PE-How can I help?

[Amira]

It's been awhile since I've been here...nice to see you all again..

Anyways, I need some help. I've been dating a great guy for about six months now and all is well except one part of our sex life: He is constantly worried about orgasming too quickly. I really don't even mind that much, because it is not always this way. Over and over I have told him that it's okay and that I still get pleasure from and enjoy our sex. Really, it is him that I am concerned about. He works himself up so much about the whole thing that it becomes more of an issue.

It doesn't help that his ex made him feel terrible about it. I actually get really angry when I think about that. It's not how you should treat someone with whom you are in a sexual relationship. He is now extremely self-conscious of it, and when it happens he feels so awful. That is what ruins it for me, him getting so down afterwards.

So I am just wondering if any of you have suggestions on how I can help him calm down, or convince him that it's okay? I have tried just telling him that but he won't believe me or thinks I am just saying it to be nice. I just hate that he thinks that it makes him less of a man, because he is one of the best men I know.

Thanks in advance...

[MattIsGreat]

Without knowing your/your partner's age/details, it is difficult to know the exact issue.

Essentially, you can help by a combination of helping him achieve his sexual goals and altering his goals.

Here's what has helped for me in terms of physically avoiding PE.

Increasing frequency.
- It's difficult to improve at anything without doing it.
- I felt pressure to perform well every single time (which in turn would cause me to perform poorly), or else she would have no incentive to increase frequency, and if we never increase frequency, how am I supposed to get better at it?
- Having less pent up sexual energy makes it easier to control ejaculation, which will breed confidence and then relaxation in the future.

Time
- Guys experience less issues with PE as they continue to age. He's been there/done that and it just isn't as exciting. Not the answer he wants to hear, but it is reason to believe that he is not hopeless in the matter.

Relaxation Techniques
- I've always been able to relax more while I'm on bottom. It led to better performances, which gave me more confidence, which helped me relax, which lead to better performances, etc.
- I believe there have been some threads on the topic of coming to orgasm without physical stimulation. I'm currently experimenting with this (to no avail), but I anticipate having a greater physical mastery of myself, overall and sexually, to allow me to relax even when things get hot and heavy, and ultimately to have better control of orgasms. It may seem counter-intuitive, perhaps somebody with positive results from this experiment could comment.

Originally Posted by Amira

Over and over I have told him that it's okay and that I still get pleasure from and enjoy our sex.

I would avoid emphasizing this, even if you feel strongly about it. I've heard this before. I didn't want my partner to just enjoy it. Guys want to be studs between the sheets. As a generalization, guys (particularly if they get down about PE), want their women to love sex with THEM, SPECIFICALLY - to think about it, to crave it, to need it. Most guys have read "best sex of my life" stories written by women on the internet. Being told "it's OK [not to be a stud], I still enjoy it" doesn't help guys cope with miserably failing to reach his goals/expectations.

What did help (among other things) me was lowering my expectations. When I stopped having sexual goals that were way overhead and chose more reachable goals, it was easy to begin reaching them and they began building upon each other. You can also help by making sure he understands that you don't expect him to ever be the best you'll ever have, and that it's far from your mind. And not that it's important to you, but you know he'll improve with time because you know he has the ability to improve in something he sets his mind to - you see self control in him, and therefore the ability to improve within him already, it's just a matter of time until he unlocks it.

Originally Posted by Amira

It doesn't help that his ex made him feel terrible about it. I actually get really angry when I think about that. It's not how you should treat someone with whom you are in a sexual relationship. He is now extremely self-conscious of it, and when it happens he feels so awful. That is what ruins it for me, him getting so down afterwards.

I've had an ex make me feel terrible about it too, and you're right, it really isn't how one person should treat another. He may feel bad about it because he feels like he is letting you down. To reemphasize... As a rule of thumb, assume guys have read "best sex of my life stores" written by women on the internet and have seen a porno. It is easy to see these things and think that is typical because nobody writes or films typical. He may be thinking, "You say it's OK, but you don't know what you're missing," or "I don't live up to her other partners."

Originally Posted by Amira

So I am just wondering if any of you have suggestions on how I can help him calm down, or convince him that it's okay? I have tried just telling him that but he won't believe me or thinks I am just saying it to be nice.

Understand that if you've only been dating for six months, his concern isn't performing well for you. It's about him being able to perform for anybody. Most relationships don't lead to marriage, obviously, so he is as concerned with future partners as he is with you, and so the fact that you don't mind doesn't mean much to him. He believes he is the problem, and that is what gets him down. "What's wrong with me?" is a terrible feeling to have. In addition to the measures listed above that can help, He needs a changed perspective on what is typical, and what women think in general so that he can relax and overcome the problem. You could help by saying that your friends have brought it up in conversation before, and that the sex life you two share are better than theirs and that they/their partners experience the same issues. Even if it isn't true to you specifically, it may very well be because your girlfriends don't want to admit it. As I mention below, I've had guyfriends talk about it. The difference is that they talk about it in a lighthearted tone while I assume your boyfriend is not lighthearted about it.

One thing that helped me tremendously were that some friends, as a sports joke that I could tell actually had some truth behind it, used to talk about busting in 4.52 seconds, but trying to get it down to about the 4.25 - 4.30 second range. There was also a comic that had a hilarious punchline... "Premature ejaculation? No such thing. Every time I come [with eyes closed, head back, and a calm, cheek to cheek smile] is right on time. It made me realize that PE happens more often than guys care to admit, which, when I finally accepted it, was a huge burden lifted off my shoulders.

[votoshka]

A lot of guys believe they have to go at it like jackhammers for ages, because they believe that's what it will take to make a woman orgasm. However, not so many guys are even AWARE that many women CAN'T orgasm with vaginal sex for long, and thus they're really not all that fussed about how long their guy can hold off for without orgasming!!

The point is, if he feels that he's not giving you enough pleasure because he ejaculates pretty quickly, then you can work in other ways of giving you pleasure, and ensuring you have an orgasm too. I doubt he'd feel so bad if you'd had 3 orgasms or more before he even entered . It might also take some pressure off his "performance".

[DANDUNGAN]

Originally Posted by votoshka

A lot of guys believe they have to go at it like jackhammers for ages, because they believe that's what it will take to make a woman orgasm. However, not so many guys are even AWARE that many women CAN'T orgasm with vaginal sex for long, and thus they're really not all that fussed about how long their guy can hold off for without orgasming!!

The point is, if he feels that he's not giving you enough pleasure because he ejaculates pretty quickly, then you can work in other ways of giving you pleasure, and ensuring you have an orgasm too. I doubt he'd feel so bad if you'd had 3 orgasms or more before he even entered . It might also take some pressure off his "performance".

Yeah, I recommend he change his focus to bringing you pleasure.

[awdye]

Check out Diana Richardson's "The Heart of Tantric Sex".

It explores non-ejaculation for men. Takes that out of the equation and opens a whole new experience.

[Anonyme]

Doing Kegel exercise help premature ejaculation a lot.

Google "kegel exercise for men", you will find a lot on this.