A very bad break up..

[LittleMiss]

Hey guys, this is my first time writing on the forum! I've been lurking for quite awhile on the break up posts, and now I decided to write my own.. I hope you guys can give me insightful tips on how to deal with this

Okay! Here we go!

I had my first boyfriend a few months ago. He seemed like the kind of guy I could imagine being with after high school. He played guitar, I painted. We were two artists that had common interests. He was also the new kid, so I was his first friend that hung out with him. We were best friends for about half a year, and then he asked me out. The way he asked me out wasn't the best.. He thought I didn't like him, and was tired of being rejected by girls (He's a very handsome fellow, he just has the habit of falling in the friend zone) So he decided to go for a girl that liked him. He told me before he asked her out. I got jealous and told him I liked him. Which was very true, I was beginning to have a crush on him. I realize now I shouldn't have said anything, because I was more jealous then in love with him. The girls name was Sami.

As the days went on, I fell in love with him. There were many bumps in the road, but that is so be expected. He stilled talked to Sami to my dismay, and I would spend nights thinking that he liked her. It drove me insane. I would tell him how jealous and uncomfortable I was with her, and he would tell me they hardly talked. That proved to be false when we were on facebook together, and she started messaging him. I soon came to realize that they were just good friends, but it still hurt that he would talk to her and not me sometimes.

But we were a very good couple. We tried our best to make each other happy. Sometimes I wished he would call more, or be more affectionate. He was the type to keep emotions hidden. He has a very rough family life. His mother can be.. just horrible. Yelling for nothing, screaming at him and his sister with me in the room. It was terrible.

In August, he told me he wanted to break up. He said he had a change of 'mindset' and had fallen out of love. He liked me more outside a relationship. He said maybe next year we could try again. He told me right now he needed support from his best friend (me) then a girlfriend.

As August went on, he would kiss me when I was at his house, and hold me, and tell me how depressed he was getting, and wishing things were different. In public, he would hardly talk to me and barley hold my hand. When he was with his friends he acted his normal self. I told him about this and he said it was because 'since I knew he was depressed, he was more comfortable being quite near me, and being fake happy near other people' This upset me because I was used to his happy self near me.

I would call him and ask him why he was distant, and if he loved me, why do this to me, and not be in a relationship with me. He would respond with 'I need my best friend. Sorry I'm not who I used to be.' and get quiet, and not respond, until finally I would cry and he would apologize and leave.

This went on for awhile until we decided to stop kissing while not being in a relationship. He got mad at me for not being there for him in helping him deal with his mom. If he needed help from me, he should of not broken up with me, because that just made me depressed. So we started ignoring each other. Finally in September, he tried to be friends again. I was to hurt, and ignored him, and told my friends all about how he kissed me in private, and how he used me. I later told them I exaggerated and was just upset. He learned about how I degraded his character, and got mad at me. We stopped talking yet again.

I found out he asked out Sami. She rejected him. His best friend was surprised and told me 'I don't know why he did it. He didn't want the relationship with Sami to last long. He said he didn't care if it lasted a month' His friend then continued to tell me 'Maybe hes doing it to get over you? You guys had something special, I don't know what hes doing.' This got me thinking. What was he doing?

Last week I tried to contact him. I told him I wanted to try and be friends, 'and he said 'It dosen;t matter to me. I don't have an opinion on you anymore. Seeing as how I already tried to be friends and failed, I don't know if it's worth it. I'm focusing on moving out of my moms house now that I'm 18.'

I feel odd. At school when he sees me, he just stares at me. He hangs around with kids he didn't know prior, and now he flirts with many girls. When he does talk to me, he stares me down, but his voice is very quiet, and only one word responses. We hardly talk. I just really miss him as a friend. A lot of his friends tell me that hes been different since the break up. Me and my Ex share many of the same friends. We had something good, but it ended because he had a changed 'mindset' and family issues. Ahh, what should I do?

I'm unsure of the situation. Are there any suggestions? How do you think he feels? What should I do? Is there any hope for the future of us?

I'm sorry for the long post.. I'm just so confused.

[Curious cat]

Your friend clearly has alot going on inside. It's always difficult dealing with life when you are trying to figure out who you are. This happens to most of us, regardless of our age.

From your post, one thing is clear. He is not in the right state to be in a relationship. You have every right to be confused. He is sending you mixed messages. And it's because he himself doesn't know exactly what it is that he wants. He needs to work on reconciling his conflicting wants first. One cannot expect to be intimate with an ex-lover, yet maintain at arms' length when it suites. It's not fair on you for him to be hot and then cold. You deserve to move on and not be baited back into a false sense of relationship, neatly bundled under the disguise of 'friendship'.

If want to pursue friendship with your friend, no-one can tell you otherwise. But before you settle back into this friendship, I would suggest you be clear (to yourself) what your boundaries are, and what you are willing to do to enforce those boundaries. I would assert this to your friend and make it clear to him so that he knows precisely where you stand.

I'd like to also add something which I'm sure you already know yourself, but it helps to hear it from a stranger. If you invest yourself and your time in your friend, the opportunity cost is you are closing yourself off from having something great and wonderful with other people out there.

Good luck!

[LittleMiss]

Thank you! I'm thinking of trying to pursue a friendship. It's a little hard, because now he's not trying. He's upset at me for not being there for him. But I'm starting to think it's not worth it. He seems more or less content with his new friends. It just sucks it had to end this way..
I'm hoping things might get a little better. We both are in a theater production together, so we will be seeing more of each other for the first time in months. I'm hoping this might be a way to rekindle our friendship.
Deep in my heart I have a feeling this friendship is dead, but who knows what the future holds?

[newkaren]

Originally Posted by LittleMiss

Thank you! I'm thinking of trying to pursue a friendship. It's a little hard, because now he's not trying. He's upset at me for not being there for him. But I'm starting to think it's not worth it. He seems more or less content with his new friends. It just sucks it had to end this way..
I'm hoping things might get a little better. We both are in a theater production together, so we will be seeing more of each other for the first time in months. I'm hoping this might be a way to rekindle our friendship.
Deep in my heart I have a feeling this friendship is dead, but who knows what the future holds?

It's really hard to be friends after a break up. I'd stay away at least for a while while emotions calm down.

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by LittleMiss

I'm starting to think it's not worth it.

This is the thing that stands out for me. If you feel this way, and he's clearly not interested in pursuing a friendship (at least at this time and maybe not for the forseeable future), it does appear to me like it's more trouble than it's worth.

Originally Posted by LittleMiss

It just sucks it had to end this way.

Yeah. It does.

Originally Posted by LittleMiss

I'm hoping things might get a little better.

It might. Give it some distance, though. When you see him (through the production) be cordial and pleasant, but don't press the issue.

Originally Posted by LittleMiss

Deep in my heart I have a feeling this friendship is dead, but who knows what the future holds?

Indeed.

[LittleMiss]

Just an update!
Me and him no longer talk to each other at all. I think that might be for best. I'm a little sad it had to turn out this way, because I really liked him.. He was my first love. But oh well. Guess that's just how it goes. During the theater stuff we are in, we avoid being near each other, and don't make eye contact.
We both messed up, and I'm ready to learn from my mistakes!
Can't wait for the next guy!

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by LittleMiss

I'm a little sad it had to turn out this way, because I really liked him.. He was my first love.

I'm sorry, but I think you're right that it's probably for the best.

However, I'll tell you a true story.

My first true love and I broke up in, oh, I dunno, 1982 or something (was a long time ago, I was a teenager). It was not a pleasant breakup, and we had a lot of deep history between us. We had no contact at all for years after that, and then we sort of ran into each other again on the net in the mid-late nineties, so probably 12 or 15 years or so later. We became re-acquainted and renewed our friendship via the net, and have seen each other a few times since then (it would be more, but we live in different countries now ). I still get emails from him now and then telling me something that happened that he wants to share, something that reminded him of me, etc., and I do the same with him. It's quite sweet after all these years.

If our lives had gone different directions, though, we might have gotten back together. I could see us as sort of affectionate flatmates with benefits...

Point is, time can sometimes heal some very deep hurts, and things sometimes work out in unexpected ways. For now, you're best just letting it go. But who knows what the river of time will bring floating into your life at some point in the unseen future.

[LittleMiss]

wow! Your very lucky to still have that contact with him!
Sadly, I don't think that'll be the case with me, and I'm actually kind of glad. I'm now officially over him! I can't believe I spent months crying over him. Ugh! It feels like I missed fall, my favorite season, because I was at home getting depressed over Andrew! Gah! Oh well, at least now I can enjoy winter.
He's now dating the Sami girl, and I'm happy for him! We went our separate ways, and everything's good. He was too much trouble for me. I'm still a kid, I never wanted handle his family situations. Hopefully Sami will help him be more happy.
I've fallen for my very good friend. He's been there for me through all of this, and I owe him a lot. I never thought I'd go for him, but somehow he won me over! I'm starting to be very happy and content with life again! Thanks everyone for listening! This will probably be my last update!
Toodles! <3