|11-14-2011, 07:01 AM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2011
Complicated relationship - what to do next?
Hey guys, I've been hanging around the forum for a while and had a great deal of help from just reading people's stories and thoughts. I think it's about time I posted mine as I think it's a bit of an unusual situation.
Unfortunately I will have to go on a very long story to describe my situation, so to those of you who have been kind enough to visit this thread and would like to contribute, basically my problem is I don't know what to make of this relationship (if it's even one) and how to proceed and hopefully go on the next step (my question is at the end of the thread in Bold).
So I've known this girl since we were 17. We spent a great deal of time together at school, everyday, and enjoyed it heaps. We just simply clicked and although our interests didn't really match (she's into arty visual things, I'm into geeky computer stuff) and still don't, we've been able to share a lot and laugh together. We also had our own relationships, she with an upperclassman school and I with a girl 1,000km away, so we still had a lot of time together at school.
Three years later we finished school, and we had our goodbye on the day we received our certificate. I would then go overseas to do my university and she would stay in my hometown. There was a bit of sadness since we had become close, to the point that we loved each other as 'siblings' (I know it might sound weird, but stay with me). We shared all our life stories, our relationship stories, went out with other friends, and admired each other in general.
Fast forward seven years, we've now finished university and been earning our own living for a few years. Throughout these years, we kept contact very rarely, since I had been preoccupied with my long-distance relationship and she with a few "serious" relationships. But we still stayed in touch. We met this year when I happened to be between jobs and back in my hometown; I've now got out of my long-term relationship, and she's just broken up with her boyfriend of 3 years. Like the old days, we shared a lot of stories, funny or sad, but mainly on our disappointment with our relationships.
By this time, we still maintained our feeling for each other, close friends but absolutely nothing more. We enjoyed a few weeks together before I had to return overseas to find new employment. We talked about how to find the perfect relationship; not the perfect person, but the perfect relationship, one that would last a lifetime and where both couple work to achieve it. We found out that we shared the same perception on many things, the same concept of relationship, the same faith, even the same dreams of the future.
Unexpectedly for me, or perhaps expectedly to many of you still reading this far, I started to develop a feeling for her; I started to get the tingling sensation when I thought about her. Lame, I know, but I really couldn't help it. I tried to resist it because I thought it would feel really (really!) strange if I ever go out on a date with her. I told her about my feeling, casually ("Hey, what do you think if we give it a go then?"), and she said she'd feel the same. We know it would be awesome because we've been great friends and everything, but the thought of romance was still beyond us.
So I returned overseas, and we both went on the dating game again. We stay in touch, this time more frequently, and just update each other how we've gone. She's cute and bubbly, which is really the only two qualities you need to attract any guy. I on the other hand haven't had much luck, mainly due to there's nobody that interests me for some reason - perhaps also the fact I'm overseas and working with a foreign gene pool might have something to do with it, I don't know. She basically tried her best to 'circulate' around and search, joined activities, got introduced to friends' friends, etc. Whenever she managed to go out with someone, she would tell me and I would give her my opinion. However, most of them didn't last more than weeks.
As time passed, we actually got closer. We threw a lot of 'suggestive' jokes ("See, if you just went out with me you wouldn't have to go through all this") and more serious opinions ("I think the one you'll actually marry will be very lucky indeed"). My feelings for her became deeper, but I always tried to maintain my distance. She, on the other hand, started to have a logic vs emotions dilemma, because she had (and still has) 0 romantic feelings for me, but actually saw me as the perfect man for her. She said, of all the guys she'd met, there really hasn't been anyone who could match her ideal profile, but me.
This is where the "problem" began. We started talking about the future more seriously, what kind of wedding we'd like, what kind of house we dream of, how we'd raise our kids, how we'd manage the household finances. We even talked about "if" we did get together, when we should get engaged and married. I had my hopes raised a lot, although I still didn't know what our relationship was at the time. I did ask her if she'd be my girlfriend, but she said no - because 1) she wanted a relationship that's more permanent and serious, 2) we've already known each other for so long, what's the point of dating, 3) if we were dating to get engaged and married, why not get engaged and married. Note: we were still in different countries at this point, so the prospect of a(nother) long-distance relationship wasn't very attractive to either of us. We agreed to talk about it more when I went home last month.
Meanwhile, there's this guy she likes. She became close with him after our 'thing' started to develop. She assured me there's nothing going on between them, and that dating him would be like dating a celebrity - you'd be ecstatic but wouldn't even think of anything more. We'll get back to that in a couple of paragraphs.
So I met her last month. We started going out as a 'couple', although I didn't really know what we were so I kind of maintained my distance. We met for a few dinners, gave her souvenirs for her and her family, met her mum and she met my parents, etc. On the last date, she told me she was actually disappointed. I was shocked, and asked her why. She said she thought I would treat her more 'special', the way a guy would treat his girlfriend, more caring and more serious. She said there were other people who'd done a lot more than I did that past week, and she was let down because then all my talks about marriage and relationship turned out bull, or so it seemed.
So I flew back overseas. Our relationship still uncertain, but I still didn't know what just happened. I didn't know if there was a relationship at all, it was all up in the air, so to speak. But my hopes were still high, and thought I would make things right when I come back next time, now that it's all clearer what we are and what she expects.
A week on, she rang me on video call, saying she was confused. The guy that she liked had asked her out and become his girlfriend. She apologised and promised me she would resolve the situation quickly.
At this point I was devastated. Totally and utterly devastated. I really didn't see it coming. All my hopes were shattered. True that we didn't have any promises or even an actual relationship, but it really destroyed me. How could I have been put in this position out of the blue? I won't dwell on this though, as I could write a book about how I felt exactly at the time. If this was a few months earlier, I would've been able to step back and give her my objective opinion of the guy (he's actually a good guy, by the way, kind-hearted and good at what he does, but she'd only known him for months).
The week that followed was an absolute nightmare for me. A lot of emotional rollercoaster and tsunamis. A lot of cold sweat of jealousy (you do get cold sweat when you feel jealous don't you?) and my work was all over the place. I emailed her all I felt and always told her my exact feeling when I called her, although she only apologised. She did say though, to trust her, the way she trusts me. After a week of constant calling, she actually said, please, pretend all these things about this guy never happened, I mistook his cues and was just hoping, but nothing happened, let's get back together again.
My first reaction to that was, okay is this for real or is she just saying that to calm me down, because I'd been acting like a teenager all week long. Then I just remembered to trust her, I told her I trust you and thank you.
Now, I'm meeting her again next month. I really don't know what to expect this time. Where's our relationship at and what should I do? I know I now need to convince her I'm as good as she thinks I am, but how? I've started to become more caring and give her more attention, up to the point she felt I'd become too protective and possessive.
I have asked her again to commit but she's still not ready, she said I need to convince her, because all I've said hasn't come true. Well, in my defense, I only had a week and it's very hard to do anything when I'm in another country 6,000 miles away. We've talked about wedding plans again now, though, and our families know about us; it would be really disappointing for me if I "take the plunge" and things don't turn out well. At the moment, I'm very much in love with her and have a lot of hope that things will work out somehow.
So, should I stay back and wait for her move/commitment, or trust her completely and be positive about everything?
Thanks to all who've read this far. Even if I don't get any replies I'm more relieved now I've shared my story. And, um, yeah, any tips, opinions? :P Btw, I really don't want to move on at the moment and am determined to make this work..
|11-14-2011, 08:01 PM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: I'm in the good ol' USA "Maryland"
Wow,...I feel there is a communication problem here. There's a lot of "talk"... but there's NO action behide it... BECAUSE she, I feel, doesn't know what she wants...It's NO wonder your're confused.
You both have a special relationship that goes way back...and I feel, she's having a problem crossing over...
She feels very secure in your "friendship" She doesn't want to lose that...and if you both get romantically involved...She doesn't have her "pal" or "buddy" to talk to about it because it's YOU.
If it's her, you want, your going to have to sit her down...And say, I can't do this to myself anymore, it's driving me crazy... We either take risk on this relationship (and find out now, if we love each other) or get on with our lifes...
You are going to have to set boundiars with her... You now, love her...and now I'm sure you don't wont to hear about her "boyfriends"
YOUR relationship with her has changed for you...to me your're going to have to break the "friendship" bond to get her to wake up....
Maybe someone else here can see what I'm seeing....
She already knows how you feel. You are waiting on her.
|11-16-2011, 09:16 PM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2011
Thanks so much Kait.
I think you're absolutely right there. We need to actually start doing something meaningful for each other instead of just 'talking' about it. I really should completely break that 'friendship' bond, give her more attention and treat her as my actual romantic interest; it's going to be awkward sometimes but it seems the best way to go. Being in different countries doesn't help, but next time I see her on Christmas I'm going to sit her down and decide ourselves about our relationship
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