I just need support

[Kait]

Originally Posted by newkaren

Forgiveness is a verb. It doesn't just happen. You have to decided to forgive, then you have to work on it. Every time you think of how he has wronged you and your daughters, forgive him. *Give* your anger to your higher power. For me, if I ask for it to be taken it doesn't work. I have to give it..

....like you said, forgiveness is a verb and it doesn't happen just like that... I'm not ready to "give" that to him... and I think that's okay. I believe sometimes people need to earn your kindness again. It's call respect. And I also know that's one thing he wants really bad... I don't need his "anything".

Originally Posted by newkaren

Delete his number. Your only hurting yourself by sending him angry texts. After you have forgiven, you still don't need to speak, talk with him unless you want to, and believe to be safe for you. I'm sure your daughters have his number. Should they have any reason to talk to him.

I believe I'm done texting....but I wont get rid of his number in my phone... and my children are aloud to call him anytime they feel but they haven't (they have their own phones)...you have to be an example to children. If he don't call...why should they? If he isn't a part of their life, why should they be apart of his? He is the example...he is the adult. You have to "give" love in order to show it.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Kait

I don't think I did. I think he did.

Well, if he's no good as a father, then don't support the behaviors that he taught them.

Let me ask you this; do you think that, as things are, your children can grow up on a healthy environment? It sounds to me like you're rather fatalistic in your beliefs. You think that your children need this or that to become happy, and that they aren't likely to ever get either. You think one parent isn't good enough, because they need two, and they aren't going to get anything better than you. Basically, everything is messed up beyond recovery, and the only thing you can do is to punish the man that did this to you all.

I'll tell you this from my experience; a bad father is probably worse than no father. Your responsibility as a mother now isn't to make sure they have a dad of questionable quality, it's to make sure they can live without him and without hating him for what he's done. Hatred and resentment will do much more to kill the happiness in your children than any amount of neglect from their father. If he vanishes, they can live without him, as long as they don't carry those feelings.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Well, if he's no good as a father, then don't support the behaviors that he taught them..

I don't believe I said, he was a NO GOOD father. But I don't support his actions. I don't.

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Let me ask you this; do you think that, as things are, your children can grow up on a healthy environment?.

Yes. But let me take you in my my personal life. I was raised by a single parent (mother) and my mother had me at 16. Now on that note; She never had her dad in her life either (meet him only once in her life) when she was pregnant with me. Now, I believe children are more healthier with both parents involved. I believe that I have been through this (single parenting situation) and a father's love is priceless to a son, or a daughter. I'm NOT saying it can't be done. I'm saying young women (such as I then) looked for father figures and they make huge mistakes in what they think is love. I know this, I am in it now...I don't want this for my children.

Originally Posted by The Cloud

It sounds to me like you're rather fatalistic in your beliefs. You think that your children need this or that to become happy, and that they aren't likely to ever get either. You think one parent isn't good enough, because they need two, and they aren't going to get anything better than you. Basically, everything is messed up beyond recovery, and the only thing you can do is to punish the man that did this to you all.?.

Punishing him I will say, I am. But I believe it's part of my recovery NOT beyond recovery.

He knows today, I didn't have a relationship with my father. So am I beyond recovery? And yes I've tired and I know there will never be a relationship there.

Originally Posted by The Cloud

I'll tell you this from my experience; a bad father is probably worse than no father. Your responsibility as a mother now isn't to make sure they have a dad of questionable quality, it's to make sure they can live without him and without hating him for what he's done. Hatred and resentment will do much more to kill the happiness in your children than any amount of neglect from their father. If he vanishes, they can live without him, as long as they don't carry those feelings.

My Responsiblity is to do what's right for them. That is if I feel he needs to be there...and that I feel. Can I make him? No. But I can express it? Yes, if I feel I should. A neglectful parent brings on pain and unhappiness too. I've been there. So there's your fatalitic beliefs. I don't make my children cry when I am trying to support them. I don't bring on beliefs that WE can't live without DAD. We will live without him and we are doing so...emotional.

[The Cloud]

My parents divorced when I was very little. I stayed with my mother, but my father didn't move too far away, so I saw him every other weekend. In a way, I have a father figure. But I could never go to him with my problems, or learn anything about life from him. He's an intensely closed person, and even if I'd asked him about how to deal with human relationships or growing up, he wouldn't have had an answer for me. So in a way, I didn't have a father figure at all. I'm pretty convinced that the guy my mom married afterwards hated me for most of my life, so he certainly doesn't count.

More than a father, I think that your children need someone to show them that they don't have to live life on the terms of the dysfunctional people around them. Their distant father doesn't have to be a weight around their necks that they pass on to the next generation. Bad things will happen to them, like they happen to all people. If they learn how to respond to those things, you don't have to protect them from being hurt so much. That protection won't mean much if they can't get back up after getting knocked down.

I never had someone to teach me anything like that, so when I was knocked down, I stayed down (just a metaphor, I was never physically abused). As things stand, it sounds like you feel helpless against the forces working against your childrens' happiness. I think that if I'd had someone to show me that I didn't have to live life on the terms of the people that did the knocking, I could have been happy. You can't stop your children from being hurt, but you can learn and show them that their lives aren't dictated by the things that hurt them. In order to do that, you must apply it to yourself first.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

My parents divorced when I was very little. I stayed with my mother, but my father didn't move too far away, so I saw him every other weekend. In a way, I have a father figure. But I could never go to him with my problems, or learn anything about life from him. He's an intensely closed person, and even if I'd asked him about how to deal with human relationships or growing up, he wouldn't have had an answer for me. So in a way, I didn't have a father figure at all. I'm pretty convinced that the guy my mom married afterwards hated me for most of my life, so he certainly doesn't count..

With my children, my husband was there day in and day out. (when not traveling) He was like the third child, to play with..They had fun with him. Then all of the sudden sickness take hold of the body and changes a person views and decesions. (the marriage wasn't great but it wasn't bad either) It's like a best friend dieing. The grieving takes place...its been a year now since he as been completely out of their life. The first year of our seperation was an adjustment period...HE lived maybe a mile an a half away. I had to set boundiars and (without going to the courthouse) I have done well. I made sure that my children got to choose when they wanted to spend time with their Dad. Because he was making sure it wasn't an every other weekend responsiblity. He was doing it when he wanted too. Just like now...and I when they got time to go they could always backout. If you want to go...go...and if you go and you don't feel safe call me and i will be there. I let them choose.

I didn't have this growing up either BUT I did have the best step father and he was everything to me...but it took my mother four years to find the right man and role model. My children don't need a step father now.. They really need a great friend and someone that supports my parenting skills. I am happier he is overseas...but it is his responsiblity to call or not. I want ever have his guilt. I do see why the first wife left.

Originally Posted by The Cloud

More than a father, I think that your children need someone to show them that they don't have to live life on the terms of the dysfunctional people around them. Their distant father doesn't have to be a weight around their necks that they pass on to the next generation. Bad things will happen to them, like they happen to all people. If they learn how to respond to those things, you don't have to protect them from being hurt so much. That protection won't mean much if they can't get back up after getting knocked down..

I agree with this a 100%.

Originally Posted by The Cloud

I never had someone to teach me anything like that, so when I was knocked down, I stayed down (just a metaphor, I was never physically abused). As things stand, it sounds like you feel helpless against the forces working against your childrens' happiness. I think that if I'd had someone to show me that I didn't have to live life on the terms of the people that did the knocking, I could have been happy. You can't stop your children from being hurt, but you can learn and show them that their lives aren't dictated by the things that hurt them. In order to do that, you must apply it to yourself first.

I just think my "emotional basket" works off of how my kids feel and how they are adjusting to this situation. I want them to be happy and to do well. I feel like my kids have been thrown in a situation to "deal with it" on your own now. Its a huge adjustment period when you go from a stay home mother to a mother thats not home much at all due to working and getting a new life (school). It is like a "knock down" and you'll have to get up by yourself now... feeling. Its okay tho..they know they have too...

You have made me feel that I can do this on my own and that it will be okay...thank you.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Kait

You have made me feel that I can do this on my own and that it will be okay...thank you.

Haha, I'm sure things would have been okay without me, too. Personally, I don't think your kids will grow up in spite of what's going on in their lives now; they'll grow up because of it. Instead of fighting the situation, incorporate it, make it yours. Don't make problems where they don't have to be.

[heroinqueen]

Originally Posted by Kait

This is my first post and I'm a little scared to open up and let go of all my failures, weaknesses, fears. Hearing the truth hurts as well. But I guess I need others opinions to grow. So here goes my life story.

I have been married for 18yrs. I have been seperated for 2yrs. My husband has always traveled for his job (gone most of the time) and I am the stay home mother raising two teenage girls "now" and taking care of the home.

Looking back now, I see that I was way to young to get married (23) and he was working on his second marriage (with me, at 37.) His first marriage they couldn't have children... so I gave him two daughters. I felt like the trophy wife then and now I feel like the baby maker that was his rebound. We didn't date long at all ( started dating August of 92') and while he was still traviling WE got engaged on New Years Eve of 92'. Looking back, he didn't even know me and I him. He was just scared of losing me and I was to young to see that he needed to slow down. I didn't plan for a wedding. I did everything to make him happy and it to be convenient for him. He was signing divorce papers with is first wife in Feb. 93' and then ask me to move to another country in the same month. It was like living in a romance novel. I decided that seeing another country would be fun and being 23 his life was exciting to me... So we got married in April (courthouse) and moved the first of June. I look back now and I see where it was all about him and not about us. I was way to young to realize that It was not a very good move. I got pregnant in May of 93' and was living in a new country. I had trouble with my first pregnancy and come back to my hometown USA to have our child...(with my mother) Looking back again he should have been there... Second child was concieved on our 2nd wedding anniversary...and I come back again to have our baby in the USA. This time, our oversea's trip had ended for me and I just came back to get our home ready. We spent six months apart and I took care of my daughter and my pregnant self. It was very stressful. But he was there to see our second daughter inter the world.
And as you read my story, I'm sure you must think, we are miltary people... (we are not)
So his job, took him overseas alot...
In the year 2004 he got sick with colon cancer had it removed and the doctor hit the small bowel and he lost all of it...I was in shock and with my families help we found him the best doctors on the planet...To make this story short. For Three years. I took care of him and our children. Driving him one hour away from where we live to see his "doctor's".

In Aug 2005, he got a new small bowel.

After so many surgeries and so many ups and downs with our emotions, he finially got better in 2007. We had jumped a huge hurdle in our marriage... I just wanted to live a normal life now. I thought this would slow his traveling down and he would have choosen to be with his daughters more. I personally couldn't handle his traveling anymore. I had been in the protective mode for so long it was very hard to come out of it...

So he decided in 2009 to leave his family and is now living overseas.

He doesn't call his teenage daughter's...
I try and to talk to him and tell him how important that it is to talk with his daughter's...but we hear nothing.

I guess my question would be...how do I just stop texting, calling his phone?

Its like when I get upset...I just vent to his number.

There is more to this story and I will have to fill it in when you guys ask questions...

I just have to somehow take this relationship and make it "something" and I know it's a strange one for sure. But It is done.... even though we are still married.

I need emotional support.

I know you'r deeply hurt and not just that but you're highly disappointed in your husband as well. Also, i'm very sure you wished you'd never met him.
Well, i'm going to sound a bit harsh but kindly take it lightly and think abt it. First of all, before you met ur husband, i'm very sure you were aware this was the nature of his work ( travelling always ) but still u overlooked and got married to him after he got divorced. So you knew and accepted the nature of his work ( maybe u didn't forsee how the future was like to have such a husband who travels most often ). You will consider that as a mistake but in your case i'l say that u were a bit naive ( i'm not judging u but i'm trying to clarify something here ).
Before i continue, i'l like to ask if your relationship was based on love? (well, as u'v said, u didn't date enough to realise this) . I'm sure there are lots of things u didn't give a 2nd thought but this can not be changed rather u can make the best out of ure marriage inorder to make ur children happy. I will certainly not ask you to divorce ur husband neither will i ask u to date someone else when u'r still married (its wrong and what would u be teaching ur children? remember they are still young).
(Marriages have their ups and downs and u need to be strong and optimistic about the future. If you are a Christian, i would ask that u pray to God to help you who i know will if only u can trust Him cuz He is the best helper u can find.)
Its natural to be angry at ur husband but that doesn't solve the problem, it only makes it worse cuz anger doesn't solve problems, LOVE does. Just love him even when he doesn't call (infact, there are several ways u n ur children can chat with him and that could be through skype, facebook or common emailing if he doesn't like calling). Find very good reasons to give to your children why they don't see daddy most often rather than making them feel daddy is the worse of all (if thats what u do). U can tell them something like, daddy loves u all very much but daddy needs to work hard to pay the bills that is why u don't c him most often. Play ur role as the mother very well by providing them with good advice, love, support etc (many pple have brought up their children alone without the support of their partners). Don't text him in angry moods but in kindness. Show love to him and i'm sure by and by he will realise he is missing something so makes things right. Try also to make home happy anytime he returns without complains and anger. Once in a while, you can organise a family meeting so you all voice out your feelings to eachother in a peacefull manner and in love (i'm sure with prayers and this, he'l recognise his mistakes and change). Also, make time for your children most often. Try to be there for them always so they become good children and help them free their minds from negative thoughts. Teach them the Love of God so that, that vacuum in their hearts can be occupied with the true Love that comes from no other but Jesus Christ our God only.
Its hard but do this for ur children. The harm has already been done but u can still make things right if you choose to. Put the past behind you. Cast every pain and hurt away. Shake off the negativities. Wipe off those tears, yes wipe them off. Be strong for your children and save ur marriage. Don't quit. Teach ur children from your experience to becareful when going into a relationship.
PRAY TO GOD ABOUT UR HUSBAND AND HAVE FAITH THAT GOD IS ABLE TO CHANGE HIM AS WELL AS URSELF TO BECOME BETTER LOVERS AND PARENTS TO UR CHILDREN.

[Curious cat]

Hi, i'm so sorry that your family is going through such a tough time (your husband included).

It sounds as though your husband travels so much because of work. If he were to stop travelling, will that limit his earnings? Will he still be able to adequately provide for the family and maintain your current lifestyle? I don't know him personally, but i imagine that the average person would not feel like working when they are sick. During the three years that he was not working due to illness (was it three years, correct me if i am wrong), how were your finances? Could there have been substantial debts accrued in that time? That would explain why he would be anxious to get back to work. If it were me and i was the bread winner in the family, i would try to do as much as i can financially today (even if it means working through illness) to ensure my family is covered in case i am no longer here tomorrow.

Now speaking of your anger, if used correctly, anger can be a productive emotion. It can 'lift' you and protect you and even motivate you in certain situations. But do you notice that the high from the anger doesn't last long and soon after, pain and hurt settles in it's place? And if relied upon extensively by continually dwelling on your disappointments, you are prolonging your own pain. I suspect by holding onto your anger towards your husband, you are denying yourself genuine happiness. You deserve to be happy, so why not free yourself from the unhappiness.

I don't know the full dynamics of your relationship but it does sound like your husband cares for you and your daughters. He is after all still providing for you and paying the bills. He also has not filed for a divorce, so on some level he is probably still hoping that things can work out. I understand he also wanted to spend the holidays with the girls. He may not be able to live up to your expectations, but in his own way he is doing the best he can. He is trying.

My parents are still married to this day (my dad is 70), so i don't know what it would have been like growing up with divorced parents but i can say that when they fought and i would hear one criticise the other, it hurt. Kids don't like hearing their parents speak badly about one another whether it is true or not. I am not saying that you consciously do this with your daughters, but i hope you can take this into consideration so that you can catch yourself before you subconsciously bash your husband in front of your daughters because that could be damaging to them. And maybe even in unforeseeable ways such as their self esteem, because like it or not, our parents are part of us, and when our parent(s) are persecuted, we can't help but take on part of that baggage ourselves.

I believe this separation is a great opportunity for you to role model to your daughters important emotional tools that will serve them well in life and help them achieve happiness. Instead of anger and resentment, utilise compassion and love. Show their father compassion and love. You can't control every aspect of their lives and protect them all the time, but you can teach them how to navigate through these life lessons starting with your own actions.

All the best to you and your family.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Haha, I'm sure things would have been okay without me, too. Personally, I don't think your kids will grow up in spite of what's going on in their lives now; they'll grow up because of it. Instead of fighting the situation, incorporate it, make it yours. Don't make problems where they don't have to be.

Can I just say that my children is a new thread by its self. I haven't even touch the surface... I'm sure it will blow your mind. . But I honestly believe its going to be one of those "knock you down" feelings and its get yourself back up child....They are going to have to learn a really hard lesson.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by heroinqueen

I know you'r deeply hurt and not just that but you're highly disappointed in your husband as well. Also, i'm very sure you wished you'd never met him..

True.

Originally Posted by heroinqueen

Well, i'm going to sound a bit harsh but kindly take it lightly and think abt it. First of all, before you met ur husband, i'm very sure you were aware this was the nature of his work ( travelling always ) but still u overlooked and got married to him after he got divorced. So you knew and accepted the nature of his work ( maybe u didn't forsee how the future was like to have such a husband who travels most often ). You will consider that as a mistake but in your case i'l say that u were a bit naive ( i'm not judging u but i'm trying to clarify something here ).
Before i continue, i'l like to ask if your relationship was based on love?.
(well, as u'v said, u didn't date enough to realise this) ..

I knew he traveled and the first wife didn't except it well (it lasted 6yrs) which is what I was told by him...but I did go overseas with him. I supported his work for 16 years. I wasn't naive to that. I was naive to be pused so fast and not a chance to think of my own decesions. Was it LOVE? I thought it was...but it wasn't...because if it was LOVE you don't turn love off after you get well from being so sick. It was a selfish act he chose to leave and he chose to tell me he didn't love me anymore. I honestly believe that I showed "love" when he was sick and I stood by him til he was well. I know marriage has it's ups and downs...but I was stonewall'd for nine months (to make it work but he didnt want to speak to me) and we did counseling with our children and he told the counselor that he didn't want to work on the marriage. So its over and its been two years. I don't hope for that relationship anymore. I have moved on and yes I have found another person.

Originally Posted by heroinqueen

I'm sure there are lots of things u didn't give a 2nd thought but this can not be changed rather u can make the best out of ure marriage inorder to make ur children happy. I will certainly not ask you to divorce ur husband neither will i ask u to date someone else when u'r still married (its wrong and what would u be teaching ur children? remember they are still young).
(Marriages have their ups and downs and u need to be strong and optimistic about the future. If you are a Christian, i would ask that u pray to God to help you who i know will if only u can trust Him cuz He is the best helper u can find.).

I'm teaching my children that you can't make a man stay...you can't make a man love you. You have to love yourself first... God knows my heart and he knows I wanted my marriage to work...but it didn't. So Its done...God has been good to me and still is good to me.

Originally Posted by heroinqueen

Its natural to be angry at ur husband but that doesn't solve the problem, it only makes it worse cuz anger doesn't solve problems, LOVE does. Just love him even when he doesn't call (infact, there are several ways u n ur children can chat with him and that could be through skype, facebook or common emailing if he doesn't like calling)..

My children have phones and he has their number and my number... But as for skype, facebook, or emailing. He doesnt have internet over there...I can't reach him through the internet nor can the children ONLY the phone.

Originally Posted by heroinqueen

Find very good reasons to give to your children why they don't see daddy most often rather than making them feel daddy is the worse of all (if thats what u do). U can tell them something like, daddy loves u all very much but daddy needs to work hard to pay the bills that is why u don't c him most often. Play ur role as the mother very well by providing them with good advice, love, support etc (many pple have brought up their children alone without the support of their partners). Don't text him in angry moods but in kindness. Show love to him and i'm sure by and by he will realise he is missing something so makes things right. .

I can't tell my children anything and I don't give them false hope...yes they know he is working but he is not working the weekends...and they are to smart to know what Dad is doing on the weekend. They have lived it.

Originally Posted by heroinqueen

Try also to make home happy anytime he returns without complains and anger. Once in a while, you can organise a family meeting so you all voice out your feelings to eachother in a peacefull manner and in love (i'm sure with prayers and this, he'l recognise his mistakes and change). Also, make time for your children most often. Try to be there for them always so they become good children and help them free their minds from negative thoughts. Teach them the Love of God so that, that vacuum in their hearts can be occupied with the true Love that comes from no other but Jesus Christ our God only..

He will never return here...until the job "raisen them" is completed until they are 18. And I'm sure when he ask them how did they learn "to drive" or who tought them...it will be out of love that someone who cared did...and I believe GOD will provide that person and I don't think it will be him.

Originally Posted by heroinqueen

Its hard but do this for ur children. The harm has already been done but u can still make things right if you choose to. Put the past behind you. Cast every pain and hurt away. Shake off the negativities. Wipe off those tears, yes wipe them off. Be strong for your children and save ur marriage. Don't quit. Teach ur children from your experience to becareful when going into a relationship.
PRAY TO GOD ABOUT UR HUSBAND AND HAVE FAITH THAT GOD IS ABLE TO CHANGE HIM AS WELL AS URSELF TO BECOME BETTER LOVERS AND PARENTS TO UR CHILDREN.

My tears and love for him are over.

[Kait]

Originally Posted by Curious cat

Hi, i'm so sorry that your family is going through such a tough time (your husband included).

It sounds as though your husband travels so much because of work. If he were to stop travelling, will that limit his earnings?
I don't think so...he didn't have to move...he chose too

Will he still be able to adequately provide for the family and maintain your current lifestyle?yes I don't know him personally, but i imagine that the average person would not feel like working when they are sick.

I think he loved his job so much and was very proud of it and talked about it...It was one thing that was more important then staying in the states with family. He didn't even consider it being a family decesion...and I think it was really crazy to have left his doctors

During the three years that he was not working due to illness (was it three years, correct me if i am wrong), how were your finances?

The finances were fine, I have a family member who does fundraiser for those that are really sick in our community. Plus his his work gave us a huge check. Which I wrote the letter.

Could there have been substantial debts accrued in that time? That would explain why he would be anxious to get back to work. If it were me and i was the bread winner in the family, i would try to do as much as i can financially today (even if it means working through illness) to ensure my family is covered in case i am no longer here tomorrow.

I think my husband went through a mid life crisus along with being sick. He started drinking...and I put my foot down there and he didn't like it. So if you call "going out" and buy a new motorcycle when we didn't need that...debt accured. I would say it was made after the sickness. We were fine after he got well. Now? we are not because he doesn't pay the housepayment on time...it crazy how he does things now..It like, HE IS THINKING. I am going to die soon.. so it doesnt matter...and then I looked at credit card bill that has a 200 CREDIT...lol. Sorry but he is thinking of his self first.

Now speaking of your anger, if used correctly, anger can be a productive emotion. It can 'lift' you and protect you and even motivate you in certain situations. I think that is true.

But do you notice that the high from the anger doesn't last long and soon after, pain and hurt settles in it's place? Not anymore, not with me...just when my children i hurt. do I get angry when he doesn't pay a bill on time I do. Its my credit too.

And if relied upon extensively by continually dwelling on your disappointments, you are prolonging your own pain. I suspect by holding onto your anger towards your husband, you are denying yourself genuine happiness. You deserve to be happy, so why not free yourself from the unhappiness. I thought I did, seriously

I don't know the full dynamics of your relationship but it does sound like your husband cares for you and your daughters. He is after all still providing for you and paying the bills. He also has not filed for a divorce, so on some level he is probably still hoping that things can work out. I understand he also wanted to spend the holidays with the girls. He may not be able to live up to your expectations, but in his own way he is doing the best he can. He is trying.
I think he knows he has NO choice because I don't have the career and can't move out as of yet...and it wouldnt look good in front of a judge. I think he wants me to get the divorce to look like the victim and I believe he should do it because he is the one who chose to leave and abondon his children and wife...But I do believe your right to some degree here because what man would buy his wife a brand new car before leaving...its crazy. but I thought of my children and we needed it

My parents are still married to this day (my dad is 70), so i don't know what it would have been like growing up with divorced parents but i can say that when they fought and i would hear one criticise the other, it hurt. Kids don't like hearing their parents speak badly about one another whether it is true or not. I am not saying that you consciously do this with your daughters, but i hope you can take this into consideration so that you can catch yourself before you subconsciously bash your husband in front of your daughters because that could be damaging to them. And maybe even in unforeseeable ways such as their self esteem, because like it or not, our parents are part of us, and when our parent(s) are persecuted, we can't help but take on part of that baggage ourselves.

I don't believe we did this while we were married all that much but we always apologized and made it right... our arguments never lasted long... It was after the transplant that he wasn't the same person and the name calling a drinking got rediculous

I believe this separation is a great opportunity for you to role model to your daughters important emotional tools that will serve them well in life and help them achieve happiness. Instead of anger and resentment, utilise compassion and love. Show their father compassion and love. You can't control every aspect of their lives and protect them all the time, but you can teach them how to navigate through these life lessons starting with your own actions.

I'm trying and they do see a difference in me...but I'm still waiting for the difference in them and I should explain that in a different thread. I don't believe he is coming in for christmas. All the best to you too. Im sure we will grow from this experience

All the best to you and your family.

[heroinqueen]

Originally Posted by Kait

True.



I knew he traveled and the first wife didn't except it well (it lasted 6yrs) which is what I was told by him...but I did go overseas with him. I supported his work for 16 years. I wasn't naive to that. I was naive to be pused so fast and not a chance to think of my own decesions. Was it LOVE? I thought it was...but it wasn't...because if it was LOVE you don't turn love off after you get well from being so sick. It was a selfish act he chose to leave and he chose to tell me he didn't love me anymore. I honestly believe that I showed "love" when he was sick and I stood by him til he was well. I know marriage has it's ups and downs...but I was stonewall'd for nine months (to make it work but he didnt want to speak to me) and we did counseling with our children and he told the counselor that he didn't want to work on the marriage. So its over and its been two years. I don't hope for that relationship anymore. I have moved on and yes I have found another person.





I'm teaching my children that you can't make a man stay...you can't make a man love you. You have to love yourself first... God knows my heart and he knows I wanted my marriage to work...but it didn't. So Its done...God has been good to me and still is good to me.





My children have phones and he has their number and my number... But as for skype, facebook, or emailing. He doesnt have internet over there...I can't reach him through the internet nor can the children ONLY the phone.





I can't tell my children anything and I don't give them false hope...yes they know he is working but he is not working the weekends...and they are to smart to know what Dad is doing on the weekend. They have lived it.







He will never return here...until the job "raisen them" is completed until they are 18. And I'm sure when he ask them how did they learn "to drive" or who tought them...it will be out of love that someone who cared did...and I believe GOD will provide that person and I don't think it will be him.





My tears and love for him are over.

It looks like you'r done with him. It seems to me that u'v already put him behind you. i don't know what to say so i better not say anything. Just think deeply over every decision you take considering the pros and cons. All the best.

[Kait]

@heroinqueen, Thank You. I hope for peace, love and happiness.

But most of all, I hope that I can have forgiveness.