How To Meet People Who Are Into Polyamory

[Andrew Gubb]

I'm starting to think about branching out again after my recent breakup. Right now it's 100% priority that any girl I get into has to be into polyamory / open relationships.

For those who have some experience in these things, how do you meet people who are into this stuff in your area?

I've tried OKCupid which was quite a good recommendation from Steve, found a poly group for this area on Facebook, and have just tried putting up an ad on the local Craigslist-style personal ad site.

Any other ideas?

[OptimistPrime]

Wearing a t-shirt with some sort of slogan that hints at your polyamory?

[Andrew Gubb]

I thought of that just now in the Metro! I think I will!

[elucidate]

After the last discussion about polyamory vs monogamy, I went to a party and met a polyamorous couple, and even had a nice cuddle with the guy who was a friend of my friend whose birthday it was. They've just had a baby though, so I think it's best that he spends time with her for now.

Do you go to birthday events Andrew? I've met poly people twice at parties.

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by elucidate

After the last discussion about polyamory vs monogamy, I went to a party and met a polyamorous couple, and even had a nice cuddle with the guy who was a friend of my friend whose birthday it was. They've just had a baby though, so I think it's best that he spends time with her for now.

Do you go to birthday events Andrew? I've met poly people twice at parties.

Interesting. I sometimes go to parties, they can be fun. (Haven't been to a birthday party for ages, but parties, yes). I wonder if there are so many poly couples in Barcelona as compared to where you live, though. Barcelona is the most cosmopolitan city in Spain, but Spain in general is still hopelessly traditional in many ways.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Andrew Gubb

Interesting. I sometimes go to parties, they can be fun. (Haven't been to a birthday party for ages, but parties, yes). I wonder if there are so many poly couples in Barcelona as compared to where you live, though. Barcelona is the most cosmopolitan city in Spain, but Spain in general is still hopelessly traditional in many ways.

Well, Melbourne is pretty different. Everyone is screwing everyone around here...except me of course...I'm a good girl

Also, you have to watch out for when you find yourself in a spa at a strange persons "orphan's xmas party". Strange people inhabit spa baths.

[Andrew Gubb]

I just found out there are monthly meetups in Madrid. Unexpected for Madrid to beat Barcelona like this!

I'm excited. I'm definitely going to go, especially if there's an event which fits my timetable. Thursday is the absolute worst day for me unfortunately. I gotta get them to choose a different day sometime.

[Andrew Gubb]

I'm loving this article on practical advice for polyamory noobs: Nonmonogamy for Men: The Big Picture freaksexual

[Andrew Gubb]

I've been having so much fun with this recently.

I've gone to a great poly meetup, met people online, had a date, and kissed a couple of girls. I love this feeling of freedom and connection. Particularly connection. Somehow having more (romantic or otherwise) connections in my life gives me this great feeling of strength and comfort which felt stunted in a monogamous relationship. Besides feeling stunted, it was constantly under threat - I needed my partner to stay with me because she was my almost sole source of this feeling or sense of support. Now I don't "need" anyone to do anything for me, I've removed the power over me of monopoly. And that feels great.

It's been a lot easier than I expected it to be. I'm taking things one step at a time but at the speed things are moving I can see a blossoming love and/or sex life happening within one or two months. Part of it is because mono relationships need to be perfectly compatible, because you're sharing everything with them. A poly relationship can be less involved if you want it to be without needing to be cold or disconnected. In these cases, there is much less need to filter for a perfect match. So long as you share enough to like and love each other, it doesn't matter if one is a meat eater and the other is a vegan who can't stand meat in their house, or whatever compatibility issues you may have.

Another reason poly feels easier is because there is just less "stuff" to work around. Less ideas, less definitions - sexuality, and romance, are just something simple and wonderful, to be shared. Poly girls seem refreshingly "easy" (in a good way)... easy to connect with, easy to love.

Finally poly is easy because there is no expectation for it to be forever, or for you to fill a role of full-time boyfriend, or for you to love them more than anybody. So a lot of relationships that would be incompatible can be compatible in this framework. Particularly, smaller-scale relationships can work in poly where in a mono framework someone's feelings would likely to get hurt. In poly, there are less ways to set yourself up to get hurt. No rigid expectations means no broken expectations.

[Andrew Gubb]

I've been watching this series today called "Family". It's about a poly triad (triple relationship) who live together. It's really funny and really good - probably eye opening for people who want to learn more about the philsophy. Episode #1 - YouTube

Enjoy!

[Andrew Gubb]

If anyone has any questions, feel free to ask.

[Rezzy7]

Into polyamory? Hell, I settle for someone who's into me!

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by Rezzy7

Into polyamory? Hell, I settle for someone who's into me!

Don't be so hard on yourself, I'm sure there are millions of them potentially Look for someone you're into, for more than just the fact that they are willing , and the chances are high they'll be into you.

[Andrew Gubb]

I have been dealing with the emotion of desperation recently.

It's known of in the PUA community and is considered the antithesis of Getting Some. I don't believe in PUA, but they were right in this, if not in their attempts at a solution.

Desperation was also explained in this article: Nonmonogamy for Men: The Big Picture freaksexual Which I mentioned above and which I really liked.

I've come to realise that desperation comes from not respecting women. That is, not respecting their boundaries or their need to have agency in the decision of whether to engage in sexual or romantic interactions.

It's a sort of entitlement coming from frustration, panic, with the idea that women just won't give you what you need. This in turn is social conditioning: one of the most hideous social conditioning patterns that exist. In its extreme form, it results in marriage, prostitution and rape.

There's a twist of dark humour in comparing marriage to rape, and I know I'm going to piss someone off with this, but I actually do think that all of these things come from different levels or gradiations of the same emotion or social conditioning pattern.

So I worked out that I could totally eliminate the sense of desperation I'd had doing two things.

First was to not take the emotion seriously, and try to "float above" it. I'm liking this technique for negative emotions in general and have applied it since then to issues with money. You realise that the emotion doesn't have any real reality of its own, and just allow it to take care of itself or burn itself out naturally.

Secondly was as I said: cultivating a deep sense of respect for the woman.

It wasn't hard for me because it would be what comes naturally to me; the only thing is I got too into PUA and filled my head with ideas that we shouldn't respect women. I was basically going down the wrong path, not because of my own hurt or malice, but because I had been taught to do so and hadn't come round to challenging this false teaching.

OK, I'll rectify that: I had had desperation in me, which was what first gave me curiosity for PUA, but PUA took that and expanded it way out of proportion with its teachings.

I did forswear PUA a long time ago, but every so often I do still encounter a pattern which I still need to clear. I think this pattern lasted so long because I never knew what to replace it with.

So instead of feeling desperate to get something out of the woman you like, you remain honest to the positive and real side of that desire, while being very clear on the need for your interest's permission for something to happen. Of course you usually have to take initiative at some point, but at most you only have to test the boundaries to see if they let you in - most definitely not try to push through the boundaries.

Cultivating an absolute sense of respect and boundaries and the need for mutuality in the interaction - this destroys the emotion of desperation permanently. Try it.

[juridisch]

Originally Posted by Andrew Gubb

the only thing is I got too into PUA and filled my head with ideas that we shouldn't respect women. I was basically going down the wrong path, not because of my own hurt or malice, but because I had been taught to do so and hadn't come round to challenging this false teaching.

What you say might apply to some pua stuff, but certainly not all of it is disrepectfull towards women.
I'm reading your messages about polyamory with interest.

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by juridisch

What you say might apply to some pua stuff, but certainly not all of it is disrepectfull towards women.
I'm reading your messages about polyamory with interest.

I have a quite radical view on PUA, which could be hard for some to swallow.

I think PUA wouldn't exist without some sort of fundamental error. The very name contains that error. Women don't need to be "picked up", they don't need to be convinced to do anything, there doesn't need to be any technique involved in getting to be with them. Any efforts to improve your chances in the dating arena have to be entirely self-oriented and not oriented on what you can get others to do. This last thing is a very radical precept that is easy to agree with and hard to really, really get.

That said I think some PUAs start to get it to lesser or greater extents. When they really, really get it, I think they stop calling themselves PUAs, partly because the name contains the fundamental error, and partly because they don't want to be associated with the errors of the field as a whole.

That said it's a long process and I think you have to be a hard-ass son-of-a-b*tch like me [joke arrogance] to manage that whole process in a single lifetime.

Hope this makes some sense.

[Andrew Gubb]

I've been thinking about feminism recently.

I know I used to disagree in one way or another with feminism. While I'd agree with some of the basic precepts, I'd reject feminism as too negative, or too whatever. This all originated in my PUA days.

It seemed a good idea at the time: some PUAs labelled feminism as the main thing which kept people from having success with women, as it reduced men's masculinity, and it was easy and comfortable to get mad at a conspiracy theory rather than working on myself. Later I rejected a lot of the more dumb ideas but held onto the resistance to feminism as a whole.

Now, I'm coming to realise, I mean really realise and not resist the idea, that yes, women were and are oppressed, and yes, something like feminism is a logical answer to that.

The denial of the idea that women were ever oppressed feels creepily similar to holocaust denial and I'm ashamed I was ever involved in it. Just goes to show how easy it is to believe something just because someone says it in an authoritative voice.

I feel tentatively happy about identifying - to some extent - as a feminist, now. In the same way as I'd identify as a vegan, just to make a statement about what I believe in and what sort of lifestyle I intend to lead.

While I think identifying with stuff too much has its drawbacks, I think there could be a healthy level of it. Also I feel like I "identified" with the anti-feminism belief before. Whether or not it's good to have identifications like this, at the very least I'm identifying with something less twisted. It feels good to me, a good gut feeling.

The limitations I want to put on identifying as a feminist lie at about the same place where I want to limit my identity as a vegan. That is where I get angry or resistent at the world or try to force it to change. The only way to heal the world is to stay open and loving towards the world, loving and giving unconditionally. If I fight a war, I will create a continuation of war.

I found it disturbing to look into myself and identify this sexist energy, this sense of lack of respect towards women. I find it disturbing to see it so commonly in other people. Just casual comments from friends or whatever. For now, feminism is my tonic for that.

Anyone have any good resources for feminist thought?

[freddy]

Originally Posted by Andrew Gubb

I have been dealing with the emotion of desperation recently.

It's known of in the PUA community and is considered the antithesis of Getting Some. I don't believe in PUA, but they were right in this, if not in their attempts at a solution.

Desperation was also explained in this article: Nonmonogamy for Men: The Big Picture freaksexual Which I mentioned above and which I really liked.

I've come to realise that desperation comes from not respecting women. That is, not respecting their boundaries or their need to have agency in the decision of whether to engage in sexual or romantic interactions.

It's a sort of entitlement coming from frustration, panic, with the idea that women just won't give you what you need. This in turn is social conditioning: one of the most hideous social conditioning patterns that exist. In its extreme form, it results in marriage, prostitution and rape.

There's a twist of dark humour in comparing marriage to rape, and I know I'm going to piss someone off with this, but I actually do think that all of these things come from different levels or gradiations of the same emotion or social conditioning pattern.

So I worked out that I could totally eliminate the sense of desperation I'd had doing two things.

First was to not take the emotion seriously, and try to "float above" it. I'm liking this technique for negative emotions in general and have applied it since then to issues with money. You realise that the emotion doesn't have any real reality of its own, and just allow it to take care of itself or burn itself out naturally.

Secondly was as I said: cultivating a deep sense of respect for the woman.

It wasn't hard for me because it would be what comes naturally to me; the only thing is I got too into PUA and filled my head with ideas that we shouldn't respect women. I was basically going down the wrong path, not because of my own hurt or malice, but because I had been taught to do so and hadn't come round to challenging this false teaching.

OK, I'll rectify that: I had had desperation in me, which was what first gave me curiosity for PUA, but PUA took that and expanded it way out of proportion with its teachings.

I did forswear PUA a long time ago, but every so often I do still encounter a pattern which I still need to clear. I think this pattern lasted so long because I never knew what to replace it with.

So instead of feeling desperate to get something out of the woman you like, you remain honest to the positive and real side of that desire, while being very clear on the need for your interest's permission for something to happen. Of course you usually have to take initiative at some point, but at most you only have to test the boundaries to see if they let you in - most definitely not try to push through the boundaries.

Cultivating an absolute sense of respect and boundaries and the need for mutuality in the interaction - this destroys the emotion of desperation permanently. Try it.

Great link, thanks

[bodi]

does this mean you're a .......... bootyist?

[desertrat]

I saw a post on hear Hip Forums - 500+ Free Speech Forums the other day , some one wanted to put togher a 3 some or some thing . desert rat