Need Advice: Coping with Fiancee's Mentally Ill Daughter

[Calyx]

I really need advice on how to approach this problem:

I met the love of my life and we are engaged to be married. He has a mentally ill (psychotic depressive) 25-year old daughter who dislikes me intensely. She is being treated for her ailment and has been living on her own for years but her psychosis is steadily getting worse. Earlier this year she decided on her own to have a baby. She kept this information from her father until she was about 6 months along. She is now due in 2 weeks and has refused to consider putting the child up for adoption. However, given her worsening mental state, her doctors agree that she is not capable of taking care of a child on her own. The father of the child is also mentally disabled and cannot take on the responsibilities of a newborn.

The dilemma is this: her father and I had recently bought a house in a different state where his job has moved and are preparing for our life together. His daughter and her baby will have to move in with us and my 10 year old son. We will have to raise the child. We are not a young couple (early 50's). I am now having second thoughts about whether or not to go through with the marriage because I am not prepared to 1) raise a child 2) live with a psychotic depressive 3) expose my son to the drama my soon to be daughter-in-law unfortunately brings with her.

I have tried getting to know her and making friends but she soes not appear open to this. She can be difficult and argues bitterly with her father (a heart patient) at least once or twice a month. I love her father dearly and I don't want to lose him but we don't have many more years on this earth and I am afraid we will not be able to handle raising a young child while having our world turned upside down by the daughter's illness.

I have been tormented with the prospect of how to handle this situation but I am thinking of calling off the wedding to preserve some sense of peace and order in my and my son's life. It's not what I want to do but I also don't want the alternative. Please help! What would you do?

Stressed Beyond Reason

[Kait]

Originally Posted by Calyx

I really need advice on how to approach this problem:

I met the love of my life and we are engaged to be married. He has a mentally ill (psychotic depressive) 25-year old daughter who dislikes me intensely. She is being treated for her ailment and has been living on her own for years but her psychosis is steadily getting worse. Earlier this year she decided on her own to have a baby. She kept this information from her father until she was about 6 months along. She is now due in 2 weeks and has refused to consider putting the child up for adoption. However, given her worsening mental state, her doctors agree that she is not capable of taking care of a child on her own. The father of the child is also mentally disabled and cannot take on the responsibilities of a newborn.

The dilemma is this: her father and I had recently bought a house in a different state where his job has moved and are preparing for our life together. His daughter and her baby will have to move in with us and my 10 year old son. We will have to raise the child. We are not a young couple (early 50's). I am now having second thoughts about whether or not to go through with the marriage because I am not prepared to 1) raise a child 2) live with a psychotic depressive 3) expose my son to the drama my soon to be daughter-in-law unfortunately brings with her.

I have tried getting to know her and making friends but she soes not appear open to this. She can be difficult and argues bitterly with her father (a heart patient) at least once or twice a month. I love her father dearly and I don't want to lose him but we don't have many more years on this earth and I am afraid we will not be able to handle raising a young child while having our world turned upside down by the daughter's illness.

I have been tormented with the prospect of how to handle this situation but I am thinking of calling off the wedding to preserve some sense of peace and order in my and my son's life. It's not what I want to do but I also don't want the alternative. Please help! What would you do?

Stressed Beyond Reason

I think you have already made your choice and I think its important that you think of ur child first...

but if you decide to do it and go through with it....you have to educate youself as much as possible "dealing with mentally ill people" so you don't go crazy yourself. And your new partner would have to be apart of this agreement...So when something comes up you both are on the same side. I would assume if you went through with the marriage you both need a support group that deals with mental ill.

[Calyx]

Kait,

Thank you for your advice. If I were to get the courage to go through with the marriage and embrace the life that awaits me, I will certainly follow your advice and get therapy for the whole family. Also, thank you for pointing out that it appeared that I had already made my choice. I have been so torn and confused by this issue and so emotional that I couldn't tell how I really felt (other than hopeless). It is revealing that my words indicate what my heart does not want to recognize.

Gratefully,

Calyx

[JSB]

That sounds like a terribly difficult situation. I'm sorry.

In my opinion, your primary responsibility is to your own son, and depending on how old he is and his situation, this may be too much to ask of him.

Is this woman even fit to raise a child? Has anyone thought about having the child removed from her?

[votoshka]

Honestly? I wouldn't put my 10 year old child in that situation. I just wouldn't. You say she is psychotic?? Nope, no way I would put a child in a situation where there's a psychotic adult living there .

I also don't know how I'd feel in my early 50s having to raise a new baby. I guess if one of my kids had a child and couldn't care for it, I would have to... but I wouldn't do it by choice.

[Criseyde]

Hi Calyx, that sounds really awful. I'm sorry you're in this situation, all of you.

That said, is it possible that the psychosis is worsening due to the pregnancy? I know that a lot of psychiatric medication isn't safe to take during pregnancy, and hormones throw things out of whack as well; perhaps her doctors will be able to stabilize her again after the birth. Of course she'll need a lot of help and someone to take care of the baby during the first several months, but maybe after that she'll be able to move out again and raise the child herself.

I might be able to deal with living with her myself (not knowing her, I can't tell you), but I wouldn't bring my own child to live with her. Mental illness can be pretty hard on kids.

But I don't think you have to completely write off the relationship with this man either. It might just take a less orthodox approach. (I know people who are married but live in separate houses.) Maybe you could do something like that -- still move together to the new town and maintain your relationship, but have your own places? That also leaves you the option of moving in together sometime later if the daughter is able to get stabilized. I wouldn't recommend doing it if you wouldn't be happy with that arrangement continuing indefinitely, though.

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by Criseyde

But I don't think you have to completely write off the relationship with this man either. It might just take a less orthodox approach. (I know people who are married but live in separate houses.) Maybe you could do something like that -- still move together to the new town and maintain your relationship, but have your own places? That also leaves you the option of moving in together sometime later if the daughter is able to get stabilized. I wouldn't recommend doing it if you wouldn't be happy with that arrangement continuing indefinitely, though.

Yes, I agree with this too. Just because you don't live together, doesn't mean you can't have a loving relationship.

The other idea is just to hold off moving in together until you KNOW 100% what the future holds. Will his daughter definitely move in with him? Will her mental illness stabilise? Will she learn to accept you in her life?

[pollycupcake]

I think you should hold off and wait before getting married. I realise that at your age, you don't feel like you've got all the time in the world left to wait, but given the circumstances with the daughter and the new baby, I feel that waiting a little longer before getting married is in your best interests.

The situation you will be in will bring MAJOR amounts of change and stress (new state, new house, new marriage, two new additions to your home - daughter and baby) not just for yourself, but for your son. As I'm sure you'll be aware, age 10 is a very impressionable, influential time in a child's life, so any changes in his life will need to be carefully managed.

Also, is the daughter working with a therapist, psychiatrist etc? I realise your relationship with her is very strained, but if you could convince her to let you attend some of her therapy sessions (or better yet, if you did some joint therapy sessions so you had a professional helping you both work with each other better), you'd be able to have greater insight about her (which will help you with your decision) and this may also help you foster a better relationship with each other.

Also, you may wish to ponder these questions to help you unfold the situation a little further:
1. How does the father feel about having the daughter and baby move in with you? Does he feel strongly that he wants to do this, or is it a case of "last resort" to prevent his grandchild being in danger? Given the choice, would he prefer adoption?
2. What other options are there in this case? The doctors who told the daughter she is not able to raise the child on her own must've had other patients in similar circumstance. What happens in these cases? What support is available to your daughter other than having you and your partner raise the child?
3. Have you spoken to mental health professionals about dealing with a person in this condition? The more you know about condition, and methods to handle it, the more managable this will be for you.

[Yanna]

What a heartbreaking situation. But, as was said before, you seem to have made up your mind even if this means not marrying the love of your life.
Putting your son in a situation where he'll be living with a new stepdad, psychotic stepsister and a new baby will probably scar him for life. I applaud you for considering this, it shows the beautiful, selfless love you have for your fiance but you can't do this to your son.

Maybe later, when things have become a bit more stable, but now, it just seems like too much all at once.

I don't know enough about it to say for sure, but isn't the whole situation of your fiance's daughter having a baby a rather dangerous one? Postpartum depression is horrible and if she is already psychotic this could spiral out of control and become postpartum psychosis, which will endanger the baby and herself. She needs to be monitored 24/7 after the birth and this is no job for you or her father. She's going to need a lot of professional help, and not just therapy.