How do you detach from an Unhealthy relationship with your Mother?

[FelineNostalgia]

I have a little bit of a manic relationship with my mother. I'm aware, I'm out of nappies etc I'm old enough to make my own independent decisions. I moved out when I was 20 , well started squatting, and over the last few years my relationship has greatly improved, as it does normally when you move out of home. However when she's angry or she's drinking shell blame everything on me, like scream blame, or be half angry half concerned and say things like '' how are you ever going to cope in the real world'' whatever the 'real world' is. This seems to crush me and It's starting to seem like her comments are deeply rooted behind any self doubts or frustrations that I have. Don't get me wrong, aside from this she's a very loving mother, she brought me up as a single mum, me and my little brother are her world. Sometimes I think though that because I love and adore her so much I take these insults in even if I try not too. I also don't take it very seriously sometimes until I'm a sobbing mess, just because you hear of so many people abused by their parents.

Feeling a bit lost with this one folks, advice or tales shared would be much appriciated

[awdye]

My guess is that she is afraid life will be hard for you as it was for her. Perhaps she's afraid of being alone. Or maybe she's afraid you will prove to her that she is/was wrong...about whatever.

If you follow your passion and it works out well, some people can't look at their own stuff and just admit they had other choices. What would that say about them, to admit life didn't beat them down, it was all about their own choice?

Most of your own fears and self-doubts were probably taught to you by her. I believe that's how that stuff works. I've found that most of mine came from learning them from my parents, as I see no actual evidence of being harmed in the past by some of the fearful events. It would explain why our parents can so easily push our buttons. They helped install the button.

Use the emotions you're feeling to trace their origin and change the meaning. The discomfort is all about the meaning you give to an event. Not the event itself.

I find it's difficult to unravel that while in the midst of the turmoil. Recognize the feelings and decide not to react to them is many times the best I can do. Over the years, it gets easier and you'll see where you can be in the middle of something and not get worked up. Then, it's possible to offer empathy and understanding to another.

I read somewhere, I think Tolle, "If you think you're all "spiritual" now, try spending a couple weeks with your parents."

[awdye]

Originally Posted by FelineNostalgia

...she brought me up as a single mum, me and my little brother are her world.

This may point to a large part of the issue. What happens when "her world" changes or doesn't play by the rules she believes in?

[prom]

My mother does similar things. What helped was realizing it's not really her speaking when she's criticizing me, but her own drama, stuff she's learned from her parents etc. and detaching from what she's saying based on that. It also works when random people try to provoke you or tear you down for no reason. Smeagol isn't Smeagol when he's Gollum.

Now I usually ignore her when she's being critical, or just act angry and give "get lost" vibes. When she's ready to relate to me without the negativity I'll be there, but I've made it clear I'm not dealing with the drama.

Originally Posted by awdye

My guess is that she is afraid life will be hard for you as it was for her. Perhaps she's afraid of being alone. Or maybe she's afraid you will prove to her that she is/was wrong...about whatever.

This could be true of my mum.. Have you tried analyzing her motives? A lot of my mother's fear seems to stem from thoughts that I won't be able to look after myself or won't fit in to society.

[Moriarty]

The main point is not to so much 'detach' from her, but to learn to re-invest your energy away from criticism. You are the only one who decides whether to take anything on board, or not.

I have a mother a bit like that. She's old now and doesn't critise us to our faces anymore, because she's not strong enough now to be totally independant and realises the value in our support. Instead, she directs it at everyone and everything else.

The best thing to do is to find where your strength lies and stick to that way of dealing with her. e.g.....by being blunt and repeating every time she critises, that you will not tolerate it (animals are trained this way and humans are no different). You have nothing to gain by investing in her drama and much to gain by saying 'i refuse to be your punching bag'.