Is submission bad for you?

[Jenncoop]

So I'm turning 50 in a few weeks, about to graduate with my masters in Nursing Administration and was taught to be independent by my parents. So why do I have this compelling need to have someone dominate me not only in the bedroom, but many other areas of my life? This idea is so foreign to me but is such a real need that it is almost frightening. All my friends are very strong females and would never understand these feelings, my husband of 7 years has been the dominate male in our relationship but only with my safety and well being (he is 14 years older than me and very old fashioned).

Is this just a midlife reaction?

Scared, excited and frustrated all at the same time.

Jenn

[Andrew Wilcox]

Hi Jenn,

To answer your first question, why do we have desires: so that we have an interesting and non-boring life! Without desire, we could all eat oatmeal with ground-in vitamin supplements every day for every meal, and be perfectly happy xD So why do we want delicious food? And suffer distaste if we had to eat something bland? Just think what the world would be like without desire: no chefs, no restaurants, no celebratory meals, no new cuisine to discover...

To answer your second question, is submission bad for you: it depends! If you decided to take up... say... race car driving , you could do that by learning about it, taking classes, finding a safe race course, practicing... or you could jump in your car and barrel down the highway at 120 mph! There are many things to do to learn how to do submission safely: read books (The Bottoming Book is great, a bit more scene oriented but is super on the emotional stuff), go take classes at your local BDSM club on lifestyle submission, talk with women who are already living the lifestyle you're drawn to and have them tell you about what it's like.

[Jenncoop]

Andrew,
Thank you for the book suggestion and how to find other resources to further understand my feelings. You so right, knowledge is power and I had no real idea where to start.

Hmmm, BDSM club? Apparently I am very sheltered....

Lots to learn, looking forward to it

[Clint Cora]

Don't make the mistake by comparing yourself to other people. Their personal style is not your personal style. Do what you feel is comfortable for you. If you prefer somebody to be dominant in your relationship, so be it. People outside your relationship should have no say in how you go through your relationship and life.

[Andrew Gubb]

Sounds delicious to me

By the way, there is nothing disparagingly "midlife" about discovering new desires and wanting to make a change and fulfil them. I think anyone who wants to live an excellent life needs to be ready to shake up their life to reach what they want. Take a few risks, make a few sacrifices. Now is the time, we can't live in the future. I'd say we only live once, but I don't believe that - yet I do believe that living dozens of lives waiting to live in the future sounds pretty miserable to me!

Well I'm making assumptions that you're waiting to live.. but you obviously have some internal blocks to go through... so that was my guess... really I can't overstate how important it is to be true to yourself and to your desires.

To respond to the original question - not bad for you at all, if done in a balanced way and with love.

[ssandra]

It takes a strong woman to be able to sumbit in all consciousness.

This is a major misunderstanding.. it may seem as if only weak women would do this, but the opposite is true. Only strong women can make this lifestyle work for them, and delve completely into it.

I can understand the desire. I don't have the desire 24/7, but it is definitely more then just the bedroom or during sex.

You are no freak, you are no less strong, you are not weird.

You are yourself and facing your own desires is something only strong women can and do.

[Jenncoop]

Andrew you are right about internal blocks, I'm stuck on the "social norm". I don't think I'm secure enough in myself and this is my first challenge.

Ssandra---thank you for the encouraging words. It's nice to know that 24/7 is not a requirement I don't feel I am weak on so many aspects of my life, but this is very challenging to bring something new to an old fashioned relationship. Any suggestions bringing this up with a husband who is unable to have sex due to a stroke 3 years ago? He already has had a hard time adjusting and I don't want him to feel bad about my needs.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Jenncoop

Ssandra---thank you for the encouraging words. It's nice to know that 24/7 is not a requirement I don't feel I am weak on so many aspects of my life, but this is very challenging to bring something new to an old fashioned relationship. Any suggestions bringing this up with a husband who is unable to have sex due to a stroke 3 years ago? He already has had a hard time adjusting and I don't want him to feel bad about my needs.

If your husband cares for you, chances are he already doesn't feel quite happy with the fact that he cannot have sex with you anymore.

How glad will he be that you found a different way in which he can keep you satisfied, and enjoy some nice role playing himself as well at the same time?

How to go into that conversation would depend a lot on how open the two of you talk about sex and your needs.

You could do something like renting "The secretary" to talk about it after. Or you could just say that you "read something online that you would like to try".

Or get the book mentioned before (I don't know it. I would recommend as well "Screw the roses, sent me the thorns, although that is more about bdsm in general and not just submission) and tell your husband how interested the book is that you are reading... and mark passages for him that you find exceptionally interesting and ask him to read it.

After that.. open up the conversation. It is very important to talk about boudnaries and things you'd like to try, but are afraid of, having a safe word, etc.

You will have so much fun, learning about this together! A whole new world will open up for you!

Another good suggestion (for yourself as well, or together) is to look online for a sub checklist. It has a ton of stuff on it that you can cross out as want to try, never, maybe, etc. And who knows... it may even give you some more ideas as well!

[aelle]

Originally Posted by Jenncoop

All my friends are very strong females and would never understand these feelings

Not so sure. You have no idea what happens behind closed doors!

Listen to Ssandra, she is an inspiration on building and maintaining healthy, respectful relationships with power plays. I, personally, do not want to explore any D/s stuff in my sex life precisely because I have been in real abusive relationships in the past and do not feel confident in my ability to enforce healthy boundaries at this point in my life were we to try to go down that road. If you feel your relationship is strong and trusting enough, and your own boundaries are clear and you know how to have them respected, then go for it!

[FelineNostalgia]

I was actually contemplating on buying that book ssandra :-)

I would experience the same feelings, I think they're very healthy and natural. Since I started having sexual feelings I noticed that I was masochistic before realising attractions to any certain persons. I think its a undermined sexuality. Embrace! It's a beautiful thing

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by FelineNostalgia

I would experience the same feelings, I think they're very healthy and natural. Since I started having sexual feelings I noticed that I was masochistic before realising attractions to any certain persons. I think its a undermined sexuality. Embrace! It's a beautiful thing

It is beautiful!!

Also, the extreme beauty is that you can decide for yourself how you want it to be.

I am masochisitc. I sometimes feel submissive (although... mainly after force ).

I know people who cannot stand even the slightest bit of pain, and feel submissive all the time.

And everything in between and around that.

I couldn't do 24/7, because I want my own part in life. I couldn't do it and be healthy (although it would be fun to do it for a holiday or something ), but I know people who do, and are happy and feel good about it.

Communication is everything. Talk about everything.

Things will go wrong. Something that you haven't talked about, he might do and you might not like it. Or things might go to far in the heath of the moment. That's why you need a strong foundation of trust and a safe word. And communication. Talk, talk and talk some more

[FelineNostalgia]

Ah the process of taming

I know what you mean, although I often fantasise about 24/7, but thats what hotel breaks are for :-D

When you talk you at least start of a deeper connection with the person as well and it all feels a lot more natural.

[Jenncoop]

LOL you are right about that. I've started by getting a few books as suggested. My plan is to discuss the areas in these with the hubby as long as he is not resistant or feels pressure from the discussion. If I get negative feedback I may need some other suggestions, thanks so much for the encouraging words.

[TheEternalSunshine]

I have always been attracted to the D/S relationships mainly in the bedroom. But I have recently went through a few very stressful months and couldn't help thinking that it would be great if someone could take control of my life for a while. I was feeling so stressed and overwhelmed that the idea of someone telling me what to do, when and how seemed really appealing. Now I have no experience in D/S or BDSM sexually, I just find it exciting so this is not just about sex, but all aspects of life. The idea of being dominated seems freeing to me but like Jenn I need to find more information on it too.

XXM