He seldom says "I love you"

[Solluna]

I'm hurting tonight. I've been dating Chris for a year and a half. We met while working for the census. Turned out that we have been crossing paths for 18 years. We grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same high school at the same time, parents and parent's friends know each other, went to the same college, and worked for the same company for the same amount of time.

Our relationship is great. We both have the same sense of humor, interests, and goals. We both don't want children or a traditional marriage. We both have common unorthodox and unique views on life and about ourselves. We are both also battling with depression/anxiety and help each other with that. We are committed and love each other.

There's that word though....... "love" I've always believed that actions speak louder than words. Love is a verb and I believe that we show it to each other by taking care of each other, doing things for each other, being there, and listening. But I also believe there should be a balance between putting 'love' into action and saying it.

He has said it very few times...... and it's usually when he has been drinking a bit. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere. I've been holding back from saying it too often because of him. But when I do say it, he either says nothing in return or says it back but it sounds a bit forced.

I'm not doubting his love....... I just wish he could say it more and without the influence of alcohol.

I think some of the reasons are:

1) its a personal choice not to say it more than actually showing it
2) He left an 8 year relationship 2 years before meeting me and he is still hurting and scared of saying it again.
3) He is emotionally closed off
4) He possibly doesn't feel the same love for me as he did for his ex and therefore won't say it to me.



Am i asking too much? How do I approach him?

Has anyone felt this way or is feeling this way?

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by Solluna

He has said it very few times...... and it's usually when he has been drinking a bit.

Awwwww .... That shows he really loves you!

[Solluna]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

Awwwww .... That shows he really loves you!

I don't really have any room for sarcasm if that is what you wanted to convey.... please elaborate or stay quiet.

[Agota]

Was there a time when he said "I love you" when sober?

In case there was, maybe it's an option to speak with him and let him know that you would appreciate if he would remind you that he loves you more often.

I've read somewhere that men sometimes don't get the need women have to hear "I love you" often, because they assume that we know it since they mumbled it was once ten years ago. Maybe that's the case and simple communication would solve the issue?

Anyway, in case he only said that while drunk, I'm not sure whether talking about this would be a good idea.

[Agota]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

Awwwww .... That shows he really loves you!

That's really not cool, ALG

[Solluna]

Yes, he has said it while not drinking. It's just more often when he says it after a drink or two.

I recently have communicated to him exactly how I feel and how it makes me feel. I will talk to him more about it when I see him next. I think you are right. It's really about communication and putting things into perspective. I think I've put a bad stigma because of TV and such that being under the influence of alcohol always means what comes out of your mouth is not valid. Sometimes it can be a truth serum too

But in this case I took it seriously because he has said more times after he becomes more uninhibited that when he is not. To me, that's an issues.

PS. Thanks for not encouraging ALG's insensitive comment.

[Acting Like Godot]

Ehh, don't you know?

Some reserved types don't take about their true feelings ... Until alcohol has loosened them up.

[Solluna]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

Ehh, don't you know?

Some reserved types don't take about their true feelings ... Until alcohol has loosened them up.

Yes and thank you for clarifying. You could have started with that statement. Thank you for elaborating.

[taylor]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

Some reserved types don't take about their true feelings ... Until alcohol has loosened them up.

This. He's protecting himself while sober but just says what he feels when his brain's turned off. Fairly common issue with guys.

[Kait]

I would either think he's just not the type of guy that says it "but shows it" or he has heard it so much "before" (in last relationship) that its made him sick. I think it personally takes time to heal a brokin heart. I think he surely wants to protect his self this time by not saying so much...I think too that he is making you work for it.

I would just calmly communicate my wants and needs to him.

He really sounds scared to me...If alcohol is bringing true feelings to the service (and I also think it is) then this is where he feels safe saying it...because if you leave him...he can say to him self " I was drunk, didn't mean it. Does this make sense to you?

[Solluna]

Originally Posted by Kait

I would either think he's just not the type of guy that says it "but shows it" or he has heard it so much "before" (in last relationship) that its made him sick. I think it personally takes time to heal a brokin heart. I think he surely wants to protect his self this time by not saying so much...I think too that he is making you work for it.

I would just calmly communicate my wants and needs to him.

He really sounds scared to me...If alcohol is bringing true feelings to the service (and I also think it is) then this is where he feels safe saying it...because if you leave him...he can say to him self " I was drunk, didn't mean it. Does this make sense to you?

Yes, it makes complete sense. I hear you saying what the others are saying, that he might be protecting himself from future pain and abandonment.

I guess I just have to accept his ways and be patient and understanding. I cannot and shouldn't expect him to express himself like I do. Much less pressure him. I never really have before, this is the first time that I've really felt this way and wanted to talk to him about it.

I've also been researching more about the scorpio male and its helping me understand it all much more. "Still waters run deep" basically.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by Solluna

Yes, it makes complete sense. I hear you saying what the others are saying, that he might be protecting himself from future pain and abandonment.

I guess I just have to accept his ways and be patient and understanding. I cannot and shouldn't expect him to express himself like I do. Much less pressure him. I never really have before, this is the first time that I've really felt this way and wanted to talk to him about it.

I've also been researching more about the scorpio male and its helping me understand it all much more. "Still waters run deep" basically.

I am a scorpio female not sure if there is a difference there. I didn't hear it much with my husband (soon to be ex) but I hear it all the time with my boyfriend. I am one that doesn't say it much either but I do feel when one says it "he means it" and I should respect him by saying it back. If you feel the same way...

I still feel he should be aware of his FEARS and I believe you are a loving giving person and should hear it sober. You deserve it and need to hear it...being patient is fine but it also is a need. Besides, he shouldn't make you suffer because he has been a victim. He should just trust his heart and believe what he feels without the drinking.

[MovingForward]

Since this is hurting you, I really think you should tell him. I really think you need to share with him that he is safe with you. I feel like you should not be restraining your desire to say you love him.
If you show him that you are willing to put aside your fear, I hope he will put aside his fear.

I say I love you because I mean it. I can feel the love bubbling out and I have to express it in words. Mostly with my son, I have to tell him I love him because I want him to recognize that is what we are generating, love in the moment and I want that identified.

[momo3bur]

If he really loves you, he won't hold it against you or quit the relationship if you share it with him.

Perhaps he needs a little desensitizing. Tell him you love him more often. He'll say it back and it might feel forced at first, but eventually it will become easier for him. I'm only saying this because I had this issue (verbally saying "I LOVE YOU" used to be very hard for me, even with people I genuinely loved) and basically this is what "fixed" me. I chose to be more verbal with my wuv because it hurt my husband's feelings that I never really said it back. I figured it was a small sacrifice to make to make myself a little uncomfortable, which eventually was not uncomfortable at all.

Words are words and just that. If he can get used to pushing those words out of his mouth, then it will be easier for him and you will feel better. If he already feels like he loves you, and it sounds like he does, then I'm willing to bet he'll get better and better at saying it and be just fine with doing so!

So say it, he'll force it back out, but eventually I love you will be just like saying hello and goodbye. Making sure you mean it is what counts.

[Roi]

I know that everybody likes to hear it from time to time, but reading what you wrote I can almost feel identified with him, I tend to express my deepest feelings only when drunk (sad, but true), in my opinion, the fact that he has problems with saying it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, and you know that's what matters the most.

[EmanQ]

To be honest ?

I think you are over thinking it. you have the right to feel bothered about it some times I understand that. I don't think it should create a problem though. With time people change and expressing feelings becomes more free,easy and open. He just needs time.

He definitely loves you though.

Enjoy the company of some one who loves you, instead of focusing on one thing. I bet that he will say it to you sober and that will happen in a couple of months.

You should be free with him too, if there is something just say it and don't hold it back.

[WisdomDome]

Well, it certainly is nice to hear, and it's nice to be reassured that you're loved, and you're right - actions DO speak louder than words, but words are still important and appreciated.

What I would recommend you do is to approach him and tell him that you would like to talk with him for a little bit because you have some things that you need to say, and then tell him how you feel. Be respectful of his feelings and don't point any fingers as to make sure you don't offend him. You need to remember that this isn't quite his problem, but it's something that you see and take personally as a problem, which is why you should approach the issue in a non-aggressive way.

If it sounds simple, it's because it is. Asking him if he has time to talk will set the mood and let him know that what is about to be discussed is important to you, and then just express your feelings. Tell him that you know that he loves you and that you appreciate the things that he does for you, but also let him know that you would appreciate it if he would verbally express it more provided he really feels that way about you.

In general, the more that you approach each other and talk about the things that bother you two, the easier it will be to open up to each other about things. Some people are more reserved and don't know how to bring the subject up, other peoples are afraid of hurting peoples feelings. Make it a habit to tell him about your feelings, and really open up to him and he may begin to open up to you more as well.

[ssandra]

Have you ever heard of the 5 love languages?

People express and feel love differently. These are the basic love languages:

Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

From: The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages

My suggestion to you?

Talk to him. Ask him, straight out; "What do you think of me" and "how do you feel about our relationship" and "where do you see us going"

After that, another day, have another conversation. Ask him (and ask yourself and tell him)

"when do you feel most loved?"
"how can I show you that I care about you?"
"what are the things that I do, that show you most how much I appreciate you?"
"Do you feel loved by me?"

Etc.

of course, adjust the wording of these questions to how you normally communicate, and how he communicates.

You can even just ask one at the time, if he isn't much of a talker. For example when driving somewhere longer then 30 minutes, just start the conversation with one of these questions.

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by Solluna

I think some of the reasons are:

Just talk to him.

Tell him the truth about your feelings on this issue. You'll be surprised by his response.

Talking honestly works much better than imagining possible scenarios.

[Moriarty]

Originally Posted by Solluna

I'm hurting tonight. I've been dating Chris for a year and a half. We met while working for the census. Turned out that we have been crossing paths for 18 years. We grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same high school at the same time, parents and parent's friends know each other, went to the same college, and worked for the same company for the same amount of time.

Our relationship is great. We both have the same sense of humor, interests, and goals. We both don't want children or a traditional marriage. We both have common unorthodox and unique views on life and about ourselves. We are both also battling with depression/anxiety and help each other with that. We are committed and love each other.

There's that word though....... "love" I've always believed that actions speak louder than words. Love is a verb and I believe that we show it to each other by taking care of each other, doing things for each other, being there, and listening. But I also believe there should be a balance between putting 'love' into action and saying it.

He has said it very few times...... and it's usually when he has been drinking a bit. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere. I've been holding back from saying it too often because of him. But when I do say it, he either says nothing in return or says it back but it sounds a bit forced.

I'm not doubting his love....... I just wish he could say it more and without the influence of alcohol.

I think some of the reasons are:

1) its a personal choice not to say it more than actually showing it
2) He left an 8 year relationship 2 years before meeting me and he is still hurting and scared of saying it again.
3) He is emotionally closed off
4) He possibly doesn't feel the same love for me as he did for his ex and therefore won't say it to me.



Am i asking too much? How do I approach him?

Has anyone felt this way or is feeling this way?

I understand that sometimes we just need reassurrance. "love" is a word that means different things for different people. If you need confirmation then first you need to lead the way. Never expect any more from another then what you know they can give you. That can only lead to disappointment. He may not know how to say 'i love you' and feel comfortable about it. Its something that we are all trained into. So dont try to force him. Simply know that he loves you by his expressing it and be keen to keep repeating to him that you love him without wanting it in return. Once he realises he's not put under pressure, he will eventually come round and with slow practice, he will feel okay with saying so.

That which we chase will keep running from us.

[frosting]

From just reading the post, I want to say simply "Don't Sell Your Love Short".

You have something many of us would really like ourselves to obtain. To have so much in common and to be able to really be there for each-other in genuine ways that is hard to find. Try to think of it on the opposite spectrum as well. What if you had a significant other who says I love you often but treats you like garbage? Wouldn't you much prefer it the way you have it?

I also agree with the under the alcohol influence comment. It really loosens our tongues to what is on our minds but we wouldn't normally say.

A casual conversation going something like... " I know you love me, I see it in your actions and how we care for one another but I would really appreciate hearing it just a bit more..." Couldn't hurt as long as its kept casual and not too "serious" or pushy.

[abcbac]

My parents never tell each other that they love each other but they have been happily married for over 20+years. They have never told me that they loved me and I have never told them. We just don't say "I love you". We show it. Talk doesn't mean anything. Only actions do. Also, some guys are just not into the touchy feely stuff. Don't stress.

[tractions]

Have you ever come across the book about the languages of love? While your love language may be in words, your boyfriend's love language clearly isn't. And being scarred from his previous relationship is not helping too.

I can't remember the exact title and author but I think it might help if both of you read it and understand each other's love languages.

[Solluna]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Have you ever heard of the 5 love languages?

People express and feel love differently. These are the basic love languages:


From: The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages

My suggestion to you?

Talk to him. Ask him, straight out; "What do you think of me" and "how do you feel about our relationship" and "where do you see us going"

After that, another day, have another conversation. Ask him (and ask yourself and tell him)

"when do you feel most loved?"
"how can I show you that I care about you?"
"what are the things that I do, that show you most how much I appreciate you?"
"Do you feel loved by me?"

Etc.

of course, adjust the wording of these questions to how you normally communicate, and how he communicates.

You can even just ask one at the time, if he isn't much of a talker. For example when driving somewhere longer then 30 minutes, just start the conversation with one of these questions.

This is incredibly useful and I'm glad that many of you told me about this. I have a more clear understanding, thank you. I will talk to him and just be honest with him. I'll also try my best to not over think it and just go with the flow on this one. I have thus far, why not some more?

Thank you for all your help

[Dulma]

Why does it bother you if you are sure of his love? I would suggest that you aren't completely sure, that the only reason it would irk you is that part of you wants to be assured that he does, in fact, love you the same.

And also, I'd be careful about saying it too much to him. I'm with someone who says it very very often and sometimes it makes me really uncomfortable because I feel like I have to say it back and it frustrates me to have to do that.

[Solluna]

Dulma -

I obviously am not completely sure of his love and its mainly from my insecurities and past experiences. It bothers me because I've never been with someone who doesn't say it often. It bothers me that he verbalizes that he feels pressured when it makes complete sense to me. But I have to deal with it and understand that not everyone expresses their love the same way. It bothers me because I lack understanding but it does not mean I am not capable of it.

And I completely agree with you that I shouldn't say it too much. Since I posted this I have tried not to say it too much and not expect him to say it back. I agree that it will come off as me putting pressure on him when it's not warranted.

Thank you for your input Dulma

[Moriarty]

Everyone is different of course. I dont say those 3 words to my current partner because he also has trouble saying them, so i've grown out of the habit now. But with my last husband, I reckon we must have said it all day to each other and because it came from the heart, we were both very comfortable with it.

Its something that you grow into when not used to it. I wouldnt stop saying it to him...just not quite as much until you desensitise him.

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by Solluna

I'm hurting tonight.

There's that word though....... "love" I've always believed that actions speak louder than words. Love is a verb and I believe that we show it to each other by taking care of each other, doing things for each other, being there, and listening. But I also believe there should be a balance between putting 'love' into action and saying it.

I'm not doubting his love....... I just wish he could say it more and without the influence of alcohol.


Am i asking too much? How do I approach him?

You've answered your own questions....yeah!!!

Allow him the total freedom to express himself. The first slight feeling of pressure makes him self-conscious. Instead, look inside yourself to see why you hanker for words? Is your mind dependent on him for your happiness? Probably so, and the mind is where vocabulary is.

So inspite of being with a loving guy, the mind wants some verbal comfort food. In other words, if he truly loves you and you're mind is wondering, it's your mind creating a problem that doesn't exist and that will interfere with his ability to love you spontaneously.

If he doesn't love you enough then in his freedom to be himself, you can detect that too and move on if need be. Why cling to something that doesn't exist to a depth where you can't be together fully?

I'm guessing that when he's drinking that he is sincere. That alcohol makes him forget to be his ego and his true nature gets to play which is why getting a good buzz is fun...it's fun to be our loving playful selves.

The problem is that the mind logically associates being drunk with happiness and creates the addiction. But at least see that intoxication and also sex give us a peek at some really amazing true qualities of our being because the mind is set aside with all it's issues that rob our joy.