Not comfortable being loved

[Traikan]

Last night I had a pretty big epiphany. I cried for about 10 minutes, the first time I've done so after uncovering a buried belief.

I don't think I'm worth being loved romantically.

I'm comfortable with giving romantic love, just not receiving it. I suspect this is why the first girl I fell in love with is asexual and aromantic. While my feelings for are undoubtedly romantic, her love for me is strictly platonic, which I'm okay with. She doesn't push me out of my comfort zone.

I have absolutely no problem standing up and shouting at the universe "I want to be loved platonically! Gimme gimme gimme!" I'd fight the gods themselves to achieve my goals, I'm comfortable demanding respect, trust, success, power, wealth, joy, excitement... really anything under the sun including that I have someone to love, but I am simply not comfortable asking to be loved in return. I believe that anyone who decided (consciously or unconsciously) to love me would be settling for less.

Part of this is physical, I'm not exactly "hot" in the traditional sense of the word and it feels wrong to want a "hot" girl to love me. I'm also convinced that there are likely people out there who are just like me but more attractive (and perhaps a little less flawed), and I should be helping the people who might be interested in me find those better versions.

It's not a simple matter of low self-esteem, it's a very narrow band that's completely dark on an otherwise rather vibrant spectrum.

When I see someone who needs a friend, I immediately think "I could be their friend!" When I see someone looking for a collaborator for a cool project, my first thought is "I could be that collaborator!" But when I see someone looking for someone to love, I think "I can help them find someone to love!" I never consider that someone might be me. The reason I immediately think of myself in the first two examples is because I know I'm an awesome friend and a reliable, fun collaborator. I'm comfortable loving others because I know I'm a very passionately loving guy.

There are some underlying trust issues here too, since I don't trust others to make the right decisions when it comes to love. Part of that's the circles I travel in, though, from seeing people get in bad or simply unfulfilling relationships and get their hearts broken.

In short, I don't see a reason for someone to love me romantically, and as a result my desire to be loved feels selfish and pointless.

[nothuman]

Actually pal ...I think you are way too hard on yourself....with your level of self honesty and sincerity it's only a matter of time....

[neilpage]

You are HOT in someones's eyes....Relax and enjoy/recieve the sensation of being loved. dude...You'er worth it!

[OptimistPrime]

Wow, I totally identify with that whole "feeling worthy of being someone's friend but unworthy of being their lover" thing. Recognizing that I actually held that belief was very important for me. Now I'm in the process of changing it, primarily by getting comfortable with a) flirting with people, b) complimenting people I'm attracted to about their qualities that I find attractive, and c) opening up to the people I'm attracted to about my attraction. All of these were things that I habitually shunned doing in the past despite wanting to, at least in part because I believed that my romantic attention was unwelcome because I was fundamentally unworthy of being anyone's potential love interest. So they seemed like a good place to start.

[brendannz]

Don't worry, every human experiences self doubt to some extent, even the ones who don't seem to.

[ZephyrusX]

I don't have any advise really. Just wanted to say that I get you. You can have all the self-confidence and feelings of worth in all other aspects of your life, but then, you can just get totally boggled by another aspect of your life. I don't feel comfortable being loved either. If a woman flirts me with and I sense it is serious, I instantly get the 'OMG!' deer lost in the headlights look. And then hide.

I hope you find the answers that you are looking for.

[Traikan]

Originally Posted by OptimistPrime

Wow, I totally identify with that whole "feeling worthy of being someone's friend but unworthy of being their lover" thing. Recognizing that I actually held that belief was very important for me. Now I'm in the process of changing it, primarily by getting comfortable with a) flirting with people, b) complimenting people I'm attracted to about their qualities that I find attractive, and c) opening up to the people I'm attracted to about my attraction. All of these were things that I habitually shunned doing in the past despite wanting to, at least in part because I believed that my romantic attention was unwelcome because I was fundamentally unworthy of being anyone's potential love interest. So they seemed like a good place to start.

Glad to see someone else has experience with a similar situation.

It's a little weird for me to deal with because I don't have any problem expressing love, and I'm quite a flirty guy. I actually flirt more with guys than girls because it's easier for me to turn them down if they think I'm being serious. However, I only flirt with people who give me the impression they like flirting and I do so because they seem to enjoy it. I wouldn't say I'm desperate to love other people, but I really enjoy handing out affection and praise. So it's not that I think my romantic attention is unwelcome, in fact I think it's awesome. I'm pretty good at making girls blush with my flattery.

I just don't want them to waste any of their romantic attention on me. I don't have a problem asking girls out but I think I do it because I believe they enjoy being asked out rather than any actual desire to have them date me.

But I must want to be loved or I wouldn't be wrestling with this, I'd have just accepted it. I'm not really sure where to go from here, though. For now, more reading, more meditating, and more talking about it.

Thanks for the warm words, everyone. They do help.