Problems with Best Friend

[Grenvil]

Hey all, I am in a dilemma that makes me feel like dirt. It's rather long, I hope you guys can help me.
Usually, I would consult my best friend, but it has to do with her.

First, I am in high school, and have never really had close friends close enough for me to tell my problems to. Two years ago I met this girl through some homework-collaboration. She started IMing me, slowly at first just to request the night's homework or to talk about studying for a test. Then, we started talking about other, unrelated things, showing each other funny links or thought-provoking articles, talking about religion and society, and just talking more and more. She would always start the IM conversations, and after a year, we would be talking for hours upon hours deep into the night, sometimes even during school nights, where sleep is at a premium.
We only had one class together, and didn't hang out much (see: at all). I didn't mind, though.
We talked more and more. I was her journal, and she was mine. During the summer I suggested that we hang out, but nothing happened. She lives rather far away. We talked even more during the summer, sometimes talking for 5 or 6 hours. I loved it when she would just rant about her day on and on.
I would get bummed out when we didn't talk for 2 or more days. Otherwise, it was daily. We grew so close that I, even being the reserved shut-in I am, started telling her my problems and issues. I was a "mean" guy before, probably due to my lack of friends, but she was such a good friend, listening all the time.
I did not feel any sexual attraction towards her. Sure, she was pretty, nice, and tall, but I just never felt it for her. I am a short guy, probably matching her height or an inch above, while she is a bit above average. She probably didn't see me as a romantic partner either.
Next year, we didn't have any classes in common at all. We still talked every day, talking about our school days and such. I took her for granted, and she became the girl in the computer to me. We never saw each other face-to face, never hanging out. It was mentioned once or twice by her, quoting some articles saying that it is unhealthy and awkward. We communicated almost exclusively by IM. Almost every day, I would go home and she would IM me. Then, we would talk for hours while doing our homework. It was nice.
At the end of the year, my friend told me that she had feelings for me. Jokingly. But that made me feel awkward; she was just my friend.
Last summer, we hung out. Once. We went to the movies. She paid for my ticket and I bought the food, and it wasn't awkward at all, even though we have never hung out for the 1.5 years we were friends. At the end of the movies, I asked her to grab a bite to eat, but she declined, saying she would rather go home. I was a bit sad, to be sure, but I let her go.
We still talked almost daily, but with much less frequency. Gone were the 5+ hours of conversation. She was rather tired all the time.
I slowly harbored a slight crush for her.
I tried to ask her for some more time together, inviting her to go to a museum exhibit that I got free tickets for. She loves the museum. She declined date after date, saying she was busy or it was raining, or what have you. Those tickets expired soon after.
At the start of this school year, I had one class with her: ballroom dancing.

I thought this would be the year of social tranquility. I would have my best friend, we would dance together like real buddies, and we would hang out after school and before school. It would be awesome. We decided to share a locker and write notes to each other between classes. She wrote long paragraphs, and I responded with long paragraphs.
We hung out in the second week. During that session, which lasted maybe 10 minutes, we just went to a store to get some beverages when she saw a guy she barely knew. They exchanged words while he invited her to church on Sunday. I felt twangs of jealousy. She initiated a hug as a goodbye. I felt my gut jumble up. They barely knew each other's name. We got the beverages and I walked her to the subway. She didn't hug me for a goodbye.
Later, I asked her why, and she said that it was because I am not the hugging type.

I asked her many times to hang out after school or before school. She didn't like waking up early enough to hang out before classes, and she gets out over an hour earlier than me, and refuses to wait. I didn't push further than that.

So, we have a dance class together. In dance class, the boys and girls line up facing each other. She sits rather near me, but when lining up, she is on the total other side of the line, while I stay near where I am supposed to be. We ask a girl to dance, do the steps, then change partners. Maybe 3-4 different partners a day. She, being on the other side of the room, only one day, after weeks almost ignoring me in that class, resentfully asked me to dance, saying "Oh, I GUESS I WILL." I am generally not that bad. We laughed like mad friends with an infinite supply of inside jokes. It was the most fun I had for a long time. Usually, she dances with the same guy she hugged during that one day.
It happened once more. Then, something terrible happened: we are supposed to switch partners to the right. I was to her right, and she took one look at me, raised her hands in a shrug, then exclaimed "NO!" with a nice big chuckle.

Frickin' broke my heart.

Tore my insides apart. I was completely silent for the rest of the day, my stomach hurting like nothing else.

I ranted in a note in our locker. What, just because I'm not super-hot like the other guys, she can't be seen with me in a dance class? Does she really think I am that bad? I was furious, sad, confused, and devastated. She already doesn't hang out with me any other time, she has the nerve to outright reject me during a freaking dance class? I was to her right, but I guess I'm not good enough to dance with her during a class? She had to make her way to that hugging guy? Was he so much better? I thought I was her best friend! She was mine! What, the hours and hours of conversation meant nothing? She barely knew his name that time!

That night, I brought it up. She said we weren't good when dancing together. Millions of things flew through my head: is it because she prefers the guy she has a crush on? Or maybe the guy she hugs? She always asks the same few guys to dance. Is it because I am short? The other guys are substantially taller than me. I gave in and apologized for "putting her on the spot" as she said I did.

I guess this is where it starts getting bad.
By now, I have a girl who doesn't hang out with me at all. She barely acknowledges me during dance class, and we barely talk on IM anymore. She doesn't initiate like she used to. She now volunteers on Sundays and told me about a year-younger guy who is so nice to her. They hung out for lunch. The played a social game together. He said she was pretty. He wiped gravel off of her face. He walked her to a subway station. And this was all in one day. I went off, saying that this was not going to end well: she will eventually just ignore me due to having a hotter, taller, younger guy to talk to. She didn't respond to that. My insides rotted as I aimlessly browsed the web trying to fill that void. She had already been IMing me less, not daily, and not talking for hours, and not responding quickly. I almost broke down. I didn't have many friends, she was my best one, essentially my only one. She fulfilled all of my social needs, so I never really bothered to befriend anyone else. I had acquaintances, and I went to them for help. Didn't really help. They didn't have her nuances, her style of speech, her insight, or anything that made me like her so much.
She didn't IM me for a long while. She essentially ignored me during dance class. Her notes in the locker got shorter and shorter, and then she didn't even bother responding. I wrote a paragraph and she would reply with "LOL sry g2g TTYL!" She is not one to talk in abbreviations, she couldn't spend more than four seconds to read my meticulous messages?
It got worse and worse. When we did talk, it was late at night. She would IM me and I would be so relieved. Hey, maybe it's over, I would think.
She would ask about something related to school. Or something she needed. Then, when I tried to talk about other things or steer the conversation, she would reply so slowly, taking maybe 10-20 minutes to respond to one IM. The knots just grew larger and larger in my stomach.

[Grenvil]

It frickin' hurt like hell.

She now rarely IMs me. We don't talk in class. Our locker notes have all been thrown away. She told me she had a crush on the guy in her volunteer work today when I saw her at our locker during a bathroom break. That broke my damn heart too. She said she was okay with not seeing me once a week, but couldn't wait for volunteer. I said we don't hang out once a month anyway. I asked her why she we don't even talk anymore. She gave me shifty answers. I almost broke down again. I asked her if I was clingy. I said I thought I wasn't. I never initiated IMs; when I did, she would usually be busy or incredibly slow in responding.
I have her letters she wrote me when we were still talking. I keep them in my binder, and my ribs collapse when I see them.

Now it's late at night and it's been a long time since I've talked to my only friend. I went ahead and searched online for my problems a few days ago, and today just pushed me over the edge.


Hi guys. Hope you can help me. Am I too clingy? Am I just not giving her enough space? This friendship, or lack thereof, just hurts. It's like swallowing broken glass. I lost my only friend. I don't feel as though I was her best friend. I don't feel as if she cares. I'm just another one of her friends, and she's almost insanely popular and friendly as hell to everybody, giggling all the time to everybody.

I consider myself a good friend. I listen to her problems, I console her, I support her. I help her all the time, drawing her pictures as random presents, giving her the original artwork. I make her feel good and happy. I am always there to talk. I helped her with her random questions. I showed her the wonderful world of post-rock and lent her my precious headphones, which prompted her to get the same pair. She asks for my opinion on everything, and I reply honestly. Clothing, music, movies, books, problems in the world, her day, her own social problems. Anything, and I listen, and I help her, and I talk to her.

How could she even do this to me?

What did I do wrong? Did I telegraph my slight feelings for her? I don't even want to go out with her.
Right now, I just want to be her friend.


She's the only person I even give a damn about.

[DANDUNGAN]

What if you didn't do anything wrong.

I'm wondering what you need right now?

[Grenvil]

I just need her to be my best friend again. Maybe I'm emotionally unstable, but she is my only friend, and my best friend.

She used to IM me every single day, eager to talk. Maybe I was a fad. Maybe this fad has passed.


Well, my stomach has started to rot. Looks like tonight I'm snacking on shards of metal.

[DANDUNGAN]

Hey, I'm wondering if she were to be your best friend again--what would that do for you?

[Grenvil]

For one, I'd have someone to talk to again, and not spend my nights playing video games by myself or grinding away at homework without humorous support.

I barely want to become her boyfriend, though I am insanely jealous she hangs out with her crush in person now more than she talks me online. I could deal with that. I'm only scared she'll stop talking to me. And she already has.

It's hard for me to make friends. Sure, my best friend may not regard me so highly, but I had thought I was at least one of her close friends?


Mostly, I'm just going insane with loneliness in and out of school.
I used to cope using her handwritten notes and comical drawings, but she doesn't write any anymore. It saddens me to see that unchanged paper every day in my locker. She isn't there to keep me company online, either.


If she were to become my best friend, and I were to become hers, I would be happy again, like the blissful time a year ago. I don't want to drift apart this easily, this quickly, this dramatically.

[DANDUNGAN]

Could you be happy if you were able to develop a new best friend?

[Grenvil]

I think that would just be another way for me to ignore the problem. I have started attempting to develop friendships with my other friends, but they just don't "seem right." Even with talking with others, I think of her.

This girl and I have talked for hours upon hours about everything, and it's just hard to let her go. I assumed she would be my life-long friend. We never run out of topics to talk about and used to talk daily. I just miss that so much.

[DANDUNGAN]

That must be hard, not to be able to talk with her.

[Grenvil]

Yup. Every night, I just try to cope. I used to listen to mostly depressing music, but now I'm just trying to listen to the Beatles and raise my spirits. I know the solution is to either tell her, but after last time... she just stopped talking to me more. She is socially adept and has no problem making friends, unlike me. She made friends with her crush in a day. I'm scared she will replace me.

I can't replace her...

[DANDUNGAN]

I understand that no one can take her place and wouldn't it be useful If you were able to make new friends easily?

[Criseyde]

I'm sorry. I've kinda been there.

I think it would be better for you to let her go. Let bygones be bygones and all. I don't really know what's up with her, but it's pretty obvious that she doesn't want to continue at the same level as before.

The other thing is this... it's really, really difficult (if not impossible) to continue those marathon talking sessions. Those are really fun and nice when you're just getting to know someone. But they're not really sustainable. Everyone has other things to do -- they can't just put their lives on hold to spend hooooooouuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrs talking. That's the honeymoon period, when you're in each other's back pockets. After it's over, you have to be able to adjust to the friendship/relationship in normal life. And if you don't freak out when it stops happening all the time, and stay friends, you can still do them sometimes. And then it'll be even more special because it's a special thing. You know?

[Grenvil]

@DANDUNGAN: Of course I would love to make friends more easily. I have friends, just not true "friends" as I would describe them. More like people I just talk to for homework and such. I just... don't take an interest in them.

@Criseyde: That is unfortunate to hear, but exactly what I expected... I know it's incredibly difficult to just sustain it, but we did it for almost two years! Only for the last few months has she been neglecting me, and I only think it because of her new friends. She used to tell me all the new wonderful people she met, in the beginning of the school year, and I would get a bit worried. She is so friendly, I get worried others will "take" her away from me. And yeah, I guess it happened.

It just sucks that she doesn't even talk to me at all now! She essentially turns her back on me, refusing to follow a class instruction to switch partners to me. She goes out of her way to dance with the other, tall boys. She looks forward to hanging out physically with her crush, once a week for an hour long lunch and for him to walk her to the subway! I've hung out with her twice in two years!

Just hurts, when you aren't your best friend's best friend.

[Criseyde]

Originally Posted by Grenvil

@DANDUNGAN: Of course I would love to make friends more easily. I have friends, just not true "friends" as I would describe them. More like people I just talk to for homework and such. I just... don't take an interest in them.

@Criseyde: That is unfortunate to hear, but exactly what I expected... I know it's incredibly difficult to just sustain it, but we did it for almost two years! Only for the last few months has she been neglecting me, and I only think it because of her new friends. She used to tell me all the new wonderful people she met, in the beginning of the school year, and I would get a bit worried. She is so friendly, I get worried others will "take" her away from me. And yeah, I guess it happened.

It just sucks that she doesn't even talk to me at all now! She essentially turns her back on me, refusing to follow a class instruction to switch partners to me. She goes out of her way to dance with the other, tall boys. She looks forward to hanging out physically with her crush, once a week for an hour long lunch and for him to walk her to the subway! I've hung out with her twice in two years!

Just hurts, when you aren't your best friend's best friend.

Yeah, I know. It's more common and easier to do things like that in high school. You have more time. Also, at that stage of life, you're kind of... more willing to be that bonded. I had a couple friendships like that, where we were just so into each other. I really don't mean to sound condescending, not at all, but I think it's a development stage thing. At this time in life, I wouldn't even want to have that kind of bond with someone -- because the bond swallows you. It's amazing, but it becomes you in a way that I don't think is healthy. I still have really great, close friendships and relationships, but I don't feel so utterly consumed by them. I can do my own things, and I feel like my own person. I'm not just a node in this bond.

When I "broke up" with one of the guys I had that with (the other person was a girl and we didn't ever have a falling out, we just grew apart), I made a huge list of why he wasn't good for me, and I read it every day at first. It helped a lot. It took me a relatively short time to get over him -- a few months until I felt pretty much normal and happy all the time again. You could try that.

[DANDUNGAN]

Grenvil, I'm in california, and it's 11:13--I need to sleep.

You say you're in high school. I wish I were in you're shoes.

I'm 5'4''. and most of my life I spent depressed about my size. Well, it turns out that size isn't the issue--for me anyway. It was my attitude. When I learned to love and respect myself, I was amazed at the women I attracted.

I'll put it this way. There are so many women who find short guys attractive that--if you put her needs first--will be willing to really go the distance.

This is advice that you didn't request, but I need to sleep.

Love yourself. Respect yourself. Develop your interests. There's a lot to learn, and it can be an amazing journey!

Good night, Grenvil.

Hey, by the way is your real name Grenvil? From which culture is your name?

[Grenvil]

@Criseyde: I guess this was never meant to continue on like this. Didn't think it'd end during high school, though.. not going away to college until next year. I've always thought I'd lose her when we went to other sides of the country, but I was also relieved at the fact that our relationship was just IMing each other. We could do that even if she moved to Russia and I went to Brazil.
I made that list. For some reason, I feel as though I should confront her again about these issues. I think I'm almost a saint to her. I adore her so much... it's just not returned. There are so many things but I can just forgive her if she'd talk to me. That's all I really want. She is "that friend" that one can just go to.
The list is rather long and a lot of them could be compliments if looked at from an angle. I want to confront her about these and solve these problems, but she told me she was annoyed by my being annoyed, only for me to say that I'm annoyed that she's annoyed, only to make her say "What? I'm not annoyed." Which makes me even more annoyed. Why can't she just be a nicer person to me?

@DANDUNGAN: I'm not that concerned about my size, although diminutive, whatever. I've learned to just not care. I may not be so comfortable or think myself so attractive, but I don't think it is hindering a FRIENDSHIP. It does hinder her (a tall girl) physical attraction for me (a short guy). Thankyou for the advice, however, I have heard that many times and I believe it! I know it will get better and I have a long life ahead.
I just want to share that life and my experiences with my best friend.

Also, haha, Grenvil isn't my real name. I wish it was! It's just a name I've learned to love due to it being granted to me as a nickname by an outstanding teacher some years ago. I forgot the significance, but I love it.

It's time for me to sleep too... it's 2:30 AM here, but I'm feeling a little bit more empowered to try and put her behind me. She seems to have this INSANE grip on my feelings, and it's intoxicating, but for some reason I love it. It disturbs me how much control she has over my state of mind, she could instantly fix it by talking to me.
I feel as though something is seriously wrong with me.

[dogstar]

Originally Posted by Grenvil

It disturbs me how much control she has over my state of mind, she could instantly fix it by talking to me.
I feel as though something is seriously wrong with me.

And thus you have hit the nail on the head hun. You have given all your power for happiness away to someone else. You need to figure out how you can be happy with yourself and then realize that noone else's actions can take that away.

Once you figure that out, you won't need her or anyone else to make you happy. That's when new people will show up in droves to befriend you.

She doesn't require other people to make her happy does she? Pretty attractive quality she has there eh?