I'm 23 and I'm surrounded by people who are making commitments

[Laurenaus]

Hi everyone,
I'm 23 years old and all of a sudden I'm seeing friends from high school getting married, engaged, and even having kids. Even if my former classmates aren't doing so they are telling me they'd like to within the next couple years..I can't see myself even doing it in 2 years!!! I don't feel like I have to do what everyone is doing but it's making me a little uncomfortable. I know that women have to be aware of this biological clock which is quite annoying..because I feel like it influences women to rush and maybe even choose a partner that isn't all that compatible to them, just so they can have children.


I just spoke to a very close friend today who was saying yeah..I'm finishing up law school in six months..will be working and I'm ready to get married..soon. It kind of freaked me out. I don't live in the midwest or the south..I live in Southern California and this is happening all around me!!! I don't even hav ea droplet of desire to get married or have kids or maybe even ever have kids?? because I have such a strong need to explore explore explore (I'm an Idealist ENFP). I think relationships are beautiful and sometimes I long to be in one and I HAVE been in serious relationships but I don't feel like putting my roots down. There's just SO MUCH to see and do in this world!!!! Also marriage seems like such a crapshoot..I think someone said it best when they said, if marriage was a product nobody would buy it being that it has a 50% failure rate.

Sometimes I worry that because of this mildly selfish explorer personality that I may miss the boat, and miss a nice opportunity to meet a nice man and have the 2.5 children and that I may wind up alone...but wait is that truly so bad or is that how society makes it seem? O an older woman who's alone..she must be bitter and living with 9 cats..

I wanna live the adventure damnit!!!

Is anyone going through this or has gone through this and can relate? Also spiritual answers are welcome.

Thanks

[OptimistPrime]

Heh, I've known people who didn't settle down with someone until they were in their 60s, so, anecdotally speaking, I wouldn't worry about that.

As for having children, my view is that there are plenty of ways to experience the joys of child-rearing without having to get married and give birth to your own biological kids. It's simply a matter of being creative and thinking outside the box.

[Criseyde]

Me! I'm 22 and one of my oldest friends just had a baby last night. I could have written your OP. I can't even imagine settling down here and now. I don't want to have kids, either. I think that makes it easier. I guess sometimes I do worry about never being able to really experience love, but then I come to my senses and realize that I probably wouldn't be happy with a guy who just wanted to live in one place and have jobs and make babies. Not that it's wrong to do that, it's just not my cuppa.

[Philemon]

I have the same personality type as you. I've watched time and time again as friends make THE commitment, even been around to see it fall apart sometimes.

My advice: Trust your intuition. Don't worry. 23? you still have at least 10 good years if you change your mind and decide you want kids.

People used to ask me if I wanted kids. I'd say, "How can I say I want to have kids if I don't even have a wife?"

They'd ask, do you ever want to get married? I'd say, "How can I say I want to get married if I haven't met a woman yet who has made me feel that way?"

My mother once told me she was worried I'd never get married. She thought I was going to be "one of those" single, depressed, 30-somethings. After reassuring her everything would be fine, showing a bit of kindness to her feelings, I had a good laugh to myself. How absurd

So now this story - 28 now, not engaged, yet, but in a very serious relationship. Loving it! Happy. Moving in together soon. That will be a first. Would be happy just fine on the journey alone, EXPLORING! But things changed. I met someone. And when you feel, you feel, you know? We've talked about having a kid, maybe, but not on the list of priorities now. She already has three Never expected to find myself here. But I'm here, I'm happy, it's awesome!

Live the adventure, damnit! It will lead where it will lead. It has to feel good, feel right to you. You will know IF it's time. Screw social norms, and especially screw acting in accordance with them.

[Fred Tracy]

Lol, I've recently written an article about how I don't want any commitment whatsoever – I don't even engage in monogamous, boyfriend-girlfriend type relationships anymore.

I'm all about moving my lifestyle to something that's mobile it will allow me to travel the world and be as free as possible.

I'm also 23.

[frosting]

I'm also 23, and heck a couple years ago at 20, 21 felt that way. Everybody around me was popping out kids. It seemed that me being childless people got "jealous" and i was pushed out of that social circle at the time since well, I didn't have a baby I couldn't possibly fit in me. *ohgivemeabreak*

I still feel that way depending who the company around me is. So many guys want kids, want to settle down, ect ect What kills me is I wouldn't mind settling down but not sure I ever want kids. At least I don't see myself finding *the one* who will change my mind. I'm convinced whoever he is died before I could meet him. Melodramatic I know but just the way things go hehe. While I'm a bit ashamed the truth is I can barley take care of myself. At the point I'm at I see it as wrong to have a child when you can't 100% support yourself. I mean, logical pondering here, How would a child get all they deserve? Hard for me wrap my head around all the people in my peer group wanting it so soon. Personally it seems as if society has been drilling into some. Just a shoot in the dark but "Teen Mom"(and shows like it) for example. I know that show is suppose to show people why they should WAIT, but I think it's having the opposite effect on some to hurry up and get their lives moving. Almost seems like a nudge nudge wink wink " Look, those teenagers are pulling it off forget we are also paying them 60,000 a year, but hey you should be able to do it as a young adult when they've managed as teens!" Just a theory.

[C33]

I guess sometimes I do worry about never being able to really experience love, but then I come to my senses and realize that I probably wouldn't be happy with a guy who just wanted to live in one place and have jobs and make babies.

Completely understand that feeling. I am constitutionally incapable of being with an ordinary guy. What people sell you as stability, security, love and comfort can be your prison for the rest of your life...

Live the adventure, damnit! It will lead where it will lead. It has to feel good, feel right to you. You will know IF it's time. Screw social norms, and especially screw acting in accordance with them

Yes, good one! Laurenau live the adventure and see what happens. You will regret more the adventures you never had then the ones that disappointed you in the end.

Also, there are loads of families raising children while travelling the world, or having alternative lifestyles. Of course, you never hear about these people, and you'll always have the stuck people with their sedentary lifestyles stick the finger at children not going to school and adults refusing to be roped into jobs.

I

know that show is suppose to show people why they should WAIT, but I think it's having the opposite effect on some to hurry up and get their lives moving.

Yeah! Get their lives moving faster towards a dead end!

Being a fulfilled, happy human being is the best recipe to parent happy children. Most anybody can have children, not many people can actually raise happy children.

Laurenaus, I'm almost twice your age, and no I don't have nine cats, now I see the people who made the commitments undo them. The older I get, the more I laugh in the face of people who take me for a tragic figure because I didn't breed on schedule, nor did I marry the "nice" doctor my mother was dreaming about for me. It's not an easy ride, at times, but I refuse to bow down to society's rules. The hell with going out with a normal guy out of fear of being alone, or give up on true love and settle for companionship.

Be happy for those who find their happiness and go after your bliss. Maybe some super awesome guy is around the corner, or more than one guy, and maybe you'll be the gypsy mom of 4 adorable children...or maybe you'll be the seeker and find spiritual fulfillment...

I think that when you find true happiness and true love, there are no rules to follow. Just a wave to ride!

One of my soul friends : a dancer living in N.Y, left it all behind and settled down with the high school sweetheart she had never forgotten, she moved back to her hometown, bought some land, had a baby in her late 30s, none of that was planned. Now, she is happy as a clown, fulfilled and blissful, living off the grid, in her own creative version of sedentary family life...


It's not the recipe, it's the ingredients. Make your own dishy life and forget about using the correct proportions!

[C Brown]

I don't see what everyone is in such a rush for either. I'm 28 and didn't quite experience it with my age group, but a few years younger they are full on ready to jump the gun on getting married and having kids.

I just don't see the need, I mean, why not wait until you are mid 30s to have kids?

All the young people I see having kids and getting married are financially struggling and begging for hand outs from their parents and grandparents. Why couldn't they have waited until they were more financially able.

With some families I think the parents put a lot of pressure on their kids to get married soon and start having their grandchildren. Its like they want grandkids so badly they dont even consider if thats what their kids want for themselves or not. Then when they actually have kids, its somewhat expected for their parents/grandparents to pay since they were the ones pushing them to do it.

My grandparents got married when they were 16 and started having kids, so they think everyone should be doing that. This world has changed a lot since the 30s.

[butterflyeffect]

I am a 22 year old girl and I can totally relate!

I make no secret of my desire to find myself and travel and just explore yet everywhere I look my friends are all about the big commitment...babies.

Alot of my male friends bring up discussions on marriage and ask how many kids I want...at a party or a bar. Or my female friends wax on about how they long to get married to a rich guy or how thier destined to marry their long term boyfriend if only he would propose.

I don't really worry that I'll miss the boat or anything like that. I am just very inward focused at the moment and I believe when the time is right, I can purue building a family. I know I want to have a child at some point just not within the next five years or so.

For me anyway, I don't want a partner to add to my collection of human handbags or anything like that. I want someone who is going to join the adventure of life with me and challenge me and work with me on common goals. As for children, they are such beautiful wonderful creatures with so much potential, I would want to have the priviledge of raising my own child when I have lots to give and share with her. So that I would becoming from a place of love, acceptance and generosity.

[Angelique]

I'm 28 and I still relate to your OP. Before I even made it to 20 I started seeing this.. there have been many questions regarding my choices.

Don't let it faze you. Not everyone is an adventurer. That's what makes you you. Love can happen wherever you go and whenever you feel open to it.

Besides, it's pretty damn sweet to not have to hire a babysitter or check in with anyone if you want to go out. You just get up and go.

[brendannz]

I find with people who have kids, that their kids are a pretty big priority in their lives, and I think having an explorer personality like you describe,

I think you should be the explorer, for at least 2 years or so. Because it would just seem to me, that if you're not exploring now, you'll be regretting it for the rest of your life..

[Moriarty]

Ooohh a teeny-boppers club

[Grandiouse]

At 21-23, I was in my first serious relationship and really thinking about settling down and having kids. We ended up breaking up and it hurt, but I am glad that I chose not have kids. Now, I just turned 25 and a whole bunch of opportunities and doors opened up for me after my relationship. I got to travel, meet new people, and just grow a lot of a person.

I am living in Spain now and will be here for at least 7 more months. I would not be where I am today and have as much freedom to travel or meet new people if I had kids. For me, the thought of kids is something for the future. There is still too much I want to see and learn before I want to be responsible for another life.

[Rezzy7]

I can guarantee some of those people marrying and having kids before age 26 are at some point going to, at least somewhat, regret either marrying, reproducing, or both. And for some it will be more than somewhat, and a few may end up taking out their frustration or resentment on their spouse or child. IMO a lot of couples do not anticipate just how much of their own lives or ambitions they have to completely, absolutely, give up (or put on hold for many years) in order to raise children. It's all about the kid(s) until they leave the nest.

[elucidate]

Being 37 and without kids or husband, I can tell you that there is nothing saying you have to have these things and without them you will be...(gasp)...alone and therefore crazy with 9 cats.

It's not easy, and you will meet with external judgements and confusion...and be treated like there is something wrong with you for not having kids yet, but those people have failed to consider the fact that just because you have a womb, does not mean you have to use it...unless you really want to. When you are ready you are, if you are never ready, then that's ok.

Being able to be alone is a pretty amazing thing, so I definitely wouldn't rush things. We're all told it's the most terrible thing in the world that we should all fear. My mother used to drill that one into me...and now she is living alone in another state after leaving my father 5 years ago, and loving it...she's 68 or something. Pretty brave for a woman her age.

I can almost guarentee that many of your friends having kids and getting married, won't be in that situation a few years from now. Many people in relationships are only in them out of not wanting to be alone. Rezzy said it better than I can right now.

No need to rush, or stress. 23...you're a young lass...enjoy it while you can, and let your friends miss out on their freedom to play out some societal expectations placed on them.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by OptimistPrime

Heh, I've known people who didn't settle down with someone until they were in their 60s, so, anecdotally speaking, I wouldn't worry about that.

As for having children, my view is that there are plenty of ways to experience the joys of child-rearing without having to get married and give birth to your own biological kids. It's simply a matter of being creative and thinking outside the box.

Planting vegies is one way to hone one's mothering instincts.

I also think of my paintings and creative projects as my babies, and technically it is the same energy of nurturing and caring for them, that is utilized.

Adoption is also an option, and a needed one these days.

Nothing wrong with 9 cats either.

[OptimistPrime]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Nothing wrong with 9 cats either.

Yeah, I think the key is to simply avoid behaving like this: The Cat Lady - YouTube