My Marriage Needs Saving - Please Help!

[lupinski272]

My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for 10. I have always adored him, thought of him as my soul mate. He was my best friend. Until about a month ago, I thought our marriage was fine...great in fact. Then I noticed that he was starting to shut down emotionally. He was pulling away. I tried talking to him, but he only got annoyed. Then 2 weeks ago he told me that we have nothing in common and is not sure if we ever did. He said the spark between us is gone. I was crushed. How could my best friend say this to me? I thought maybe I could fix it, so I started reading a self help book. Maybe this insight would help me. We went out for cinco de mayo and had what I thought was a good time. He even went so far as to say he felt a connection with me. Then last night he dropped the bomb.....he loves me but he is not IN LOVE with me. He cares for me but has not loved me for quite some time now...maybe even years. I feel as though my heart is being ripped from my chest and run over by a very large bus over and over and over. I don't know what to do. I feel so out of control. My safe haven has become a nightmare that I can't wake from. I'm having anxiety attacks one after the other and can't focus at work. Is there any hope for us? Please help if you can. I need to know this isn't the end.

[CFPurpose]

I read this and felt pangs of emotion for you. Then I went to click out of it because I did not know what to say to you and then I stopped and thought, "If it were me on the other end of the computer, I'd like to just hear that people are listening."

So I'm just letting you know that I feel for you and your situation. It must be terribly awful and hard to swollow. I've been there before but I lost my husband over a tragedy that upheaved me, my children and my entire family for years. I still have issues from it all BUT Pain eventually heals my dear. Heartache is the worst emotion known to man, I know. I feel for you and anyone else currently enduring it. Pray for guidance and stay strong. If you ever need an unbiased ear, I'm here on the other end of the screen.

Take care.

[ZHereford]

Just like CFPurpose I feel so bad for you. You must feel like you've been emotionally ambushed.

It's unfortunate that your husband didn't let you know when he started to question his feelings for you. You might have been able to discuss and work something out then. He may even be going through some mid-life crisis. I've known of people who have gone through this, left their spouses and realized after it was too late what a mistake they made.

The only thing you can do at this point is take care of yourself the best you can. Even though it must seem like it to you, it's not the end of the world. If you act clingy and needy it will just turn him off. If you act normal (even though you certainly don't feel it) he may step back and re-think things.

Either way, life will go on and you will recover. I wish you all the best.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I cannot say whether this is indeed the end or not, but I will give you just a little of what I think (which is not based on personal experience as I have never been married so take it with a grain of salt).

I think that sometimes it is very easy to confuse the feeling of intense emotion that comes with the first blush of a new love with love itself. They are interconnected, but I don't think that spark necessarily endures in a constantly bright fashion. When it fades, many people would say they've "fallen out of love" when really, they care deeply for their parter, just not in that new/exciting way. I don't know that there is any way to make another person understand this, but I would say that your husband saying he loves and cares for you means he does, but that feeling that gives him goosebumps is not there. I think most if not all marriages face this at some point. It becomes a choice to stay committed and loving, to enjoy mutual pastimes and also seek out new adventures as well as have time for yourselves.

I do not know you or your husband, but I would say that the best thing you can do for your relationship right now is stay calm (this part I do know from experience - however I do know how hard it is) and begin to think about what you want next. Reclaim some of your personal power...not to control what he does, but to feel in yourself that you are strong and can handle whatever happens - because you can. Read books if you find them helpful (I suggest I Need Your Love - Is That True? by Byron Katie). Post on these forums. Connect with trusted friends in your life (but don't air dirty relationship laundry). Be willing to talk without making the converstion all about "I can't go on if x happens" or "How could you do this to me" etc. Try to really listen for the message behind the words. Realize that you can and will have a beautiful life regardless of what happens. Try to show your willingness to understand where he is coming from. A converstion where you both explain where you think the relationship is and what you need might help. If he's willing, maybe a professional counselor could get to the bottom of what's causing him to feel this way.

I know some other people on this forum will give you much more sound and time tested advice. This is simply what I think and it doesn't really give you a plan of action, more just some things to think about. I wish you all the love in the world. My heart is there with you. Even if nothing I said is of comfort to you...keep posting. There are some people here who will blow your mind with their kindness and wisdom.

[Neil Warner]

Dear Lupinski,
it is gut wrenching, and it got you by surprise! that is the worst part, no time to prepare! Now, your first job is to keep your center nourished and taken care of: remember the basics and eat, sleep, and take long baths. If there is some hope, it is in your reaction: try not to yell, make recriminations or in general, be destructive towards him. If you can keep self-controlled, even when your heart is run over by a bus, you have some hope.....keep breathing, make the most calm environment and then invite him to talk....Not to gather ammunition, but to share, because you need to learn from him what happened. If you still respect him, even when painful, is better: show your respect, saying "I understand" when and if he shares something of his process with you....Of course, you can have a moment alone by yourself and then yell, scream and vent as much as you need! try to leave open a door of understanding....is urgent that you get the answer to: what happened betweeen the two, so you can answer the other question: how can I prevent this next time?
Best of luck,
Neil
Transform Confrontation into Cooperation and Harmony!

Positive Conflict

[torilink]

Hi,

just wanted to let you know that I just went through this same situation a few years ago.

I know what you are feeling - my thoughts and best wishes go out to you.

if you need someone to talk to about it all - PM me.

[lupinski272]

I want to thank you for your advice. I am trying to be calm, but the flood of emotions just keep running me down. I spoke with him earlier and he has now told me that he's not sure he even loved me on our wedding day. He married me because he thought it was the right thing to do. No, I was not pregnant. He just thought that after dating for a year it was the next step, and followed through diligently without any thoughts of what his feelings really were. So here we are 10 married years later with two beautiful boys and my whole life is suddenly not mine at all. He even told me that when I broke my foot, came down with pnemonia and even during a cancer scare he was not concerned...he did not worry...he actually told me that all he could think about was how I was going to be a burden on him. All I can think is WOW! How do you rebuild something that may have never had a foundation to begin with? I want him to love me. I want my life back. I never want anyone to feel the pain that is searing through me...constantly....agonizing. I will try to be patient, understanding and calm. I only hope that God hears my prayers and helps me.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I am so sorry. It seems that the things I said may be irrelevant. I would feel steamrolled too in your situation. Please do remember though that you are valuable, you are strong and this too shall pass.

I would encourage you to read that book I mentioned. I think the agonizing part of your feelings right now would be served by the knowledge in that book. Be courageous for your boys. I really feel your pain coming through in your words...I am so sorry that you are going through this. I cannot imagine hearing those words from the person I love and shared my life with for so long. Do try to keep in mind that this is about him, though and is in no way a reflection on your worth or lovability. WOW is an understatement!

[CFPurpose]

Oh what a jerk!! I actually feel like crying at this very moment.

((((((( HUGS ))))))))))


Baby, I am so sorry you must go through this. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix to heartache. We must suffer through it like a bad cold, tend to it and try to make it through somehow on the top.

I could tell you to be strong but thats easier said than done. Just keep those 2 boys in your eyesite. They will help you prevail over this. You will come out stronger and wiser and more knowledgable than ever before. I know thats not what you want to hear right now but it's the truth.


I also wanted to say that Aspiring Clarity actually had some very good insite and words to offer. I commend her for it.


Take care.

[Lychee]

Originally Posted by lupinski272

I want to thank you for your advice. I am trying to be calm, but the flood of emotions just keep running me down. I spoke with him earlier and he has now told me that he's not sure he even loved me on our wedding day. He married me because he thought it was the right thing to do. No, I was not pregnant. He just thought that after dating for a year it was the next step, and followed through diligently without any thoughts of what his feelings really were. So here we are 10 married years later with two beautiful boys and my whole life is suddenly not mine at all. He even told me that when I broke my foot, came down with pnemonia and even during a cancer scare he was not concerned...he did not worry...he actually told me that all he could think about was how I was going to be a burden on him. All I can think is WOW! How do you rebuild something that may have never had a foundation to begin with? I want him to love me. I want my life back. I never want anyone to feel the pain that is searing through me...constantly....agonizing. I will try to be patient, understanding and calm. I only hope that God hears my prayers and helps me.

I believe a lot of people nowadays do not truly understand what love is. Love is about respect and deep caring for the other person. It's not just the butterflies you get in your stomach. In most, if not all, situations the feeling you had before for the person changes. People think that the change is a signal that the feeling of love (being "in love") is no longer there.

How can someone who "loves" someone else, even if they aren't "in love" with their partner, not even be concerned if they become ill? How can they be selfish and think about their own problems?

The foundation was there from your end, but he made the decision not to join his foundation with yours. It seems to me that his foundation was weak, since he did not even have the courtesy or respect to tell you before how he felt about you. Waiting so long to tell the other person is doing them and the relationship a disservice and I feel it is extremely disrespectful.

Focus on yourself. Center yourself. Distinguish yourself from your partner and turn to God. You can't rely on your husband right now. Hold an expectation for yourself that you WILL get through this. You are separate from him and you don't need him. No, you really don't. You need faith in God and in yourself. You were your own woman before you got married to him. Dream of what you want your life to be and who you want your ideal partner to be. Hold onto that rock and don't let go.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by lupinski272

He even told me that when I broke my foot, came down with pnemonia and even during a cancer scare he was not concerned...he did not worry...he actually told me that all he could think about was how I was going to be a burden on him.

If anything, this guy doesn't sound worth anything you are going through! You deserve better that what this inconsiderate, disrespectful person is putting you through.

I know this is no consolation at the moment, but down the road you will be better off without him. If this is the kind of person he is, he'll never be satisfied with anything in life. It's actually himself he doesn't love. You just happen to be there to reflect this back to him.

You will be okay! Just have faith in yourself and keep praying. It will work out.

[Max Power]

He's looking for something you either don't have anymore or are not providing. He's looking out into the world for it, freedom, other person, whatever.

You must demand to know what it is that he wants, it's your right to know. He knows what it is, but he may be ashamed of telling you what it is.

Emotion can help or hurt you, don't play victim, be strong and know that whatever happens, you can get through this no matter how it turns out.

Don't think you can, know you can.

Max

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Max Power

He's looking for something you either don't have anymore or are not providing. He's looking out into the world for it, freedom, other person, whatever.

You must demand to know what it is that he wants, it's your right to know. He knows what it is, but he may be ashamed of telling you what it is.

Emotion can help or hurt you, don't play victim, be strong and know that whatever happens, you can get through this no matter how it turns out.

Don't think you can, know you can.

Max

this was great advice, and I just want to add (please don't kill the messenger everyone) that it is highly likely he has already found what he believed was missing - and that is why he is saying this now.

I only know what happened in my situation, and it ended up that he had already found the "Something Else" prior to even telling me he wasn't happy with the relationship we had.

Just remember to breathe, even when it feels like you've been punched in the stomach, and try to BELIEVE that everything always works out.

[Shamou]

Here is a text that I hope may be apropriate at this time in your life… with my very best wishes…

"It is through your deepest struggles, that you reach for you highest goals. I think what that means, is when we are at our lowest, at what we perceive to be “rock-bottom”, there is no where else for us to go but up. It is at these times of complete hopelessness, that we consciously choose to either give-up, or to push past our pain and reach for our dreams.

We need to try and remember this, so when we are deep in our own despair over a perceived failure, we can recognize our pain, and see it as an opportunity to reach for our dreams." -- Catherine Morgan

.

[JohnPlace]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. What really makes me sad is that you describe him as your best friend. The fact that you describe him in such a manner tells me that this was a truly satisfying relationship, a true love.

If this man really is your best friend, ask him if he will see a marriage counselor with you. Is he still interested in working things out at all? If so, counseling can help, since it will help drive honest communication facilitated by an educated and caring mediator.

My heart is with you.

[lupinski272]

He does not want to work things out. I do not want a divorce and have told him I will not grant him one. He and I made a promise before family, friends and more importantly God, to love each other until death do us part for better or worse. This definately would count as "worse". He said he can't sleep in the same bed with me and that my voice to him is now like nails down a chalk board. Yet he also stated that he is not going anywhere. He is going to live in our basement and continue to take care of everything....bills, house maintenance etc. It all leaves me very confused. I at one point today asked him to leave. I then recanted and asked him to stay. My insides are so twisted up it makes me sick. He wants to stay, but he wants to go. He isn't sure how long he will be able to live in the basement before he wants more out of life. He also said that maybe in a year things will be different and he might want me back.....again....all so confusing. My only condolence at this point is that he hasn't left entirely and that he said that I and the boys could keep the house as well as all the money in our joint accounts. He will continue to deposit his paycheck and he will live on his supplemental income. It's all too nice. Yet, what I really want is just for him to love me.

[Red Willow]

How old is he? Is he going through some mid-life crisis issue perhaps? Has he suffered any kind of stress lately?

It seems incredibly strange that a person whom you claim as your best friend would say those very hurtful things--that he doesn't even care about your well-being. If you believe those feelings are valid, you should be happy your marriage is coming to an end. But I suspect he's saying those things out of some other frustration that he's taking out on you. I honestly can't imagine a scenario where a husband of 10 years would not even concern himself over his wife's health.

I agree you two should seek counciling, if only to seek some type of closure. If he refuses to go, you should go by yourself.

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Red Willow

How old is he? Is he going through some mid-life crisis issue perhaps? Has he suffered any kind of stress lately?

It seems incredibly strange that a person whom you claim as your best friend would say those very hurtful things--that he doesn't even care about your well-being. If you believe those feelings are valid, you should be happy your marriage is coming to an end. But I suspect he's saying those things out of some other frustration that he's taking out on you. I honestly can't imagine a scenario where a husband of 10 years would not even concern himself over his wife's health.

I agree you two should seek counciling, if only to seek some type of closure. If he refuses to go, you should go by yourself.

Mine did the same exact thing. we were married 9 - it seems exactly right on course.

At this point in his view - she is keeping him from what he wants, she is the reason he cannot have what he wants - thus this behavior and these awful words and actions.

The very best course for her now is to let go - I know easier said than done, but she has to allow him the freedom to see if the grass is really greener on the other side of the fence. As long as she fights his desire to go, SHE is the problem in his mind (even if HE is the one causing the problems) - he will continue to project his guilt and make her guilty.

Let go - let go - and love yourself the way he is incapable of loving you right now. Love yourself enough to believe EVERYTHING will be OK.

[torilink]

Originally Posted by lupinski272

He does not want to work things out. I do not want a divorce and have told him I will not grant him one. He and I made a promise before family, friends and more importantly God, to love each other until death do us part for better or worse. This definately would count as "worse". He said he can't sleep in the same bed with me and that my voice to him is now like nails down a chalk board. Yet he also stated that he is not going anywhere. He is going to live in our basement and continue to take care of everything....bills, house maintenance etc. It all leaves me very confused. I at one point today asked him to leave. I then recanted and asked him to stay. My insides are so twisted up it makes me sick. He wants to stay, but he wants to go. He isn't sure how long he will be able to live in the basement before he wants more out of life. He also said that maybe in a year things will be different and he might want me back.....again....all so confusing. My only condolence at this point is that he hasn't left entirely and that he said that I and the boys could keep the house as well as all the money in our joint accounts. He will continue to deposit his paycheck and he will live on his supplemental income. It's all too nice. Yet, what I really want is just for him to love me.

Been exactly here at this almost exact situation - Make him leave. Make him live the life he says he wants.

He wants to keep his lifestyle, the convenience of it all - but the freedom to do his thing. This will be 100000000x harder for you with him right there in the house, it will keep you all twisted up every minute of every day. I know you think it is a blessing that he hasn't left - but it isn't. I lived with this situation for over a year just exactly while my "Husband" dated and slept around, took trips with his girlfriend from work and basically did what the hell ever he wanted, and all I wanted was for him to love me again.

Nothing changed until I divorced him, made him move out and in with his girlfriend, and eventually left the state. It took me letting go -even shoving him into the situation he believed he really wanted, for him to not want it anymore. It also took alot of inner work for me, dealing with my Screaming Crazy Ego, forgiving, and doing the visualiztion exercises about the past that I've discussed in another thread, but I lived through it, learned SO much, and learned what love is and what it isn't.

Make him leave.

[Lychee]

Originally Posted by torilink

Been exactly here at this almost exact situation - Make him leave. Make him live the life he says he wants.

He wants to keep his lifestyle, the convenience of it all - but the freedom to do his thing. This will be 100000000x harder for you with him right there in the house, it will keep you all twisted up every minute of every day. I know you think it is a blessing that he hasn't left - but it isn't. I lived with this situation for over a year just exactly while my "Husband" dated and slept around, took trips with his girlfriend from work and basically did what the hell ever he wanted, and all I wanted was for him to love me again.

Nothing changed until I divorced him, made him move out and in with his girlfriend, and eventually left the state. It took me letting go -even shoving him into the situation he believed he really wanted, for him to not want it anymore. It also took alot of inner work for me, dealing with my Screaming Crazy Ego, forgiving, and doing the visualiztion exercises about the past that I've discussed in another thread, but I lived through it, learned SO much, and learned what love is and what it isn't.

Make him leave.

*thumbs up* Let him go.

[Max Power]

It's over, cut him lose. He's made his decision and his intention of 'sticking around and doing the right thing' won't last.

He's either found someone else or wants too. These things never end well, sit down, without emotion and write out a plan to gid rid of him, because he has already made that decison for himself and already has a plan, even if he says he hasn't.

Forget therapy, it will just drain your bank account. The quicker you get rid of him, the easier it will be and may make him see his error, although not likely to reunite you.

Do this as fast as possible as it will put you in a position of strenght, right now he has the upper hand and he is playing you. He is 10 steps in front and you're playig catch up.

Power to the Max

[Kamma]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have to say that I have been through heartache as have many others and we all know that it can totally turn your world upside down. I won't go through my whole story because, frankly, it would be a very loooooong post and probably not that interesting. I can say though that someone vey close to me has gone through 2 divorces (this is not as bad as it sounds). She tried so hard to keep the second marriage going but eventually let go. I can say that I've never seen her happier although it did take time.
Please, please let him go. He's stated that he doesn't want to be with you. Get him out of he house because his presence will only keep you down. Focus on YOU, focus on improving yourself and then when you've risen to the top and he comes crawling back then YOU can decide if he's worthy

Take care xx

P.S. Please PM me if you want to talk it through further.

[lupinski272]

My husband is 29. I was going to plan a big 30th blow out. He has also been talking about getting the boys names tatooed on his arms...I hate tatooes and he knows that. I orgingally thought this was a mid-life crisis, but I really just don't know anything. He was only 19 when we got married....I was 27. He has done everything in fast forward. We bought our first house when he was 20, had our first son when he was 22. Now, I think he's looking back and thinks he has missed out on his whole "20 something" life....and it's all my fault. He even went so far to say that he is jealous of the single guy at the bar who has no responsbilities.

I agree that I should just let him go...but I'm just not ready to take that step. I am so overwhelmed with grief right now...the thought of just making him leave horrifies me. Plus, he has no where to go other than his parents house.

I do believe that I have taken him for granted. He was a very caring husband and father. I'm not sure what made that change. I feel so selfish right now. I don't know if that's part of the grieving stage, but that's where I am.

[Love]

Wow. I'm sending you hugs, love.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by lupinski272

He was only 19 when we got married....I was 27. He has done everything in fast forward.

Lupinski272 I think this sums it up right here. He is going through a midlife crisis albeit a little early, but as you said he did everything fast forward.

As all these posts suggest, even though you are not ready, ultimately you will have to let him go. Rightly or wrongly he blames you for what he "missed out" on. If you don't let him go, things will just deteriorate at a faster pace. The sooner he figures things out, the sooner everyone will be able to get on with their lives.

Again, you now have to focus on your own health and well-being. Perhaps you should consider some counselling to help get you through this.

[lupinski272]

I thank each of you for your well thought out advice. I have asked him to leave, and he has. We have agreed to separate and I am in agony over this very hard decision. I know it's for the best, but the pain is unbearable.

[Lychee]

Originally Posted by lupinski272

I thank each of you for your well thought out advice. I have asked him to leave, and he has. We have agreed to separate and I am in agony over this very hard decision. I know it's for the best, but the pain is unbearable.

*hug* It'll get better.

[lupinski272]

I keep finding myself wanting to call him...beg him...but I haven't. I keep looking out the window, hoping he will come home. My mother told me that the end of a marriage is much like a death. I feel torn apart...out of control. and so depressed. I can't deal with anything. I just want to lie on the sofa and cry. I'm so tired, but can't sleep. I know I have to be strong for my boys, but I just feel like I can't cope. I can't cope with anything. How long am I going to feel like this...it's unbearable...I feel like I'm going to die.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by lupinski272

We have agreed to separate and I am in agony over this very hard decision. I know it's for the best, but the pain is unbearable.

Lupinski272 you are being courageous and unselfish by letting someone go who needs to find himself. Pray for strength and guidance and in the end you will find the peace that comes with being who you are.

[torilink]

I know it doesn't feel like the "right thing" now, but in time you will see that it was.

Please take care of yourself and if you need someone to talk to, I'm around.