I just need support

[Kait]

This is my first post and I'm a little scared to open up and let go of all my failures, weaknesses, fears. Hearing the truth hurts as well. But I guess I need others opinions to grow. So here goes my life story.

I have been married for 18yrs. I have been seperated for 2yrs. My husband has always traveled for his job (gone most of the time) and I am the stay home mother raising two teenage girls "now" and taking care of the home.

Looking back now, I see that I was way to young to get married (23) and he was working on his second marriage (with me, at 37.) His first marriage they couldn't have children... so I gave him two daughters. I felt like the trophy wife then and now I feel like the baby maker that was his rebound. We didn't date long at all ( started dating August of 92') and while he was still traviling WE got engaged on New Years Eve of 92'. Looking back, he didn't even know me and I him. He was just scared of losing me and I was to young to see that he needed to slow down. I didn't plan for a wedding. I did everything to make him happy and it to be convenient for him. He was signing divorce papers with is first wife in Feb. 93' and then ask me to move to another country in the same month. It was like living in a romance novel. I decided that seeing another country would be fun and being 23 his life was exciting to me... So we got married in April (courthouse) and moved the first of June. I look back now and I see where it was all about him and not about us. I was way to young to realize that It was not a very good move. I got pregnant in May of 93' and was living in a new country. I had trouble with my first pregnancy and come back to my hometown USA to have our child...(with my mother) Looking back again he should have been there... Second child was concieved on our 2nd wedding anniversary...and I come back again to have our baby in the USA. This time, our oversea's trip had ended for me and I just came back to get our home ready. We spent six months apart and I took care of my daughter and my pregnant self. It was very stressful. But he was there to see our second daughter inter the world.
And as you read my story, I'm sure you must think, we are miltary people... (we are not)
So his job, took him overseas alot...
In the year 2004 he got sick with colon cancer had it removed and the doctor hit the small bowel and he lost all of it...I was in shock and with my families help we found him the best doctors on the planet...To make this story short. For Three years. I took care of him and our children. Driving him one hour away from where we live to see his "doctor's".

In Aug 2005, he got a new small bowel.

After so many surgeries and so many ups and downs with our emotions, he finially got better in 2007. We had jumped a huge hurdle in our marriage... I just wanted to live a normal life now. I thought this would slow his traveling down and he would have choosen to be with his daughters more. I personally couldn't handle his traveling anymore. I had been in the protective mode for so long it was very hard to come out of it...

So he decided in 2009 to leave his family and is now living overseas.

He doesn't call his teenage daughter's...
I try and to talk to him and tell him how important that it is to talk with his daughter's...but we hear nothing.

I guess my question would be...how do I just stop texting, calling his phone?

Its like when I get upset...I just vent to his number.

There is more to this story and I will have to fill it in when you guys ask questions...

I just have to somehow take this relationship and make it "something" and I know it's a strange one for sure. But It is done.... even though we are still married.

I need emotional support.

[yasny]

I guess my question would be...how do I just stop texting, calling his phone?

Its like when I get upset...I just vent to his number.

Hi there

I know exactly how you feel. I used to do the same thing and then feel awful afterwards. Eventually I deleted his number off my phone, so that I couldn't just blurt out whatever was on my mind without due consideration. Even though I knew his number, it gave me time to consider what I really wanted to say, and sometimes just typing a text message and not sending it put things into perspective and saved my dignity!
Good luck and always try to keep your dignity.

[Arz Sra]

I really feel sorry for your situation.

There are two routes you can take here. Either you make your husband change. Or you change yourself. I am not saying there is something wrong with you. There is something essentially wrong with all of us humans when it comes to relationships. We always want the other to change. We always give all the power to the other person. I do not want to seem harsh but you yourself have to change yourself sooner or later. For the sake of your daughters at least. You can try to change your husband but it would be an imposition as it seems he has nothing much in his heart for you.

The first step is to be utterly honest about the situation that surrounds you. This will be painful I know because we all tend to have a 'should be' version of the world which clashes sooner or later with the 'is' world.

People are living in much worse situations. Its all about adapting to the situation. Its not for someone else but for your own sake and for your daughters. Feelings of hatred, revenge may come up but you have to realize that these are just escapes from the misery of WHAT IS. Attending to these will only prolong the misery. Sooner or later you have to accept what is and not let yourself driven too much by 'should bes'. Your wants/needs may be totally justified but if its not possible then you should not create a burden out of it. I'll say just own your sorrow. Feel it to the fullest and do not alieanaate it. You'll get over it soon -

"Suffering does not lead to intelligence. Only in understanding it is there intelligence. Only when all escapes from sorrow are put to an end - and, in facing sorrow, you will find there is first a shock - and when the mind is no longer escaping from suffering, the causes of suffering are revealed, and you do not have to search for the cause. To search out the cause is another form of escape. If you are aware of suffering, then the content of suffering unfolds itself. The more you understand the book of suffering, the greater the wisdom. When you are escaping from the suffering, you are escaping from wisdom.

Only through passive yet alert awareness truth comes into being, and it is truth that liberates man from sorrow. It is truth that gives bliss. All positive action towards sorrow is an action of escape. Only through negative thinking - which is the highest form of thinking - is there the dissolution of sorrow."

JK

[Perry M]

Hi

I don't even begin to know how much you are hurt but first let me just offer hugs.

Even though you may be feeling unjustly treated there really isn't much you can do about it. You just have to try and let go as best you can. Because the more you hold on to it, the more you hold yourself back from new possibilities there are right now. Can you even imagine what you are holding yourself back from?

Also you may ask yourself if you were really happy while you were in the relationship. Were your needs really being met? Were his emotional needs being met or were you just filling a role by being the dedicated wife? It's not to say that you were not an amazing person (which you are ) for supporting him in his time of difficulty, but it's easy to overlook all the aspects of the relationship that make it a happy one.

If you really take the time and think about it you will probably discover ways in which you could have done better as well as him. It's not to judge yourself but to help you see more clearly where things went off track. It often helps to notice those things so you can make more sense of it all.

I am also guessing you probably found most of your sense of worth in by how dedicated you were to him, but now imagine how you would feel if you could put back all that love and energy that you gave him into yourself and your daughters.

I also think because you were so tied up in his life you figuratively lost a big piece of yourself to him. Now that he is no longer there, you may have to search inward for who you are. You could even reinvent yourself again.

I like you have been wronged in so many ways because I was young and didn't know any better but it seems like there are lots of really great things that came out of those experiences. In your case you gained 2 amazing girls! You probably gained in so many positive ways that it would probably take you a long time to count.

Finally all this seems easier to say than do. Unfortunately they are really hard a painful to do but if you are willing to take it day by day you will feel better in time.

Lots of love to you and your daughters.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by yasny

I guess my question would be...how do I just stop texting, calling his phone?

Its like when I get upset...I just vent to his number.

Hi there

I know exactly how you feel. I used to do the same thing and then feel awful afterwards. Eventually I deleted his number off my phone, so that I couldn't just blurt out whatever was on my mind without due consideration. Even though I knew his number, it gave me time to consider what I really wanted to say, and sometimes just typing a text message and not sending it put things into perspective and saved my dignity!
Good luck and always try to keep your dignity.

I guess I don't see it as "save my dignity". To me, I am venting "to the one" that deserves my anger for what he has done to his children. Im not sure if
I am angry is about the marriage or time wasted (look at ALL I have done for you)... I now look at it, as this is NOT my fault this isn't about ME it's about HIM...and the way he wants to live the rest of his life out. Yes, I do find it to be selfish and maybe that's what I can't get over.

[Fred Tracy]

I can see your pretty pissed and hurt about what happened. I would be too.

However, you have to let him go. Even if he's the biggest jerk in the world, you'll only hurt yourself by resenting him. You simply have to move on.

You stop texting him by not texting him. You stop calling him by not calling him.

Make the decision to release him from your life one step at a time. And don't look back.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by Arz Sra

I really feel sorry for your situation.

There are two routes you can take here. Either you make your husband change. Or you change yourself. I am not saying there is something wrong with you. There is something essentially wrong with all of us humans when it comes to relationships. We always want the other to change. We always give all the power to the other person. I do not want to seem harsh but you yourself have to change yourself sooner or later. For the sake of your daughters at least. You can try to change your husband but it would be an imposition as it seems he has nothing much in his heart for you.

The first step is to be utterly honest about the situation that surrounds you. This will be painful I know because we all tend to have a 'should be' version of the world which clashes sooner or later with the 'is' world.

People are living in much worse situations. Its all about adapting to the situation. Its not for someone else but for your own sake and for your daughters. Feelings of hatred, revenge may come up but you have to realize that these are just escapes from the misery of WHAT IS. Attending to these will only prolong the misery. Sooner or later you have to accept what is and not let yourself driven too much by 'should bes'. Your wants/needs may be totally justified but if its not possible then you should not create a burden out of it. I'll say just own your sorrow. Feel it to the fullest and do not alieanaate it. You'll get over it soon -

"Suffering does not lead to intelligence. Only in understanding it is there intelligence. Only when all escapes from sorrow are put to an end - and, in facing sorrow, you will find there is first a shock - and when the mind is no longer escaping from suffering, the causes of suffering are revealed, and you do not have to search for the cause. To search out the cause is another form of escape. If you are aware of suffering, then the content of suffering unfolds itself. The more you understand the book of suffering, the greater the wisdom. When you are escaping from the suffering, you are escaping from wisdom.

Only through passive yet alert awareness truth comes into being, and it is truth that liberates man from sorrow. It is truth that gives bliss. All positive action towards sorrow is an action of escape. Only through negative thinking - which is the highest form of thinking - is there the dissolution of sorrow."

JK

I dont really know if I am suffering now...I do find myself on an emotional rollercoaster ride. Its as if I numb one minute and a basket case the next. The marriage wasnt really a healthy marriage IT JUST LOOKED healthy. We didn't fight all that much, just in the end. I do have a hard time just being friends with him which is what he wants...but I refuse to give him that gift. I have no respect for him now. I am sure I will read your comment over and over to let it sink in my mind and learn what it is that I need to learn from this... thanks

[Kait]

Originally Posted by Perry M

Hi

I don't even begin to know how much you are hurt but first let me just offer hugs.

Even though you may be feeling unjustly treated there really isn't much you can do about it. You just have to try and let go as best you can. Because the more you hold on to it, the more you hold yourself back from new possibilities there are right now. Can you even imagine what you are holding yourself back from?.

I don't believe I am holding back now, I have moved on and dating someone new. I just feel I get upset now when he doesn't act as a father or dad...or the role HE WANTED that he didn't have with his first wife. And let me add SHE wanted the divorce. I am assuming she thought he would NEVER be there for their children even if they adopted?

Originally Posted by Perry M

Also you may ask yourself if you were really happy while you were in the relationship. Were your needs really being met? Were his emotional needs being met or were you just filling a role by being the dedicated wife? It's not to say that you were not an amazing person (which you are ) for supporting him in his time of difficulty, but it's easy to overlook all the aspects of the relationship that make it a happy one.

I agree that this is another reason why he left ... that he didn't feel my needs were being met as his wife. I think he just gave up. It was mentally painful and physically not happening anymore.

Originally Posted by Perry M

If you really take the time and think about it you will probably discover ways in which you could have done better as well as him. It's not to judge yourself but to help you see more clearly where things went off track. It often helps to notice those things so you can make more sense of it all..

I have done this...and still do it.

Originally Posted by Perry M

I am also guessing you probably found most of your sense of worth in by how dedicated you were to him, but now imagine how you would feel if you could put back all that love and energy that you gave him into yourself and your daughters.

I'm trying so hard, our daughter have more issues from all of this and now I'm just taking it one day at a time. I do feel like the parent that failed my daughters but slowly realizing that it takes two parents to do damage control.

Originally Posted by Perry M

I also think because you were so tied up in his life you figuratively lost a big piece of yourself to him. Now that he is no longer there, you may have to search inward for who you are. You could even reinvent yourself again..

I did lose a big part of me and this is hard to take...for I feel like, WHO would what this now OR WHY would they what this...it seems yet disfuctional. Or I have nothing to offer. Yes, I know I need to work on me that's why I'm here

Originally Posted by Perry M

I like you have been wronged in so many ways because I was young and didn't know any better but it seems like there are lots of really great things that came out of those experiences. In your case you gained 2 amazing girls! You probably gained in so many positive ways that it would probably take you a long time to count.

Right now, the way I feel, it's like, I have caused so much pain for two innocent people. Because of my choices and behaviors in the man I choose to marry and raise children with...

Originally Posted by Perry M

Finally all this seems easier to say than do. Unfortunately they are really hard a painful to do but if you are willing to take it day by day you will feel better in time.

Lots of love to you and your daughters.

We will get there with a lot of patience and understanding.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by Fred Tracy

I can see your pretty pissed and hurt about what happened. I would be too.

However, you have to let him go. Even if he's the biggest jerk in the world, you'll only hurt yourself by resenting him. You simply have to move on.

You stop texting him by not texting him. You stop calling him by not calling him.

Make the decision to release him from your life one step at a time. And don't look back.

Im really not sure if I am angry with him or pissed. Maybe because it's been two years now? Maybe when I feel his NOT making very good choices with his daughter's. I want to fix it but I can't... I think he is upset because I didn't let my children go overseas and visit this summer. AND saying MY CHILDREN is my way of letting go of him... He could have taken more control by legal action but he didn't even want to do that...I honestly do feel he doesn't want to divorce me. He wants to be the victim. Or to somehow control my life? It's sad because he is not...and I certainly don't have the money to do this either and he is helping me with health insurance. You would think if he wanted a divorce... He would have gotten legal sepration papers drawn up before he left the country? BUT I still live in our home and he still pays the bills...There is really NO way that I can just STOP texting as of yet...for I get frustrated when he doesn't pay a bill on time. As I see we didn't have a problem before...its kinda NOT taking responsiblity if I choose NOT to look at the bills.. I think maybe sometimes he just wants to see me frustrated. Is it possible?

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Kait

To me, I am venting "to the one" that deserves my anger for what he has done to his children.

He may deserve your anger, but think about the cost of giving him what he deserves. Is he worth the price you pay for giving him what he deserves? You said that he wants to be a victim, but you're the one making him a victim. You're the one persecuting him. Is his punishment so necessary that you should be the one to foot the bill and pay the emotional price to ensure that he receives it?

You ask how to stop texting him, and my answer is that you don't want to. You're willing to drag yourself down with him if it mean hurting him for what he's done. You say it's for what he's done to his children, but I don't think you can say they would be better off with him in their life. Kids don't need a dad, they need a good dad. If he's no good, then they might be better off if all they know of him is that he pays the bills.

It sounds more like you're upset that he made an implicit promise to them to be a good father and then broke it. It's not so much about him being a bad father as it is about you not liking people that break that kind of promise. He violated your moral code, and your response to that is to punish him with angry feelings. So long as you hold to your stance on what he did, you will react as you have been reacting. The only way to stop is to give up your moral stance, and admit that what he did is not a thing that requires condemnation. I think it's more about forgetting than forgiving; forgiveness implies that he did something wrong, and the only way that you can be alright is if he didn't.

[Perry M]

I'm trying so hard, our daughter have more issues from all of this and now I'm just taking it one day at a time. I do feel like the parent that failed my daughters but slowly realizing that it takes two parents to do damage control.

Your daughters are probably more aware of that than you realize. My parents were divorced when I was 2. I grew up accepting that was that and I didn't blame either of them. The only thing that hurt me more than anything was how hateful my mom was towards my dad. I felt like I was used and manipulated in a power struggle and constantly expected to take sides. I think if you can avoid blaming and involving your kids they will understand the truth in time.

Right now, the way I feel, it's like, I have caused so much pain for two innocent people. Because of my choices and behaviors in the man I choose to marry and raise children with...

There is no point in blaming yourself as a parent. Your kids already know you are flawed . The important thing is that you take responsibility, for your mistakes and listen to what they are asking of you right now.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

He may deserve your anger, but think about the cost of giving him what he deserves. Is he worth the price you pay for giving him what he deserves? You said that he wants to be a victim, but you're the one making him a victim. You're the one persecuting him. Is his punishment so necessary that you should be the one to foot the bill and pay the emotional price to ensure that he receives it?.

Yes, I think your right. And please tell me again, WHY this feels so good? This does feel good to me. I feel better after I do it...Would it be that I do it because I know he lives with a lot of guilt?

Originally Posted by The Cloud

You ask how to stop texting him, and my answer is that you don't want to. You're willing to drag yourself down with him if it mean hurting him for what he's done. You say it's for what he's done to his children, but I don't think you can say they would be better off with him in their life. Kids don't need a dad, they need a good dad. If he's no good, then they might be better off if all they know of him is that he pays the bills.?.

How come I don't feel that I am dragging myself down with him? I honestly do feel better and have NO regrets doing it.

Originally Posted by The Cloud

It sounds more like you're upset that he made an implicit promise to them to be a good father and then broke it.?.

Yes your right before he got sick. We has a family was sitting a the kitchen table and one of our children ask if we would ever get a divorce AND of course to make my children feel secure I said, "your dad and I will have arguements but will never seperate. Isn't that right honey? Yes dear."

Originally Posted by The Cloud

It's not so much about him being a bad father as it is about you not liking people that break that kind of promise. He violated your moral code, and your response to that is to punish him with angry feelings. So long as you hold to your stance on what he did, you will react as you have been reacting. The only way to stop is to give up your moral stance, and admit that what he did is not a thing that requires condemnation. I think it's more about forgetting than forgiving; forgiveness implies that he did something wrong, and the only way that you can be alright is if he didn't.

I'm not sure I have forgiveness yet, as you see the behavior. Its really NOT everyday or everyweek but I will say that its aleast twice a month...just letting him have it...and I notice I will do it on times when I see my children crying for his lack of attention.

He will even say, I know I'm not being a "good dad" so he is aware of his own behavior too.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by Perry M

Your daughters are probably more aware of that than you realize. My parents were divorced when I was 2. I grew up accepting that was that and I didn't blame either of them. The only thing that hurt me more than anything was how hateful my mom was towards my dad. I felt like I was used and manipulated in a power struggle and constantly expected to take sides. I think if you can avoid blaming and involving your kids they will understand the truth in time.



There is no point in blaming yourself as a parent. Your kids already know you are flawed . The important thing is that you take responsibility, for your mistakes and listen to what they are asking of you right now.

I did come from divorced parents too...when I was 9. He was 16 when his parents divorced...so he kinda gets how my children feel.

I guess I have "love letters" to show what kind of man he was suppose to be BEFORE we got married. It was like a desperate promise so I wouldnt start dating anyone while he was traveling. I think with this seperation there is NO power struggles here. But my children know how I feel as I do them...and we all agree that he is sick and in great denial of his situation. But I do feel he still knows right from wrong and I think my children already know that he is NOT the same person. As for me changing, it has been two years and I know my children already see a big difference in me. I'm just ready to see a big differance in them too

[votoshka]

I think it's important that you stop texting him and venting at him. He has made his decision where his daughters are concerned, and one day he may come to regret not spending time with them or talking to them regularly.

You can't blame YOURSELF for making the wrong decisions in marrying this man. It's impossible to predict how people will turn out in the future, especially if they seem set on a particular course of action (ie marriage and children).

I think if you just give him the space he may come around and begin to contact his kids again, but if you do keep haranguing him about it, he may be digging in his heels, because he doesn't want to do what he's being told to do! Many people can be quite contrary in this way, and will actually do the right thing themselves if they're not being pushed or persuaded by someone else! It's like when you're a kid and your parents are on and on about you doing your homework, when you actually had plans to do it yourself...but all their pressuring just makes you annoyed, and you then don't WANT to do it because you're being told to! (Or was that just me??! ).

Just step back for a few weeks and see what happens, he may actually surprise you!

[Arz Sra]

Originally Posted by Kait

I did come from divorced parents too...when I was 9. He was 16 when his parents divorced...so he kinda gets how my children feel.

I guess I have "love letters" to show what kind of man he was suppose to be BEFORE we got married. It was like a desperate promise so I wouldnt start dating anyone while he was traveling. I think with this seperation there is NO power struggles here. But my children know how I feel as I do them...and we all agree that he is sick and in great denial of his situation. But I do feel he still knows right from wrong and I think my children already know that he is NOT the same person. As for me changing, it has been two years and I know my children already see a big difference in me. I'm just ready to see a big differance in them too

Was your husband into some spiritual stuff?

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Kait

How come I don't feel that I am dragging myself down with him? I honestly do feel better and have NO regrets doing it.

There's no reason to stop if you have no regrets. Of course, feelings can be tricky; they can tell you something is right at the time, but then if you think about it a week later you might find yourself wondering why getting what you wanted and feeling great about it doesn't feel so great anymore. If you truly have no regrets about your habit of venting, then I'd keep it going; but if you're wondering a week later why you feel a little sick or confused inside about the person you were at that time, then maybe it's not something you want to continue having no regrets about.

[Vaganova]

If you could pull the Genie off of Disney's Aladdin and get your 3 wishes, would you wish for him back? Wish for the pain to go away? Wish you'd never met him? Wish he'd talk to you?

Once you figure that out, figure out what your next step's going to be. If it's the first one, then put your energy into that. If it's the second, put your energy into that. If it's the third, put your energy into that and so forth.

I had a best friend/soul mate ditch me in June for no reason and completely stop talking to me. It SUCKS!! :'(

[Kait]

Originally Posted by votoshka

I think it's important that you stop texting him and venting at him. He has made his decision where his daughters are concerned, and one day he may come to regret not spending time with them or talking to them regularly.

You can't blame YOURSELF for making the wrong decisions in marrying this man. It's impossible to predict how people will turn out in the future, especially if they seem set on a particular course of action (ie marriage and children).

I think if you just give him the space he may come around and begin to contact his kids again, but if you do keep haranguing him about it, he may be digging in his heels, because he doesn't want to do what he's being told to do! Many people can be quite contrary in this way, and will actually do the right thing themselves if they're not being pushed or persuaded by someone else! It's like when you're a kid and your parents are on and on about you doing your homework, when you actually had plans to do it yourself...but all their pressuring just makes you annoyed, and you then don't WANT to do it because you're being told to! (Or was that just me??! ).

Just step back for a few weeks and see what happens, he may actually surprise you!

I think I do get a pay off for text-ing him. Its like he does things he should for alittle while and then he goes back to Out of sight Out of mind.. I don't hear from him unless he wants something from me...and when he does this, I inform him that he left and that he didn't want a wife anymore. So I'm not taking the time to make life comfy anymore...I think it's like, I gave, and I gave and gave when we where together..but when he left, HE thought I was going to do the same as when he was here...I have had to change just so he couldn't control my life. example: Showing up just whenever he felt like it... I had to set boundiars and that has been very difficult for me to do. I am very easy to get along with but I had to teach him that I wanted my privacy too... I was stonewalled for almost nine months wanting to work on our marriage (this was before he left) If he don't want to talk, he wont...I think coming out of a life and death experience, he doesn't let anyone control him now. But I think he knows how much I fought for his life.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

There's no reason to stop if you have no regrets. Of course, feelings can be tricky; they can tell you something is right at the time, but then if you think about it a week later you might find yourself wondering why getting what you wanted and feeling great about it doesn't feel so great anymore. If you truly have no regrets about your habit of venting, then I'd keep it going; but if you're wondering a week later why you feel a little sick or confused inside about the person you were at that time, then maybe it's not something you want to continue having no regrets about.

I think the only thing that makes me think about it a month later, is WHEN I THINK of laying him in the ground. Something I know is pulling at me, saying, Okay how long are you going to do this behavior? I know I am going to make a decesion too.. Or I would have never bought it up here. I just know that I don't have regrets doing it. But I do know all things come to an end, such as life. Im just trying to understand WHAT is the pay off? I think it is that I do make him feel guilty and I do get more money, ect...I just tell him like it is and I think deep down inside him, HE knows I'm right...But how long do I want to continue the guilt trip? Til I hear him say, you were right? I guess. Why do I need this? or What do I want it? Because for many years, I have felt NOT good enough..."just the lonely wife that didn't have the career" But smart enough to save his life... Maybe I'm looking for a "Thank You"

[Kait]

Originally Posted by Arz Sra

Was your husband into some spiritual stuff?

I think he was very spirtual before he met me...I think HE didnt want to get a divorce with his first wife (which it does state that in the divorce papers) He was hurt and needed something more.


I think now since the cancer the transplant and losing out on our new home we were building has thrown him into a NON believer. Yes, he told me he didn't believe anymore. I was in huge shock when I heard this...I just didn't want my children hearing it...and told him so...

He is not the man I married and I can't believe his behaviors...but I have to take in consideration he is on alot of drugs to keep him alive. Ever since he started back to work 2007 the man hasn't made very good choices. His doctor told him NO more than six weeks overseas and he stays out for 12. He is always pushing the envelope. He told me once, that if he starts believing he is a transplant patient he will die... so this shows me denial. But I didnt really know him when I started dating him ....thats why there was the "love letters" he was making up for the time he was gone...

[Kait]

Originally Posted by Vaganova

If you could pull the Genie off of Disney's Aladdin and get your 3 wishes, would you wish for him back? Wish for the pain to go away? Wish you'd never met him? Wish he'd talk to you?

Once you figure that out, figure out what your next step's going to be. If it's the first one, then put your energy into that. If it's the second, put your energy into that. If it's the third, put your energy into that and so forth.

I had a best friend/soul mate ditch me in June for no reason and completely stop talking to me. It SUCKS!! :'(

I wish that he would have been more of an adult about it and would have help this family heal... when children are involved you do whats best for them first...and that doesn't mean getting back together...that means helping your children heal first...I wish I had never met him.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Kait

Im just trying to understand WHAT is the pay off?

I don't understand your motives. Why is this question important to you?

[Vaganova]

Originally Posted by Kait

I think he was very spirtual before he met me...I think HE didnt want to get a divorce with his first wife (which it does state that in the divorce papers) He was hurt and needed something more.


I think now since the cancer the transplant and losing out on our new home we were building has thrown him into a NON believer. Yes, he told me he didn't believe anymore. I was in huge shock when I heard this...I just didn't want my children hearing it...and told him so...

He is not the man I married and I can't believe his behaviors...but I have to take in consideration he is on alot of drugs to keep him alive. Ever since he started back to work 2007 the man hasn't made very good choices. His doctor told him NO more than six weeks overseas and he stays out for 12. He is always pushing the envelope. He told me once, that if he starts believing he is a transplant patient he will die... so this shows me denial. But I didnt really know him when I started dating him ....thats why there was the "love letters" he was making up for the time he was gone...

*hugs* When I first met my best friend/soul mate whatever, he was way spiritual too. Then he discovered atheism and went way too gung ho about it. :'(

It sucks when people do that to you.

I don't know if this is helpful or not, but when I was a little kid, my uncle kinda tried to ruin my life... and didn't remember. Once I found out it was because of a medical problem he had, (I was right, it did happen, he was right, he didn't remember) I was able to forgive *him* and basically be mad at his medical problem for awhile.

Again, *hugs*.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

I don't understand your motives. Why is this question important to you?

Somehow I just think I like doing it,...I don't think there is any motives unless you wake up notice your child crying and say, what's wrong? And they tell you they're afraid they will never see their dad again...

I know that everything was fine at one point in our marriage or I had just settled. We even got through him being sick " just fine" (It was like a curve ball being thrown and you just didn't expect it coming..It's like it all happen in two months IN slow motion) But it was his behaviors I couldn't handle.

I guess the question is important to me because I need stop. I need to just let him deal with his own children is his own time. But by that time, our children will just let go of him, as he has let go of them. They will just have to follow their own hearts. I cant stop his behavior as he can't stop my texting him. I only do it when there's a problem. So when I see pain I need to deal with it another way and not lash out to the husband that don't care to make a difference.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by Vaganova

*hugs* When I first met my best friend/soul mate whatever, he was way spiritual too. Then he discovered atheism and went way too gung ho about it. :'(

It sucks when people do that to you.

I don't know if this is helpful or not, but when I was a little kid, my uncle kinda tried to ruin my life... and didn't remember. Once I found out it was because of a medical problem he had, (I was right, it did happen, he was right, he didn't remember) I was able to forgive *him* and basically be mad at his medical problem for awhile.

Again, *hugs*.

I'm sorry for your lose. I did hurt really bad in the beginning. But I have another person in my life "that is aware of my situation and knows the husband" I seem to do better with his presence. He is teaching me how to relax.

Im not sure I have learned forgiveness yet...I think when that comes, is when you see your life getting better or when you see your children succeeding. I think JOY brings on forgiveness. I'm not even close to forgiveness.

But I wish you peace in your heart and that you can find love that feels your soul. Thank you for the hugs.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Kait

I guess the question is important to me because I need stop.

I think that in order to stop, you'll need to decided that your children don't need their father. You say that they cry for him, but couldn't that easily be because you brought them up that way, to expect him to be there for them and to react that way when he isn't?

Emotionally, you need what you decide that you need, and with your kids it's the same way. They learn their decisions from you. They aren't crying because they have to cry, they're crying either because they were taught to cry, or because no one taught them otherwise. It isn't their father being away that's hurting them, it's that they've learned to hurt themselves [emotionally] when he's gone. Just like you've learned to hurt him when he's gone. You expect him to suffer for what he's done, and I bet you expect your children to suffer as well. Is it strange to think that your children are meeting your expectations?

[neilpage]

I understand as to what you feel. I to have been in a situation such as this.
It took some time, I learned to let go of the ideal of "how it should be" & accepted the truth of "I can't change anyone but myself".
You to can push pass your pain and fine better days ahead.
we all want what best for our children; therefore, Be the best one you know how.
* I wish you better days ahead*

[Kait]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

I think that in order to stop, you'll need to decided that your children don't need their father. You say that they cry for him, but couldn't that easily be because you brought them up that way, to expect him to be there for them and to react that way when he isn't??

I don't think I did. I think he did.

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Emotionally, you need what you decide that you need, and with your kids it's the same way. They learn their decisions from you. They aren't crying because they have to cry, they're crying either because they were taught to cry, or because no one taught them otherwise. It isn't their father being away that's hurting them, it's that they've learned to hurt themselves [emotionally] when he's gone. Just like you've learned to hurt him when he's gone. You expect him to suffer for what he's done, and I bet you expect your children to suffer as well. Is it strange to think that your children are meeting your expectations?

My believe is that when you reach 17 and 15 soon be be 18 and 16 you have your own ways of seeing life. Through friends, family, teacher's, people that come and go in your life. It takes a village to raise one child. And it takes two parents to make good decesions and bad decesions. I own mine behaviors and know when I have been wrong. Im not a perfect parent but I have NOT walked away from my children...There were numerous times that I said, lets do what's right for our kids. He fought me the whole way. What is his expections?

[Kait]

Originally Posted by neilpage

I understand as to what you feel. I to have been in a situation such as this.
It took some time, I learned to let go of the ideal of "how it should be" & accepted the truth of "I can't change anyone but myself".
You to can push pass your pain and fine better days ahead.
we all want what best for our children; therefore, Be the best one you know how.
* I wish you better days ahead*

I agree. We (my children and I) will be fine. Thanks

[newkaren]

Originally Posted by Kait

Im not sure I have learned forgiveness yet...I think when that comes, is when you see your life getting better or when you see your children succeeding. I think JOY brings on forgiveness. I'm not even close to forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a verb. It doesn't just happen. You have to decided to forgive, then you have to work on it. Every time you think of how he has wronged you and your daughters, forgive him. *Give* your anger to your higher power. For me, if I ask for it to be taken it doesn't work. I have to give it.

Delete his number. Your only hurting yourself by sending him angry texts. After you have forgiven, you still don't need to speak, talk with him unless you want to, and believe to be safe for you. I'm sure your daughters have his number. Should they have any reason to talk to him.