Hard to Say "No"

[rawxstasy]

I"m having a problem with my husband. We have been seperated for five years- I keep telling myself I will do the divorce. Lately my soon to be ex has been asking to borrow money. I don't even consider this borrowing because I know I won't see the money again. I am so frustrated because I want to tell him "no" but I just can't. I end up giving him money.

Two weeks ago I gave him $500 because he couldn't make the rent and now he's asking for $100 because he's got $3 on him - he says.

I don't dare tell my mom and my kids that I gave him this money, they would be so mad at me. I've told him to go to social services and get some assistance with rent and food. So far he hasn't done it.

I almost didn't make it through nursing school because of his abuse. He also lies, is an alcoholic and cheats me every chance he gets. He almost killed my dog by starvation. And I STILL help him... what is wrong with me??? And how can I stop this?

[Traikan]

I think visualizing will prove really helpful here.

Picture yourself saying no to him, starting with ludicrous requests. If he asked you for $100,000, it would be really easy to say no, right? What about $10,000? $1,000? Where's the line where you start being able to justify it?

Push that line down to the ground. Imagine yourself saying no to giving him a single dollar. Not one. Keep at it until saying no becomes an automatic response instead of a decision.

[butterflyeffect]

Oh dear, that sounds tricky. I can see why you would want to give him the money. When I do things like this, its often to get rid of said person and relieve my own angst surrounding their presence.

Maybe start working out ways to limit him having access to you and your money? I.e. enlist someone for support when your around him. Not carry more than X amount in cash and hide your bank cards so he can't use them.

xx

[C33]

Just tell him you are broke and saving for your children's future.

I like the idea of the automatic, broken record reply. I'm broke could be a nice tune.

Also, it helps to say: No for smaller things. For example, make sure that, at the beginning of the interaction you say: "no" to a small thing he wants or suggests - like going to a certain place, borrowing something, etc...

As suggested by others, having as little contact as possible helps, as well as not being available over the phone or face to face. Become very busy. I know it must be tricky, especially since you might see giving him money as a way to keep him calm to sign divorce papers.

I hope you finalise things very soon and the time dealing with him is minimised. I assume you have to remain in good terms for the sake of the children.

[rawxstasy]

Well I actually don't have any children with him. Thank God! But I am trying to have as little contact as possible. I am thinking of changing my phone number. He can still contact me through email.

[butterflyeffect]

Does he need to be able to still contact you? If not, then you could mark him as a spammer so his emails go straight to junk mail. Changing phone numbers is a brilliant idea!!

[C33]

I'm confused: are you finalising a divorce with him? Are you still in love with the guy, which is hard for you to say no and end things? Is the divorce at your instigation or is he the one who wants it? How long until you are legally divorced? Do you still have financials ties with him? Shared property, loans, etc...
Who will benefit from the divorce financially?
Can he still control the process of the divorce? Can he make it stall?

Do you have to pay him an alimony since he has financial difficulties?

Are there any reasons other than emotional ones, why you have to be in contact with him at all?

If not, the guy is just a bad habit. It looks like the relationship dynamics were that you were the victim and rescuer and he was the person with abusive personality and emotional/financial problems.

The more in contact you'll be, the more the old dynamics will drag you into guilt actions.

If you can change telephone numbers, and free yourself from the constant calling, then that would be great. If you can block his email address, or find a way to fake an automated email response that says this mailbox is full, even better.
I did that with a friend who was constantly sending me chain mails. She was not very computer smart so I knew she wouldn't know the difference between a true automated email and a fake one. I replied to her with some text stating my mailbox didn't accept chainmails and her emails were automatically deleted upon receipt. She never ever sent me chainmails anymore, and I never had to have a conversation with her about the subject, because she thought the system bounced her emails automatically.

[Marger]

Why do you think you are helping him by giving him money? Wouldn't it be far more helpful for him to follow a path to self sustainance? A financial umbillical cord doesn't help him grow as a person, it feeds his worst habits. It's like succesfully kicking a wild wolf out of your house and then throwing a fresh steak into the backyard each day. The wolf will never leave and find his own path.

As for the why: giving money may give you a sense of power over him, turning the tables, so to speak.

You need to let him go. Not just the abuse, lying and cheating. You also need to let go of any feelings you may have had for him at some point, and you need to let go of any need for revenge. As long as you (subconsciously) try to get power of him, you remain attached.

Cut all cords. Get that divorce now, not next week (becoming next month and next year). Cut all communication with him from your life. Write down all the lessons you have learned and can yet learn from this relationship and move on with your life. It's the best thing you can do for yourself, for him and for karma.

[FelineNostalgia]

See these things are always complicated. Need more info on how you feel about him, when he asks for help, how do you feel , for example are you scared of him or do you feel powerless around him. I know this is probably quite heavy...

My mum was with someone who 'borrowed' and stole money off her all the time and once I caught him looking round my room 'for a towel'. Though this was different because she would have seen the back of him as soon as possible had it not been for my brother she had with him, point being it was so draining for her!

[abcbac]

Don't help him . It is obvious that he does not appreciate you. Ditch him.

[rawxstasy]

Thanks for the responses.

I have been seperated from him for five years. I always used the excuse that I didn't have the money to divorce him but I think I was really just afraid to be single. It was safer to stay married.

I'm not in love with him anymore. But I feel sorry for him. Our marriage was codependent. I worked and went to school, he stayed home and watched tv. We don't have any assets anymore. We had to file for bankruptcy about four years ago. So there is no benefit financially for either us. I guess it would benefit me in case he gets another DUI and possibly injures someone. After not having money for many years I now have a really good paying job and want to protect what I worked so hard for.

I talked to him today. I found out he got fired from his job two weeks ago. He's giving me a sob story about all the bills he has etc. Then he's asking me about Wisconsin which is where I moved to get away from him. I'm afraid now he's going to try to come here to latch back onto me.

I just found a good divorce attorney. I decided to do the divorce asap, get a restraining order against him and get a new phone number. Just completely cut off contact.

[C33]

Good for you! It must not be easy, but you deserve peace of mind and a fresh start.

I think the fact that you got away from him and started from scratch show that you have the means to protect and honor yourself.

Also, having him out of your life will do wonder for your energy. It will open the door for someone new ans compatible.

Best of luck.

[SireneB]

Good move. Cutting that connection to him will make it easier to say "no".

I was in a similar situation (though never married). When in a crunch he would always call me and talk me into things. The first time I said "no" was one night when I had a horrible experience at work, had gone out for drinks after, walked in the door and the phone rang - a collect call, asking me to bail him out of jail. He could not believe that I said "no", and kept begging, arguing, wheedling, etc, and I kept saying no. After that first time, it became much easier. Kind of like a muscle you need to strengthen in order to be able to use it.

[ssandra]

Have you tried cutting cords?

It seems there is still a lot of emotional attachment going on, which is normal after having been married to someone, especially in abusive situations.

The easiest way is to sit in a chair, put another empty chair in front of you, and close your eyes.

Imagine your ex sitting in front of you. Now imagine all the lines that go from him to you and you to him.

Imagine in your hands huge big scissors, and cut those cords. It won't hurt anyone. In fact, it will benefit both you and him, because you are giving him back what belongs to him and taking back what belongs to you.

Sit for a bit, with your eyes closed and imagine a shield around you. Any cords that come from him, cannot penetrate that shield.

Open your eyes, and notice how different you feel.

(of course, if your intention is to recreate those cords, it will happen. So, there is the physical aspect of really getting a divorce and not lending him more money. But it will be a lot easier after this exercise).

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

I just found a good divorce attorney. I decided to do the divorce asap, get a restraining order against him and get a new phone number. Just completely cut off contact.

Great news! This is the best thing you could be doing under the circumstances. Psychologically it will benefit you a lot as well, and you may find that you're less inclined to bail him out financially when he's no longer your "husband".

[scotthegeek]

Logic and emotion seldom co-operated with each other as I'm finding out with dating, try not being to hard on yourself. I want so much to be love I tend to bend over backwards even when logic says its a bad choice.

I know we are both very bright and understand the logic of saying no but there is a fear that comes up that get in the way. Think of it as an opportunity to grow.

hugs

Scott