how does it feel to growing up under divorced parents?

[Bongza]

I am about to write a book about people who grew up under divorced parents, myself I had a very bad experience there was a spirit of unforgiveness I was always reminded about what my mother did by father and I was refused to visit my mother to cut story short it was not easy.

I would like you to tell me your experience if you went through that in your life.

[momo3bur]

I was pretty young, so I don't ever remember really feeling angry at either one of my parents or not forgiving them. It was much better than growing up in a house full of fighting fighting, which I do remember feeling angry at them for, especially my father. I think it was more fear than anger.

My mom probably told me things about my father much too young (around 12 or so) although I knew the divorce was mostly caused by her being "lazy" and him being a raging alcoholic because the laziness I remember them fighting about when we all lived together and the alcoholic thing carried on for many years after the divorce, but until I was an adult I never really ever had an feelings of resentment towards him for doing those things to her. My father would basically run my mother down when we were with him, so I did always feel like my father was more intelligent and that my mother was at fault for the divorce, basically because I sort of idolized my dad and I was too young to adequately judge what I was being told about my mother. I listened to what he said. I know that was hard on my mother because she did do a pretty good job of not trying to make me feel as if my father was at fault for the divorce until I was a little older and she couldn't take the blame any longer.

At first, I got to spend more time with my father than before because he made an effort to take every other weekend especially for my sister and I whereas before he was practically nonexistent.

We always got two Christmases, two Thanksgivings, etc., until my father remarried, then we got two PLUS we got to have some holiday excitement with his wife's family. Those things I can't complain about for sure!

We (my mother, my sister, and I) had to move a lot because we were very poor and were constantly being evicted from places we lived. We spent lots of time without electricity, water, heat, etc. We very seldom had clothes unless dad bought them or unless the thrift store was having a 30 gallon bag special. We drove a car that was very unpredictable, until it was stolen, then we drove no car.

Mom seemed to have a few boyfriends, but she didn't move them in and out like some mothers did. I got to spend lots of time with my grandmother because my dad lived with her in between women.

My finally father married a woman who basically hated us and then we saw him much less often. Soon after, my mother moved us a few hundred miles away to her parents home and we began living in the country. She got a much better job, we got a nice trailer house, and my dad once again basically disappeared from our lives because he had a new family. I don't hold that against him because I was always very close to my father and I understand how he is and that he always loves us, he always financially supported us everyway he could. My sister, on the other hand, pretty much hates him and refuses to even speak to him now.

So basically it wasn't that bad. I remember being pretty happy go lucky for the most part, probably a little too interested in boys at a young age. LOL. That's probably the jist of my emotional issues from the divorce. I feel like both of my parents did the best they could for us, and even though it was really difficult for a long time, Dad went to college to make more money and make life easier and Mom moved us somewhere that we could have more support and she was able to make a more stable home for us. We turned out just fine and probably much better than we would have if my parents had stayed together, throwing things at each other, screaming constantly, etc., etc., etc.

[The Cloud]

My parents divorced when I was too young to remember, so I can't recall the things that led up to the split. After that, my dad would come and take my sister and I away every other weekend, and I believe that's the only contact my parents had from then on. They never talked much when he came to pick us up, and I don't think they ever talked on the phone, so they never ever fought (or made up).

When I got older, I found out that my dad was a bit abusive. He never hit us kids, but apparently the prolonged stress of a marriage was too much for him. He's very emotionally repressed, so I don't imagine he had many coping mechanisms for dealing with prolonged proximity with someone he's emotionally involved with.

So that's how I grew up. My dad and my mom were basically in separate worlds that never touched. I don't resent it, especially not having to listen to them fight. My mother remarried, and I had to listen to her fight with my stepfather all the time, when he wasn't yelling at me instead. I didn't completely love spending time with my real father (it wasn't bad, just sometimes a little boring or disruptive to weekend activities), but in comparison to sitting at home, I would often pray for that weekend to come.

I never really had anything to compare this life to, so I couldn't say how it differs from having two real parents at home, or having two parents that got along with each other and myself.

[momo3bur]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

My parents divorced when I was too young to remember, so I can't recall the things that led up to the split. After that, my dad would come and take my sister and I away every other weekend, and I believe that's the only contact my parents had from then on. They never talked much when he came to pick us up, and I don't think they ever talked on the phone, so they never ever fought (or made up).

When I got older, I found out that my dad was a bit abusive. He never hit us kids, but apparently the prolonged stress of a marriage was too much for him. He's very emotionally repressed, so I don't imagine he had many coping mechanisms for dealing with prolonged proximity with someone he's emotionally involved with.

So that's how I grew up. My dad and my mom were basically in separate worlds that never touched. I don't resent it, especially not having to listen to them fight. My mother remarried, and I had to listen to her fight with my stepfather all the time, when he wasn't yelling at me instead. I didn't completely love spending time with my real father (it wasn't bad, just sometimes a little boring or disruptive to weekend activities), but in comparison to sitting at home, I would often pray for that weekend to come.

I never really had anything to compare this life to, so I couldn't say how it differs from having two real parents at home, or having two parents that got along with each other and myself.

I understand the whole listening to the parent and stepparent fight. My mom once did have a serious relationship with a man that we lived with for about a year and they fought constantly. I remember him threatening to hit my mother and when I yelled at him to leave her alone, he called me a little ♥♥♥♥♥! After that, we moved. I am thankful to my mother for not allowing that to go on because I know many parents do.

My father and his wife always fought and still do from what I know. It was really a weird thing because I loved being with my dad but I hated listening to all of that. Especially since most of it, even as a child, seemed absolutely ridiculous and absurd. I mean fighting over things like children would. Just so strange. Not to mention she used to make my sister and me sleep on the couches instead of the empty beds and would constantly criticize us about our weight and clothes, etc. She's Asian, so she's very small compared to us, and I don't think she quite understood the difference in the body structures. We got to hear a lot about that. lol. I remember feeling for a while as if I was some kind of lowly, gross, inconvenience and then eventually just kind of not caring what she thought and pretty much nodding and smiling when not ignoring her.

I'm not sure why my dad allowed it, although they would fight about the way she treated us, but I just remember feeling more as if I was observing her behavior and not really taking it personally. My sister did take it personally, though. I'm not sure how I managed to detatch myself from things like that and how she didn't. Actually, this thread has made me wonder if that divorce and all the moving around, changing people and places constantly, had something to do with not becoming emotionally attached to people very easily and not letting people like her (my stepmother) really bother me.

In a way it was good because it was a protection and I learned to look past those things and not be angry with my dad and I've never had serious sentimental attachment to things like some have trouble with. However, I'm wondering how this has negatively affected me. LOL. I'm not sure...have to think about that one. I know it's kept me from having problems with moving away from friends and family, etc., and while I don't easily become attached or hurt by peoples' actions, I also don't really have many very good friends. As a matter of fact, I don't think I really have ANY very close friends. Hmmmm...shrink time!

Divorce definitely does create some issues...apparently some that we don't even realize we have.

[Bongza]

As I am about to get married, my stepmother doesn't even want to meet my mother and we are not on speaking terms. Thank you for your response and I am still doing my research.

[nothuman]

Well I didn't find out until I was 12 that my step father wasn't my biological dad. That was more a relief than anything. They divorced when I was 14 and after years of violence and alcohol abuse was also a huge relief. I would agree that staying together in an unhappy, abusive relationship is a lose / lose situation.

[Emerald Rain]

Our parents divorced when I was 4 and my brother was 3. We only saw our dad a few weekends out of the year and on holidays. When we got older, he and my brother went hunting together (they still do) which made me kind of sad because I never got to spend that kind of quality time with him. Instead, he gave me the same amount of money that he spent on hunting supplies for my brother. So I got to go shopping but I didn't really get to know him. He did buy me my first computer though, which was one of the happiest days of my young life!

My mom dated for a while and we moved a few times in our childhood. She got more and more unstable as the years went on. After breakups, my brother and I would have to console her, starting as young as 9/10 years old. She also kept us up to date about all financial information from the same age, so I was constantly worried that we wouldn't have enough money.

She really hated our dad and talked crap about him constantly. She really wanted us to hate him, too. If I defended him I was yelled at. But our dad also talked crap about our mom on the rare occasions I saw him so I guess it evened out.

My mom and I had a really rough relationship, especially during my teen years. She repeatedly screamed "If you don't like it here, then go live with your dad!" from grade school on, so when I was 18 I did as she asked and moved in with our dad. Then she said she didn't mean it and has been trying to get me to move back in with her since. (Going on four years...)

It's been really nice having time to reconnect with our dad. I don't think I'll ever have the kind of father/daughter relationship with him that children of married couples have (he's really emotionally distant), but I feel better knowing that I at least have the opportunity to speak with him on a daily basis.

Honestly, I think it affected our parents worse than it affected me. Can't speak for my brother. But our mom was frequently depressed and angry, and our dad became an alcoholic. I was always pretty outspoken as a child and teen (ok maybe still today! ) so her moods didn't affect me too badly, except when I was being screamed at, blamed and insulted for her life choices. Thankfully I had a wonderful support system in high school and kind of a 'second mom' (my boyfriend at the time's mother) so I spent a lot of time with her.

Neither of them have remarried. My brother lives with our mom, I live with our dad. I see our mom once in a while, though the time in between visits gets longer and longer as she sometimes still tries to control my behavior. However, overall she seems to be mellowing out now that we have some distance between us. The biggest downside I would say was financial. Even with child support payments, it was difficult for us to make ends meet. Other than that, meh, I never knew anything different.