamics/setting - somehow I put people "one guard" or "on defensive".

So, I asked my friends’ very painful questions and top 3 feedbacks are below. Perhaps, you dealt with similar and can help with a sense of direction:

1. I was told that in a conversation verbally and with body-language I "put" myself as "better". It was noted it’s NOT a blatant "always-one-up" or "that is even-better than this". (I think this has something to do with ego - correct me if I'm wrong - what's the best way to approach this?)

2. The questions I ask are very information gathering. (I was completely unaware – so - what questions are appropriate and which are “faux-pas”)

2.1 Having "drilling eyes/look" (when I heard this it was unreal - never though I stare at people)

3. Being un perceptive when someone hints or conveys a meaning indirectly. (how does one become more perceptive?)

Sometimes after few interactions I can notice a person becoming unconfrtable without even knowing exactly why. In other instances I just don't know what to say and the air gets thick.

YOUR SUGGESTIONS, BOOKS TO READ, THINGS TO DO, PERSONAL STORIES OF SELF IMPROVEMENT - WILL BE APPRECAITED VERY MUCH.

[tomtomtom]

Well I mean guys are competitive and look to establish dominance in some way so staning like you are "better" is a pretty weak complaint from your friends. Do you believe you are better? Are you? What if you were standing with Tiger Woods, and Brett Favre would you still stand "better" Gathering information is fine, it just depends on the situation. If you guys are metting at a resturant later on it would be accetable to ask questions about time, dress, whats going on after, do you know if their is parking, you are a person who likes to have a clear picture in his mind before doing something. Though if the gathering is along the lines of "gossip" or "personal" like your buddies said he just got an "std" then you do a 20 question follow up. Should not be to hard to figuer out. With eyes, in non formal situation you could become more funny, make a few jokes, make jokes about yourself that will take care of all of this. Look in random directions, just chill out, dont be so intense. You may be to intense or wired or focused on your side of the story to notice small hits or clues

[The Cloud]

You sound very goal-oriented, which isn't bad, but it's not what casual conversation is about. You don't actually have to have casual conversation at all; the whole point is that it arises in the absence of necessity. If you're always trying to get something done, you're never going to lose your intensity. The best you'll do is alter your impression, but it won't be authentic and therefore won't be as good as actually being at ease.

You're probably very used to goals and use them to solve everything, but in this case, that approach will ultimately hinder you. A casual interaction is one made in the absence of ulterior motive, so using goals to try to develop that skill is a contradiction. If you want to appear casual, your approach may work, but if you want to actually be at ease, it won't.

[Clint Cora]

Networking has changed somewhat in recent times. People will know right away if you are genuine or not and if you are just there to do 'business'. The most successful networking relationships are those were people are more service oriented (asking what you can do for others, rather than just purely information seeking to further your own career/business).

One way to at least physically see yourself is to go through a mock networking conversation with your friends but without drastically changing what you have been doing -- and have this session videotaped. Then watch yourself and see if any of your friends' comments are warranted.

Being outgoing is one thing but coming across as somebody purely on a mission for himself is another. I don't know you so I can't say for sure which way you tend to go towards. The best is to take a combo of your friends' comments, especially if the same type of comments surface all the time and your own self analysis with a video session.

[forum]

Clint - i appreciate the video - you bring up an interesting point about expanding the comfort level - perhaps i come off stand offish when i am not comfortable - people at work did say "i'm too serious" - "intense" etc...

[forum]

Cloud - thank you - i agree about casual conversation - how do i become more at ease? can you suggest some material to read - excercises etc?

[forum]

tomtom - by being "wired up" i think i turned some co-workers into competitive mode with/against me - especially one girl - i was thinking about the best way to handle it: i can go head to head with her but that would be my usual self - i feel like i need to try something different

I'm open for any suggestions, criticism, reading - you name it - i need to figure this out

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by forum

Cloud - thank you - i agree about casual conversation - how do i become more at ease? can you suggest some material to read - excercises etc?

Don't read anything, don't do exercises. If you have to do something, try to avoid all goal-oriented behavior toward improving casual conversation skills. Like I said, using goals to accomplish something goalless is a contradiction; the harder you try, the more you'll defeat yourself. If you read a book to improve your conversation skills, the skills you employ won't be casual. If you perform exercises to make yourself more at ease, you'll just get worked up.

Being casual isn't about how you come across to another person, it's about how you feel inside. If you're relaxed, it doesn't matter what the other person sees or thinks. You don't need any skills or improvements to be at ease, and if you're trying to be at ease, then by definition you're failing. I think that the less you do to improve yourself and measure your improvement, the more you'll improve. If you notice you're not improving, you're paying too much attention to your improvement. If you notice you are improving, then what are you complaining about ?

The logic is actually rather simple; being at ease is the opposite of effort. Therefore, no effort you make will put you at ease, and all that that implies.

[ssandra]

I would suggest

"How to make friends and influence people". It's a classic and a good read.

Also, Stephen Coveys 7 habits of highly successful people. Good examples of communication in there.

One great one that I like:

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood".

When asking questions, ask it out of interest in the other person. Really understand and get to know the other person. Not for your own benefit, but because you are interested in them. Not because they can get you something, but simply to know them.