A difficult situation

[nurse929]

Hello,
I am in hopes that someone out there will have either experience or insight to this situation. I really need some impartial input.
My boyfriend, who I have known for 9 years has been in prison for the last two years. The circumstances around his arrest and incarceration were devistating to us but we have managed to keep our relationship intact for the last two years. I have worked over time the whole time he has been away so that I could afford the travel expense of visiting, the daily collect phone calls, the care packages and what ever it takes to show him that we are "ok" and that he is loved unconditionally. He is 6 hours away. I have been his only support through this horrible time. His family does not extend themselves to him at all.
The problem is that, now he is due home in 2 1/2 months. I don't understand why, but the closer it gets to his release, the harder it gets for us. We have more disagreements and mis-understandings. The tension just seems to build. I thought that by this time things would be easier and smoother and we would be excited and planning for his return home.
For the last 4 or 5 months I have not been getting regular hours at work. I work as an agency nurse and I can be cancelled with very little notice. As an agency nurse when you are cancelled, you are not paid. There is no cusion of vacation hours or personal time to cash in and fill the financial gaps. This has of course affected everything. Money is very tight. I have managed to keep the collect phone calls going for the most part, but the 6 hour, 350 mile weekend trips have suffered greatly. Though we talk every day, I have not been able to visit in 3 months. My boyfriend is taking this very personally. He questions whether or not I truly want to visit. Despite my recently getting a 40 hour a week job as a staff nurse, I still can't visit because I have to be able to catch up on bills here at home before I can spend money on a hotel and gas to make the trip to see him. I know that these guys who become incarcerated learn to question things, they have very little trust, and the majority of relationships do not survive. It is just a sad fact. If the act of crime doesn't destroy the relationship, often the jail or prison time will. I just need someone to give me insight on this. I need to know if I'm over reacting because I am devistated that he would have any question in his mind about my devotion to him and our relationship. Is this a phase? Will it pass? Should I just hang in there? Will he see by my steadfast devotion that I intend to see this through? I am so confused, I thought this would be a happy time for us and it is almost as stressful as the very beginning was.

[openeyes]

I can tell this is challenging for you, and as you mention in the affection thread, everyone needs to feel close to someone, but personally if I were with someone that ended up in jail for 2 years, I would be questioning what got me involved with such a person in the first place and likely move on. You don’t make it clear what landed him in jail, but unless he was innocent and not even hanging out with any shady characters, it seems that he sabotaged the relationship with his behavior. Maybe he saved you from an assault and got himself in trouble as a result. That's the only situation that comes to mind where loyalty may be justified. You mention "his family does not extend themselves to him at all". Might there be a good reason for that? It’s a hard time for both of you, but no one who is disrespectful or argumentative has a place in my life. It’s up to you to decide who has a place in yours. Best of luck.

[nurse929]

Open eyes - When I met him 9 years ago, ironicaly, he was working in law enforcement. It was through his difficult divorce and child custody battle that he made poor financial decisions and ended up on the other side of the law. I feel that there are a lot of good people who make bad mistakes and have to pay the price. When anyone finds themselves in this situation, they need love, understanding and support more than ever. It is that love and support that will help keep them out of jail once they have paid their debt to society and return home. His family is not supportive because they have never been a close family. The father is a functional but abusive alcoholic who exerts great control over the family. It is that abusive control that prevents the rest of the family from lending support to my boyfriend while he is away. My boyfriend is the one person in the family who weathers the fathers wrath and stands up for what he believes in. In our personal relationship my boyfriend has always been very respectful and attuned to me and my emotions. It is only recently that we have these difficulties. That's why it is so upsetting to me, it is not "normal" for our relationship.

[openeyes]

It sounds like he's had a particularly experience filled life. The divorce system in the US is rather messed up, and fathers have little support. It must be hard on a guy to go from being a cop to being in prison, and poverty does poison a lot of potentially good people. I hope that when he gets out you two are able to continue having a respectful, attuned relationship as long as you're together. I don't expect it will be easy, but now I wish you both luck.

Also, in replying to this thread it's best to simply click "post reply" rather than starting a new thread with an identical title. Moderators are apt to delete or mesh together duplicate threads. Also having it as separate threads simply makes it more difficult to follow.

[JohnPlace]

This may sound crazy, but getting out of prison might actually be a stressful experience for him. I suggest this because you mentioned that it's getting harder as his release date approaches.

Any environment change can be stressful. For example, many people are surprised to learn that retirement is one of the most stressful experiences in life - it is stressful because it changes a life dramatically.

He's gotten used to a certain way of life over the last couple of years -- an institutionalized way of life -- and now he's going to have to think like a free man again. Being free includes responsibilities he hasn't had in a long time.

He's also gotten used to your relationship being a certain way. You were his supporter, but the relationship was "part time" by necessity. The prospect of that relationship being full time, and your role in his life changing, may be frightening to him.

It's very hard to give good advice based on a couple of posts, but I feel for you and wish you the best.

[Kamma]

i think the advice which has been given is spot on in that he probably is getting stressed thinking of getting out and haveing to taken on his responsibility in the real world once more. He will probably be feeling very vulnerable and the fact that you have been unable to visit will make it more intense. Please accept that he will be jumping to conclusions etc as he has a lot of time to spend thinking and imagining what is going on.

I'm sure that you both have a long future to build together and that when he gets out you will both have to word harder still to keep it together. I wish you both the very best and lots of happiness.