Help Me Love My Kids

[Michelle B]

Hi. I'm new here.

I found my way here out of desperation. I feel like I am failing daily. Failing to be the wife and mother I know I can be. Failing to eat life-giving foods and get regular exercise. Failling to put God first. Failing to let my spirit heal and shine.

I was raised in a toxic home and although I've made a better life for my children I am still in need of major improvements. I have a toddler and a preschooler. They are both highly emotional, head strong, willful girls. As much as I love them I am not enjoying them. They whine and cry a lot, they fight with each other and they are clingy with me. I'm not good at dealing with stress and frustration. Some days it's a perpetual crisis around here. The noise and negativity are maddening. I find myself yelling and being much more cruel than I ever thought possible. Don't get me wrong, I don't physically abuse them but I am detached, cold and snap at them way too much. I just feel tapped out. I have nothing left to give. I feel I am failing as a mother and ruining my children. I don't know how I got here.

Every day I say I'll do better tomorrow, and sometimes it works for a few hours or days, but mostly I'm a big disppointment.

We live in a small apartment and I feel like I'm constantly telling them to stop being noisy, cleaning up messes and refereeing fights. Most days feel like one struggle after another: we fight about what they wear, what they eat, getting dressed, bath-time, sharing toys, getting out the door (I also work part-time and go to school part-time)... it's so challenging.

I want to love my kids. Not in the feeling way, but in the action way. I want to show them that mommy can be patient and gentle and fun. I want to shift the energy of this house from negative to positive, from struggle to joy, from chaos to order.

I feel like I'm missing out on what could be the best, most-rewarding years of my family's life. These days are so precious and I'm wishing them away. I'm just exhausted. I'm fed up with their behaviours and my inability to cope. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired!

How do I change? Oh how I wish I had a role model or mother to mother me. Someone who is older and wiser, who knows how to love well. I feel so alone and unguided. I can't seem to make myself be a better mom.

I thought maybe checking in here would be a good start. Please, if you have any advice I'm all ears!

[James81]

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. I have two kids of my own and I'm interning right now to be a teacher, so I've got loads of experience with kids.

The thing about kids is this...you have to have crystal clear, firm, enforceable boundaries, and you have to enforce those boundaries rigidly or else they will walk all over you. If you ever give off a hint that you aren't in charge, it can be tough to bring them back,

but heres the thing...you don't have to yell and be mean to enforce those boundaries. You just have to be assertive and firm, and do not allow for bargaining. I don't even call them boundaries. I call them expectations (and I actually have them written downin my classroom.)

So, what you need to do is get yourself back on top (which is going to be tough at first, but trust me, it's worth it). That means you need to sit down and write out your expectations and then youneed to communicate those expectations to your children. When they buck those expectations, you stop everything on a dime until they comply with those expectations or else you enforce a consequence (write down your consequences as well).

You'll have a battle on your hands at first, but I promise you that your kids will appreciate and come to respect you MORE for having clear boundaries than they would without them.

Good luck, and keep us updated.

[Maguru]

Originally Posted by Michelle B

Hi. I'm new here.

I found my way here out of desperation. I feel like I am failing daily. Failing to be the wife and mother I know I can be. Failing to eat life-giving foods and get regular exercise. Failling to put God first. Failing to let my spirit heal and shine.

I was raised in a toxic home and although I've made a better life for my children I am still in need of major improvements. I have a toddler and a preschooler. They are both highly emotional, head strong, willful girls. As much as I love them I am not enjoying them. They whine and cry a lot, they fight with each other and they are clingy with me. I'm not good at dealing with stress and frustration. Some days it's a perpetual crisis around here. The noise and negativity are maddening. I find myself yelling and being much more cruel than I ever thought possible. Don't get me wrong, I don't physically abuse them but I am detached, cold and snap at them way too much. I just feel tapped out. I have nothing left to give. I feel I am failing as a mother and ruining my children. I don't know how I got here.

Every day I say I'll do better tomorrow, and sometimes it works for a few hours or days, but mostly I'm a big disppointment.

We live in a small apartment and I feel like I'm constantly telling them to stop being noisy, cleaning up messes and refereeing fights. Most days feel like one struggle after another: we fight about what they wear, what they eat, getting dressed, bath-time, sharing toys, getting out the door (I also work part-time and go to school part-time)... it's so challenging.

I want to love my kids. Not in the feeling way, but in the action way. I want to show them that mommy can be patient and gentle and fun. I want to shift the energy of this house from negative to positive, from struggle to joy, from chaos to order.

I feel like I'm missing out on what could be the best, most-rewarding years of my family's life. These days are so precious and I'm wishing them away. I'm just exhausted. I'm fed up with their behaviours and my inability to cope. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired!

How do I change? Oh how I wish I had a role model or mother to mother me. Someone who is older and wiser, who knows how to love well. I feel so alone and unguided. I can't seem to make myself be a better mom.

I thought maybe checking in here would be a good start. Please, if you have any advice I'm all ears!

You are in a tough position and without a role model, it's really difficult to know what is best. I've raised four kids and my saving grace was in connecting to them at their level. They can't come up to ours. Have you memories of being a child that you could use as a guide for how they are feeling and thinking? with love to you

[auburn]

Hello Michelle,

What struck me is when you mention being part-time student, part-time worker and living in a small apartment. This situation is hard enough by itself without having two high-strung preschoolers! Also, you don't mention it but you seem to be raising your daughters alone as well. You must be tired often and stuggling in the middle of all your activities. That's a lot, even for one strong woman.

I would suggest to not be too hard on yourself, given that you may not be able to help yourself until you are out of school and able to move in a better apartment. Living in a small apartment with two pre-schoolers is no picnic. I wonder if you could apply to some low-rent community apartments. Sometimes these places, beside not costing as much as regular apartments, offer shared community/shared services for women with children. That's if you have those apartments where you are.

If your life is stressful and you're often stressed, it's guaranteed your kids will be out of control. It's not necessarily an issue with your parenting skills. It might be but then, it might not. Because it's not a regular life you are leading right now. It's a stressful life. Is there any way you can streamline your activities? Maybe finish school by going full-time with a student loan in order to be done earlier? It might not be possible right now and if it's not, you would need some help with the kids.

I'd suggest you get some help either taking care of your daughters sometimes (maybe someone could pick them up from the daycare/pre-school once or twice a week, for example) or getting respite at least once a week. Is there some service you could get from your school? Or a community woman center might help (do enquire). It could be from your family or a friend. You seem at your wits end so, getting enough patience to parent your kids might be difficult right now.

It's hard right now but remember that you will eventually finish school and also, your daughters will grow up. In the meantime, you need some respite because you are holding the planet on top of your head with the life you are leading.

[Michelle B]

Hi James, thanks so much for the feedback and advice. I agree, this is imperative if I am going to move forward. I plan to sit down later today and write out a list of expectations and consequences. I'll share them here on this thread!

Maguru, I think I do know what is best because I am very perceptive but the challenge is that my first reaction is one of anger and frustration. I believe, on some levels, I am doing what was modeled to me by my own mother. I am intelligent enough to know what is good parenting but emotionally immature when it comes to practicing these skills. I feel I was wired with a short fuse, perhaps by genes or perhaps due to the environment in which I was raised. Nonetheless, I think I can change if I work hard and have the proper direction. I just wish I had a healthy woman in my life who I could lean on, someone to support and encourage me.

Auburn, I'm sorry if I wasn't clear but I am married and my husband does help out with the child care. Unfortunately his fuse is shorter than mine so although he helps with the physical stuff (he's great to cook and clean and help out with the kids) he adds to my stress by being impatient and inflexible with the kids which makes them act out even more. He doesn't share my interest in personal development or spiritual growth. If I bring something up about his parenting, no matter how gingerly I approach the subject, he is offended and angry. I suppose it is rich -kind of like the pot calling the kettle black. His expectations for the kids are even higher than mine -unrealistic really. I don't mean to paint him in such a bad light, he has many good qualities, but parenting isn't one of his strengths.

As for the school/apartment issue I appreciate your concern but there isn't much that can be done right now. We don't qualify for low-income housing and can't afford a larger home. I am an licensed practical nurse and I'm taking evening classes to extend my skills. This has meant part-time studies for a year which, apart from a short course in March, ends in December. I am on the home stretch for school which will be a big relief when it is finished.

X

[Michelle B]

I've been working on the expectations and consquences list and I'm beginning to realize I really need a whole new perspective about this issue. I read something on one of Steve Pavlina's blogs that really stood out today. He said: “If you experience chronic difficulties in a particular area of your life, there’s a strong chance that the root of the problem is a failure to accept reality as it is.”

How true. I'm failing to see my older daughter (the 3 year old) as she really is. I want her to be a calm child but she is hot-headed and I am only adding fuel to the fire with my reactions to her explosions. Punishment won't really address the issue. I have tried! It helps but it isn't teaching her the problem-solving/self-control skills she is desperately lacking. (Like mother like daughter?)

I decided to start with two big issues in our home. My 3 year old's behaviour toward her little sister and her refusal to do anything for daddy when mommy is around. (She's quite good with him when I am out, but if I'm home she tests every boundary and won't let him so much as help her put on a shoe without screaming, "No, you can't! Mommy has to do it!"

So this is what I came up with, and Paul agreed to. We have printed it and put it on our fridge. We'll start here and build on this if these interventions are effective.

1. We will teach MJ to deal with her sister’s interference without screaming, hitting or pushing her, by immediately getting down to her level, calmly and gently talking her down, and helping her learn a new way to deal with the situation. We will acknowledge her feelings and help her problem solve. If she has already hurt her sister she will need to have a time-out after the situation is resolved.
   
2. When MJ throws a fit about daddy doing something instead of mommy Paul will calmly say, “No daddy is going to help this time. I want to help you MJ. You show me what you can do by yourself and I’ll help with the rest.” If she continues to shout or scream Paul will calmly get down to her level and ask her to speak properly using good manners. Ask her if she needs a hug. If she still hasn’t calmed down and continues to be resistant then use 1-2-3 Magic. The consequence is a time out. She will then need to go with daddy to do what needs to be done.

Any suggestions/feedback?

[James81]

Originally Posted by Michelle B

1. We will teach MJ to deal with her sister’s interference without screaming, hitting or pushing her, by immediately getting down to her level, calmly and gently talking her down, and helping her learn a new way to deal with the situation. We will acknowledge her feelings and help her problem solve. If she has already hurt her sister she will need to have a time-out after the situation is resolved.
   
2. When MJ throws a fit about daddy doing something instead of mommy Paul will calmly say, “No daddy is going to help this time. I want to help you MJ. You show me what you can do by yourself and I’ll help with the rest.” If she continues to shout or scream Paul will calmly get down to her level and ask her to speak properly using good manners. Ask her if she needs a hug. If she still hasn’t calmed down and continues to be resistant then use 1-2-3 Magic. The consequence is a time out. She will then need to go with daddy to do what needs to be done.

Any suggestions/feedback?

I think you're bargaining with this stuff and that it sounds (by the way you have it written here anyway) like you're leaving a lot of room for her to wriggle and bargaining. I think (if the behavior is as bad as it sounds) that you have going to have to be WAY tougher (firmer) than this, especially in the beginning. (And that's the thing...in the beginning you're going to have to come out extremely firm so that you can snap things back to where you need them. Later you can relax a little.)

But right now, I think your daughter needs to know that when you say something, you expect her to do it. Not on the 2nd time, not after talking her down, not after a hug...you say it, the expectation is that she does it. If she doesn't do it, then you insert a consequence.

And that'll be a LOT of work in the beginning enforcing the consequences part. And doing some IMMEDIATELY. The big thing is that you can't relent on this until you get the expected behavior. When she listens to what you have to say (and she meets your expectation), THEN you can reward her with a hug.

(And I realize that this is some dog whisperer, old school kinda ♥♥♥♥, but I can tell you that it works. And that you really only have to be super mega tough in the beginning...after a while the expectations are there and rarely will she test a boundary.

[SkylightMT]

Originally Posted by Michelle B

1. We will teach MJ to deal with her sister’s interference without screaming, hitting or pushing her, by immediately getting down to her level, calmly and gently talking her down, and helping her learn a new way to deal with the situation. We will acknowledge her feelings and help her problem solve. If she has already hurt her sister she will need to have a time-out after the situation is resolved.
   
2. When MJ throws a fit about daddy doing something instead of mommy Paul will calmly say, “No daddy is going to help this time. I want to help you MJ. You show me what you can do by yourself and I’ll help with the rest.” If she continues to shout or scream Paul will calmly get down to her level and ask her to speak properly using good manners. Ask her if she needs a hug. If she still hasn’t calmed down and continues to be resistant then use 1-2-3 Magic. The consequence is a time out. She will then need to go with daddy to do what needs to be done.

Any suggestions/feedback?

These sound very good. You've put a lot of thought into figuring out exactly what the problems are, and why they are occuring, and coming up with solutions that are kind to everyone.

I will be honest, though - I hate 1-2-3 magic. The timeouts are very difficult to enforce, especially in an apartment, where I presume you cannot allow loud screaming or kicking the walls to go on for long. Timeouts may work for her, or they may escalate her, and you'll end up with one hand on the doorknob while she kicks and screams at the door.

The oldschool hardnose approach does work. You get obedient children who are behaving "correctly" because they fear punishment. You tend to see the side effects of this style of punishment beginning in adolescence, though, and throughout the teenage years, and end up with adults that are less than functional, who have issues with standing up for themselves, having healthy relationships with others, completing college successfully, and having healthy work ethics. They tend to have depression and anxiety OR acting-out behaviors.

You might check out the Gentle Discipline section on Mothering.com (Forums). I've found it to be an amazing resource in raising my own child. If you post there, you will probably get a variety of responses and you can choose what works best for your family.

One thing our culture does in raising children is look for consequences to administer AFTER the behavior occurs. We forget that there is a whole other aspect to discipline, and that is what happens BEFORE the behavior occurs. Setting the child up to be as successful as possible by arranging the environment and changing your approach ahead of time is far preferable to waiting until the behavior occurs then administering a consequence afterwards. I understand you will have great difficulty convincing your husband of this, though.

Ask yourself, "What do I want my child to do?"

Then ask yourself, "What do I want my child's reasons for doing it to be?"

When you identify what you want your child's reasons to be for treating others nicely, for allowing Daddy to help, for resolving conflicts peacefully... then you have a better idea of what approach to use to help her do those things.

Having two preschool-age children is very, very challenging. Some of this will resolve with time all by itself. They say getting through this age period is mainly a matter of survival. Its okay to let the house go a bit, its okay that dinners are often take-out, its okay that there's a bit too much TV - just get through it, doing the best you can.

In regards to wanting Mommy to do it, not Daddy, THIS IS NOT YOUR CHILD'S PROBLEM and IT DOESN'T NEED TO BE FIXED BY HER! She prefers Mommy; Daddy had better get to work on his relationship with her. Her reasons for allowing Daddy to help her can be: "If I don't, I'll get in trouble" or they can be: "I love my Daddy, I love having his attention." You can't get to the second reason through time-outs or punishment or force. He needs to get down on the floor and play with her at her level, accept her as she is, love her, let his love for her show through unconditionally, go for walks with her, enjoy her, make her laugh, be with her. He's got a relationship problem with his daughter and its not her problem to fix, its his.

[votoshka]

When my kids were little, I remember each night vowing that the next day I would go an ENTIRE day without losing my temper or yelling at my kids. I don't think it ever happened! I love my kids dearly, but even now I never go a day without some frustration or anger at them.

It is a bit easier now they're older (and thus I'm not looking after them 24/7 which is so much harder), and when they're more independent I also think it becomes a bit easier as you can mostly give them a task to do, and you don't need to hang over them while they do it.

I think it's a good idea to find a "fun" activity you can do with your kids every day. Whether it be a walk in the park or visit to the playground, or playing a game at home, or something else. Just one thing where there will be no stress and no expectations of any particular behaviour or whatever.

Also, make sure you cuddle your kids, even when you are feeling frustrated! Tell them that you love them and try to take some time each day to really show it. Don't stress too much over the other stuff... it will pass in time. Not all of us mothers were given the patience of saints!

[Michelle B]

Thank you all so much for all the feedback.

I appreciate what you're saying James and we will probably employ a much more black-or-white approach for less complex issues. For these two issues it simply has not been working. We've done automatic time-outs when she hits her sister and although we've had some success using this technique with other behaviours it's not working here. I'm almost embarrassed to say we tried spanking her for a while and that didn't work either. I felt awful and she still didn't learn to control herself. (And the whole idea of hitting a child as punishment her for hitting someone is just plain stupid if you think about it.) But one way in which I have failed her is by not being swift and consistent. I know it's going to be a lot of work in the beginning. Some days I need to intervene every other minute. It wears me down.

So far, we've used 1-2-3 magic with some success and she hasn't tore her room apart. She cries for a minute but we tell her that her time-out doesn't start until she stops crying and shouting so she usually calms down within a minute. She'll still be cranky but won't act out so much.

Thanks for the link and feedback Skylight. I agree this is my husband's issue to work out with her and I'm trying to gently show him that. I get what you are saying about setting her up for success. We are fighting about the same issues 90% of the time so I definitely need to address the environment, routine, etc. I want her to feel safe and loved with me, and to respect me out of love not fear. I want her to look up to me.

Votoshka, thanks for helping me feel a little more human. Sometimes, just hearing "I understand" or "I've been there" can be so comforting. Thanks for the tip about being sure to make time for fun and cuddles! Definitely so important for me to remember!

[Moriarty]

Hi Michelle
Im not the one to give you advice but Ive seen enough of SuperNanny on tv to know she is brilliant. I took the liberty of finding her site. Im sure from here you can find lots of child-rearing advice from her. Good luck.

Parenting Advice - Parenting Skills

[Michelle B]

Thanks for the link Moriarty. I`ve seen this show a few times and really like her! I`ll be checking out the site!

[James81]

Michele,

that's just it. I'm advocating consistency. The reason nothing is working (not even spanking) is because of the inconsistency. A child needs consistency so that her boundaries are clear.

Btw, I'm not advocating so much a strict discipline approach as I am advocating being assertive and cresting clear, consistent expectations.

[Michelle B]

I'm quickly discovering that parenting is a major path to personal development for those who are up to the challenge. Discipline, consistency and self-control have not been my strengths. Now, I am being pushed into improving these personality flaws through my kids.

[Maguru]

Originally Posted by Michelle B

I'm quickly discovering that parenting is a major path to personal development for those who are up to the challenge. Discipline, consistency and self-control have not been my strengths. Now, I am being pushed into improving these personality flaws through my kids.

Well done. They are your mirror, bless um.