Control my life...

[Came]

...well as long as it's reasonable. I'm not going to be jumping off any cliffs. Basically, I'm 14 from the UK and a bit of a loner to be honest, I want to have more of a social life and enjoy my teen life while I can. I'm quite clever (from various IQ tests I average around 130-140) but not really a nerd. I spend a lot of time on my computer making doing php development mainly for people in NY and get around £1k a month from it. I'm not particularly ugly, I'm just not very attractive. I am very nervous when talking to girls, I literally sweat and can feel the cold body odor clining to my armpit hairs (I've actually ran away from a girl once when they offered me a hug ) My main aim is to get a girlfriend but I feel like I'm throwing pins at the moon hoping one day I'll be successful. The awful problem of it all is that the girls I like are normally the popular ones. You might that that's pretty normal but I don't think I've ever been attracted to anyone who's not been considered popular, not even remotely.

There is one particular girl I really like, I'm not really certain how popular she is but she's definitely somewhere near the top. I don't talk to her at all though, the only time she really talks to me is to complain (in a jokey way) during PE. This is the only lesson I have with her now and I have no idea how I'd be able to approach her. This is all unrealistic and hypothetical but I really want to become, not necessarily cool, just not laughed at.

I'm hoping that people here could set me daily targets. I'll give a report of how they went the next day so that you can base new targets around that. They have to be realistic but I'm really serious about this. I suppose I'm ready for change, I just don't know if I will be able to.

[ZannityZan]

I can sympathise with your distress. I spent a long time being quite afraid of guys and not knowing how to interact with them beyond being "one of the lads", and I'd generally stress out over/mercilessly overanalyse any communication I had with a guy. And even at 22, I still tend to see people hierarchically and think, "That person's too cool/popular to want to hang out/be friends with/be in a relationship with me". I think it's important to remember that popularity isn't some kind of ultimate standard in the face of which everything else is worthy. You're obviously very smart and well-spoken and do a lot of thinking, and I'm sure you'll have a lot to offer potential friends/girlfriends once you get past the social anxiety barrier, regardless of how you/they rate in the popularity polls. Life is far from a popularity contest.

At the moment, I think it's worth not focusing too much on the end goal of getting a girlfriend, as that'll just lead to more frustration and a continued feeling of "throwing pins at the moon". I gather that you'd quite like to be more outgoing in general, do more stuff, be one of the in-crowd. I don't feel in a position to set you a detailed daily target (perhaps others on here would be better able to address that) but I can say that I think making yourself do things - proactive, healthy things that you wouldn't normally do, like taking up a new hobby, smiling at a friendly-looking person on the street every day, striking up a conversation with people in your school/class who you haven't really talked to before - would help your situation a lot. If you can get active enough in your own life and become the friendly, outgoing person you want to be, you'll be secure enough in yourself that you won't need popularity or coolness or the approval of girls any more - and that's when you'll actually be cool and when the girls will come to you.

I hope I helped somewhat!

[Came]

OK thanks, well at the start of the week I began a biphasic sleeping plan but I'm probably going to stop tonight because it was kind of beginning to work but sleeping at particular times is really unpractical for me. My plan was to get up at 6am and go jogging or something to be more active. Maybe I can still do that but that would mean going to bed at about 10pm which might be difficult to enroll.

It's really difficult to explain what I'm like but I think my main problem is I can't start a conversation. I either walk off or just say hello and then walk off.

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by Came

...well as long as it's reasonable. I'm not going to be jumping off any cliffs. Basically, I'm 14 from the UK and a bit of a loner to be honest, I want to have more of a social life and enjoy my teen life while I can. I'm quite clever (from various IQ tests I average around 130-140) but not really a nerd. I spend a lot of time on my computer making doing php development mainly for people in NY and get around £1k a month from it. I'm not particularly ugly, I'm just not very attractive. I am very nervous when talking to girls, I literally sweat and can feel the cold body odor clining to my armpit hairs (I've actually ran away from a girl once when they offered me a hug ) My main aim is to get a girlfriend but I feel like I'm throwing pins at the moon hoping one day I'll be successful. The awful problem of it all is that the girls I like are normally the popular ones. You might that that's pretty normal but I don't think I've ever been attracted to anyone who's not been considered popular, not even remotely.

There is one particular girl I really like, I'm not really certain how popular she is but she's definitely somewhere near the top. I don't talk to her at all though, the only time she really talks to me is to complain (in a jokey way) during PE. This is the only lesson I have with her now and I have no idea how I'd be able to approach her. This is all unrealistic and hypothetical but I really want to become, not necessarily cool, just not laughed at.

I'm hoping that people here could set me daily targets. I'll give a report of how they went the next day so that you can base new targets around that. They have to be realistic but I'm really serious about this. I suppose I'm ready for change, I just don't know if I will be able to.

Your high intelligence is a gift! And socially it's an impediment.... What the masses love probably doesn't fit with you.

For me, I never cared for sports while most guys love sports. To me, it just seems stupid to get so emotional over a game and in the case of American football, to risk serious injuries for the game.

In social interactions, we've got varying levels of understanding that leads to very different types of interests. Without common interests, there's no reason to socialize in an ongoing friendship, right? And being so intelligent, there's only a minority of people that you can relate to.

I used to self-loathe my social success, ever wondering why I was alone most of the time. It took me 44 years to figure it out and that allowed me to love myself for the first time!

[Came]

I suppose you're right but I just want to be able to have funwhile i can.

[Williamjw]

The problem that you have is a problem with so many teenagers like yourself who are very intelligent. I'm really quite different to you, i find socialising very easy, it comes naturally for me, but at the same time i'm quite shy.

The trick is to remember you don't have to be yourself when meeting new people. Your main aim is to get a girlfriend and have fun, very typical of any 14 year old boy. If you want to get popular don't play on your intelligence, people at that age are scared by it.

As you get older you will be able to meet new people and instantly let them know you're intelligent and they'll respect you for it. At your age however if you want to be popular you've got to be very charismatic, play lots of sports or be very good looking. The easiest to create a front for is being very charismatic, i'm not saying you're not though, i'm sure within an intellectual circle you would be see as such.

However within a school you won't be you'll be judged for being smart, becuase 14 year old are intimidated and jealous by very clever people.

So i'd say either create a front, a new personality... Change your look and your personality around school can easily change with that. Don't ruin your gifted intelligence but for the moment just act how people want you to, its the only way to be popular.

Or just forget about them, you'll have much more fun than them when you're older as you'll be successful.

[Came]

How would you feel about turning this into a game? After you start playing you get to set me a target each day. If the target is successful and I manage to do it then you get a bonus 50 points and 20 credits. 10 credits can be spent on setting a bonus target ie. with 50 points you could set 6 targets in one day.

If a target is unsuccessful you lose 100 points and cannot post a new target for 3 days (unless you have credit left ie. you donot get your bonus target for 3 days).

[Williamjw]

you really want people to control your life don't you? Personally i couldn't deal with that, when women start doing that to me i start freaking out, but that's my own problem.

It's harsh but i'd say the first target is to undermine a popular person and make others laugh at him/her, but preferably him... You're smart so use that to your advantage and use that to take the piss out of someone whose who popular making them feel stupid making yourself look better and making others laugh at them, making yourself seem superior to them, but don't go about it in a nerdy way....

I.E. Making a comment when they're quite clearly wrong and making them seem like a fool for even thinking that.

[Came]

Do I really want to turn into that sort of person? I can be manipulative when I want to be and set them up to fail but when I see someone who does that I think that they're pathetic. There's someone who I know that doesn't even try to hide it. He thinks he's really popular when really everyone thinks he's a nasty dick.