I Dont know what to do Anymore ? im 14.

[syd]

So in the past year ive snuck out drank once and lied sometimes never done drugs and lost my virginty as a freshman in highschool. also i stopped trying in school to get my dads attention. when he found out what my grades were he spanked me 3 times with the hand 2 with the belt and 1 backhand. im grounded have no phone or facebook. my mom isnt involved and im not alot to see family or stay over at family member houses. since my mom left i have helped with my 10 yr old brother and constantly clean the house. my dad is scary when hes mad but has never really gone off on me like that. im a pretty goood kid and am trying to get my grades up. im usually on honer roll. its unbearable to live with my dad and each day it gets worse. luckly my grandma and grandpa live next door. before id sleep on the couch at my dads but since he spanked me i moved back next door to my room and keep to myself and usually got bed asap. my grandparents are traditional and quiet. i dont know what to do i have family who would take me in but my dad would never let me leave and if i told cps or my councler that he spanked me and left bruises then my brother would be taken away too and my dad and brother are close. my brothers soccer and my dad come first in the past year i didnt recieve a birthday or xmas present and hardly ever ask for anything. i dont know what to do but my relationship with my dad is gone and as much as i want one iwth him he constantly compares me to my mom and always says im the reason why its gone when its his fault too. i just want out but i dont know how to get out....please help tell me what you think i should do or ask questions so u can eventually help give me an answer. its to the point where sometimes i sit with a bottle of pills and think about it but eventually get scared....its just i think sometimes thats the only way he will pay attention and wake up. i love him its just i cant do it anymore i play the wife more then the daughter.

[syd]

(p.s im fourteen and a freshman in highschool and have only gone past makingout with one guy and reality check most of my friends have given at least a couple bjs and had sex more then once and not just my friends but girls in general....i get called prude because i made the guy wait 4 months before going past kissing. )

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by syd

i just want out but i dont know how to get out.

What kinds of things have you done/thought of to get his attention, and what kind of attention is it that you want from him? Also, what is it that you're doing that you want out of?

P.S. If you love writing, begin sentences with capital letters, use apostrophes on contractions, and break up text into paragraphs. Your thoughts will come across more clearly when they're easier to read.

[votoshka]

Is there any way you could go and live with your mom?? You said she is not in your life, but is that by choice or by circumstance? I'm really not sure what the legality of leaving your dad's house to move in with another relative is, but maybe you could do this without having to say anything about being spanked??

It would seem reasonable that if a family member will take you in and look after your basic needs, you should be able to move out of your dad's home. You don't necessarily need to report him for abuse, either.

If I were you I'd go and talk to a counsellor or someone who can give you advice about where you can live, and who you can or can't live with.

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by syd

he spanked me 3 times with the hand 2 with the belt and 1 backhand.

(Emphasis mine.) This is abuse. Plain and simple, it's abuse. You do need to speak to a counsellor, and right away. Do not hold back because of what you think might happen or not happen, because you don't actually know how things might go, but you need to be safe, and you deserved to be protected. What he did is not okay, is never okay, not in a million years is this acceptable. Please, talk to a counsellor.

[tomtomtom]

Yeah, i would not call that abuse. He was proly just pissed becuase you seem to be slipping and he was not sure what to do. Telling a counsler is a bad idea at this point, i doubt he will do it again if you stay in line, he is just looking out for you.

[votoshka]

I think there's a fine line between what constitutes abuse and what constitutes punishment. Yes, some might consider any physical punishment abuse, but to those who were raised with a "spank on the bottom", such punishment doesn't cross the line into abuse.

If he were to lay into her with his fists, or beat her repeatedly, or continually strap her until she was screaming at him to stop, I'd say it was definitely abuse.

My father spanked me on the behind as a child, and a couple of times used his belt. I don't believe he abused me. He was raising me as he had been raised. He's not by nature an abusive man, and certainly never used his fists or went to extremes.

I just think we have to be careful defining what is and isn't abuse. I've seen parents damaged because they spanked their child and someone cried abuse, when they were simply punishing their children in the way they, themselves, had been punished.

Single parents usually have it doubly hard, and a father raising a teenage girl must find it a challenge. This isn't to say he's behaving in the RIGHT way, but he may simply not know what else to do or how to correct his daughter's behaviour (not that she sounds dreadful, but she has done a few things that I would be concerned about as a parent too).

Still, if the OP has the opportunity to live with other relatives or her mom for awhile, both she and her father may benefit from the separation.

[ZephyrusX]

Are you living with your grandparents right now or with your father? How do your grandparents treat you? Is your relationship with your father tolerable so long as you are living next door?

Originally Posted by syd

i dont know what to do but my relationship with my dad is gone and as much as i want one iwth him he constantly compares me to my mom and always says im the reason why its gone when its his fault too.

This comes across as emotionally abusive. Your father and mother's failed relationships are their responsibility alone and has nothing to do with you. They may have very good reasons for having failed (i.e lack of external and internal resources), they may even feel very stressed about it, but that never excuses emotional abuse (i.e blaming the child) and you have every right to protect your self from it.

It sounds like you very much want a loving relationship with your father, but one thing about maturity is recognizing when that love simply cannot or will not be met by other people. Sometimes this doesn't mean that the other person is an inherently 'bad' person for not being able to do this. It just means that they can't love you the way you want to be loved. If your father can't love you the way you want to, if he makes you feel bad inside, move on. Find someone else who will love you the way you want to be loved.

At the very least, I recommend finding a councillor or an older adult who you could confide in and help you represent your case to your father. Have you spoken to your father about how he makes you feel? Is he willing to change the dynamics of the relationship in order to meet your emotional needs? I think these are the questions you have to answer before deciding what to do about your relationship with your father.

its to the point where sometimes i sit with a bottle of pills and think about it but eventually get scared....its just i think sometimes thats the only way he will pay attention and wake up. i love him its just i cant do it anymore i play the wife more then the daughter.

I wouldn't count on that. I think you can communicate how you feel and assert healthy boundaries (i.e either you treat me better or this relationship will end) without resorting to suicide attempts. You also risk the possibility of drug overdose and harming your self.



Do you have another adult in your life that you can speak to and help represent your case?

[ZephyrusX]

Re: Spanking your child

Just my two cents - hitting your child is not an expression of unconditional love.

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by votoshka

If he were to lay into her with his fists, or beat her repeatedly, or continually strap her until she was screaming at him to stop, I'd say it was definitely abuse.

You consider backhanding someone to be okay? I'm not going to get into the spanking debate or the "is it okay to hit your children with belts" thing, but backhanding is somehow acceptable?

I would assume you've never been backhanded by your father. I have been by mine. It most certainly is abuse, and it can do permanent neurological damage if you're struck in the face (which is the usual target of a backhand). There's nothing "disciplinary" about it.

If I'd known at the time that it was a crime - and it is - I would have told someone about it, but I thought parents had the right to do whatever they wanted to their kids and call it "discipline". I also believed that I deserved it. Wish I'd known otherwise.

I have to admit, I find the whole "don't tell anyone what's happening to you at home" thing really troubling.

EDIT: Here we go. Complete with illustrations, even! Back hand: Discipline.....Front hand: Abuse | Facebook

[ZephyrusX]

I remember my dad spanked me a few times growing up, but never to the point of leaving bruising. I don't know if the bruising is from spanking or the backhanding (or both), but regardless, it is physical abuse.

Besides, the OP is obviously very distressed and desperate over her father's behaviour and evidently feels powerless and alone in this situation. I think that it in self warrants outside interference.

Syd, I honestly don't know what will happen if you tell a councillor that your father hits you. Regardless, even if you love your father very much, you are not obligated to protect him in any way and he has to take responsibility for his own actions. Your first obligation is towards your own physical and emotional well being and outside help will support you in obtaining this. You don't have to feel unsafe and unloved in your house.

[Wombels]

Originally Posted by syd

i love him its just i cant do it anymore i play the wife more then the daughter.

Write a letter (to God) and leave it somewhere not to obvious in your room, like on your desk but not in the full open. Like if you forgot to put (hide) it away.
In this letter you poor out all the anxieties you experience, how you feel emotionally and how you would wish things to be instead.

Don't write, put or paint out your dad in a bad light, rather express the hurt you feel inside.

Don't mention your mother in all of this.

Forget about pills, deal with it instead, you are not at age to even consider pills. Since you are that smart to share your story upon this platform, you have better more intelligent choices to chose from.

One reality with humans is they sometimes hurt the one's they actually love most, it doesn't make sense, therefore remains a sad reality for those who go through that experience of receiving.

Your dad probably deals with certain issues which them might have grown above his head for the time being, it doesn't mean his a bad person or doesn't love you, but on the other hand keep in mind his harshness towards you is out of balance.

Your grades are what they are, it's important to understand for yourself that you are not stupid, I read the words of a survivor, grounded and honest in emotion, so, remain that cool girl which you are!

Counselors are crap! They lack on every level because they live miserable lives, they are nothing more than mind perverts. Deal with it yourself, for you to create understanding in your dad's mind and heart is that approach to invest in.

Write a letter to God, leave it hanging around for a while, if things don't change for the better, come back to express yourself.

Trust in yourself,

[John T]

I am so sorry that you are going through what you're going through at this moment! I know exactly how it is to be beat with a leather belt and be backhanded, that's how I was "raised" during the early part of my childhood. From what you described, this is abuse! Both physical and emotional. I feel it's imperative you get help for this ASAP. If a counselor or therapist is unavailable and / or doesn't work, you need to get the law involved. No matter how hard it is.

And please, do not commit suicide! We have had so many losses lately of youths with so much future ahead of them. If you're having any type of suicidal thoughts, or even considering actually committing suicide, please call a suicide hotline. I've listed the national number for America below:

U.S.A. 1-800-273-8255

[flyingbutterfly]

Wow, such a lot for a 14 year old to carry. You indeed need to talk to your counselor, your family needs a lot of healing to be able to move on in a healthy way. There are so many things going on here, it's hard to even begin, your father needs help with grief, being a single parent, holding resentment, discpline etc. You are assuming a caretaker role, but than you are met with corporal punishment, the roles for you in your current family are so confused and sway back and forth no wonder you are searching for help. Go to your counselor.

[hervens]

Originally Posted by ButterflyWoman

(Emphasis mine.) This is abuse. Plain and simple, it's abuse. You do need to speak to a counsellor, and right away. Do not hold back because of what you think might happen or not happen, because you don't actually know how things might go, but you need to be safe, and you deserved to be protected. What he did is not okay, is never okay, not in a million years is this acceptable. Please, talk to a counsellor.

I think you're overreacting. Unless she gets beaten until she bruises, I really would not call that abuse at all. I'm sure her dad really loves her. It might be a little harsh, but it's just his way of disciplining her child.

If he really didn't want to protect her, he would just say: "Ok, go get drunk and have sex with whoever you want even though you're only 14 and leave me alone, I dont care." <-- Now that would be abuse.

Just my 2 cents

[ZephyrusX]

Originally Posted by Syd

when he found out what my grades were he spanked me 3 times with the hand 2 with the belt and 1 backhand.

if i told cps or my councler that he spanked me and left bruises then my brother would be taken away too and my dad and brother are close.

Originally Posted by hervens

I think you're overreacting. Unless she gets beaten until she bruises, I really would not call that abuse at all. I'm sure her dad really loves her. It might be a little harsh, but it's just his way of disciplining her child.

Besides the fact that it is immoral to backhand a person let alone your own daughter, there are more sophisticated ways of guiding your child in life besides beating them. I get that parents do not always have the resources to talk to their children without judgment. I get that they do not want to respect their childs right to make decisions and to make mistakes because they are afraid. But if they fail to give their child the love and respect that they need to develop as healthy adults, that is the parents responsibility, and pass a certain point (i.e abuse), the child should be under no obligation to respect the parent and really ought to live else where if it is possible. Love does not some how condone abuse.

[Curious cat]

Originally Posted by syd

i dont know what to do but my relationship with my dad is gone and as much as i want one iwth him he constantly compares me to my mom and always says im the reason why its gone when its his fault too.

Hi syd. I am so sorry that you feel lke you don't have anyone to turn to with your problems.

From your first post, it sounds as though your dad has tried reaching out to you, but is unsuccessful in re-establishing a connection with you. Is this what you were referring to in the above quote, or do you mean to say that he blames you for the divorce?

There's no denying that your dad screwed up when he man-handled you like that. He was overwhelmed and lost control and took it out on you. This is wrong. I suspect he knows this deep down, but is probably too proud to ever admit it. And the really messed up part is, i believe he acted this way because he loves and cares about you. He just handled it really poorly.

Can you please clarify another thing for me? You said that you used to sleep on your dad's couch, but since the spanking, you moved back next door back to your room. Are you currently living at your grandparents'? If you are then this would be a better living arrangement for you, as some distance between you and your dad would help diffuse the tension.

I can relate about not wanting to report your father. I've been there myself as a teenager. I have been belted, backhanded and slapped in the face (i found this to be the worst as it is so disrespectful when it's your face), called horrible names. Despite that, i wanted to maintain my loyalty to my family and never reported him. So i can totally relate to your hesitation about getting cps involved. i moved out at 19 and never looked back.

Those teenage years at home felt like hell, but the thing is, in hindsight i can say that living at home would have probably been better than moving around between foster homes living with strangers and possibly having to change schools and disrupt my high school education. Constantly being in unfamiliar surroundings would have presented their own challenges i am sure.

If you want to live elsewhere, you need to make an informed decision, and to do that you need more information. I suggest seeking out a school counselor and get as much information as you can about accomodations that may be available to you (shelters, foster homes, custody with your mum? Etc). Or alternatively, seek out a trusted relative and ask them to act as mediator for you, and speak with your father on your behalf as sometimes a third party helps keep the situation civil and communication productive.

Like you, when times were really tough at home, the thought did cross my mind about ending it all. Though thankfully i never completely felt helpless about the situation long enough to do anything irrational. And now at 32, i can truthfully tell you that life is awesome. Life can and will get better, it won't always be bad, i hope you can believe this.

If at the very least you need to vent or just need support and encouragement, please reach out to someone, anyone, even if it's online. You don't have to feel alone.

I wish you the best, please keep us updated.