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11-10-2011, 05:57 AM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 8
 |  Why I love him soooo much ?
There is this person i met online and fell in love with.... He lied to me about his identity for about 4 months.... But he proposed to me , then he left me alone, and now that he is back, he apologized and told me truth everything about himself, he even confessed he had this feeling that if i knew real him then i would have not loved him, (i think he had lack of confidence) and that he could lie no more to me as he really loved me. I know its strange and stupid, and he says he loves me now also and that his feelings were and are true.... I love him so much, I forgave him for the lies but now there is commitment problem, he feels he cannot think of settling down for atleast 3 yrs and so he is reluctant to promise anything to me... he says he is with me but he want me to be happy with him or without him, means there are chances that i have to live without him...may be 10-20% but there are chances. .. I am not able to cope up. I dont know why I feel his love so much that I cant stop myself from loving him... I feel deep inside something that tells me that I have to be with him, And not just because I love him, but something more deeper than that... may be I feel something bad is going to happen to him and I have to be with him and support him, and If I stay with him what about those 10-20% chance of him leaving me... I am feeling so insecure.... Please give ur views... thank you for reading it through.....
Last edited by amydreams; 11-10-2011 at 06:00 AM. |
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11-10-2011, 06:02 AM
| #2 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 6,439
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11-10-2011, 07:34 AM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 8
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I think yes, i have been doing this for my ex... but he needed it i could see that... but this person its different, he does not need but i feel he will be needing... and this feeling that he will need me is so strong i m not able to control myself but be with him... its not that he does not make me happy he does care for me and things r on equal footing other than the fact that he is not yet seeming to be ready to commit... and i am starting to feel insecure... and worst part is its started to hurdle my communication with him though he tries to figure out giving enough time to me we end up from where we started...
Last edited by amydreams; 11-10-2011 at 07:37 AM. |
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11-10-2011, 10:05 AM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Barleylands, United Kingdom
Posts: 1,257
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The question is what you really want from a relationship with a man? Are you okay with him lying to you? Are you okay with him proposing to you and then leaving you? Are you okay with him coming back and saying he's not ready to commit? It's your choice whether you accept all this behavior or not, but in case you decide to accept it, don't do it based on hopes that he will change, because that's the classic recipe for a disaster. To be honest, a guy who proposes to a girl, then disappears and then appears again and says he isn't ready to commit signals emotionally/mentally unstable to me. Assuming it's important for you to feel secure in a relationship, how can you do that when you're with someone like that? I also agree that the rescuer pattern isn't healthy and might cause you a lot of suffering. You know what usually happens to women who are caught in this pattern? They find themselves a guy with serious problems, then stays in abusive relationship for years, believing that a guy can't cope without them, then guy dumps them. At that point, they don't have friends or career, they don't have money and their health is destroyed. Why? They've spent all of their energy helping a person who doesn't need or want their help in the first place. Assuming that doesn't look like a desirable scenario to you, don't act on this pattern. Women often tend to get into this pattern because of their motherly instinct which they unconsciously project on men they are with. They believe these men can't cope without them and that they will fix these guys. Men usually are not impressed by women trying to fix them and they definitely lose attraction for a woman who's acting like a mother, not like a lover. Realize that you're not his mother. He's a grown man, give him some credit, he can cope with his problems himself if he wants to and in case he's not trying to do anything about them, it's most likely that he doesn't want to. You can't make a man change, they can only change when they want to change for themselves, but are you willing to wait for a boy to grow up? Wouldn't it make sense to find a man who wants the same from relationships as you do? You have to be honest with yourself and take your desires seriously. In case what you want is a committed relationship, then don't settle for a guy who's not ready to commit. He has a right to do whatever he wants, doesn't mean you need to be with him and wait until he grows up. Don't try to fix him. Simply acknowledge your needs and find a more compatible man. |
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11-10-2011, 10:16 AM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
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Whenever I used to get caught up in rescuing boyfriends...ages ago when I was about 19-20, I would come to the realization that I needed to look at myself, and I was the one who needed rescuing. I needed to rescue myself. Maybe you need to look at your own issues and let them work theirs out. This guy doesn't sound right for you. You can convince yourself otherwise, but I think deep down you know it's true. Do you think you are worth better than being lied to, then proposed to, then abandoned, then committed to...all in the space of a few months? Doesn't that sound a little off to you? |
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11-10-2011, 10:27 AM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 8
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Thank you Agota.. and elucidate, i appreciate your views..... deep down i know these.... But I love him... This feeling does not go... thats what i want... If he does not stop me I need to move on.... But how.... I dont know.... |
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11-10-2011, 10:37 AM
| #7 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
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What would happen if he did leave you? Would the world end? | |
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11-10-2011, 12:03 PM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 8
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I feel its love... He s got some family issues and his career is not yet set he is still in his last yr of college... where as i m already earning....I feel this is creating some blocks... But at the end of the day he needs me and i need him.. He even tells me that he himself wana leave his home then how can he marry me and keep there... He finds it hell.... I feel my trust was shaken for a while that s why I felt like asking out guidance.... Also Its his 1st relationship and he really does not knw how to handle things... and being longdistance and online is what make things worse... But If he understands and takes things a bit positively and gives little efforts then everything can be worked out... So basically before considering to end things... which is going to be painful for both ofcourse i think more for me... I want to try and make him understand that everything can be worked out well if we manage things well ...
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11-10-2011, 12:58 PM
| #10 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 12,751
| Quote:
It makes more sense now that he kept changing his mind and acting like he doesn't know what he wants. If he's never been with anyone before, then of course he will act crazy. I'm guessing you are quite young yourself? Perhaps 18-19? It's up to you sister. | |
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11-10-2011, 02:54 PM
| #11 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 149
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Well 1st relationship makes ppl do wierd things I agree... I think specially when a guy want feels too much he just does not understand what he feels... and how he shall deal with it... Last edited by Ishh; 11-10-2011 at 02:57 PM. |
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11-10-2011, 03:22 PM
| #12 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 8
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I am sorry I missed it... actually its all messed up in my mind... age wise I am 24 and he is 23....But yes its his first relationship... He has had girls approach him but he turned them down always... He also admired a girl in his school who was just like me (as he tells me) and for time till it was 6 yrs till when they went to their own ways he could not tell her... and now she is married to someone else since 2 yrs... well he told me he felt so much of connection with me and already he had told some lies and he felt if he would tell me truth i would leave him so he kept saying lies he told me he just could not manage it.... He just did not know what to do... So he just went away in confusion... But he felt so much love and later on so much guilt that he had to come back and win me... He really apologized.... And he really wants this relationship... I feel just he needs to learn some relationship skills... lol... I feel he needs to understand that in relationship he needs to give equal support... So I would like to be with him and understand him and help him understand ... I feel we are made for each other... So it will be fine once he would be clear in his mind and a bit more confident career wise..... So shall I just drop this all commitment issue and try to make him forget it too... Then how shall i do that .. I mean I will not bring up this issue till I feel he can handle... But how to make him understand that we shall live in present (though I am craving commitment... But i feel he is right person so I feel I shall wait).... I just wana know and take just right steps so that I can maintain this relationship... Its dear to both of us..... It being long distance is another hurdle atleast 1 yr till he completes his course we hav to be where we are then he might go to some it city for job purpose I can have scope of taking up job in same city then we can work out rest of the things.... Please give me suggetions... All are welcome... any guidance and insight is appreciated....Thank You....
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11-10-2011, 03:33 PM
| #13 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: ohio
Posts: 345
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11-10-2011, 04:03 PM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 183
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It sounds to me like this relationship is based more on fantasy projections, than day to day actual face to face interaction. While it's exciting, it's also most likely mostly illusion. Especially considering the first few months were fabricated on his side. I've gotten emotionally involved over the internet before. Looking back, there was almost no reality involved, other than just having someone to talk to. I thought I was "in love". I was. I was in love with my projections of perfection, with just a touch of non-perfection to make it seem authentic. I'm not saying this couldn't turn into something lasting. That can only be determined when the connection turns into day to day living. Daily living intimacy are the conversations you're going to have about things like squeezing toothpaste tubes and toilet seat position. |
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11-10-2011, 04:44 PM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 717
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The guy sounds creepy. I would steer clear if I were you. I know you probably won't do that, because most people obey their emotions before their rationality, but really, he sounds unstable. Don't you want someone who is already authentic and confident? Why waste your time. |
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