|11-07-2011, 06:00 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2011
In need of advice about marriage/separation..
I have been married for over 13 years now and my husband and I are ...so to speak separated...we have been arguing over the stupidest things for several months now..and he is at least to me an anger issue person...I mean he explodes from ice to severe angry for nothing things...anyways...I will get to the point...I have been a stay at home mom of 4 for the last 8 years and he has a very good business an I think we were fine until some months ago..I started saying to him that I was tired of being home and that all five of them were making me feel like a maid and cook and housekeeper..etc..like a soccer mom...please don't take it wrong I don't mean to offend but I just don't like it...that's not the kind of person I am..and I told him I wanted to work and he would say what about the kids..are you gonna get paid enough and is it worth after paying childcare...what kind of job are you gonna look for and types of hours are you gonna work..so I did start becoming depressed and then at the same time he started working alot more that what he already did an was and well I got tired of it...during one fight I asked for a separation and he did not want to..he said he were going too fast and that we could work out our problems...then again over te most ridiculous things we argued and yelled and so forth...that again I mentioned but this time I said I want a divorce..I truly felt Ive had it..he is a very good man..he always provides for us and we do lots of things together as a family and we are thank God financially stable...I don't complain of that at all and he is a good father very supportive and loving...but I have felt neglected for quiet awhile now..and I do tell him what I want and how i feel ...and sometimes he does do some of the things I ask for but I feel it's not enough...he doesn't always say I love you but he does and has...I've asked for dates with me that he planned and not just because out friends say hey we are going out ya want to come..dinners for just us...all night kinky sex...a getaway vacation for two...more communicating with me...etc..I don't ask for extreme things..at least that's what I think..and he says I yell alot and I complain to much and I'm always depressed..not completely true but I won't argue..our youngest is 7 and our oldest is 14...we don't have babies or toddlers that need more of my time...we haven't gotten divorced because he does say it's going to fast but we don't sleep together in the same bed but do live together..she sleeps with one of our boys upstairs..I hopefully will get the job that I have an interview tomorrow...but I don't know if it's ok to be in the same house living like this...my daughters aak me how come daddy doesn't sleep with..why is he still mad at you...and I have been alot hornier these last weeks than ever before...someone please explain that to me...last week I couldn't take it anymore so I sent him a text asking him if he wanted to have me for lunch and he said he was really busy at work and he was but that he would let me know...and he did ..he said he would so I was trilled..I showered and put on a sexy french maid outfit yo spice it up and it was AWESOME...we have been ok ...we talk fine and laugh together and stuff like that but we spoke again last night about out situation and he admitted to wanting to tell me several times during that conversation that he wanted to fix our problems and try to go back to normal and just work at it daily but he didn't...he stopped himself and said at the end that he doesn't think it will work...he said he doesn't believe my live is true because love is unconditional...and I am asking him to change what he isn't..and I said that any woman would want those things much more often ...and so we are living under the same roof ...married...separated..and sleeping in different beds...and he still told me this morning hey I'm leaving for work I will see you later...all I said was bye...please someone explain to me what we are doing..sex was just that one time that I initiated...I love him with all my heart..he has been all I know...I will be 32 this coming weekend and have been with him since I was 15 almost 16 years old..me being a stay at home mom was a mutual decision..but being a very dependent woman at one point in my life I am now dependent on him..and I don't like that...I really do appreciate all the advice and help and comments I get...thanks
|11-07-2011, 06:10 PM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Mexico City
1. Put some paragraphs in your writing.
I know it can be healing to just get it all out, but if it is just one wall of text, you won't get many responses.
2. It does sound like the both of you might have some issues, but nothing you cannot work through, maybe with the help of a good marriage therapist or coach.
3. You don't go from being happy together for 13 years, to wanting a divorce just because you are fighting for a few months. I have the feeling that there is something more going on....
4. If you want to get a (part time) job, while the kids are at school, go ahead and look for one. Nobody is stopping you!
|11-07-2011, 06:29 PM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: Oct 2011
|11-07-2011, 07:20 PM||#4 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Really good relationship website...
Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom :: Main Page
Amazon.com: getting the love you want': Books
Also, take a look at...
Amazon.com: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Willard F. Harley: Books
Like the others have said, it doesn't sound like there no hope here. To me, it sounds like more connecting is needed. Do stuff together you enjoy.
I really like this one too. I'm kind of a book junkie. And it sounds like you have time to read.
Amazon.com: The Path to Love: Renewing the Power of Spirit in Your Life (9780517706220): Deepak Chopra: Books
|11-07-2011, 07:24 PM||#5 (permalink)|
Join Date: Oct 2011
|11-08-2011, 04:08 AM||#6 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2011
Thank you all for your responses...I do apologize for making one whole paragraph...I really didn't give it much thought...
But getting back to what one of you said..
There seems to be more going on...
I feel completely the same way..and I told my husband this...I feel like he is hiding something...and I honestly don't like it...but the problem is I dont know what it is..
He does work alot and his business does consume him...so I don't think he is cheating on me..
But as I have alot of free time on my hands...I do read alot and especially think alot and came to the idea that...
Maybe it's like a mid life crisis thing?....
He will be 37 next week...he has always been the type of man to watch how he looks and dresses...and that really hasn't changed..
I don't know but I am a Christian woman and I am just gonna put my marriage in the Lords hand..
I hopefully get a new job tomorrow and that's something new for me..
I did not call him at all during the day..he got home and the kids and I were about to eat dinner and I told him that there was plenty I he was hungry..afterwards I cleaned up like usual and then dis my toe nails and a facial and took a long shower...
I am going to spend time on myself and look for the ME that I used to know and am...and not mention anything to him about us...
I do wonder though..about this weekend because I would turn 32 and we always did something nice and fun for the both of us...
I am not giving up on my marriage...I am just gonna give him some breathing space and give myself some too...
|11-08-2011, 04:29 AM||#7 (permalink)|
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Mexico City
Instead of looking at your husband for things that have changed, work on yourself.
Even if you don't want to see a marriage counselor together, I think it would help you a LOT if you were to work together with a therapist or coach for yourself.
It never is good to completely loose yourself in a marriage, so I think it is good to find yourself again.
However, don't hold it against your husband that you lost yourself. He didn't do that. You did that yourself. Understandable, but still, your own doing.
Another thing I would suggest to you: Talk to your husband. Talk about what is going on with you. Talk about what you are feeling.
Don't put the blame on him, but explain what is going on...
|11-08-2011, 05:22 AM||#8 (permalink)|
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: I'm in the good ol' USA "Maryland"
As long as you can still be there for your children I would definitly go back to school or do something you love. You have to find yourself again. If you are becoming into your prime time (sex) then this is a NEED and you need each other. Sex is healthy FOR the relationship...but maybe he doesn't want another child and if this is a possibility (THAT you can have another baby, talk to him) You may NOT want another baby. So do something about it. Its your body. If he is wanting to by a NEW CAR, MOTOR CYCLE this is a clear sign of mid life crisis for him.
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