At my wit's end with this person...(Long)

[frosting]

I'm to the point of.... "Tootle Fcukin Lou I Can't Stand You"

Partly just venting I suppose. Also open to insight from others who have been in the same situation. My biggest down-fall in life seems to be I am too nice for my own good. When it comes to friends I care about I tend to have a lot of forgiveness over "little" or not crossing "The Line"( bangs my boyfriend, slaps my mother, steals $700, ect) sort of things. Sorry If I should blog this, It is rather long.

I've been friends with this person about 3 years. In the last 6 months things have been more rocky. Yes my friend has many issues(abused, bipolar, anxiety disorders,on/off drugs abuse), I've typically looked past them and not tried to judge her for it. We all have our issues. For a while even with them, all was fine.

As of late she has very obviously relapsed and due to that in of itself I cut off communication most of the time(when i know). This was said when the friendship started that I do not agree with hard drugs but support her trying to get clean.

Anyhoo, fast forward last Thursday. Its my birthday I'll get hammared if I want to hammmmmmared if I want to!! Just two days before I had written letters to help her out legally(long story and this is long enough). She said she would be seeing me on my B-day really grateful and normal when I gave her the letters. So now I'm at the bar, I'm already hanging out with a couple friends, give her a call to see what's up. She say's she will be on the way. An hour goes by. I call again, Now there is this intense "I got mugged" story going on. I smell BS a bit and the friends I'm hanging out with are getting bad vibes too "Don't believe anything, It sounds like something is up" one told me and the other agreed when my friend finally got there and wanted to talk to me alone outside. The story sounded like hooey to be honest.

Once in the bar she buys me a birthday drink, great. Maybe she's not full of BS after all. I get up to pick up a round of drinks for everybody. I'm a little confused with paying and people getting correct change back so I give the girl(friend who i'm talking about) her money back and get the round for 3 instead of 4.(Not sure if that did it).

Once I get back to our table there's a scene going on. Me and the friends I've been at the bar with are clearly embarrassed. I say "Please don't make a scene on my birthday" and another chimes in " yeah and not at my bar either". Both calmly made comments as she seems like she's going to explode and she does. Looking directly at me making some kind of "Oh ya F you, I buy you a drink and this is what I get??" paraphrased comment. She gets up and leaves. Whatever is my attitude. Wanna be a drama queen? Go for it. It's my B-day I was having a party with or without her.

I get a random text later on in the night. Can't find my phone at the moment so my memory will have to do. I was drunk and didn't comprehend it at the time anyways. Read it the next day. She basically ruined my birthday last year and what can I say I know I should never expect anything of people but there was a part of me hoping she would of been in better spirits this year after what she did.

Before we get into what happened today/yesterday let's say I've done a lot for this person. She's called me a saint for her many times, has said I'm her only true friend left. We've gotten drunk on my dime quite a few times when not at the bar. Rescued her from her house, her parents are seriously demented verbal abusing pieces of.... I've never done her dirty, at least I honestly can't think of anything(I'm really into the whole do onto others as you would want them onto you thinking). When at my home she's welcome to food, drink, whatever. I was raised not to be stingy to guests even if times are tight for the family. So anyways onto what's really sent me over the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ get the hell out of my life edge.

Day after the bar I started getting sick, caught the flu. When you're sick you don't wanna deal with drama(well really nobody ever does). Haven't bothered getting in touch with this person. Yesterday I turn on my phone and get about 4 nasty texts from this person. More or less talking ♥♥♥♥♥ about me, but what pissed me off the most false things about me.
Kinda went like this. *just found phone* some of it was gibberish so I'll make it make sense :

I send you a text, I know you got it since you sit there all day(Umm, No. I do have a life). Thanks for ignoring me, even the new better me she'll take care of you. She will run you dryer then your unboyfriend self. Have fun you lush. Oo I'm the addict? You drink everyday!( No I don't. Drinking on your birthday is acceptable) When you come out of denial I'll be here.

10 mins later..(i was asleep when i got all these)

what about halloween we drink into oblivion( on $15 in my pocket? I wish) Didn't offer anything! after I've spent 100s of dollars on you between gas, drinks, that you can't remember use to hand you 20s( hard to remember what never happened. took me a month to get 10 bucks in gas money. 100s of dollars on me, once again I wish)

You think you're entitled or have you lived under a rock?
----

Just complete and utter BS really. I don't drink often. Maybe in the last month have gone to a bar a little more because I have some friends who do. I have a couple drinks and that's it cause ummm, I have to be responsible and drive. Ahh, anyhoo. Lying to me about ME , after all I've done for this chick I'm just so done. I've been so infuriated with her trying to play games with me or whatever the hell she thinks she's doing I'm just sick of it at this point. Haven't even responded to the texts yet. It will be something along the lines of " My forgiveness is at max, and you have ended this friendship". I've forgiven this person a lot. I've tried to be as understanding as possible with her issues but I just can't take anymore drama. She's going to be crying in a week " I'm sooooooo sorry" and I'm sooooo not going to give a S***.

Oh ya, I still had a kick ass birthday. F**** Fabulous. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. You sir or madam are a trooper.

[Moriarty]

I made it to the end. Your entitled to be pee'd off. Better to vent your anger then to hang onto it. So, what's your next step? To move on and let it lie, or to stew over it a while longer? Or worse still, be sucked back into the drama for another round?

My thoughts....."swallow my dust lovey...i'm outta here!"

[frosting]

I'll be taking my mother's advice...

"It's time to just step back and let the cards fall where they may"

Yes, Moriarty mostly letting it out inside of letting it stew inside. Talking with my mom and a friend the other night helped a lot too. I am completely fed up at this point. There is no excuse for me being the target of her outbursts.

& thanks for making it to the end :P:P

[elucidate]

Helping a friend out who has drug issues, whilst it's all good and nice and very compassionate...it's also asking for drama. People with substance abuse issues are in pain, and they aren't looking at their issues, so drama is like the excitement they can create as a fix if they aren't getting a regular supply of what they are used to.

I've been through it myself, and had so called 'friends' do the same thing to me and make me out to be the bad guy when I'd done plenty of things to extend myself and be helpful when they were going through hardship. All I got in return was rude behavior and kicked out on my arse and made homeless.

It's all lessons though, so maybe yours is to know when to say "I've given you enough, and now you're on your own"...and stand it when they try and make you out to be mean for cutting them off.

[Moriarty]

Originally Posted by frosting

I'll be taking my mother's advice...

"It's time to just step back and let the cards fall where they may"

Yes, Moriarty mostly letting it out inside of letting it stew inside. Talking with my mom and a friend the other night helped a lot too. I am completely fed up at this point. There is no excuse for me being the target of her outbursts.

& thanks for making it to the end :P:P

A mother's great advice. Time to stop being her crutch and allow her her own lessons...harsh as it sounds...there's a no-win situation for you.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Moriarty

A mother's great advice. Time to stop being her crutch and allow her her own lessons...harsh as it sounds...there's a no-win situation for you.

Yep, she won't thank you for it and actually you are enabling her to not get her life together because she knows you'll always be there to fall back on. If you're not there, she's on her own, and that's when she will get her life together. She HAS to.

[frosting]

Originally Posted by Moriarty

A mother's great advice. Time to stop being her crutch and allow her her own lessons...harsh as it sounds...there's a no-win situation for you.

I'm at that point, I agree it feels like a no win. I defiantly didn't think I was being her crutch and if that is in deed the case I sure as hell don't want to be!

Originally Posted by elucidate

Helping a friend out who has drug issues, whilst it's all good and nice and very compassionate...it's also asking for drama. People with substance abuse issues are in pain, and they aren't looking at their issues, so drama is like the excitement they can create as a fix if they aren't getting a regular supply of what they are used to.

I've been through it myself, and had so called 'friends' do the same thing to me and make me out to be the bad guy when I'd done plenty of things to extend myself and be helpful when they were going through hardship. All I got in return was rude behavior and kicked out on my arse and made homeless.

It's all lessons though, so maybe yours is to know when to say "I've given you enough, and now you're on your own"...and stand it when they try and make you out to be mean for cutting them off.

I needed to *hear* that really. I've never had a severe substance issue and typically don't have anything to do with people who do and didn't realize it quite like that.

Originally Posted by elucidate

Yep, she won't thank you for it and actually you are enabling her to not get her life together because she knows you'll always be there to fall back on. If you're not there, she's on her own, and that's when she will get her life together. She HAS to.

I hope she does get better truly. I'm tempted to tell her to contact me when she's a year sober and clean but not sure if that's a good idea. Thing is though is even without me I doubt she'll get herself together. I feel the worst for her daughter I've become an "Auntie" too in the whole situation. Poor kid's father is already dead from an OD and that's not enough to get her to stop. Either way I'm gone. I just have to be "nice" in how I end this all.

She is really off the deep it sounds like, we live close enough she could walk to my house and vandalize my car. That I'm mostly scared of. I really don't have the extra money for repairs right now.

[Moriarty]

Originally Posted by frosting

I hope she does get better truly. I'm tempted to tell her to contact me when she's a year sober and clean but not sure if that's a good idea. Thing is though is even without me I doubt she'll get herself together. I feel the worst for her daughter I've become an "Auntie" too in the whole situation. Poor kid's father is already dead from an OD and that's not enough to get her to stop. Either way I'm gone. I just have to be "nice" in how I end this all.

She is really off the deep it sounds like, we live close enough she could walk to my house and vandalize my car. That I'm mostly scared of. I really don't have the extra money for repairs right now.

I truly understand your concerns. Its a scarey thing. Surely these actions would be a police matter if ever it came to that?

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by frosting

I feel the worst for her daughter I've become an "Auntie" too in the whole situation. Poor kid's father is already dead from an OD and that's not enough to get her to stop.

That frightens me. You might want to make an anonymous call to child protective services, and get them to look in on the situation. I grew up with a crazy mother, rather than an addicted one, but either way, it's a hell of a life for a kid to have a mother who's not all there. It also predisposes the child to addictive behaviour. If someone (not you; you're not going to be able to do much at this stage) intervenes, it may break the cycle, at least for the child.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by ButterflyWoman

That frightens me. You might want to make an anonymous call to child protective services, and get them to look in on the situation. I grew up with a crazy mother, rather than an addicted one, but either way, it's a hell of a life for a kid to have a mother who's not all there. It also predisposes the child to addictive behaviour. If someone (not you; you're not going to be able to do much at this stage) intervenes, it may break the cycle, at least for the child.

I'd second this suggestion.

I still think about the fact that I didn't call child services on this woman I lived with and have them take her daughter into care, because her mother was really unwell and abusing drugs.

I had my fair share of problems going on at the time, and I did what I could, but I couldn't bring myself to call them and have them drag her away from her mother...even though her mother wanted ME to take over being her child's mother so she could run off and start having a life again.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by frosting

I hope she does get better truly. I'm tempted to tell her to contact me when she's a year sober and clean but not sure if that's a good idea. Thing is though is even without me I doubt she'll get herself together. I feel the worst for her daughter I've become an "Auntie" too in the whole situation. Poor kid's father is already dead from an OD and that's not enough to get her to stop. Either way I'm gone. I just have to be "nice" in how I end this all.

She is really off the deep it sounds like, we live close enough she could walk to my house and vandalize my car. That I'm mostly scared of. I really don't have the extra money for repairs right now.

I don't know your friend or her past background and what trauma led to her dependence, or what her story is, so I can't really comment. I think I agree with you though, about how she probably won't get it together. She may just find someone else to leech off once you've left the picture. There's always some other 'sucker'...no offense.

It's tricky, because if you are too nice, she won't take you seriously. If you are not nice about it, then she might take you seriously, but she might also get nasty herself, and target you?

It's unpredictable, so you are right to be concerned for your safety and the safety of your possessions.

Honestly, I would call child services, anonymously of course. Does she have any other friends...so you won't be the only suspect for having called them?

[frosting]

Originally Posted by ButterflyWoman

That frightens me. You might want to make an anonymous call to child protective services, and get them to look in on the situation. I grew up with a crazy mother, rather than an addicted one, but either way, it's a hell of a life for a kid to have a mother who's not all there. It also predisposes the child to addictive behaviour. If someone (not you; you're not going to be able to do much at this stage) intervenes, it may break the cycle, at least for the child.

Right now the child is in a somewhat stable home. The child lives with the grandmother and the mother is in and out. It's like grandma has custody as is. I did write letters to try to help the situation for my friend before all went crazy so she didn't completely lose her custody. Hear me out on this. The letters did NOT say the mother is 100% wonderful, but that she does need help still yet is not abusive and loves her daughter. Which she does, she adores that little girl. The thing is once you loose custody, and with her mother's insanely $$ lawyer I don't see her ever getting her back even if she did change her life around. The letter DID also say more or less, if it came down to it the child would be better off in foster care.

I am still considering calling social services, but there is no such thing as an "anonymous" call these days or at least last i read. For legal purposes or something like that at least in the state of CT. I will look into that to be sure though.

[frosting]

Originally Posted by elucidate

I don't know your friend or her past background and what trauma led to her dependence, or what her story is, so I can't really comment. I think I agree with you though, about how she probably won't get it together. She may just find someone else to leech off once you've left the picture. There's always some other 'sucker'...no offense.

It's tricky, because if you are too nice, she won't take you seriously. If you are not nice about it, then she might take you seriously, but she might also get nasty herself, and target you?

It's unpredictable, so you are right to be concerned for your safety and the safety of your possessions.

Honestly, I would call child services, anonymously of course. Does she have any other friends...so you won't be the only suspect for having called them?

She has said she would rather her daughter be in fostercare then in her mother's home. But, fingers would point to me. I'm one of the few people that has actually even been allowed in their house.

Yes... If i'm too nasty she may target me.... Ugh... I think I'll be firm but not a ♥♥♥♥♥, but in her state of mind it's likely to just come off as ♥♥♥♥♥. Or, I'll just completely ignore her. That might piss her off too.

decisions decisions

[elucidate]

I don't know where CT is, but in Australia anonymous calls are made everywhere, and I don't think the person is even required to show up to any legal proceedings.

It just means that a family services officer will be assigned to visit the persons home and observe the child and the mother and their home, and the behavior and determine whether there is cause for concern...and take it from there.

Maybe it's different where you are?

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by frosting

She has said she would rather her daughter be in fostercare then in her mother's home. But, fingers would point to me. I'm one of the few people that has actually even been allowed in their house.

Yes... If i'm too nasty she may target me.... Ugh... I think I'll be firm but not a ♥♥♥♥♥, but in her state of mind it's likely to just come off as ♥♥♥♥♥. Or, I'll just completely ignore her. That might piss her off too.

decisions decisions

Yeah, I'd really listen to what your intuition and instincts are telling you here. Take as much time as you need to really be sure.

[frosting]

Originally Posted by elucidate

I don't know where CT is, but in Australia anonymous calls are made everywhere, and I don't think the person is even required to show up to any legal proceedings.

It just means that a family services officer will be assigned to visit the persons home and observe the child and the mother and their home, and the behavior and determine whether there is cause for concern...and take it from there.

Maybe it's different where you are?

The twist is family services ARE involved. Grandma puts on a very good show of being mentally stable. Family services visits regularly.


& yes I'm not rushing on how to handle crazypants yet.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by frosting

The twist is family services ARE involved. Grandma puts on a very good show of being mentally stable. Family services visits regularly.

Oh!

That changes things then...quite a lot.

Hmmm, I don't really see much you can do here then? I'm sure you'd love nothing more than to just leave them all alone and relocate, but that might not be practical, and I can see you have some concern for the child at least, so it's a very tricky situation to be in. I don't envy you, and I've been there in my own way. It's hard.

Best of luck though. I do hope it works out for the best for everyone involved, though I can't see it getting better before it gets worse really. Wow, that poor girl, what she is seeing everyday, and absorbing from these people.

I'm not judging the mother in any way btw, I'm sure she isn't a 'bad' person as such, but drugs have a way of changing a persons character, especially when they are 'trying' to come off them.

Reality just bites you at times eh? And we're not even in their reality. I guess for the child it's all just normal...but it's not. Well, I guess it is really. Drug addiction, mental illness...these are all just normal these days.

Anyway, I do need to go to bed now, so hopefully you will find the perfect way to handle this situation in a way where the message gets across, and you are left alone, and hopefully child services see through the grandmother's act...though, they are not all they are cracked up to be either. I've heard some pretty awful stories of failure to do their job in child services...at least in Australia.


*giggle* crazypants. At least your sense of humor is good. That's helpful at times like these.

[frosting]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Oh!

That changes things then...quite a lot.

Hmmm, I don't really see much you can do here then? I'm sure you'd love nothing more than to just leave them all alone and relocate, but that might not be practical, and I can see you have some concern for the child at least, so it's a very tricky situation to be in. I don't envy you, and I've been there in my own way. It's hard.

Best of luck though. I do hope it works out for the best for everyone involved, though I can't see it getting better before it gets worse really. Wow, that poor girl, what she is seeing everyday, and absorbing from these people.

I'm not judging the mother in any way btw, I'm sure she isn't a 'bad' person as such, but drugs have a way of changing a persons character, especially when they are 'trying' to come off them.

Reality just bites you at times eh? And we're not even in their reality. I guess for the child it's all just normal...but it's not. Well, I guess it is really. Drug addiction, mental illness...these are all just normal these days.

Anyway, I do need to go to bed now, so hopefully you will find the perfect way to handle this situation in a way where the message gets across, and you are left alone, and hopefully child services see through the grandmother's act...though, they are not all they are cracked up to be either. I've heard some pretty awful stories of failure to do their job in child services...at least in Australia.


*giggle* crazypants. At least your sense of humor is good. That's helpful at times like these.

Oh its just as bad in the US too when it comes to social services.
*Note to self* May make an anonymous phone call grandma is putting on an act , is a loon, and child should be considered for foster-care placement.

Hehe yes humor is a healer!

Thanks for your words! Good Night

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by frosting

Right now the child is in a somewhat stable home.

Oh, that's a relief, anyway.

Originally Posted by frosting

The thing is once you loose custody, and with her mother's insanely $$ lawyer I don't see her ever getting her back even if she did change her life around.

That may be for the best.

Originally Posted by frosting

The letter DID also say more or less, if it came down to it the child would be better off in foster care.

I take the the grandmother isn't great at this stuff? Dysfunction does run in families.

Originally Posted by frosting

I am still considering calling social services, but there is no such thing as an "anonymous" call these days or at least last i read. For legal purposes or something like that at least in the state of CT. I will look into that to be sure though.

They should be able to keep any information you give them confidential, though.

[frosting]

Originally Posted by ButterflyWoman

Oh, that's a relief, anyway.



They should be able to keep any information you give them confidential, though.

The only issue is it may be "confidential" but it will point to me. I was talking with my mother and she's was all "You should call the police!" then changed her mind "Oh maybe you shouldn't" because of the craziness involved in the situation me reporting something... well it could really backfire on myself.

[ButterflyWoman]

Well, if CPS is already involved, there's not much you can do, anyway. They're making regular visits, and while I appreciate the "grandma can put on a good show" concern (my mother could, too, and she was way mentally unstable), there's not much to be done by you.

As for the situation with your friend, you might want to at least speak to the police about it, so that there's something on record. They won't be able to do anything unless she gets out of line, but there will be a record that shows that you had concerns, etc. Then the cops would be in a better position to make an arrest or assist you in getting a protection order, etc. etc.

Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

[frosting]

Originally Posted by ButterflyWoman

Well, if CPS is already involved, there's not much you can do, anyway. They're making regular visits, and while I appreciate the "grandma can put on a good show" concern (my mother could, too, and she was way mentally unstable), there's not much to be done by you.

As for the situation with your friend, you might want to at least speak to the police about it, so that there's something on record. They won't be able to do anything unless she gets out of line, but there will be a record that shows that you had concerns, etc. Then the cops would be in a better position to make an arrest or assist you in getting a protection order, etc. etc.

Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

I was tempted to to do that but when I thought about it, she's on probation. I'd be more like me reporting a crime then just talking to police. Good chance she'd land in jail at least 1 to 2 years. Maybe that's what she needs, I just don't need any unnecessary drama from a lunatic thinking "their time is up anyways".

I really do wish I could wave a magic wand and help that little girl.

[C33]

Woah, that woman has done a job on you! You sound like you feel powerless against.
She's a drug addict, not much of a threat, and she's on probation...so anything she'll do against you will come bite her in the butt.

The little girl is not your problem, you didn't put her on this earth. Social services will always help the blood family to stay together, even though the family is unhealthy and dysfunctional.

You wrote letters so that your friend could have a chance to see her child, defending her, even though you knew she was in no position to parent that child, nor take good care of her. Sorry, but drug addicts are bad news. There is no such thing as a nice, compassionate drug addict.

You have to stop finding excuses for her being addicted and start finding reasons to get out of the drama. I understand this little girl is a concern, but unfortunately, unless you have custody of her, there is not much you can do.

I think this Birthday incident is the best thing that could have happened to you, as you sound like you were vampirised by this person.

Sadly, kindness, compassion, are not always repaid in kind. This is a very unhealthy friendship. That person is not healthy at all. You should stay away from her dramas or accept that being involved in them will take away your peace.

If you just complain about her but can't get away, then you are hooked on the drama and feeding off of it.

I have, unfortunately, had to deal with people like your friend, and forgiveness and compassion have led to theft, slander, abuse, and no one trusting my word because in the end, it's the crazy maker that people pity and not the person dealing with her/him.

[frosting]

Originally Posted by C33

Woah, that woman has done a job on you! You sound like you feel powerless against.
She's a drug addict, not much of a threat, and she's on probation...so anything she'll do against you will come bite her in the butt.

The little girl is not your problem, you didn't put her on this earth. Social services will always help the blood family to stay together, even though the family is unhealthy and dysfunctional.

You wrote letters so that your friend could have a chance to see her child, defending her, even though you knew she was in no position to parent that child, nor take good care of her. Sorry, but drug addicts are bad news. There is no such thing as a nice, compassionate drug addict.

You have to stop finding excuses for her being addicted and start finding reasons to get out of the drama. I understand this little girl is a concern, but unfortunately, unless you have custody of her, there is not much you can do.

I think this Birthday incident is the best thing that could have happened to you, as you sound like you were vampirised by this person.

Sadly, kindness, compassion, are not always repaid in kind. This is a very unhealthy friendship. That person is not healthy at all. You should stay away from her dramas or accept that being involved in them will take away your peace.

If you just complain about her but can't get away, then you are hooked on the drama and feeding off of it.

I have, unfortunately, had to deal with people like your friend, and forgiveness and compassion have led to theft, slander, abuse, and no one trusting my word because in the end, it's the crazy maker that people pity and not the person dealing with her/him.

The post was mostly made to vent about it. I appreciate your post though however don't think I'm trying to make excuses for her. I'm sick and tired of her BS. I'm not putting up with it anymore. It's just a delicate situation of "What if crazy ♥♥♥♥♥ comes by and slashes my tires?" I'm ending the ties, still haven't responded to the texts. Ignoring her at this point. Just don't even feel like dealing with her at all. I HATE drama. She knows this. Things were not always like this in the friendship, this is a recent turn for worse that has gotten me to the point of maxing out on my forgiveness I have for her.

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by frosting

I really do wish I could wave a magic wand and help that little girl.

I hear you. Well, if nothing else, her story has now been exposed to everyone who has or will read this thread. Perhaps the concerns and prayers and what have you of those people will have a positive effect in her life.