I need to keep my sanity

[Kait]

At this time I have two children that deal with seperation anxiety, social phobia, and depression. My oldest has tried killing herself twice. She says she doesn't want to do that anymore. She said she needed to come off her meds they were making her sick to her stomach. She has been off for awhile now... My youngest had suicidal thoughts due to being allergic to medication. So she isn't on meds either... They both can not do highschool (due to their anxiety levels and social phobia) So they are trying to get their GED. I am frustrated with my oldest. She went through the first part of her GED and now (this is the second part) she is claiming that she is in pain and its her bowel. I went out and got her meds at the store to help her...and she wont even do two days out of a week...(6hours all together during a week) Come on this is driving me batty. I do not feel she needs to go to the doctor...because these are the problems, I will face.
1. She will not let anyone... go up her behind with a scope or down her throat. (yes I know she will be asleep) but I wouldn't be able to get her in the car if she knew what she had to do ...
2. I don't feel she will take her meds.
3. I don't feel she is that bad.

My children do NOT go out much. They do NOT join the living world. The oldest is not even interested in getting her licesens. My youngest on the other hand wants to get hers.

I think it's always something and when I want to be positive... This is what I have to deal with... I feel used up...and I'm tired..

So what would you do if you were the parent?

[SireneB]

How old are they?

[Keast]

It sounds like they should see a counselor to help condition them out of their phobias and anxieties without the meds. Meds are supposed to be used as just a stepping stone to get better, but just talking and working through the problems on their on with a counselor could work wonders. Part of their problems could be biological, but some of the anxieties could be psychological, or learned behaviors. So meds, wouldn't help that, professional help would. But the most important key is them wanting to actually change for themselves.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by SireneB

How old are they?

17 and 15 and soon to be 18 and 16.

Here is another thread to show you some of the reasons things are they way they are....I really cut out alot in this thread, to get to the point.

I just need support

[Kait]

Originally Posted by Keast

It sounds like they should see a counselor to help condition them out of their phobias and anxieties without the meds. Meds are supposed to be used as just a stepping stone to get better, but just talking and working through the problems on their on with a counselor could work wonders. Part of their problems could be biological, but some of the anxieties could be psychological, or learned behaviors. So meds, wouldn't help that, professional help would. But the most important key is them wanting to actually change for themselves.

I did skip alot of negative stuff just to get to the point. They started counseling 2004 and went to 2009 and it wasn't working out. I think I have to go with the last part of your comment.

I just need support

[ZephyrusX]

Do you get to spend much time with your children? Do you speak to them often, and if so, how? Do you show them unconditional love? I ask because I sort of picked up on a judgmental tone from your OP. Are you unintentionally communicating to them that it is a bad thing that they don't have a social life? That it is a bad thing that one of them doesn't want a license? The one of them is not completing her GED? By bad, I mean to ask whether you are unintentionally communicating to them that your love and support is predicated upon whether they live up to your expectations, which they seemingly don't live up to.

I agree with Keast that your daughters have to want to change for them selves before they will do so. I think the best you can do is support them by demonstrating to them that you are willing to listen to their thoughts and accept their decisions without judgment. Knowing that someone will love you without attachments can do wonders to facilitate personal growth and open communication.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Kait

This is what I have to deal with... I feel used up...and I'm tired.

This is what they have to deal with. When they look to see what effect they're having on the world, they see a father that abandoned them and a mother that's being driven up the wall just living with them.

Of course, that's all hypothetical and subject to my personal biases, but I don't think it's a ridiculous thing to say that they feel that their contribution to the world is non-positive. It's not difficult to ignore the world when all you are is a burden.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by ZephyrusX

Do you get to spend much time with your children?
I do, when I'm home. Sometimes they miss me so much that we go two to three hours just talking and we talk about everything.

Do you speak to them often, and if so, how?Does often mean love? Because I do spend alot of time out of the house. I don't have a choice. It is life. I didn't throw them into this situation. This wasn't my choice for my children or myself.

Do you show them unconditional love? I ask because I sort of picked up on a judgmental tone from your OP. Are you unintentionally communicating to them that it is a bad thing that they don't have a social life?

I believe I do. But I also believe what your picking up is a "time" limit or frame. I feel I have a job to do and I need to get it done. I believe I will have to focus more on myself so they will have a place to live. When the divorce if final... Because they are NOT going to want to live with their Dad. I have a huge amont of pressure...I also feel that when you children are under age you can have alot of say in the stituations. When my oldest turns 18, THEY (meaning any person) will tell mommy to leave the room. AND WE are talking about children (young adults) that have social phobia's to the extreme. This wasn't my diagnose, this was several Doctors. I think we all have to have patience but I feel I have been working on this for a long long time and it's wearing thin.

That it is a bad thing that one of them doesn't want a license?I just think she should be more interested...but hey if she doesn't then she will have to learn to either catch a taxi or the TransIT there are other ways of traveling.

The one of them is not completing her GED? By bad, I mean to ask whether you are unintentionally communicating to them that your love and support is predicated upon whether they live up to your expectations, which they seemingly don't live up to.

I do believe a child should choose when she/he is ready to do something or when he or she wants to do...but I really have to let go at some point because I have done everything I know to do...

I agree with Keast that your daughters have to want to change for them selves before they will do so. I think the best you can do is support them by demonstrating to them that you are willing to listen to their thoughts and accept their decisions without judgment. Knowing that someone will love you without attachments can do wonders to facilitate personal growth and open communication.

I have said, that I will help her if I can, but if I can't. I cant. She's had two years to get her GED.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

This is what they have to deal with. When they look to see what effect they're having on the world, they see a father that abandoned them and a mother that's being driven up the wall just living with them.

Of course, that's all hypothetical and subject to my personal biases, but I don't think it's a ridiculous thing to say that they feel that their contribution to the world is non-positive. It's not difficult to ignore the world when all you are is a burden.

I certainly don't want my children feeling like a burden...but it sure does come across that way. When you feel you are the only parent.. and you want them to just be prepared ") for life. I think its going to be tough because I didn't do it...so to teach them...they will have to learn now..by watching their mother...

[mhutty]

Hi Kait - This is just my opinion, I've never walked a day in your shoes, I've never been married, divorced, have kids..etc.

It's tough to help someone else (or two people) when you're not at your best. You need to take care of #1 first and you're very stressed and overwhelmed at this point.

Set a success routine, wake up exercise, meditate, make a vision board, get socially involved in your community. Do things that make you happy. I would do this as a team with your children. Go to the gym with them, leave positive literature around the house, volunteer together. Lose the television, especially if they're sitting around all day watching it. Idle hands are hands of the devil.

Set goals and hold yourself accountable. How do you eat an elephant? ...One bite at a time. Best of luck!

[Kait]

Originally Posted by mhutty

Hi Kait - This is just my opinion, I've never walked a day in your shoes, I've never been married, divorced, have kids..etc.I think you are okay to give your opinion too. That's why I'm hear. I know I may hear things I don't want too...but sometimes hearing it from others puts a new spin ON what your doing. Which then cause change.

It's tough to help someone else (or two people) when you're not at your best. You need to take care of #1 first and you're very stressed and overwhelmed at this point.
I am. But I'm trying to focus and that is very difficult for me.

Set a success routine, wake up exercise, meditate, make a vision board, get socially involved in your community. Do things that make you happy. I would do this as a team with your children. Go to the gym with them, leave positive literature around the house, volunteer together. Lose the television, especially if they're sitting around all day watching it. Idle hands are hands of the devil.

I can't even get the oldest to go and get a pair of new shoes. So I finally did it myself. Its also heard to get them to go out and eat with just me. I even like going to the movies. I like singing Karaoke and I know of resteraunt that doesn't serve alcohol. But my children don't watch much TV anyway. They like there computers and they both have taking after me. I love art and I love to draw. They are graphic artist already... another reason I am here Maybe I can get them working before they turn the next age.

Set goals and hold yourself accountable. How do you eat an elephant? ...One bite at a time. Best of luck!

uhmm. accountablity is pretty stressful...but I will try and take one step and breath at a time. I am NOT eating an elephant..lol. But I get what your saying. Thank you.

[Harmonium]

Supporting them and being there for them as well as setting a good example and encouraging them might help. Maybe try to talk to them and understand their perspective. It's not good to feel misunderstood and alone. I wouldn't try to force that too much though.

Being and setting a good example is great as long as you don't try to FORCE them to live how you want them to. I am 20 now and I hated my parents trying to dictate what I do with my life their attempt at force only made me resist anything of value they tried to teach me and instead, I resented them for a good while until they eventually gave me the space to live how I want. Now that I am starting to do decent on my own accord, the resentment is fading.

I've been all of those things as well btw. Anxious, depressed, phobic, etc. I can definitely tell you it's good to have an example or a gentle non forceful influence in your life to encourage you to overcome those things. I think it's also probably bad and crippling if you treat them like they are different from anyone else or baby them too much.

Good luck with everything.

[SireneB]

Tough ages, as they will be pushing you away as much as they need you, and I can see how you would be frustrated and stressed, dealing with your own situation as well as that of your daughters.

A couple of thoughts would be, do you know what each of them is interested in, even passionate about? At this age, would probably be helpful to them to begin to try to identify that, and from there maybe you could help them set goals. From my experience as a single mom, I'm guessing you probably think of them as kids, still, in some ways - but they are both close to adulthood. So the goal from there would be for them to be able to support themselves, preferably doing something that excites them. From there, you might find they have more motivation for the steps to get there. The GED by itself isn't very exciting!

The other thing would be to help them find mentors outside of the family. Teachers, professionals in the field they want to go into, even a neighbor, but someone different for each of them, who can be someone they go to for questions, motivation, attention, someone both you and they trust, but who will not run back and tell you everything, either. What that would do would be to help you let go a bit. You'll still be the mom, but you'll know they are getting good direction and advice without having to stress over every detail. As a mom, it's hard not to be judgmental of situations with your kids, because of the feeling that your kids reflect back on you. A mentor doesn't have that and is better able to be objective.

I have experience with this both ways. I left my daughter's dad when she was 4. It was a bad situation, violence, drugs, etc and she was pretty much a holy terror at that time. And I was beyond stressed out. And there was a lot of pushing and pulling from her dad after I left him, which made things worse for her. But over time, among the things I learned, was that she needed adults outside of the family as mentors, people she could look up to - and it was such a relief to me, as I felt like I could let go of worrying about every little thing. By the time she was in high school, her interest as a career was clear, and she had 5 mentors, all of whom I trusted completely to guide her. The other side of this was, that she had 5 people outside of the family who she knew had faith in her and who she didn't want to let down (important her first year after high school, when she was at a school far away, injured, depressed and trying to decide whether to scrap her plans and come home). I don't think either she or I could have made it without that construct, of a group of mentors for her.

And on the other side, one of her friends in high school had a terrible time with his parents and a big issue with anger, constant confrontations and when he dropped out of university his first year, that situation got a lot worse. He has a few adult mentors, but I was one of the adults he trusted. We had lots of talks over Thai food, and eventually together we identified a career goal that really excited him. It didn't excite his parents, but he made plans for the steps he would need to accomplish it, and along the way, it became clear that it would be easier for him to do this if he was not living with the constant friction from him parents - so he moved into a spare room at my house, his parents were glad to pay the (small) rent I set as long as he was in school, because they trusted me and needed the break, and he's now attending a different school (not a university), getting top grades, and a few months away from the certification he needs for his chosen career. On the one hand, I'm here if he needs help or needs to talk through something, but on the other hand I don't stress if he doesn't study the day before a midterm or if he misses classes here and there or stays up all night playing video games (things that were friction points with his parents).

I think that kind of caring but non-parent influence is important to adolescents and young adults, and it might help both you and your daughters.

Good luck! sorry this was so long!

[Kait]

Originally Posted by Harmonium

Supporting them and being there for them as well as setting a good example and encouraging them might help. Maybe try to talk to them and understand their perspective. It's not good to feel misunderstood and alone. I wouldn't try to force that too much though.

Being and setting a good example is great as long as you don't try to FORCE them to live how you want them to. I am 20 now and I hated my parents trying to dictate what I do with my life their attempt at force only made me resist anything of value they tried to teach me and instead, I resented them for a good while until they eventually gave me the space to live how I want. Now that I am starting to do decent on my own accord, the resentment is fading.

I've been all of those things as well btw. Anxious, depressed, phobic, etc. I can definitely tell you it's good to have an example or a gentle non forceful influence in your life to encourage you to overcome those things. I think it's also probably bad and crippling if you treat them like they are different from anyone else or baby them too much.

Good luck with everything.


It's very important to hear from her age group and I feel that this information will help me. Thank you.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by SireneB

Tough ages, as they will be pushing you away as much as they need you, and I can see how you would be frustrated and stressed, dealing with your own situation as well as that of your daughters.

A couple of thoughts would be, do you know what each of them is interested in, even passionate about? At this age, would probably be helpful to them to begin to try to identify that, and from there maybe you could help them set goals. From my experience as a single mom, I'm guessing you probably think of them as kids, still, in some ways - but they are both close to adulthood. So the goal from there would be for them to be able to support themselves, preferably doing something that excites them. From there, you might find they have more motivation for the steps to get there. The GED by itself isn't very exciting!

The other thing would be to help them find mentors outside of the family. Teachers, professionals in the field they want to go into, even a neighbor, but someone different for each of them, who can be someone they go to for questions, motivation, attention, someone both you and they trust, but who will not run back and tell you everything, either. What that would do would be to help you let go a bit. You'll still be the mom, but you'll know they are getting good direction and advice without having to stress over every detail. As a mom, it's hard not to be judgmental of situations with your kids, because of the feeling that your kids reflect back on you. A mentor doesn't have that and is better able to be objective.

I have experience with this both ways. I left my daughter's dad when she was 4. It was a bad situation, violence, drugs, etc and she was pretty much a holy terror at that time. And I was beyond stressed out. And there was a lot of pushing and pulling from her dad after I left him, which made things worse for her. But over time, among the things I learned, was that she needed adults outside of the family as mentors, people she could look up to - and it was such a relief to me, as I felt like I could let go of worrying about every little thing. By the time she was in high school, her interest as a career was clear, and she had 5 mentors, all of whom I trusted completely to guide her. The other side of this was, that she had 5 people outside of the family who she knew had faith in her and who she didn't want to let down (important her first year after high school, when she was at a school far away, injured, depressed and trying to decide whether to scrap her plans and come home). I don't think either she or I could have made it without that construct, of a group of mentors for her.

And on the other side, one of her friends in high school had a terrible time with his parents and a big issue with anger, constant confrontations and when he dropped out of university his first year, that situation got a lot worse. He has a few adult mentors, but I was one of the adults he trusted. We had lots of talks over Thai food, and eventually together we identified a career goal that really excited him. It didn't excite his parents, but he made plans for the steps he would need to accomplish it, and along the way, it became clear that it would be easier for him to do this if he was not living with the constant friction from him parents - so he moved into a spare room at my house, his parents were glad to pay the (small) rent I set as long as he was in school, because they trusted me and needed the break, and he's now attending a different school (not a university), getting top grades, and a few months away from the certification he needs for his chosen career. On the one hand, I'm here if he needs help or needs to talk through something, but on the other hand I don't stress if he doesn't study the day before a midterm or if he misses classes here and there or stays up all night playing video games (things that were friction points with his parents).

I think that kind of caring but non-parent influence is important to adolescents and young adults, and it might help both you and your daughters.

Good luck! sorry this was so long!


I have decide to take her to the doctor. Something isn't right. She needs to go and I will make the appointment tomorrow.


As for the mentors...I have a great friend that i trust but I am strong enough to let her MAKE the decesions. I trust her. She's a great role model. On the other hand I don't have like 5 mentors. Some of my friends have moved. I'm one of those thats surrounded by gov. workers . but I do know my childrens "gifts". They are artist...they just need to figure out what they want to do with it. I came here thinking that my daughters could start their own WEBSITES. I can help for I was in school for webdesign. My mind is " like a light bulb. So thank you for sharing your experience. Its help me so much. Very positive Thanks.

[SireneB]

Glad that helped! I truly was at my wit's end with my daughter until things started to fall into place, and and the three things that made the biggest difference were (1) figuring out what she needed, (2) helping her find her passion, and (3) discovering the value of mentors.

Good luck, keep us posted, please.

(and yes, good to go to the doctor to make sure - you know your kids best, as far as when they are really sick and when they are trying to get out of something by faking or exaggerating).

[Kait]

Originally Posted by SireneB

Glad that helped! I truly was at my wit's end with my daughter until things started to fall into place, and and the three things that made the biggest difference were (1) figuring out what she needed, (2) helping her find her passion, and (3) discovering the value of mentors.

Good luck, keep us posted, please.

(and yes, good to go to the doctor to make sure - you know your kids best, as far as when they are really sick and when they are trying to get out of something by faking or exaggerating).


Thank you again