|11-08-2011, 02:07 AM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2011
"What, so you just walk up to them and say 'hi' ?"
So I have a lot of trouble making friends...
I'm only starting out at university and everyone is in their little cliques they've hung onto from High school.
People say to me (closer friends) "Just go and say hi"
And I'm normally like "Well I'm not sure I can do that"
The conversation normally ends there.
Can you just say hi to someone? Do there need to be correct circumstances for meeting someone and then actually seeing them again and continuing to interact with them?
I've never really made friends - I've just tagged along with groups of people and called them friends.
|11-08-2011, 03:47 AM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jun 2009
You can absolutely just say hi to people! I do it all the time and I haven't died yet. It definitely feels weird to drop a big fat "hello" into the silence, but as long as you have something to follow it up with it's not so bad. Anything works, really.
"How did you do on homework X?"
"Do you like pop culture item Y?"
"My dad says I look like Don Knotts, what do you think?"
(I'm sort of assuming you're a guy with this line but honestly if a girl used that as a conversation starter I would laugh my ass off)
If you want to be friends with someone (and they don't seem grossly offended when you talk to them, they'll make it obvious if they are) just say hi after class, make some small talk, and repeat.
Joining in group conversations is a little trickier, I've had good luck saying "Okay, I can't resist joining in..." and then offering my opinion on the subject. Group projects are a good lower-risk opportunity because you can just bring up something you like whenever there's a lull.
Also, "making friends" is a very strange, nebulous process that is different for everyone. I've made friends one on one, sometimes naturally because I just kept talking to someone, and sometimes because I said "hey would you like to be friends?" and I've made friends by tagging along with groups as you describe. There's no one right way to do it.
|11-08-2011, 04:09 AM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2006
Try getting "involved" with people on campus by joining clubs, groups, rommates, workstudy, etc. I joined a group in Freshman year and easily made friendships that lasted all through college and beyond. You meet people through people so even making just a few friends can introduce you to many more.
Meeting new people isn't so much about content as it is about just having a natural relaxed vibe and keeping a good rhythm to the conversation. Just chit chat to the people you come into contact with. If there's a group of people you see regularly (like in a class) then it's appropriate to meet them by talking about assignments or whatever fluff topic you can think of.
However, if you want friends it's often easier to meet individuals you sit by than it is a group, because the group already has a dynamic going and you don't know it at first, while the individual and you can build your own dynamic together. Other singles want to have a friend in class as well so there's an added incentive for them to want to befriend you.
Also, if it's the first few classes then it's totally appropriate to say "Hi. I'm Steve." or whatever and it's very easy to meet people on the first day because they don't have a social habits for that class learned yet. If class has been going on for a while it can sometimes be more natural to break the ice talking about some assignment or test or something and then introducing yourself later in the conversation.
|11-08-2011, 05:26 AM||#4 (permalink)|
Join Date: Aug 2011
Can you walk up and say Hello to people? Absolutely, but you have to have something to contribute to the conversation. This is where knowing yourself and having a broad range of interests comes in. If you see a group of people talking about their bikes and you know nothing about bikes and have no interest in bikes, you obviously shouldn't walk up to them and say hello and change the subject to something that you're interested in.
In my opinion, it's generally easier to meet people one on one. They generally tend to have other friends that they eventually introduce you too and then it moves along from there. Walking into a group of people and introducing yourself could work in the right situation, but it's really all relative.
The best way to meet people is to become a regular somewhere. If you're 21 try going to a bar every Friday night. If you're into comics, go into a comic shop on the same two days every week. Stop into a coffee shop and sip on a coffee while lounging for a bit.
In any of these situations, the key is to be friendly and inviting. If you go to a coffee shop and stuff your face into your laptop then you're telling everybody to leave you alone. Just sit there and sip your coffee/tea, and make small talk with others, but be sure not to be too aggressive and take the hint if somebody wants to be left alone. When people see that you're friendly, especially once you become a regular, more people will end up initiating conversation with you! Take in small clues about people and talk about the things that you notice. If you see a "We are the 99%" button on somebody's bag/purse and you're into that, talk to them abut it. If you see somebody with a teenage mutant ninja turtles hoodie, talk to them about it! There are an infinite amount of ways to approach somebody and start conversation.
If you're shy, then practice talking to people. You might weird people out at first, but once you're able to be comfortable (which WILL come in time) then people will feel more comfortable around you and more inviting of you.
Last edited by WisdomDome; 11-08-2011 at 05:31 AM.
|11-08-2011, 05:34 AM||#5 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2006
One thing you might notice is that popular kids who are very outgoing will have this habit of just chatting with everyone around them. Even if the other person can feel awkward about the whole thing, this doesn't bother the popular kid who just assumes it's all normal and keeps chit chatting like they're friends. Eventually the other person comes around and sees it the same way and they are now friends.
It goes back to that Erin Pavlina post I read long ago. Something about "rather than breaking the ice, assume the ice is already broken, that you already are friends."
|11-10-2011, 07:23 PM||#6 (permalink)|
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Providence, Rhode Island
If you're afraid of them, any approach seems impossible. But if you aren't attached to any outcome, if you have a sense of contentment with or without positive reactions from them, then any approach works.
Yes, you can just walk up and say hey. Why not? But take baby steps. If you acknowledge that, previously, you've had a hard time making friends, don't pressure yourself too much to take these leaps that may seem scary. Instead, exchange a few casual words with clerks at stores as you pay, or smile at strangers. Love people, don't fear them.
|11-10-2011, 07:53 PM||#7 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jun 2011
The thing to remember is that people are like bears: they're usually more scared of you than you are of them. So take the opportunity to put their mind at ease by going up to them and being friendly. People, I mean. Don't do that with bears! As you can see, I'm not always very good with analogies.
|11-12-2011, 01:27 AM||#8 (permalink)|
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Funny location joke
I can be incredibly passive when it comes to initiating new contacts, with anybody and especially with women (though I'm very open, friendly and even outgoing and somewhat brash with people I already know.) I've noticed that the people who are very good at making new friends and more are quite persistent, but not overbearing. Almost like they will target someone they'd like as a friend and say hi and maybe ask some kind of engaging question as well. Then again the next day, then maybe again a little while later, then again in a few days. After about a week of this you'll be pretty friendly with somebody.
Also if it doesn't work take it as an isolated incident and not a pattern. If it doesn't work again that is another isolated incident b/c this time it was with a different person o no pattern could logically be established.
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