Conversation tips for the hopeless?

[Keast]

I have a problem connecting with people, and I've come to the conclusion that it's because I'm bad at holding conversations. I find it hard to keep a conversation past hello, because
a. I feel I don't have many interesting things to say
b. it's hard to transition topics from one to another cause I don't know what to continue talking about
c. i have really bad time. in my head I'm thinking "I should say this, and it sounds good in my head, but then I second guess myself and stay quiet, which kills convo faster or it doesn't come out of my mouth the way I thought it, and I feel stupid for it.
d. I have a hard time reading people, or learning things about them from convo
e. I have mostly a dry sense of humor, and a more serious expression when I say it, so people tend to take me too seriously or take my jokes the wrong way, even though I don't intent for it. :/
f. i feel I'm not myself around most people, like I'm putting up a front because I don't know how to really be myself around people, I guess. It's just not easy to do.
g. When people joke with me, I can't usually think of a witty response. How can I learn funny things to say?
Any tips for the hopeless?

[Keast]

bad timing* not bad time.

[Keast]

Also, even with my closest friends I find myself putting up a fake front, when I never used to with them, and I don't feel myself when I talk to anyone anymore. How can I get back to the comfortable state where I could be myself?

[quiethumir]

Originally Posted by Keast

I have a problem connecting with people, and I've come to the conclusion that it's because I'm bad at holding conversations. I find it hard to keep a conversation past hello, because
a. I feel I don't have many interesting things to say
b. it's hard to transition topics from one to another cause I don't know what to continue talking about
c. i have really bad time. in my head I'm thinking "I should say this, and it sounds good in my head, but then I second guess myself and stay quiet, which kills convo faster or it doesn't come out of my mouth the way I thought it, and I feel stupid for it.
d. I have a hard time reading people, or learning things about them from convo
e. I have mostly a dry sense of humor, and a more serious expression when I say it, so people tend to take me too seriously or take my jokes the wrong way, even though I don't intent for it. :/
f. i feel I'm not myself around most people, like I'm putting up a front because I don't know how to really be myself around people, I guess. It's just not easy to do.
g. When people joke with me, I can't usually think of a witty response. How can I learn funny things to say?
Any tips for the hopeless?

I understand why you may be feeling this way. I would assume from your post that you may have social anxiety.

Most of the things you listed in there relate to conversational skills. A few of them relate to confidence and self esteem. From my experience, it is best to work on your confidence issues first and foremost. If you improve this sufficiently, you will have improved the other things a bit. Then you will be more motivated to further improve your social skills.

So in other words, you can start with your inner game, and once your confidence and self esteem are pretty good, you can work on your outer game(social skills).

So you can start working on c and f. I would prefer to start by being yourself first. If you want I can point you to a good article about being yourself.

Believe it or not, I had experienced all of the things you listed in there, because I had SA too. I still experience some of those things from time to time. But it's not an issue to me anymore. I still want to improve them, but I accept them at this moment.

Remember that becoming great at conversation takes time. It doesn't happen over night. Work on one thing at a time. If you work on too many things at the same time, it may backfire on you.

Always remember that there is hope and you can get better. It's like driving for the first time. You may feel awkward and clumsy at first but in the back of your head, you think you can get better at this with practice. Same with improving your social skills. But you need to improve your confidence before you can improve your social skills.

I hope this helps a bit.

[quiethumir]

Originally Posted by Keast

Also, even with my closest friends I find myself putting up a fake front, when I never used to with them, and I don't feel myself when I talk to anyone anymore. How can I get back to the comfortable state where I could be myself?

I just read this. Is there a reason to "put up a fake front" even with your closest friends?

[Brutha]

f. i feel I'm not myself around most people, like I'm putting up a front because I don't know how to really be myself around people, I guess. It's just not easy to do.

Then stop it.
Don't try to impress people.

[nistacular]

I know EXACTLY what you're going through, because it's the story of my life at the moment. Even around my closest friends I put up a front sometimes too.

Two things I think you should do:

1. Realize why people wouldn't like you if you were yourself. I think this is largely a cultural thing sometimes tbh... people in the US are so freaking scared of judgement, and a lot of smart people with SA have a really hard time fitting in because often what they are thinking is interpreted so negatively by everyone, the responses that they get just kill their confidence. I think people in the US also place so much emphasis on the ability to have conversations (the conversation itself), instead of who they are, and what they enjoy, and what their lives are like. This also means dry humor isn't as popular because it borders on getting too personal, which doesn't make for conversation to continue smoothly sometimes. I don't know if any of these things are your issue, but if they are, realize that there are always people that will respect you for exactly who you are. Even if you look like a snob, or if 90% of people wouldn't wanna be your friend.

2. Realize that most relationships that you will have with human beings involve putting up a front. You're probably never gonna be able to be totally yourself around anyone except your closest friends and family. The trick is, be confident about your front.... just learn the skills you need to know once you build your confidence in who you are/want to be. You are defined by your values and emotions, not your ability to make small talk, or even have good conversations. Some people are confident enough to just be themselves at all points in time, but really I find often they have other big problems, and you should feel no pressure to be like them, especially since most people can't do that. You're probably most happy when you can relate to people on things that you like to do... find those people to relate with. You don't need to derive happiness from everyone (idk if you have these problems, I'm just saying things that applied to me at this point lol). But yeah, be confident about your front, don't feel the need to get too personal unless you see an opportunity for a good friend, or a girl you like or something.

@Brutha it's not about trying to impress people, it's about not leaving yourself feeling vulnerable or not wanting to offend or turn other people away. I wish it was that easy to just stop and always be yourself. Again I feel like it greatly depends on the culture/people around you. idk....I'm still struggling myself.

[nistacular]

btw, sorry everyone that my last post wasn't the most objective so take it with a grain of salt... but it represents some ideas that helped me through very similar problems.

[Keast]

thanks everyone for the responses, I got something from each of them. I feel I do need more confidence, and I would enjoy reading that article if you could point me in the direction of it.

Nist, I think you explained it really well about the way it is in society today, maybe that has a lot to do with it.
It's true I'm not trying to impress anyone, but I'm very non-confrontational, so when I disagree with with one of my friends, I usually get snapped at and makes me feel..i'm not sure how to describe it, put down for my opinion I guess, so it tends to be easier just to agree. I act in ways that avoid conflict.

Originally Posted by quiethumir

I just read this. Is there a reason to "put up a fake front" even with your closest friends?

honestly, my friends are pretty self-centered, so since it's always about them and they never ask me how i am, what I'm thinking/feeling, I feel like I don't really connect with them anymore like I used to. My main problem is, I don't know how to be myself if I'm not comfortable.

[Brutha]

@Brutha it's not about trying to impress people, it's about not leaving yourself feeling vulnerable or not wanting to offend or turn other people away. I wish it was that easy to just stop and always be yourself.

I don't think it's easy.
It's hard to make a decision to change.
It's painful to drop your shilds and get hurt a few times.
At the same time it's the road that leads to success.

[quiethumir]

Originally Posted by Keast

thanks everyone for the responses, I got something from each of them. I feel I do need more confidence, and I would enjoy reading that article if you could point me in the direction of it.

Nist, I think you explained it really well about the way it is in society today, maybe that has a lot to do with it.
It's true I'm not trying to impress anyone, but I'm very non-confrontational, so when I disagree with with one of my friends, I usually get snapped at and makes me feel..i'm not sure how to describe it, put down for my opinion I guess, so it tends to be easier just to agree. I act in ways that avoid conflict.



honestly, my friends are pretty self-centered, so since it's always about them and they never ask me how i am, what I'm thinking/feeling, I feel like I don't really connect with them anymore like I used to. My main problem is, I don't know how to be myself if I'm not comfortable.

Hey Keast. What is it that makes you feel "put down" when your friends snap at you for voicing your opinion? You need to find out what the belief system is under your reaction.

I've felt the same way. For me it was because I felt that my opinions didn't have value and other people's opinions were better than mine. I felt that other people were fundamentally better than me. I didn't believe in my self and in my worth. It may or may not be the same for you.

As for your response to my post, maybe you need to stop hanging around people who don't care for you. Maybe you need to start hanging around people who can make you feel better about yourself and just let you be yourself.

If you don't mind can you tell us how old you are?

[Keast]

Originally Posted by quiethumir

Hey Keast. What is it that makes you feel "put down" when your friends snap at you for voicing your opinion? You need to find out what the belief system is under your reaction.

I've felt the same way. For me it was because I felt that my opinions didn't have value and other people's opinions were better than mine. I felt that other people were fundamentally better than me. I didn't believe in my self and in my worth. It may or may not be the same for you.

As for your response to my post, maybe you need to stop hanging around people who don't care for you. Maybe you need to start hanging around people who can make you feel better about yourself and just let you be yourself.

If you don't mind can you tell us how old you are?

I'm 20, I'm a lady just to clarify, since genders tend to have different thought patterns. I've always had trouble making friends though, because I've never really figured out how to connect with people. all of my friends are the people who chose me, they were always the type of people who love attention, and I like to avoid attention (which is probably why they picked me), so I guess I don't know the first thing about picking friends. I've never even really met many people who've taken that much of an interest in me, probably because I don't know how to show it for them, without feeling like I'm unwanted or over-bearing. As for opinions, I believe in all of mine strongly, it's just I don't like people getting mad at me for not agreeing with me, which they do often. so I just stay quiet or say "yeah, I see what you mean."

I feel like just talking about this with you guys is already helping, because I can see now from other perspectives and my own that I need to be able to tell them, "That's my opinion, if you don't like it then too bad.", without the fear of them getting mad. I get afraid of what other people think for some reason and it seems so silly. Recently I've been telling myself "why should I be scared of what people think or say about me?" and it's helped a little, but it's still there. I don't why i'm afraid of it, it's like i'm afraid they can do something to me to hurt me somehow, but in a more realistic point of view, they really can't do much. But when the moment comes to test it, I usually fall back into my ways, probably due to the lack of confidence I guess. how do I get that anyways?

[nistacular]

well, I think the problem comes from you knowing how they could perceive you. A lot of people believe it or not, don't even think about this, they simply judge how they judge, and can't help being any other way. But some people like to get in the heads of other people and try to control their perceptions of them, because they think their natural reaction isn't good enough, or is too negative (if you're like me). I've sorta been thinking, well, if what I show them comes off as negative, what do I have as something positive? And then I think why I care about myself - I'm smart, have strong opinions and values. So if they can't handle natural judgement, then I shouldn't care what they think of me, because they're never going to respect me for who I am. Also realize that many times showing every side of yourself, no matter how negative they perceive it to be, gets you a lot more respect. I come from a loving family that's always had lots of respect for everyone in it, so going to school, and now living in Detroit has really been quite a shock for me - it's like, why doesn't everyone just respect and love each other? lol. I wish the world could be like that.

[Brutha]

I feel like just talking about this with you guys is already helping, because I can see now from other perspectives and my own that I need to be able to tell them, "That's my opinion, if you don't like it then too bad.", without the fear of them getting mad.

Yes.

I don't why i'm afraid of it, it's like i'm afraid they can do something to me to hurt me somehow, but in a more realistic point of view, they really can't do much.

The harm that you create through your social anxiety is much greater than the possible damage.

[Keast]

While I was at work today, I had somewhat of a flashback memory, about how I used to avoid people/conversation at all cost, because of how uncomfortable it made me, up until I was about 15. Once I started making friends i saw that conversation really wasn't as bad as I thought it was. I had forgotten how bad i used to be, but I guess since I just forgot about it once people came along, I never fully over-came all of those social fears I had back then, just put them out of my mind rather. I feel like I deprived myself of learning social skills that most kids get during their school years. So I need to build confidence, learn to be comfortable with who I am, and practice?

[Brutha]

So I need to build confidence, learn to be comfortable with who I am, and practice?

Yes. Among them practice is the most important because it will lead to the other things.