My Fiancťe is afraid of sex?
My Fiancťe (Hailey) and I have been together for nearly seven years and we have never had sex. The reason being she was raped when she was nineteen years old and she became pregnant with a baby girl who is now eight years old. She has not had sex with another man since and even though she tells me that she trusts me and I am the first guy she has loved she doesnít want to do it and frequently changes the subject when I bring it up in conversations.
To say our relationship has been difficult would be an understatement. Most of my friends and family say it is unconventional but I love this woman and I would be willing to do anything to make it work. She is the girl of my dreams.
I have taken her to therapists about this but it hasnít changed the way she feels about sex and Iím beginning to think we will never do it. It is a problem but if we donít I will still marry her because that is how much I love her. We have been living together for four years and her daughter believes I am her biological father and calls me Daddy. I have a great relationship with her and my Fiancťe says I am the best Dad in the world.
Our daughter does not know her mother was raped and Hailey never wants her to find out. She has never seen the guy that raped her again and he does not know. She told me if he ever came one step near her daughter she would not hesitate to kill him.
She has developed a hatred for men and luckily she views me as an exception. After she gave birth to our daughter she spent three years learning self defence and spent time in the gym so if another man tried to hurt her she would know how to protect herself. She knows that I would never harm her and she says meeting me was one of the best things that happened to her.
We are finally getting married in January on the same day we got together seven years ago and she talks about it every day. Even though we have never had sex we kiss and cuddle and we do everything else most normal couples do but it does bother me sometimes because I have never experienced it.
My girlfriend before Hailey passed away when I was seventeen and I am still a virgin. Hailey is older than me and she was in a few other relationships before she was raped in which she was physically and emotionally abused and I think they contributed to her fear of sex.
I donít want to complain but I am confused and donít know what to do. Should I just give sex the flick altogether or should I be encouraging her to see more people about this problem. I donít want to force her to do anything she doesnít want to do.
First of all, that's a lot of sadness in your former and current loves, so I feel for you there.
I'm not sure how to advise you here? It's awesome that you are willing to stand by her even though your needs are not being met, and may not for a while. Most wouldn't be able to stick through it I don't think. 7 Years is a very long time to go without having sex with the person you love.
Sex is an important part of any healthy relationship. If you were gay then it would be a perfect situation for both of you, but you aren't I take it, and it's hard when she won't even let you speak about it with her.
You sound like a very understanding person, and you obviously love her a great deal, so i'm sure that is helping her immensely. It's a challenging situation you're in.
I think this is a pretty normal thing that victim/survivors experience. My mother was raped before she met my father, and I don't think, apart from conceiving my brothers and me, that she liked sex or had it much after that. I've had similar experiences since I was assaulted as well, and it changed the way I felt towards men also, which is unfortunate.
My point is, I can't say for sure that your love will start to want sex again...that's the truth. She may...but it's possible she may never get past it unless there is real determination on her part to heal and get that part of her life back.
If she trusts you and cares about you the way you obviously care about her, then communicating about this in a way that is sensitive to both your needs and feelings is important. You deserve to get your needs met as well. Both of you have needs here. Hers are very complex, and yours are just as important. so I don't think you are complaining at all. It's ok for you to want to have sex with the woman you love...that's perfectly normal. It's just an unfortunate situation.
Are you willing to spend the rest of your life w/o having sex?
Because that is the deal you are getting.
I understand where your fiancee is coming from. I have a few friends who were raped, and they don't like sex.
Good luck to you what ever you decided.
Complicated situation. I guess you need to ask yourself what option will bring you more happiness in the long run. It's good that you're being realistic about this, that's the way to make this decision.
Personally, I can't help thinking: how in the world is she the girl of your dreams if you never even had sex?
I think there's a possibility that the two of you will never have sex. Rather than trying to think about how to convince her to have sex, I think it would probably be more worthwhile to start from there. I don't know how likely it is but I would certainly not encourage you to marry her on the assumption that you will eventually be able to sleep with her (it doesn't sound like you have illusions about this, though -- that's a good thing).
If you love her and want to be with her and also want to have sex, could you open up your relationship?
Its obvious that you love this woman very much. You sound like a wonderful man.
First of all, I think it might be more useful to stop thinking of this problem as "her" problem - its both of your problems now. Its a relationship problem. What would you think about going to couple's counseling together?
It could be that there are ways both of you could have a sex life that is more satisfying. With guidance from a good therapist, I'll bet the two of you can slowly make your way to more intimacy. It might be that penetration is something she will never be able to do, but there are many things between cuddling and penetration that are very fun and loving. A therapist is essential, though, as probably neither one of you will be able to identify the kinds of needs she will have for control and for safety and how to meet those needs.
I think your focus is in the wrong place. To me, it sounds like the problem is less that she won't have sex, and more that she won't talk about it. Stonewalling is one of the top reasons that relationships collapse over time, because it means that she knows that there's an issue, and is absolutely adamant that it never be resolved.
I'm not sure what to tell you, because you can't force her to fix herself, and it doesn't sound like you have to in order to be in her life. It sounds like she'd have to be living in a lot of fear, though, since half the world is men, and the man she loves wants to have sex with her. Maybe the best thing would be for you to let her know that you want her to be strong and happy instead of living in fear and pain.
One question I have is, if she really trusts you, then why doesn't she try to have sex with you when she knows you want to? The problem isn't that she gets bored or that it's painful for her, it's that sex is something she refuses to do with you. If all she trusts is that you'll never challenger her fears, then that's just complacency. Your relationship will always be limited by the fact that her trust is being used as a means of avoiding confronting a traumatic experience.
You can never demand trust, but you should be aware if she doesn't have it for you, and she should be aware that you're aware. Thankfully, you can continue to trust her even if she doesn't trust you.
My thought process complete did a 180 on how I was going to reply to this between the time I read the Subject and the time I read the actual Post.
No one would envy your situation Gary. I don't think there is a one size fits all fix for this.
As humans, no matter what religious or nonreligious beliefs you have, we are physically biochemically and emotionally DESIGNED to have sex. Don't feel the least bit of regret or embarrassment for posting this very serious question here. It a real problem and you're doing great by investigating potential answers.
I personally am a Christian. I'm sincerely not throwing religion into this to make it a heated debate. But the Bible says that Man and Woman are to lay together. I mean, we have chemicals in us that make us want sex on a fundamental level...
Sex is more than just a pleasure thing, so never feel bad about your concerns with this.
You have to answer 1 very specific question before you can make any progress with this. Are you willing to not have sex your entire life?
If you bring it up to her, keep the emotions as low as possible. You don't want it turning into a fight.
Does she even know this is a concern for you?
I suffered serious sexual abuse as a child and was raped by a boyfriend and my husband. (we are seperated now )
I really think she needs to work harder at this. It's very admirable that you are willing to still marry her. But I just think she also needs to consider your needs. Does she really expect you to not ever have sex with her? I think that's a little selfish.
Avoiding the problem doesn't make it go away. Going to therapy a few times isn't going to resolve this. She needs to find a therapist that speciallizes in sexual trauma.
If she is unwilling to deal with it to make you happy - then I think you have more invested in the relationship than she does.
Just to add - I was sexually abused by three different members of my family on my father's side. Sexually assaulted by two other men (acquantainces) Sexually abused by a therapist. Anally raped by a former boyfriend. Raped by soon to be ex- husband.
I've been seeing therapists on and off for ten years. I am nearing the end of my healing. I know this because I have stopped acting out sexually. Made healthier choices for myself. Am feeling ready for a relationship.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
She may not want to relive anything or face her challenges with this, so instead she just gave up. That's what it sounds like to me. It's also true that denial is a way the mind protects the person from facing what is scary, and Hailey may not be ready yet to face her past, in which case patience is necessary...but 7 years...you've been pretty patient already.
At the very least, you may need to really assert yourself with her about communicating about your needs in this matter...otherwise it sounds like Hailey will never really see that it's affecting you this much...and may not be able to think about you in this until you let your needs be known.
I can understand it from Hailey's point of view...but it really isn't fair on you. You deserve to have a normal, healthy relationship that involves sexual expression.
There needs to be balance in a relationship.
I'm going to go opposite to what everyone else is saying -- you are not entitled to sex from her. You may want to have sex, and that's okay, and opening the relationship so you can get that need fulfilled is okay as long as she's okay with it. It's okay to feel frustrated you're not getting some.
But pressuring her to have sex is way unhealthy. I realise you're not doing this but seeing the comments makes me want to state that.
It is not selfish to not want sex. If she doesn't want sex, that is okay. She is not being selfish, she is taking care of herself, and having sex -- even with someone she trusts as much as you -- will put her in an unsafe place. That's why she doesn't do it. She doesn't owe you sex and I'm sickened that some people seem to be suggesting that.
There's a reason why a man pressuring a girl to have sex is rape. If she slept with you and didn't want to, you'd not only be chucking a wrench into her healing, that would be rape because it would not be complete consent. She'd be doing it because she'd be feeling pressured.
That is not okay.
Are you willing to go without sex for the rest of your life to be with her? If so, good on you. If you want to open your relationship to get sex and she's okay with that -- good on her too.
But the question is, does she want to have sex again one day and she just can't bring herself do it? If so, you can work with her. Go to counseling with her, figure out what she needs, and help her along and always back off when she tells you to. Baby steps. But if not, then there's nothing you can do, and you have three options -- live with it, open your relationship (with her consent), or break up with her. Remember that she could be feeling pressured and feel abnormal because she doesn't want it and that will only scare her off the idea even more.
Of course he isn't 'entitled' to sex from her, but sex is a part of a healthy relationship. If he is willing to go without for his whole life then that's fine and his choice, but he is asking people for our take on it, so how can you expect us to not recognize that he also has needs that are not being met here?
If anything I see people recognizing that whilst hailey is perfectly fine not wanting sex, it still doesn't address Gary's needs, and since there are two of them in a relationship...both peoples needs are equally important. You seem to be saying that his aren't as important, and that Hailey's needs are more important.
I do think that not even allowing him to discuss the issue is not really thinking of him here, which is what I find selfish, not that Hailey doesn't want to have sex...that part is understandable, I can see it is obviously a very difficult issue for her.
I've seen people suggesting that it may be that Hailey isn't ready to work with a therapist, but that this is what is necessary if there is any hope towards the issue being healed. I've also seen people make the same suggestion you have whereby possibly making the relationship open...though Garry may not even want to have sex with anyone else but Hailey, which is fair enough.
Of course, if she isn't ready to then there's no law saying Hailey has to do this. I think it would help her though to at least give it more of a go. Sexual dysfunction can be overcome with the right therapist I think.
I tend to think...there's only one way she's going to get over her fear of sex. And it's pretty much the same way a person will get over their fear of riding horses after falling off one... and that's to get back up again!
In a safe, comfortable, loving environment your fiancee should be willing to at least "give it a go". If she feels completely safe with you, she can tell you to stop if she's getting nervous, or if it's bringing up really bad feelings... BUT I do think she should at least make the effort.
Yes, I understand she's been through trauma. And I know women who have been raped who have basically become celibate. I also know women who have been raped who have gone on to have normal sex lives.
It's very much a choice on her part, but I do think that if she does want to continue a long relationship with you, she should at least be willing to try. Heck, you're a virgin, and I've gotta say, if I was in her position I'd feel sort of guilty for not at least trying to get over my fears for your sake. I certainly wouldn't expect to marry a guy who was a virgin and then just basically... expect him to remain that way forever and put up with it!
She may never come to enjoy regular sex again (although it would be nice for you both if she did) but I really think that before you get married you need to discuss this issue fully, and have her at least willing to try!
Now...I'll also say, I agree she isn't "obligated" to give you sex. No women should feel obligated. BUT I do think it's unrealistic to expect to have a long term relationship and NEVER have sex in that relationship. I think if you're never going to have sex again, then you'd be better off alone or in an asexual relationship with someone who is also asexual and who themselves feels no desire for sex, but wants a romantic and close relationship.
I know how you feel because I was there myself
I was in your situation myself many years ago.
I was and still am deeply in love with her. We met and like you did everything except full sex. I dont know if anything happened to my girl in the past. She never said anything. All I know is we tried many times but I could not get inside as she was to tight and tense!
I Spent 11 years with her. I was totally loyal up until the last 3 months. Then it all fell apart. I asked her to see a doctor. Eventually she did. I sat opposite and watch her sob as the doc said we need to investigate further to find the problem. She said yes crying her eyes out.
I sat there and though, "I cant force her to do this" (That's how it felt)
I ended the marrige. Ending it was the worst thing I ever did and I have never forgiven myself.
Maybe this say's more about me.
But Gary. Tell her how you feel, tell her it,s something you want to do to help show and your loveand do this before you marry. If she cant or wont sort it out before the marrige then please think carefully.
The fact that you have posted suggest's that you wont be happy long term and I dont want you ending up like me in the future.
Maybe even delay the marrige or just accept that things will never change, but search deep inside and be sure you will be happy.
If I could be of any help please email me.
I have been reading a book titled You Can Be Your Own Sex Therapist. It has exercises for couples to do that involve relaxation techniques, exploring sensuality, and connecting with sexual fears and desires. Maybe it would help the two of you.
Just my opinion ... I think you should not marry her. By all means, be a very close friend or her best friend, and a father figure or "uncle figure" to her daughter. But not a husband.
One day, I think, you may decide that enough is enough and you will want to look for a sexual partner. While remaining this woman's friend. Actually I suspect she might not mind.
Beautifully stated and all true.
Sometimes in relationships you need to step back and get a broader look at them to see what is going on. I don't profess to know the subtle mechanics of yours but I feel into it a bit differently from the other posters.
I am sensing that it is just as much you as her that needs to undertake a bit of soul searching.
Have a look at your experience. You are still a virgin. Your partner died before you could consumate the relationship. You, understandably will have a lot of energy / trauma around relationships and sex.
Now take a look at the fact that you have ended up with someone who also has these issues to work through. Don't kid yourself that it is all on her. People come together in order to work through their 'stuff' and in your case it is crystal clear from an outside viewpoint why you are together.
If you continue to shift the focus to her you will continue to avoid what it is in you that requires attention.
As I said I don't proffess an intimate knowledge of your relationship but it is really obvious to see the law of attraction working that has bought you together.
Address this within you and then you will be in a much better position to help her through it.
Almost all I wanted to say has been said already.
Of course she is fully in her right not to want to have sex, but you are also perfectly entitled to have sex (with a willing, enthusiastic partner) and it is unfair of her to expect you to be in a sexless marriage. Think long and hard before you agree. Talk to a therapist - alone, if your fiancee does not want to talk to someone yet.
There is something else that hasn't been addressed though. If I'm not misreading your OP, you have decided as a couple to let your fiancee's daughter believe that she is your biological daughter, when she is in fact the product of a rape? This is a ticking bomb. 20+ years later I am still working on untangling the consequences of my family not talking about my rapes, and I think I am among the lucky ones.
Believe me, from my own experience with assault, untold stories of sexual violence are a perfect breeding ground for neuroses. So are secrets regarding a child's origin. These are things that a child can tell and unconsciously internalize, and it can have all sorts of messed up consequences if left untold, unexplained. You are doing your daughter a major disservice, in terms of allowing her to grow into healthy relationships and a healthy sex life. I really advise your family to talk. Get in front of a therapist and start airing these secrets. The sooner the better.
I never really thought it would be beneficial for a child to find out they were the product of rape. I honestly thought it would be better for her to think her father was a man who loved her mother, and who would have loved to be a father...than to know her father was a violent criminal.
Now, back to the OP, I don't know if it's a good idea to pretend someone is a biological father when he actually isn't, but I wouldn't necessarily want to tell the child the absolute truth either.
Do you really think it is better for a child to know they were conceived in rape, than to let them believe otherwise? Sometimes I think lies are less damaging than the truth!
Sorry I took a few days to reply. First and foremost I would like to thank everybody for their opinions on this difficult subject and matter. I wasnít sure if asking this question on a forum would be a good idea but I think I made the right decision as it has been something that has been bothering me.
When my old girlfriend passed away I was an absolute mess. I wonít go into the details of what I did as I would prefer to keep it private but it was a very dark time and I didnít think life was worth living anymore so I tried to commit suicide a few times. We both were religious and she wanted us to wait until we were married to have sex so I respected her decision.
After I lost her so I tried to suppress my emotions but as hard as I tried I couldnít and I would cry a lot. It was like everybody gave up on me. My friends and my family didnít understand what I was going through and I think they thought I was a lost cause so they gave up on me but then I met Hailey. She saved me when I thought nobody would and if it wasnít for her I donít know where I would be now. People like her are rare these days and I will never forget what she has done for me.
We met in college in 2006 and she literally fell in my lap one day when she was playing around with one of her friends in the library. I was eighteen and she was twenty two and from the moment I saw her I thought she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen. I didnít think she would waste her time talking to a guy like me as I never considered as good looking and I donít fall for women easily either. When I lost my old girlfriend I completely lost the urge to date and didnít think anybody would want me but there was something about her I really liked and I guess she was Ďdifferent.í She was loud, funny, kooky and very down to earth.
We became friends and one day I opened up to her and told her everything about myself and Hailey was really kind to me. She taught me suppressing my emotions was not the right thing to do and we started spending a lot of time together. When I was with her it was like my depression slipped away. We went out a lot and one day we were at the Zoo and she told me I was a great guy and she kissed me.
I didnít find out until at least two months into our relationship that she had a daughter because she hid her from me. She said she was going to tell me but she was worried how I would react and I told her it wouldnít have changed the way I felt about her.
Although, she knew I was a virgin I didnít bring up sex until at least four months into our relationship and she told me she wanted us to wait. I waited and a year later we were making out in her fatherís house and we went into her bedroom and I took her top off and all of a sudden she just told me to stop and she burst out into tears and thatís when she told me she had been raped and physically abused by some of her ex boyfriends. I was shocked and I cuddled her while she was crying. We tried a few other times but they always ended in similar scenarios such as that.
The strange thing is from an outside perspective you canít see it. Hailey hides it so well and itís only when we start to talk about it that you can tell she has a problem with it. I feel guilty writing about this because everything else is close to perfect in our relationship. We never fight, we love the same things and we love each other.
She likes to cuddle a lot too and we make out for hours. I noticed somebody asked me on the comments how can she be the girl of my dreams if we havenít had sex? How couldnít she be? She is everything I have ever wanted and I have the same type of relationship I had with my old girlfriend but even better since we live together.
I will talk to her about seeing a therapist that specialises in sexual trauma because this is something I think she needs help with not just for me but herself. I would never force her to have sex with me nor do I think she owes me it and if she never gets over this trauma I guess I will just have to live with it. I donít want another sexual partner and the idea of an open relationship just seems wrong.
How could I even think of having sex with another woman when I am in love with Hailey? It would be like cheating and quite frankly I have no desire to have sex with somebody I donít love. I agree with votoshka about lies sometimes being less damaging than the truth too.
One day she is going to put the math together and then what?
Now that you've explained more of your story I understand better. Therapy will help her with her other issues of fear and trusting men. It's great that after abusive relationships she's found a good man in you.
Wow. You ARE one of the rare ones.
I never, not in a million years thought I would hear a guy say he would be willing to spend the rest of life as a virgin to be with a woman. You must really love her and I can see why she loves you :)
I feel for you losing your girlfriend. That would have been a horrible experience. My friend lost her boyfriend 8 years ago and she still hasnít been with another guy but kudos to you for moving on getting back on your feet.
I think what Hailey needs is psychotherapy for sexual abuse. You need to suggest this to her privately but donít back her into a corner and make her feel like you are forcing her to go.
For Hailey to be absent of any desire for sexual contact shows that she is deeply wounded on a level that you and I just cannot comprehend. As sexual beings, she has eliminated a huge part of being in a loving relationship. She is denying herself (and you) the togetherness which makes your relationship unique.
Her inability to even desire sexual contact like normal healthy women goes to show you how emotionally damaged she is. Her psyche has been damaged.
I want to add that this woman is very lucky to have you. If anyone can help her, you can, I just know it. Do not give up, I have faith that she will come around with the right help. Can you possibly imagine what that would do to your relationship?? If you think you are happy now, you have a whole 'nother world ahead of you full of pleasures you only dream of :)
I didn't mention it in my earlier post but this actually concerned me a lot as well as aelle.
I think what you are saying is valid Votoshka. However, my intuition was more directed at how Hailey herself sees her daughter? How can she wake up everyday and see the product of what happened to her?
I cannot know what goes on in someone elses head, and I don't even know Hailey, but if it were me, I would have a lot of trouble looking at my daughter and not being constantly reminded of what happened to me. That's just me imagining though.
Hailey may not experience this and may see her as her perfect beautiful creation that came from something foul and unholy, but I'm a bit worried that if she does not resolve her issues around this, that she may at some point later on take it out on her daughter without meaning to?
My concern is that even without telling her, her daughter may pick up on subtle impressions or feelings from her mother when she looks at her, or something.
Kids are pretty perceptive. It's possible she will know something is not quite right, and if she ever does decide to go digging, and finds something she wishes she hadn't, I can only imagine how that will go down, and the repercussions for the family.
Does anyone else see the potential for that happening, or is it just me?
I don't know how Hailey or any other woman deals with having a child after rape, and I would imagine that it would be very hard for some women to deal with, but nothing Gary has said indicates that Hailey has any issues in this regard. ACCEPT maybe the fact that they are trying to pass the child off as Gary's own, which may be a form of denial (??).
And while I don't think Hailey ever needs to tell her daughter that she's the product of rape I DON'T think it's a great idea to pretend Gary is her father. There could come a time when the truth will come out (i.e. if she ever needs to see her birth certificate, which is a pretty likely thing down the track), or if there's a medical issue or whatever. And yeah, it's better to be honest NOW than later!!
God, hard sitch.
Alright so let me chime in here... I'm a working professional in the field of alternative mental health, and have helped with these types of cases before with great success.
The main thing you need to know is that analyzing the situation logically doesn't change her FEELINGS on the matter. How she feels and what she has connected up in her mind is the biggest issue. The rape is obviously affecting her life in a big way.
I suggest that you get her to a "therapy" that does not involve talking about the problem as much as it involves releasing the energy/feelings surrounding the problem.
If she went to talk therapy and it didn't help, there's a good reason ... it's because she even though she might understand how she feels and why she feels that way, she still doesn't feel better.
I suggest either getting her to qualified hypnotist (not just any hypnotist but one that deals with the deeper issues and is experienced in doing it; PM me for recommendations), or a skilled NLP practitioner, or someone who is skilled with EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), or with Matrix Reimprinting. She might also consider the Sedona Method, The Work by Byron Katie, or any other number of good therapies and methods that don't involve just talking about it.
It is only through RELEASING the feelings that she is going to get over this. It is definitely affecting other parts of her/your life as well, even if it's not apparent at first glance.
The question is always, does she really WANT to get over it? Not because it's something that you want, or because it's expected of her, but because of a deep desire within her -- to break out of the prison of reliving her past experiences.
And trust me that once she releases that energy she's been carrying, it will be a lot easier at that point for you to say "Hey, I really want for us to make love"... right now you are going head to head with a very strong programming for protection, which you just aren't going to be able to tackle by logically talking to the conscious mind.
And if she isn't ready to see someone yet to really get over it, just teach her EFT. "Even though I'm afraid to have sex, I deeply and completely accept myself... Even though I'm afraid to be hurt again, I accept myself anyway and I choose to let it go and be at peace."
Hope that helps. PM me for any questions. I really don't see any need for her to carry on to this when there are such great methods out there for releasing negative feelings.
I do TIME Techniques, but I have to tell you straight up that I don't feel qualified to help her, because of my limited experience. I do have 2 other people who are great, one who actually is my trainer.
Let me know in PM if you would like their contact details.
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