How do I deal with someone who complains all the time

[quiethumir]

Everytime we see each other he has something to complain about. How do I help him?

oh btw we're in the same class and we go to the same hospital for our clinical rotation

[newkaren]

Originally Posted by quiethumir

Everytime we see each other he has something to complain about. How do I help him?

oh btw we're in the same class and we go to the same hospital for our clinical rotation

Don't try to help him. You can't.

What I'd do is... When he starts in on a negative, you state a positive, changing the subject if you have to.

[carpediem]

Originally Posted by quiethumir

Everytime we see each other he has something to complain about. How do I help him?

oh btw we're in the same class and we go to the same hospital for our clinical rotation

Okay. So I have this friend that started to do that all the time. At first I thought, oh, she is just having a bad day. Oh, she just had a bad week. Then I realized no one has a bad day EVERY SINGLE DAY unless it's their attitude. So I told her, hey did you notice that you have to complain about something everyday? And to my surprise, she didn't notice. Some people need a little wake up call because complaining so much isn't healthy.

[taylor]

Originally Posted by carpediem

Okay. So I have this friend that started to do that all the time. At first I thought, oh, she is just having a bad day. Oh, she just had a bad week. Then I realized no one has a bad day EVERY SINGLE DAY unless it's their attitude. So I told her, hey did you notice that you have to complain about something everyday? And to my surprise, she didn't notice. Some people need a little wake up call because complaining so much isn't healthy.

Just curious, did this actually change her behavior? I've tried this myself with friends and it didn't work for them.

I would just dump him (so to speak) or take it as a learning opportunity to bring positivity even around negative influences.

I've seen some techniques work like repetitive affirmations over a long period of time or being a very "high status" person who people want to please. These are kind of big projects to take on for most people though.

[Kait]

I don't think there's anyway you can fix him. I think he has to realize what he is doing...to fix his own problem. I would just say, Yeah, did you know you always have a negative energy and I feel bad when I'm around you? Sometime the surrounding "we grow up in" puts us either as a positive energy or a negative energy. So when he meets up with you, he is negative too.

[WilliWibald]

Well, I think you could "fix" your friend. But it's not easy. I use the framework of Marshall Rosenbergs "Non-violent communication" and it works wonders if you really apply it.

First you should get clear about the need he is trying to meet by complaining. You could do that by asking him directly something like this:

Are you irritated because you would like to get more support from your parents (assuming that he complains about sth with his parents).

So, if you guessed wrong, he will tell you (or the complaining just goes on). Then you can try other needs. When you find the right one he will feel understood (for that need) and either he will stop complaining or he will go directly to the next topic (for which he needs understanding too). Once you are through all his unmet needs and he feels completely understood complaining ceases. :-)

Then would be a good time to talk about your own feelings (for example: I feel annoyed when you say x - because I think it is complaining and I want to feel more happy and light and complaining drags me down. Would you be willing to say me directly what you need understanding for instead of doing what I see as complaining?)

[Curious cat]

Originally Posted by WilliWibald

Well, I think you could "fix" your friend. But it's not easy. I use the framework of Marshall Rosenbergs "Non-violent communication" and it works wonders if you really apply it.

First you should get clear about the need he is trying to meet by complaining. You could do that by asking him directly something like this:

Are you irritated because you would like to get more support from your parents (assuming that he complains about sth with his parents).

So, if you guessed wrong, he will tell you (or the complaining just goes on). Then you can try other needs. When you find the right one he will feel understood (for that need) and either he will stop complaining or he will go directly to the next topic (for which he needs understanding too). Once you are through all his unmet needs and he feels completely understood complaining ceases. :-)

Then would be a good time to talk about your own feelings (for example: I feel annoyed when you say x - because I think it is complaining and I want to feel more happy and light and complaining drags me down. Would you be willing to say me directly what you need understanding for instead of doing what I see as complaining?)

This sounds really laborious though, also time and energy zapping. I'm not saying it won't work, but he'd have to be a really good friend to go through all that trouble for.

[WilliWibald]

correct. :-)

[Curious cat]

Originally Posted by quiethumir

Everytime we see each other he has something to complain about. How do I help him?

oh btw we're in the same class and we go to the same hospital for our clinical rotation

This pattern of complaining is part of your friend's personality. I'm not sure that you can help him, he probably doesn't see it as a problem. Complaining satisfies a need within him, it's his coping mechanism.

He is probably happy that you play audience to his rants, so he's probably happy with this dynamic he has with you. The question is, are you happy to take this role?

If you can't avoid him, seeing as you have class together, the practical thing without confrontation is to appear indifferent and not sympathetic to his rants, and change the subject.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by Curious cat

This pattern of complaining is part of your friend's personality. I'm not sure that you can help him, he probably doesn't see it as a problem. Complaining satisfies a need within him, it's his coping mechanism.

He is probably happy that you play audience to his rants, so he's probably happy with this dynamic he has with you. The question is, are you happy to take this role?

If you can't avoid him, seeing as you have class together, the practical thing without confrontation is to appear indifferent and not sympathetic to his rants, and change the subject.

I totally agree here.

I also believe that when you are raised around "negative" parents it can be a learn'd "habit".

[quiethumir]

Thanks guys for the replies

Yeah I'll just try to stay positive and ignore his complaints.