Women: Do you break up with men?

[BillyTheAdult]

Okay as mentioned in my other thread I'm just going to start airing all my beliefs/grievances about women here in order to have them challenged and corrected, reframed or just plain discussed even my mind doesn't get changed.


So the first one is:
I have never been broken up with. I don't mean a woman has never made the choice to stop seeing me. I mean that a woman has never, even once, in all the relationships I have ever had bothered to let me know she doesn't want to see me anymore, they just stop calling or answering my calls. Then they will act like your dumb cause you don't get it if you do ever manage to talk to them. This includes even longer term relationships I've had. I have kind of just come to accept as a given that this is always the way it will be. For my part I always do a woman the courtesy of letting her know I don't wish to see her any longer and kind of even expect that I would get calls from her friends telling me I'm a bad person or a user or whatever if I didn't.

Recently the last girl I dated (earlier this year for about two months) who did exactly this, posted comments on my facebook (via a mutual friend, she's not on my list) like we were two people who just have casual conversation all the time. I did not want to start the drama especially over facebook, airing my dirty laundry in public, but the urge to tear her a new one was overwhelming.

So women, do you ever break up with men? Is this just a string of uncourteous women I've dated? Guys, what is your experience with this? What is going on here people!?!??!

[C33]

I've broken up with every single guy I ever was with, but before I took action, I can honestly say the guy broke up with me in a passive/aggressive way.

It could be something like: reducing frequency of calls, being moody and not expressing what is wrong, becoming distant for no apparent reason, blaming me for taking too much time/energy out of his precious life...etc...

Those are not the actions of someone who is in love and loving, which is why I broke up.

It happened 50% of the time.

Frankly, the whole Facebook airing one's dirty laundry in public sounds very immature.

I'm hearing those stories about people not calling and sharing how they feel publically on FB all the time. It's very sad.

You shouldn't take this personally. You can't build a relationship with that kind of behavior.

I think common courtesy dictates that if you are someone's boyfriend or girlfriend, you should treat them as a friend.

[Mariana Trench]

I've broken up with two guys. I wouldn't call these ones men. One started getting angry and yelling at me whenever he was scared he'd lose our extremely shallow relationship. He was extremely socially awkward and emotionally unavailable, and he was obsessed with me but seemed to have no interest in actually getting to know me. I told him flat out, but could never really give a reason because I wasn't as self aware, or generally aware as I am now. As I was breaking up with him, he told me I was more interested in sex than he was, as a bizarre and obviously passive aggressive attempt to slut-shame me (we were both virgins at the time). And then told me he disapproved of something I had told him in confidence.

The second guy I broke up with once I got the courage to tell him. It was clear, very clear that I had no attraction to him and the relationship was horrible. But I just found myself there--him thinking we had more than I ever wanted with him, after I had decided to just "see what happens"--and had to work up the courage to say "it's over". He was horrible. He made fun of me for my intelligence, and got angry when I disagreed with him, and then got angry when I wouldn't bring up certain subjects any more. He guilt-tripped me all the time, including into sex, and once referred to me as "a waste of money". I should have ended it much sooner than I did.

I am so glad I now am able to realize what is healthy and what is not. I felt guilty and relieved during and directly after each breakup.

[IvyW]

yes, every single one. I think its rude to just leave & not say a damn thing.

[OptimistPrime]

Originally Posted by BillyTheAdult

Guys, what is your experience with this?

The one woman I dated didn't break up with me, but she was very clear and honest about not feeling "into" the idea of a relationship, which made it relatively easy for me to propose a mutual breakup.

[aelle]

I ended the relationship once. I was moving to a different continent and he knew the relationship had an expiration date when we started dating. He accompanied me to the airport and I said something like "well, that was nice. Have a nice life, and let's keep in touch, ok?"

I suppose I could have been clearer and spelled out that the fact that we would be 10,000 km away from one another with no clear plans of moving to the same country ever again meant our relationship was over - especially since I knew he was more emotionally involved than me - but at the time it felt unnecessary cruel and an insult to his intelligence.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Mariana Trench

I've broken up with two guys. I wouldn't call these ones men. One started getting angry and yelling at me whenever he was scared he'd lose our extremely shallow relationship. He was extremely socially awkward and emotionally unavailable, and he was obsessed with me but seemed to have no interest in actually getting to know me. I told him flat out, but could never really give a reason because I wasn't as self aware, or generally aware as I am now. As I was breaking up with him, he told me I was more interested in sex than he was, as a bizarre and obviously passive aggressive attempt to slut-shame me (we were both virgins at the time). And then told me he disapproved of something I had told him in confidence.

The second guy I broke up with once I got the courage to tell him. It was clear, very clear that I had no attraction to him and the relationship was horrible. But I just found myself there--him thinking we had more than I ever wanted with him, after I had decided to just "see what happens"--and had to work up the courage to say "it's over". He was horrible. He made fun of me for my intelligence, and got angry when I disagreed with him, and then got angry when I wouldn't bring up certain subjects any more. He guilt-tripped me all the time, including into sex, and once referred to me as "a waste of money". I should have ended it much sooner than I did.

I am so glad I now am able to realize what is healthy and what is not. I felt guilty and relieved during and directly after each breakup.

Hey BillyTheAdult,

As much as it really sucks to be ignored, this might give you some good insight into why girls might ignore you. They may have similar experiences where guys get completely angry at them, for cutting it off..

Just try and remind yourself, that you're better off without them, and they don't deserve your attention.. Like, if they ignore you now, they'd only going to eventually cheat on you if you do end up with them.

As well, I think if you feel you've been led on, you should let them know how you feel you've been messed around, and left confused because of them.

[aelle]

Also, I had a guy end our relationship by cutting contacts. Except that as we were two very busy students (PhD candidate for him), long distance, with a 9 hour time difference, it wasn't particularly noticeable for weeks - and maybe I was a little thick, but I still had hopes for months. So, that sucked. So it can happen both ways.

I don't have a large enough sample of relationships behind me for it to be representative. But I don't know if it's a gendered behavior, or a widespread behavior. Maybe you do select, on some level, girlfriends who are particularly conflict-avoidant?

[Rezzy7]

Originally Posted by IvyW

yes, every single one. I think its rude to just leave & not say a damn thing.

Yeah. And maybe immature.

Originally Posted by OptimistPrime

The one woman I dated didn't break up with me, but she was very clear and honest about not feeling "into" the idea of a relationship, which made it relatively easy for me to propose a mutual breakup.

One of my breakups was similar. We both knew it was ending, and I could tell she was not going to bring it up so I did.

[Agota]

Originally Posted by Mariana Trench

As I was breaking up with him, he told me I was more interested in sex than he was, as a bizarre and obviously passive aggressive attempt to slut-shame me (we were both virgins at the time). [

This made me laugh... That's a really creative way to slut-shame someone, especially when a person is a virgin

That reminded me the time someone called me a slut when I was actually a virgin.. Made me laugh

[Agota]

..and about the original question, I really don't think that this behavior it's gender specific. It's normal that you assume that it's gender specific since you're a guy and you date women, therefore you get this from women, but many girls think it's gender specific in the opposite way, since they date guys and they get the same from guys. It's not a problem with men or women, it's a problem with our society where cowardice is totally accepted and courage isn't really considered a virtue by many people.

..There was a guy I dated two times (there was a one year gap between those two attempts) and he kind of disappeared both times. Talk about the fear of confrontation. Anyway, running into the same problem twice tells something about me as well, so I'd suggest to analyze how come you get involved with a girls who behave like that.

[elucidate]

I've broken up with all my past boyfriends, although with the last one, we both broke up with each other a number of times, in one of those stupid break up then get back together then break up etc. situations. He broke up with me via sms once...which was so pathetic.

I had one guy break up with me, when I was a teenager...my first boyfriend, but the numbnuts couldn't even do it himself and had to plan a staged break up where he took me to a concert that he paid for, then at some point decided to get some drinks...in which time, his friends all moved in and told me he wanted to break up with me. When he returned and I confronted him about it, he pretended he didn't know what was happening. I then had to spend a few hours in a car with his mother and sister after the frikkin' car broke down and he had to make several trips into town with a jerry can to fetch petrol (which I consider his karma for being such a dick).

I admit to once, when I was still just 20 and had real trouble rejecting people, as I was too nice...I instead cheated with a really cute young guy my own age who I met on a bus, on my boyfriend who was 15 years older than me, and then left a note under the bed for him to find which was a letter to the guy I was sleeping with. I did it so my boyfriend would find it while he was cleaning the room and hate me so much that he would break up with me, so I didn't have to break up with him.

Made sense at the time, but it was cowardly. Since then I always break up directly with the guy. I've only had 3 real relationships in my life though.

Billy, those girls you have been with sound lame. Just not calling you and letting you know, when you're in a relationship...that's pathetic.

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by BillyTheAdult

So women, do you ever break up with men?

I certainly have done.

Originally Posted by BillyTheAdult

Is this just a string of uncourteous women I've dated?

Quite possibly. Perhaps you might want to ask yourself why you keep attracting women like that?

[Karen TDQ]

Have to agree here. It is very cowardly and inconsiderate behaviour that is not gender specific. Date people with more guts!

[BillyTheAdult]

Originally Posted by Agota

..and about the original question, I really don't think that this behavior it's gender specific. It's normal that you assume that it's gender specific since you're a guy and you date women

Definitely. I realize that is the case.

Originally Posted by Agota

so I'd suggest to analyze how come you get involved with a girls who behave like that.

Originally Posted by ButterflyWoman

Quite possibly. Perhaps you might want to ask yourself why you keep attracting women like that?

I guess it comes down to low self esteem on my part, or at least when it comes to dating, or probably more accurately a few but powerful beliefs in this area. I tend to see women (just as in the other thread What is the point) as being the ones with all the choice and myself with none. As a result I tend to end up with women who select me and are aggressive about starting a relationship with me. I take the cowardly way in and they take the cowardly way out.

[vytas80]

Billy,

A good question to post, yet you need to consider the audience. It's a personal development for smart people forum. Thus people and especially women in this forum are highly conscious, courageous, courteous and gorgeous. Enough to let the poor guy know that its "game over, man".

Yet the worlds population's level of maturity and intelligence is way different than on this forum, thats why we have "Jercey shore" and Justin Bieber. So for the big part, yes its normal for women especially young ones to avoid the pain and just "slip away" from the relationships. No hard feelings, no guilt, no responsibility.

Breaking up in face is an action that requires decisiveness. Decisiveness is a masculine quality. On the other hand, there is lack of decisiveness that is a feminine quality. A truly feminine woman actually desires someone else to steer the direction of the relationship. So in your particular case it might be, that she met someone else with a higher level of decisiveness.

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by BillyTheAdult

I guess it comes down to low self esteem on my part, or at least when it comes to dating, or probably more accurately a few but powerful beliefs in this area. I tend to see women (just as in the other thread What is the point) as being the ones with all the choice and myself with none. As a result I tend to end up with women who select me and are aggressive about starting a relationship with me. I take the cowardly way in and they take the cowardly way out.

That is beautifully honest. Now, work from that, and work through that. I have every confidence you'll sort it out, you're obviously smart and aware.