Misunderstanding or else?

[lironil]

This is long so if you're reading I'm sorry in advance, please bare with me.. I need to let it out and would love an advice
Well, my situation is a little difficult. A guy from another country added me on facebook during August, through mutual friends. He'd write to me daily, the conversations quickly became very comfortable and extremely intimate. We both seemed quite surprised how at ease we were with each other (when he first mentioned porn and saw I was happy to talk about the subject he was rather shocked lol).
We met the next month as I already had a planned trip to his country (I fly there 2-3 times a year anyway). We met three times and were slept together the second time we met (the third time we only met for lunch and to say goodbye which was extremely emotional). The whole month I was there we kept talking daily and the conversations just became more personal. At the beginning we would still talk about other people, later on sometimes he'd mention going out and trying to flirt with girls unsuccessfully.. Important to say he's the shyest, quietest person I met in real life. I had to initiate everything with him in person as he was so shy (but online he allows himself to be the complete opposite). I managed to get him talking. He also mentioned he isn't looking for a relationship and I know his ex hurt him a lot when she split up with him last year though he didn't mention her much (I know from friends).

He flew abroad for a week while I was there and even when he left he stayed in touch daily, I was surprised by that. Then after I left his country we stayed in daily contact for a week while I still didn't go home.. but the next week when I returned home and was a little emotional about my return (and said stuff to him like 'I miss you' and such, which we never really said before, we tried not to talk 'emotionally'..). Then he started disappearing a little. He would still intiate conversations but instead of daily it'd take a few days, he told me he'll be busy that week but I still got paranoid and thought I scared him.
Then we had a chat that weekend and I asked if he's really just busy or if it's something else. I asked directly if he met someone and he said 'I'm sorry I haven't been myself, but of course if I met someone I'd tell you'. Then I went and said something like 'yeah, don't worry about it, I mean, I have a date this week so you should feel at ease with me'. I was supposed to have a date that week but I only mentioned it cos I thought I scared him.
That chat ended well but the next day/week things got worse. The only time he intiated a chat with me since was two days later when he wrote to me 'I'm struggling with illness', no hi no nothing..
Since then I tried to intiate chats, he was cold. Sometimes he'd ignore, sometimes he'd take a day or more to answer. Sometimes he'd leave a chat halfway through. I've tried since then to realize what's up and he said something like 'I'm sorry I've been unfair to you, of course I want to stay friends I just don't want to talk about sex/what we'll do next time anymore', which was most of our chats really. His reason for that was that he's rethinking his life and such.
I did since tell him that the next time I come over won't be February liked planned but January, and he did say he might be able to meet (which surprised me considering the coldness I expected a firm 'I can't meet up').

It took me three weeks to realize that maybe the date comment was what brought this on. I do think he at least had feelings for me at some point. I told him since that I didn't go on that date at the end (which is true) and apologized if I hurt him (had to do this in weird ways because I didn't want him to think I think it's because of the date comment, that's how unclear we were about the emotional stuff).

I kept worrying that having him on my facebook means I can't stop messaging him, he isn't intiating contact and I felt I was harrassing. So I sent him a really really nice message (which I don't mind showing) stating I really care about him and I feel I'm disturbing and basically said that because of that I think we need to take some time off each other and mentioned of course if he wants to talk again or re-add me or meet then I'd be happy to. Then I deleted him. He later SMSed me 'I got your facebook message. I'm sorry I haven't been fun/supportive lately. I think we do need time apart and see what happens'. That was last Sunday and we haven't spoken since.

Every relationship forum tells me to forget about him. I can't. I do have feelings for him. I don't feel that it's over.
The funny thing is he's a Taurus.. and a textbook Taurus at that. In Astrology message boards they told me that I have to contact him, initiate contact despite deleting him (as apparently he didn't 'close the door' for me either) and keep reminding him that I'm there for him because he's obviously going through something. As a textbook Taurus they say he's a little slow in forgiving, he takes his time, cautious and stubborn. Which means if he promised himself he won't initiate contact then he won't, that's why they say I have to and when he's ready he'll know I'm still there and won't forget me. One even went as far as telling me to re-add him which I don't think I can do. But she also stated that as long as he still answers me, and wanted to stay friends when I gave him the oppurtunity to let go when he was already cold, it shows I shouldn't give up on him.. in a way it filled my heart with hope.

Sorry about the insanely long story lol but it feels good to pour my heart out and now I hope you could tell me what you think I should do. What I mainly want now is to meet in January, even just for a friendly meet so I could finally be honest with him, it's too hard for me to do online. I just wonder if I should keep waiting hoping for him to contact until mid-late December or if I should go with the Taurus girl and send a message soon (it's been a week and two days since we stopped talking, so I do wonder how long to give him before I send a message) and of course make the message only friendly, unthreatening just to ask what's up with him, just to show I'm there and thinking of him.

[Ishh]

Hey, I had an endeavour with Taurus guy... They are really unpredictable... Tough to handle... It was long time back... But I still remember tough to handle... As far as I know Bulls want a loyal partner so I guess that "Date Thing" was it.. But I guess you cleared up things that you did not go afterall... Also I feel he might have been really badly hurt from his ex so maybe he wants to be extra cautious this time.... I guess you should probably wait for few more days as you told him " we need time to think" He will be considering pros and cons... Ofcourse taurus will be a bit stubborn... I think they have difficulty in coping up with themselves at first place... So give him some time also I feel if you will start to contact him and he will not yet be prepared then you may again make things difficult for yourself...

[Wombels]

Originally Posted by lironil

This is long so if you're reading I'm sorry in advance, please bare with me.. I need to let it out and would love an advice

Hello,

Maybe the both don't match in between the sheets, doesn't mean either of you is bad in between, see it rather in a situation their might not be a mutual attraction upon this part.

He might not wish to bring this subject up not to cause hurt in a situation were he does care for your friendship.

I might be wrong of course, I have experienced some encounters which started of amazingly cool but to end up because it simply didn't work out in between the sheets.

No to cause hurt I brought up other reasons in oder to end (break) up. When meeting someone new, it's always hard to tell upfront if both will match in sexually, although I'm hardly ever wrong any longer, it still occurs, while it's not always easy to solve when emotional attachment is present.

Hope this made some sense, to take some distance and shift focus would be my approach, I do understand it's not easy, good luck anyhow

[lironil]

Ish, yeah it's what I was told bout tauruses. I'll try to wait atleast another week I think. I do worry though if he did get hurt that he might not forgive or find it easier to move on without me.


Wombels, oh no sorry I ddnt make it clearer, we slept together very early in my trip and continued talking sex daily for another month until the whole pulling away thing started. We matched incredibly in bed which was why we immediately started planning next time. For week after he would still go on about how amazing it was etc. he mentioned it loads. If anything I am sure that is not the case. He only asked to not talk about sex anymore the month later AFTER he started pulling back which could be either because of the date I mentioned/because he got scared/or any other reason I wouldn't know of. Maybe he just got tired of me but then why say u wanna stay in touch at all. Ou relationship started as entirely physical. The emotion at least for me came a bit later and I believe it did for him too. So staying friends was a bit odd as even when we started as friends we quickly started talking mainly about sex.

[Wombels]

Originally Posted by lironil

So staying friends was a bit odd as even when we started as friends we quickly started talking mainly about sex.

Well than nothing is lost, still I would try to shift attention away, maybe send him one last email in which you are clear about your emotions, while leave him be afterwards, if he really cares about you, he will probably get back in touch sooner or later.

If later becomes months, I would try to forget you ever met him and go on with your life, good thing it's not related to sex, ha! Take care

[lironil]

Thanks Wombels. I think I'd be too scared to actually say 'hey I have feelings for you'. The last message I sent to him before deleting him was over emotional for me, only including things like 'I care about you', 'I've been thinking about you a lot' and 'I miss you'. You'd expect him to get how I feel about him but a. before that I've always been careful with showing emotions, I suppose he could see it as 'mixed messages'. and b. according to these astrology forums Tauruses sometimes need to have things spelt out for them/repeated until they get it lol so it is possible he still doesn't know I guess.
However it's something that I leave for a last resort. I would much rather tell him how I feel in person, but if, come mid-December and we don't talk (though I doubt I won't send any friendly message before that, I probably will) and I message about my January flight and he doesn't reply or he replies and says he isn't understand, then I'll tell him how I feel cos it'll be my last chance.
I'm just terrified of opening up my heart like that cos then a rejection would be worse, plus I still wanna hope there are ways to fix this and admitting it would mean making it more likely he'd get scared

[ssandra]

To me it sounds as if you don't even really know what you want this relationship to be....

Do you?

If so, what do you want from this?

After you are clear on this, let him know.

Fear of rejection can have us do dumb things. Such as telling people about dates, and other girls and stop contacting people by saying that "we need some time apart" or "lets see what happens".

Of course, I am not sure that this is exactly what is going on here. Without knowing this other person, we can't know. But from what you are writing here, that is what pops up in my mind....

[EmanQ]

he cares about you , yes.

he wants a relationship with you, no.

he is keeping distance because it is easier to get hurt now than later when it is more deep or complicated, true.

Whether you contact him now or after 2 days or 2 weeks it won't change it.

If he felt it's all good after a while ( which might be a long while ) he might contact you, but by that time you wouldn't be happy about it and you will probably keep distance.

[lironil]

ssandra, I have the problem of the distance. I do want some more than casual with him but because of the distance I fear it just won't work. Or that he won't be willing to put that much effort into it. The thing is, I don't even truly know how he feels about me, I'm just guessing he has feelings. But something casual as we had before I believe could work again, if we don't talk about others and just meet and have our dates and our physical contact whenever we can. We can have all the fun involved without the commitment, only thing we should change is the fact we talked about other people too.

EmanQ, that is what I think too, but I think the main reason he doesn't/wouldn't want a relationship is because of the distance. It's opening himself up to being hurt. But there are ways to sort this out without your regular committed relationship that could be good for us I think. I just hope to find a way for him to realize that. Plus I would never try to hurt him.

[lironil]

I just sent him an SMS. Found it difficult to stop myself. I only wrote 'Hey, just wanted to say hi and ask how are you and what's new? ' just a friendly one. He hasn't replied yet, he might take his time or maybe won't reply at all. Which will make me think as until the very last second I did delete him he still replied to me, never ignored.. so maybe despite everything I wrote he is angry at me now about it.

[lironil]

well he answered the sms saying he's on a field trip, so i said 'have fun' and that's it.
well, wanted to remind him i'm there without being intimidating so happy i got it. sometimes i feel he has no feelings for me at all and well, just wanted to end the physical/emotional stuff. but it doesn't explain why he continued talking to me in that sort of way for weeks after we slept together and then changed 180 degrees exactly the day after i mentioned i have a date and chose to stay in touch all this time (despite the cold convos) when we were never really 'friends', i mean, the few friendly, non-sexual convos we had were always pretty boring.

[Ishh]

Hey..... I feel you shall be happy he cared to message u back... It means your communication channels are open now... You took One lead... It will surely make him think of taking next step when he feels like... I feel deleting him from fb thing has been compensated by this... So cheer up !!!!

[frosting]

Originally Posted by Wombels

Hello,

He might not wish to bring this subject up not to cause hurt in a situation were he does care for your friendship.

I really agree with that statement right there. It does sound like he may be avoiding the issue to not hurt you. I would say let him have some time for now to come around. Be open for it just being friendship if that is indeed the case but that may be too painful for you. Its hard when you have a fast chemistry with someone and all of a sudden *poof* its gone. Where'd it go? Where was I when this happened? Hey!! Romance come back! Please?

Just prepare yourself for the worst just in case. Hopefully things with become better between you. Don't stop yourself though, keep dating people. He may just not be the one. Remember we don't normally pick who we pick up feelings for. Don't beat yourself up over the comment you made about going for a date. If he was as head over heels for you as you are for him that would of made him only want you more. You deserve someone as into you as you are into them.

I also notice you said the "normal" convos are boring for you but it sounds like you love the romantic stuff. It may just be lust. Only want to mention that if you are hoping for love.

[lironil]

Originally Posted by frosting

I really agree with that statement right there. It does sound like he may be avoiding the issue to not hurt you. I would say let him have some time for now to come around. Be open for it just being friendship if that is indeed the case but that may be too painful for you. Its hard when you have a fast chemistry with someone and all of a sudden *poof* its gone. Where'd it go? Where was I when this happened? Hey!! Romance come back! Please?

Just prepare yourself for the worst just in case. Hopefully things with become better between you. Don't stop yourself though, keep dating people. He may just not be the one. Remember we don't normally pick who we pick up feelings for. Don't beat yourself up over the comment you made about going for a date. If he was as head over heels for you as you are for him that would of made him only want you more. You deserve someone as into you as you are into them.

I also notice you said the "normal" convos are boring for you but it sounds like you love the romantic stuff. It may just be lust. Only want to mention that if you are hoping for love.

Well, it's not so much that they are boring but whenever we had a friendly convo it was quite cold. He was much more 'into' the convo when it was a sexual one.
I still don't think him not being into the physical stuff is the case, as I said, for weeks after we slept together all he could talk about was how good it was and what we'll do next time. I could see reasons like him getting hurt, or perhaps the fact I'm far away and not being able to get the 'sexual satisfaction' right now causing this. Or any other reason really. But because of how he was after we slept together and well, during too, I highly doubt it has anything to do with chemistry. I would actually say that's where we were most compatible at lol

I also didn't mention, after he told me he doesn't want the sex talk anymore (which was a week after I told him I have a date - which means also a week after he started ignoring me) I got drunk that night and then txted him 'right I gotta say you hurt my ego a bit. I don't mind the no sex convos but I wonder why. Am I not sexy anymore? lol' and he wrote back that it's certainly not the case.. and then said he's rethinking about his life and such. I translated it as him being depressed for whatever reason. He is quite sincere so I do believe him.
And we were never truly friends, so 'caring for my friendship' is a little weird lol it took us a week when we first started talking until we became like that.. and we only really had non sexual convos since he started getting cold. He mostly talks about sports so.. lol

I do know I have feelings for him. I find it hard to use the word 'love' but feelings, yes. I wanted to be there for him, when he talked to me about personal stuff like his ex or his dreams it made me happy. I longed to talk to him all the time. Of course I never knew how he felt about me as he never talked really emotional. He was very loving in bed and when we said goodbye last time.. Online usually the 'compliments' would be sexual but then he'd throw in an 'I wish you were here' that would make me so happy.

[lironil]

Originally Posted by Ishh

Hey..... I feel you shall be happy he cared to message u back... It means your communication channels are open now... You took One lead... It will surely make him think of taking next step when he feels like... I feel deleting him from fb thing has been compensated by this... So cheer up !!!!

Well, it was hardly a perfect convo, getting one SMS from him lol but I'm just glad he answered and even more glad he knows I think about him. I'll wait a couple of week before I send another message. I think I might follow that girl from the Taurus forum advice on this, unless some psychic gives me something better to think about.

[frosting]

Originally Posted by lironil

Well, it's not so much that they are boring but whenever we had a friendly convo it was quite cold. He was much more 'into' the convo when it was a sexual one.
I still don't think him not being into the physical stuff is the case, as I said, for weeks after we slept together all he could talk about was how good it was and what we'll do next time. I could see reasons like him getting hurt, or perhaps the fact I'm far away and not being able to get the 'sexual satisfaction' right now causing this. Or any other reason really. But because of how he was after we slept together and well, during too, I highly doubt it has anything to do with chemistry. I would actually say that's where we were most compatible at lol

I also didn't mention, after he told me he doesn't want the sex talk anymore (which was a week after I told him I have a date - which means also a week after he started ignoring me) I got drunk that night and then txted him 'right I gotta say you hurt my ego a bit. I don't mind the no sex convos but I wonder why. Am I not sexy anymore? lol' and he wrote back that it's certainly not the case.. and then said he's rethinking about his life and such. I translated it as him being depressed for whatever reason. He is quite sincere so I do believe him.
And we were never truly friends, so 'caring for my friendship' is a little weird lol it took us a week when we first started talking until we became like that.. and we only really had non sexual convos since he started getting cold. He mostly talks about sports so.. lol

I do know I have feelings for him. I find it hard to use the word 'love' but feelings, yes. I wanted to be there for him, when he talked to me about personal stuff like his ex or his dreams it made me happy. I longed to talk to him all the time. Of course I never knew how he felt about me as he never talked really emotional. He was very loving in bed and when we said goodbye last time.. Online usually the 'compliments' would be sexual but then he'd throw in an 'I wish you were here' that would make me so happy.

Your situation just gives me a "feeling" of reminding me of one I've been in myself some time ago. Hard to describe the "feeling" I just see you making so many excuses for him. The fact that there is not a strong friendship foundation from experience in what feels like a similar situation hear me out on this. As time goes on, if things do not go back to what you feel is "normal", you are not happy, or if it gets worse if possible consider trying to distance yourself a little emotionally for your own sake. When any relationship(i mean that generally) starts off so sexual for most guys its hard to make it, turn it into a friendship. The saying.. Friends to Lovers is easy, Lovers to Friends is not. I really do hope it works out for you. I'm not trying to be a negative nancy on your situation , I just really feel that being made aware of some things may help you in the future as things progress and if this happens again.

[lironil]

Thank you frosting, I am not interested in being just friends. I only try to show him I'm there so if he does feel in due time that he wants to be more, as we were before, then he'll turn to me, rather than trying to forget me. I know Tauruses take their time in forgiving, in thinking over things and I know how stubborn they are. So I do hope he still has feelings for me as I'm pretty sure he once did, and that he will think this through enough to give it another go. I only want to meet in January to either go back to where we left things, or if I see he's still in the 'let's just be friends' mode where he's all cold and distant (if he's still like this when I go over I find it hard to believe he'd want to meet at all) then just tell him how I feel so I'll get my closure.

[lironil]

Bytheway, might be connected and might not be but during the weekend, about 6 days after I deleted him he deleted 5 of our 9 mutual friends, 2 of which I wrote on their wall a day or two before he deleted them..
He was on good terms with some of them so deleting them was a bit confusing. I know from one of the mutual friends we have left (well, I don't think he knows I'm on really good terms with one of them and she kinda tells me everything, it's just always privately) that he only deleted 8 people (and 5 of them were mutual friends of ours) and that she hasn't spoken to him since July so she was surprised he deleted them but not her (but again he doesn't know I'm on good terms with her..) so I find it odd. A gut feeling tells me it is connected to me.. but does it really bother him that much to see my name on his notifications when I write on their walls?!! That was another reason I was surprised he replied to the SMS at all lol