Should I stay or leave?

[indecision]

Hi all. I'm new here and need some relationship advice.

To cut a long story short my partner of 14 years cheated on me four years ago and since then we've not had sex. I have no interest in being intimate with him and can not see a way past it, and I have told him such. In every other way our relationship works - we never argue, share similar interests, and have a nice home financial security - I'm just not attracted to him.

Then a few monthd ago I realised I was developing feelings for another person and though I fought hard to supress the attraction, I ended up telling him how I felt. Nothing has happened and though he has admitted he likes me, he has made it clear nothing will happen between us whilst I am with my partner. I do really like this person, though I have no idea if a relationship would work or not. We have a lot in common and I am attracted to him.

I ended up leaving my partner but panicked about money etc and ended up going back a few days later. Since then I have wanted to leave EVERY day but haven't been able to find the courage to do it. My partner knows of my attraction to someone else but has asked nothing about it. He is just being so damn nice about everything and he says he is prepared to anything, including not having sex, to keep me from leaving. But is he really? How do I know he won't/hasn't cheated again?

An added factor to this is that there is quite an age-gap between my partner and I and suddenely I'm now questioning what that will mean in ten years time when he's in his sixties and I'm my forties.

I really don't know what to do and would appreciate some advice. Thank you.

[Clint Cora]

I think you already realize that the relationship is over and the only thing holding you back from cutting loose is money. Another way to ask yourself about your case is ... if you had ways to at least ensure that you would be okay with the money issue, ie., able to support yourself, would it be an easier decision?

Everyone deserves to be in a relationship that is more suitable without being locked in because of issue like finances and loneliness. In your case, maybe you should start to plan your own financial route so that you are less dependent on another person for money. Then you can be more free to make the right decision regarding relationships.

Good luck

[indecision]

Originally Posted by Clint Cora

I think you already realize that the relationship is over and the only thing holding you back from cutting loose is money. Another way to ask yourself about your case is ... if you had ways to at least ensure that you would be okay with the money issue, ie., able to support yourself, would it be an easier decisio?

Thank you for responding, Clint. I think you are right about the money. I've been used to not having to struggle financially. Plus in only seven years our mortgage will be paid. To go from that position to just having my income is hard. To step off the propety ladder is a scarey place to be. The best I will be able to afford on my current wage is a rented room. I could of course look at re-training and geting a better paid job but the current jobs market is not good.

What I am also finding hard is my parents reaction to all of this. They want me to leave my partner because they can see how unhappy I am and they know my biggest fear is financial security. Since leaving home I have never asked for money from them ever, yet they have helped my brothers out on numerous occasions. I'm not expecting or asking for any money but they have just cancelled a holiday they, me and my partner were going on next year, and are epxecting me to cover the deposit. I told them I would pay them back but if I leave my partner it will be really difficult for me to find the money. Do you think I'm being unfair in this reaction?

[Philemon]

Originally Posted by indecision

Thank you for responding, Clint. I think you are right about the money. I've been used to not having to struggle financially. Plus in only seven years our mortgage will be paid. To go from that position to just having my income is hard. To step off the propety ladder is a scarey place to be. The best I will be able to afford on my current wage is a rented room. I could of course look at re-training and geting a better paid job but the current jobs market is not good.

What I am also finding hard is my parents reaction to all of this. They want me to leave my partner because they can see how unhappy I am and they know my biggest fear is financial security. Since leaving home I have never asked for money from them ever, yet they have helped my brothers out on numerous occasions. I'm not expecting or asking for any money but they have just cancelled a holiday they, me and my partner were going on next year, and are epxecting me to cover the deposit. I told them I would pay them back but if I leave my partner it will be really difficult for me to find the money. Do you think I'm being unfair in this reaction?

Doesn't sound like that much money--not a big deal by any means. Don't you think your parents value your happiness more than a couple hundred bucks?

You've already left your partner mentally. I'll sound a bit blunt here, but do yourself a favor and get on with your life. All of your words convey that you want to do exactly that. So do it!

One piece of advice: tread carefully into this new relationship, but enjoy it if it works out. You don't have to think ten years down the road right now regarding your relationships. Ten minutes would probably be just fine and healthiest. If a deep, authentic connection is established and cultivated, then you should start considering the longevity questions.

That's my two cents anyway. Good luck to you. Big change can be hard sometimes.

[SarahJaynee]

Do you have a daughter or niece or a childs daughter you care about...?
If you do imagine this girl now grown up and coming to you for advice. Her question to you is should I stay or leave?

If you love this little girl there would be no hesitation - LEAVE, fly away now and go and live the rest of your wonderful Life!
Pay no heed to money and a 7 year stretch left on a mortgage!

Why can't you love yourself as much as this "other" little girl??

[Kait]

I agree with the other post. But you really should have left 4 years ago. I honestly dont think a man can go without sex for 4 years anyway...wow.

[indecision]

Originally Posted by Philemon

Doesn't sound like that much money--not a big deal by any means. Don't you think your parents value your happiness more than a couple hundred bucks?

You've already left your partner mentally. I'll sound a bit blunt here, but do yourself a favor and get on with your life. All of your words convey that you want to do exactly that. So do it!

One piece of advice: tread carefully into this new relationship, but enjoy it if it works out. You don't have to think ten years down the road right now regarding your relationships. Ten minutes would probably be just fine and healthiest. If a deep, authentic connection is established and cultivated, then you should start considering the longevity questions.

That's my two cents anyway. Good luck to you. Big change can be hard sometimes.

I'd like to think my parents would consider my happiness first but I guess I won't know until I leave my partner. Maybe then they'll say not to worry about the money?

I know it's only my fear of change that is keeping me from leaving. I just need to do it, like you say.

As for the other relationship, you are right. I actually think it would be a good idea to not rush into it, otherwise it will just end up being a rebound relationship and I don't want that.

[indecision]

Originally Posted by SarahJaynee

Do you have a daughter or niece or a childs daughter you care about...?
If you do imagine this girl now grown up and coming to you for advice. Her question to you is should I stay or leave?

If you love this little girl there would be no hesitation - LEAVE, fly away now and go and live the rest of your wonderful Life!
Pay no heed to money and a 7 year stretch left on a mortgage!

Why can't you love yourself as much as this "other" little girl??

I never thought about in that way before but you are absolutely right. My close friends who know about my situation at the moment are telling me to leave and move on with my life. To start with they didn't want to influence me or tell me what do, but as time has passed they can see I need to leave.

[indecision]

Originally Posted by Kait

I agree with the other post. But you really should have left 4 years ago. I honestly dont think a man can go without sex for 4 years anyway...wow.

Yes. I should have dealt with it at the time. Instead I buried my head in the sand. As for the no sex for four years, I think the same thing too. Problem is both his children are telling me that they know he really regretted it and they believe him when he says he's not cheated since. But how do I really know what the truth is?

[Orator]

Your predicament is really big since both of you are sleeping under the same roof and have no sex for four years. The idea is really inconceivable and I never can imagine staying together for four years and not having sex. Relationship between husband and wife advances and intensifies when there is understanding and both physical and spiritual intimacy exist. In your case you have already set your mind on a man and that means you are disloyal to him and secondly you fantasize having a relationship with some other.

I think you are also cheating on him when you are living with him and thinking about someone else. I maybe wrong since things are different from culture to culture and what I see conceivable in one culture may necessarily be inconceivable in another. If I have to judge this case from my cultural lens both of you are deceiving each other and with this deceit living under the same roof is improper

[Kait]

Originally Posted by indecision

Yes. I should have dealt with it at the time. Instead I buried my head in the sand. As for the no sex for four years, I think the same thing too. Problem is both his children are telling me that they know he really regretted it and they believe him when he says he's not cheated since. But how do I really know what the truth is?

This isn't his children's life, it's yours. You don't love him and that's a fact. You are depriving youself of love and sex...this relationship you have with your partner is just dead in the water.

My feeling is, when he cheated in the first place, he was missing something from this relationship (a need) BUT yet he hangs on for what reason? I don't feel he loves you either. I honestly feel it's out of guilt he staying with you...or money too..

I would rather live in a small one bedroom apt. then be in a 5 bedroom home...I would rather take a risk on being on my own then staying with a man that you just dont love. Your comfy on the outside with your surroundings BUT on the inside your dieing...

I am 43 and my soon to ex husband will be 57...I kind of know what its like living without sex and being in a home and being just a roommate...I'm scared too but you have to raise above this fear and tell yourself you deserve happiness and you deserve love. Please think about your wants and your needs...and know that you too can take care of yourself. You may need your parents help through this time (so take it) don't feel guilt for bettering your life and finding love.

[indecision]

Originally Posted by Orator

Your predicament is really big since both of you are sleeping under the same roof and have no sex for four years. The idea is really inconceivable and I never can imagine staying together for four years and not having sex. Relationship between husband and wife advances and intensifies when there is understanding and both physical and spiritual intimacy exist. In your case you have already set your mind on a man and that means you are disloyal to him and secondly you fantasize having a relationship with some other.

I think you are also cheating on him when you are living with him and thinking about someone else. I maybe wrong since things are different from culture to culture and what I see conceivable in one culture may necessarily be inconceivable in another. If I have to judge this case from my cultural lens both of you are deceiving each other and with this deceit living under the same roof is improper

I would consider my feelings for this other man an emotional affair. We've not met or allowed our feelings to progress to a physical level. Those that know about this person (only my parents and best friend) are telling me I've not done anything wrong, though I still feel as I have. My partner does know I like someone else but he hasn't asked who it is or any questions about it. He's the one burying his head in the sand this time. I just need to find the strenght to do the right thing, which is to leave my partner.

[indecision]

Originally Posted by Kait

This isn't his children's life, it's yours. You don't love him and that's a fact. You are depriving youself of love and sex...this relationship you have with your partner is just dead in the water.

My feeling is, when he cheated in the first place, he was missing something from this relationship (a need) BUT yet he hangs on for what reason? I don't feel he loves you either. I honestly feel it's out of guilt he staying with you...or money too..

I would rather live in a small one bedroom apt. then be in a 5 bedroom home...I would rather take a risk on being on my own then staying with a man that you just dont love. Your comfy on the outside with your surroundings BUT on the inside your dieing...

I am 43 and my soon to ex husband will be 57...I kind of know what its like living without sex and being in a home and being just a roommate...I'm scared too but you have to raise above this fear and tell yourself you deserve happiness and you deserve love. Please think about your wants and your needs...and know that you too can take care of yourself. You may need your parents help through this time (so take it) don't feel guilt for bettering your life and finding love.

The issue with his children is complicated. They've both said they'd still want me to be in their lives no matter water. His daughter has also told me that even though she loves her dad I need to do what is right for me. But at the same time they are saying they know is really sorry and loves me etc.

I definitely think part of the reason he wants me to stay is for the money. On his wages he would be able to stay in our home and pay the mortgage/bills and buy food and still have a small amount left over to spend, whereas with my wage we have quite a bit of spending money. But in my case the best I'd be able to afford is to rent a room in a shared house. I know it shouldn't be a reason to stay and that eventually things would improve, but still doesn't make it any easier.

Sounds like you were in exactly the same situation as me and it's good to know that although it is scarey, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you for your advice.

[awdye]

It sounds like you have your mind made up about your desire for your husband.

I say leave. Then he can find someone interested in a deeper relationship.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by indecision

Sounds like you were in exactly the same situation as me and it's good to know that although it is scarey, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you for your advice.

No, my situation is different...My husband didn't cheat. He just chose to leave the relationship because he was NO longer in love with me. And I don't want someone with me, if he doesn't love me...

I personally cant be with that...and I have a need for sex but don't want to share it with someone who no longer cares for me.

I wish you happiness and love.

[lyricslair]

I know it's only my fear of change that is keeping me from leaving. I just need to do it, like you say.

You hit the nail right on the head .... Change... What you have now is comfortable or somewhat ... I say somewhat being that you're not happy, content ? Maybe, but not happy. The money situation it seems you have covered , so what is holding you back from living? Take a chance.... I mean really what's the worse that can happen? You not be happy? You're not happy now... but .... there is the chance that you will be extremely liberated by standing on your own and be fantastically happy.... You will never know until you decide to take that step. I say go for it!!!

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by indecision

How do I know he won't/hasn't cheated again?

I think that things would be much simpler if people didn't worry so much about "cheating." Try to imagine what your relationship would be like if neither you nor your husband was concerned about sleeping with other people. No other change, just that.

I'm not psychic, but I bet it would be a lot better, because you would never have been driven apart by your husband's actions in the first place. You'd have all of the compatibilities you share, with none of the insecurities.

Your husband says that he's prepared for anything. You could stay with your husband and be intimate with this other guy. It's a choice between upholding moral standards that are and will definitely continue to make someone unhappy, or discarding them and having the opportunity to make all three of you happy. Morality is supposed to be about the greater good; I don't see any greater good being achieved by your fidelity. I only see three people leading lives suppressed by an arbitrary rule.

[HeartNSoul]

14 years together is a long time.....

I know if me and my partner were together for 14 years...hell...I'd let them do whatever they want.

All jokes aside. I think you should try to forgive him, because if you're not then why are you with him?

You should have left the minute you found out.

[indecision]

Originally Posted by Kait

No, my situation is different...My husband didn't cheat. He just chose to leave the relationship because he was NO longer in love with me. And I don't want someone with me, if he doesn't love me...

I personally cant be with that...and I have a need for sex but don't want to share it with someone who no longer cares for me.

I wish you happiness and love.

So I am like your husband as I am no longer in love with my partner, which means you can see it from my partner's point of view. I suppose part of me wishes my partner felt like you because then we would both see relationship is dead. But as I said before I think he would carry on as we are indefinintely just so I didn't leave, which is a horrible place to be.

I am sorry to hear your husband left you and I'm also wishing you happiness and love.

[indecision]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

I think that things would be much simpler if people didn't worry so much about "cheating." Try to imagine what your relationship would be like if neither you nor your husband was concerned about sleeping with other people. No other change, just that.

I'm not psychic, but I bet it would be a lot better, because you would never have been driven apart by your husband's actions in the first place. You'd have all of the compatibilities you share, with none of the insecurities.

Your husband says that he's prepared for anything. You could stay with your husband and be intimate with this other guy. It's a choice between upholding moral standards that are and will definitely continue to make someone unhappy, or discarding them and having the opportunity to make all three of you happy. Morality is supposed to be about the greater good; I don't see any greater good being achieved by your fidelity. I only see three people leading lives suppressed by an arbitrary rule.

An interesting way to view the situation. I have to say I could never live in that kind of relationship and I believe in the end it would just cause even more pain. As for the person I like, he has made it very clear that nothing will happen between us whilst I am in a relationship.

[indecision]

Originally Posted by HeartNSoul

14 years together is a long time.....

I know if me and my partner were together for 14 years...hell...I'd let them do whatever they want.

All jokes aside. I think you should try to forgive him, because if you're not then why are you with him?

You should have left the minute you found out.

I agree that I should have left when I found out but I believed at the time there were too many reasons not to leave i.e. we'd just bought our first home together. I was still in love with him. The problem now is that the lack of intimacy has driven a wedge between us and try as I might I no longer find him attractive.

I could forgive him but it doesn't change the way I now feel about him.

[indecision]

Originally Posted by lyricslair

I know it's only my fear of change that is keeping me from leaving. I just need to do it, like you say.

You hit the nail right on the head .... Change... What you have now is comfortable or somewhat ... I say somewhat being that you're not happy, content ? Maybe, but not happy. The money situation it seems you have covered , so what is holding you back from living? Take a chance.... I mean really what's the worse that can happen? You not be happy? You're not happy now... but .... there is the chance that you will be extremely liberated by standing on your own and be fantastically happy.... You will never know until you decide to take that step. I say go for it!!!

You are right. Nobody likes change. People are creatures of habit; we like routine and comfort/security. At the moment there are two things stopping me from making that change - fear of the unknown and knowing I have to hurt my partner to make myself happy.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by indecision

An interesting way to view the situation. I have to say I could never live in that kind of relationship and I believe in the end it would just cause even more pain. As for the person I like, he has made it very clear that nothing will happen between us whilst I am in a relationship.

What people say and what they mean is often different. Your husband probably also made it clear that he wouldn't sleep with other women while he was with you. Such resolutions often break down in the face of honest feelings.

The primary problem with cheating, as I see it, isn't the sex. It's the lies. Sex, in and of itself, hurts no one. I would even go so far as to say that [consensual] sex is the opposite of hurting someone.

I'm not an expert, but I think it's not unheard of for a woman that has an affair to also have a renewed attraction to her husband. Without lies, you could have all the benefits of an affair without any of the sneaking around. It could be that you don't want to leave your husband, you just don't want to be bound to him. Instead of destroying your marriage, a dalliance could save it.

What greater suffering do you think such an action would result in over the complications that you're already dealing with? Your husband could leave you, but you're already thinking of leaving him. Your other guy could not have sex with you, but you're already not having sex with him. Perhaps there's the chance that you'll push both of them away, but it sounds like what you're doing now is already pretty damaging to any feelings either might have for you.

Are your feelings for your husband really so atrophied that you want to leave him, or are you just stuck in the mindset that his infidelity put you in four years ago? It sounds like you're being reactive rather than proactive, since you mention that you specifically stopped having sex after his affair. You've allowed that one action to define the whole relationship. If you have an affair, openly and honestly, then that could be what it takes to break the curse and allow you to see your husband as a whole person again, instead of seeing just one action he took four years in the past. And if the affair ends up being the real relationship, there's nothing to be ashamed of, since you did everything out in the open.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by indecision

So I am like your husband as I am no longer in love with my partner, which means you can see it from my partner's point of view. I suppose part of me wishes my partner felt like you because then we would both see relationship is dead. But as I said before I think he would carry on as we are indefinintely just so I didn't leave, which is a horrible place to be.

I am sorry to hear your husband left you and I'm also wishing you happiness and love.

No, I don't think you are like my husband either...My husband was sick(colon cancer) he had removed, and they hit the small bowle. He is a transplant patient due to a medical error. He's sick, along with NOT wanted the responsiblity of his wife or children...His priorities changed in our relationship...and he then said he didn't love me...he left...I want to think because he wanted me to find love (that is now) because we've been seperated two years now...

I see it from your side,...and from your partners side. You two, deserve so much more than what you're getting out of this relationship. Its painful for you both...He is punishing everyday for not getting love from you. And YOU are punishing yourself for not loving someone you want...That's hell for both of you. But only you can make your life ...and only HE can make his life. It's just sad.

Its okay that my husband left, because I too, will survive.