There's this girl..

[AshNZ]

I saw my dad's friend's daughter about two years ago. Over the past two years I saw her about once a month but every time I saw her I started to like her a wee bit more but I couldn't really approach her cos of mine and her family always being around. Both of our families are fairly conservative. I'm 24 and she is 22 so both fairly young and inexperienced.

About a month ago I searched and added her on Facebook. We immediately hit off with she initiating the actual contact first. She commented on my pictures and I did on her and we always exchanged awesome, funny, energetic comments. From then I then sent her a private message and told her to text me so we didn't have to rely on Facebook.

Same day she texted me and after initial awkwardness we got into stride and have been texting (mostly funny, energetic) for about a week. She has been texting me back usually within 15mins after I text her and if I go through her texts there are "lols" "haha" and smileys in just about every text she has sent me. So I know shes having fun. She even subtly inquired about my girlfriend (her words "you should ask your girlfriend, if you have one lol").

Just to give you depth of our conversations, in one funny conversation I asked her (via text) what she was cooking me for dinner that night she replied blah blah and then asked me to come clean her room first. Then we joked about how I could sneak into her room without her family finding out. That night we literally texted until we fell asleep. I slept like a baby that night

So to take it a step further, last night I asked her when would be a good time to call her (for the first time) and asked her what time her class finished tomorrow. She didn't reply right away and I thought I had made a mistake by asking it too quickly. I went to sleep then she texted that her class finished at 12 with no mention of me calling her. I really sensed hesitation in her message so in the morning I made up a story that I was going to call her during lunch but a friend asked for a lunch together so I won't have time to call her today. She replied "ok thats fine, have a nice day :-)"

Not sure where I stood with her and paralyzed by uncertainty, I sent her a quick text (to test waters) in aftrenoon inquiring something random ("whats name of the movie in which blah blah"). Again she replied quickly with the answer so that made me feel a little better.

And that was our last text conversation. I guess my question is, do you think there is something going on or is she just being friendly? I know that she is a friendly girl and popular too. But I already told her I wanted to talk to her but after her apparent hesitation I feel kinda stupid :-\..

What should be my next step? I think I might just hang around a bit and build come more comfort and ask her for lunch with text. Also, with texting, she never texts me first even after I told her to "text me when she is free". But when I text her first she is responsive and seems happy to text me..? She even told me "text me anytime, I'm usually free".. If shes free then why wont she text me first? Is it normal for girls?

I personally think she likes me but wants to take it slowly. But that would just be my wish .. So I could really do with some unbiased prespective on the situation..

Would love your comments. I will probably see her again tomorrow along with her family.. First time since we've been texting so should be interesting tomorrow

[butterflyeffect]

Hey Ash,

Im a 22 year old girl living, also young relatively inexperienced and from a conservative family. So maybe I can help get inside her head a little.

Its sounds like you really like her and obviously you have been getting to know her for a while. Being family friends may make it a little more complicated, because there is that whole extra dynamic to consider, parents, syblings etc would be more involved I guess, knowing both parties, could make it feel extra intimate before anything even happens.

As a girl, I rarely text guys, I like being chased and responding to their texts.. Most of my friends are the same. If I have to text them alot then its a friendship. I would have probably done the same thing about a phone call. Its just that bit scarier. I wouldn't see that as a rejection, rather "just not yet."

My advice is that your doing really well and it sounds like its all unfolding naturally. Ask her to lunch at a specific place and day near her Uni and then treat her and hang out. Keep it simple and low key. No pressure or annoying waiters and then take it from there.

Good luck!! Keep me updated!

xx

[ZannityZan]

It sounds like she's interested (I certainly wouldn't stay up late talking to a guy I wasn't interested in in any way at all), but might want to take things slow, perhaps due to a past hurt, or being slightly afraid of things getting more serious between you, or just being unsure as to how much she likes you and in exactly what way and being worried about hurting you/leading you on too much by being like, "Sure, call me at __ pm!". Oooor she could be just as interested as you as you are in her, but want to "play hard to get" or keep you guessing. That seems unlikely given that it sounds like she's pretty open and receptive the rest of the time, though.

Alternatively, it could just be that because you like her, you're more sensitive to slight changes in her behaviour, and hence saw hesitation where there was none. She might have been busy at the time, and as a fellow female, I can well imagine a girl thinking, "Gah, I don't have time to formulate the perfect response, but if I don't reply, he might think I'm ignoring him!"

Anyway, my point is... there could be lots of explanations! Communication that's not face-to-face can be riddled with uncertainties and misunderstandings. She seems keen overall... I wouldn't let this incident deter you. See how she behaves with you tomorrow in person, as that's a much stronger base for figuring out what's going on in her head than the written word Also, it sounds like you guys are enjoying a fun, flirtatious dynamic for the most part, so just relax and see where it takes you, and try not to think about it tooooo much

I hope I helped!!

[Fred Tracy]

Hah Ash, your story is really cute. As a general rule, I try to avoid texting as much as possible. Girls will string you along forever with that.

But then again, I'm trying to come up with an efficient system for meeting a large number of women. If you're really into this one girl, it's perfectly reasonable that you guys are talking for long periods of time via text. But don't be afraid to call at any time.

And don't even ask, just do it. As long as it's not like 3 AM or something absurd, just call her. I know you'll be nervous, but you can do it. It seemed like she really likes you.

[Criseyde]

Call her!!

The best part about calling is... well, the best part about calling is that it's really fun and more effective than texting -- you can say more, laugh together, and just generally get a better connection. And the second best part is that you don't have all these weird missteps and second guesses that text conversations can bring.

[AshNZ]

Thanks everyone for replies. Few interesting comments from everyone.

I must admit it is a bit of an old school love story. Today I tried to play it cool and didn't text her, but what do you know.. She texts me first for the first time in the afternoon now I am pretty convinced that she likes me or atleast is thinking about me. My plan is to ask for a low key lunch near her uni (was always my plan and thats why I wanted to call her). I would love to call her cos that will clear things up a bit because as you said, it is quite easy to misinterpret texts. Will probably call her during the week. She seems to be keen on being patient and by nature I am the impatient one so bit of a learning curve for me haha

[AshNZ]

Update on this: we went for a lunch together today and it was largely her idea that we do this. I picked her up from work, had lunch, did some shopping and finally had a coffee together. It was really fun, although it wasn't as flirty as we are on texts but still it was good. At the end, she suggested that we drive to her best friend's workplace and from there she would catch a ride home with her (and ofcourse gossip about the date lol). She even introduced me to her but I must admit, it was awkward. I almost wish she hadnt introduced me!

Now my question is, we havnt actually said "I really like you (romantically)". I think it is pretty obvious now that we like each other but how do I break the barrier of actually making it known to her?

[tomtomtom]

Well you dont actually say it you just do it. Try n hook up with her and if that works then no ackward words need to be exchanged

[butterflyeffect]

Yah!! Glad its all going so well xx

[AshNZ]

This, sadly has gone kinda downhill. After first few "dates", it got serious and I told her how I felt because I felt I had to be honest with her. She told me she was shocked (really??) and didn't know what to say. I reckon she's just confused and/or too scared of getting serious. She acted distant all weekend and told me she'll text me back.. 4 days on she hasn't texted and I sort of feel like a big moron. Think I might have lost her as a friend. I can and will move on but I get the feeling that I've somehow hurt her in the whole process and that really bothers me. Last thing I want to do is hurt her, or for that matter, anyone else.. I almost get the feeling that I've somehow let her down and that really makes me wish Mike Tyson would knock the ♥♥♥♥ out of me for being so stupid. I can live with knowing that she doesn't like me but I can't live with knowing that I hurt someone who was so nice to me or someone who I could have had a great friendship with. She wouldn't talk to me so I can't get a clearer picture with her or any sort of closure. I will also continue to see her as usual during family gatherings, BBQs (next one on Christmas day). Boy that'd be awkward.

Past week has been a big test of my emotional coping skills and fair to say I've struggled fair bit. Unable to concentrate on work, don't feel like eating or doing anything and most days I sleep at 8.30 - 9 pm cos I prefer that to staying up and thinking about all this. Even then I wake up in the middle of the night cos I've slept too much lol and then some more agony follows until I fall asleep again!! Haven't quite had such blues before :-|

[butterflyeffect]

People come into your life for a reason - YouTube
A nice youtube meditation on letting go that you may find helpful.

Im sorry it didn't work out but at least you tried. Thats what counts.

xx

[AshNZ]

Thank you, I really appriciate your help during this time.

[AllTogetherNow]

After first few "dates", it got serious

to my way of thinking, that right there is the entire problem. I.E.-

i've noticed that some people jump to this WAY too fast, and it can put off the other person, who is moving at a more easygoing pace, just enjoying getting to know you better.

if i had dated a guy only a few times i'd also think he was way off-base (and to be honest, a little creepy) to declare he's 'serious' about me -- how can he possibly be serious when he doesn't even KNOW me yet? I could not help but wonder if he's more interested in the idea of "having a girlfriend" then he is about me specifically - cause you hardly know someone after spending a sum total of, what - maybe 12 hours together? -- never mind know them well enough to declare you're 'serious' about them.

i realize there are all kinds of 'instant connections' and even 'love at first sight' -- but generally speaking, in my personal opinion it's not possible to be 'serious' after only a few dates, because you have NO idea who the person really is, on the inside. all you know about each other at that point is the surface stuff -

of course i can't speak for others - but for me, when a guy i barely know starts that 'serious' stuff, it's a giant red flag for me, and i immediately want to run the other way -- not cause i'm scared, nor have they hurt me - i just have no interest in that kind of emotional imbalance. it's very difficult to be 'free and easy' with someone when you know they want something from you that you're not ready for; being in their presence can be overwhelming. you can sometimes just sense that you're not 'giving them what they want', and they are always just 'waiting for you to be ready'. Major vibes killer!

-- if that 'too serious too fast' vibe is already present, very early on, i already know i am going no further with that person. Am just not interested in all that 'heavy' shyte at the very beginning of a relationship.

so - imho this is more learning curve for you -- to slow your roll. Enjoy dating and hanging out, take pleasure in 'getting to know you' without pushing towards any 'end goal'; allow it to proceed organically, keep it light, enjoy it, and let the feelings grow.... they will if they are meant to.

.

[AshNZ]

Yes, that's what I was thinking but there is so much conflicting info on the internet and in books that you just don't know. In the hindsight, yes what you said is right but I also know what other contrary ideas were in my mind before so I am trying to avoid beating myself over it. Lesson learned though, tough one to take but a lesson nonethless. Time to refocus on other things for me.

[Fred Tracy]

Don't sweat it, dude. This is happened millions of times, and will continue to happen. Guy falls for girl, girl doesn't like I quite as much, guy tells girl, girl gets scared. No one was seriously hurt this. Both you and her will be just fine. Don't lose any sleep over this one.