Saying 'OK' when people want to do something, instead of arguing about it

[moonrambler]

A friend and I are going to the football game tomorrow. She is coming from out of town just for the game and dinner afterward. She wants to pick me up -- it's not exactly on the way, but sort of. I want to take my car and meet her there. I haven't told her that yet, and I hesitate to call her because I know she is going to argue with me about it. I was thinking how I wish people wouldn't argue with me when I want to do something a certain way, and that they'd just say "OK." Then I realized -- I argue with others like that all the time!

I'm thinking of monitoring myself closely for when I'm going to argue with someone about what they want to do instead of just saying "OK." This would be if it really doesn't have any particular effect on me one way or another.

This leaves me with questions about how to handle certain situations. For instance, I'm getting together with two friends on Thanksgiving, both of whom work that day. One wants to have the dinner on Wednesday and I want to have it on the holiday, with a simpler dinner since they have to work. The other person prefers to have it on the holiday but would agree to Wednesday if I would. Should I have just said "OK" to having dinner on Wednesday?

By that token, I guess I should just say "OK" to the friend who wants to pick me up tomorrow! It's strange that this is so confusing to me.

[Clint Cora]

As you can appreciate, there should be give and take in friendships. If you suddenly become aware that you tend to assert too much dominance, then good for you for at least recognizing it. This is a start to moving towards a more balanced friendship.

As for the trio get together, I would think that majority rules or at least the best arrangement that doesn't inconvenience anybody. Maybe dig a bit to see why the friend who wants dinner on the other day. Maybe there might be a conflict in schedule?

[newkaren]

why does it have to be an argument?

How about a "I would rather take my car, and I'd just assume you respect my decision and not argue with me"

[Criseyde]

I am the kind of person who just says okay if people want to do things that don't really affect me. In the latter situation, I would probably say "since the two of you have to work, you decide which day and I will show up whenever." If they argued about it, then I would cast my vote based on what I wanted, and hopefully everyone could agree to a majority rule.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by moonrambler

By that token, I guess I should just say "OK" to the friend who wants to pick me up tomorrow!

Hi, Moonrambler!

Why didn't you say "OK" to the friend who wants to pick you up tomorrow? What is it you want, positively stated, that you can have only by driving your own car and not by being picked up?

Also with Thanksgiving - what is it you desire (what quality or value or condition) -- what's your purpose -- for having dinner with these people? After the dinner is long over, what is it about the event that will have you look back on and say, wow, that was really great?

[votoshka]

Moonrambler, I totally get where you are coming from. It's always weird when you reaslise that something you don't appreciate about others, you do yourself too! It's a good way of making yourself think about your actions though .

In your situation, I think you just need to work out what works best for everyone! If you would prefer to take your car, then call your friend and tell her you'd find it easier if you just drove yourself (and give your reasons).

And as for the thanksgiving dinner, again work out why you have the response you have, and see if you can come to an agreement that works well for everyone involved.

But yeah, I will find myself arguing with people when *I* think I know what works best! Sometimes I possibly do, other times, well maybe they have their own reasons for wanting to do things differently. Often though, it's just something simple, like in your case your friend might feel that if she picks you up for the game, that it's easier on you because you don't need to drive and there's no point in you both driving. If you have a specific reason for why you do want to drive, you may see it totally differently. And yeah, you may wind up having a small debate about it if she can't see your reasoning and you can't see hers!

[moonrambler]

Thanks for the responses, everybody.

About the drive to the game -- I want to take my own car so a) I can leave from home later than they want to get there, as they want to tailgate and I don't; and b) I want to go grocery shopping after dinner as long as I'm in The Big City

Oddly enough, she didn't argue with me about bringing my own car and meeting up there. Instead, she argued with me about how I don't want to drink before/during the game (I don't care much for drinking alcohol during the day -- it tends to really relax me to the point of sleepiness.)

I think it's all good, though.

About Thanksgiving -- I guess I really want to have the holiday dinner on the actual holiday. One of the trio who works that day expects she'll be tired out and not wanting to get involved in cooking the way she would on a day off. The other person in the trio, also working that day, would rather have the holiday on the actual holiday, except he's not going to get to have a big turkey unless we have it on Wednesday. But, he also is sentimental and would like to have the holiday on the actual holiday.

So we are planning to have a less elaborate dinner at around 5:30 on Thursday rather than an afternoon event.