Why get married?

[ZenFender]

Only for the past year or two have I been truly been looking deeper into the rules and quirks of society. Before, I would just accept everything that society fed me- go to university, get a good job, get married, retire, etc.

But after some thinking, I have gotten disillusioned with all this. And one of my main gripes about society is marriage. Why get married?

If two people "love" each other, what is the point of getting some paper signed? Does it make a difference? I don't see how my parents couldn't live the exact same lives as they do now without getting married.

Am I missing something here? Or is marriage truly a pointless endeavor

[Akashic_Librarian]

Marriage is not about signing a piece of paper, the paper signing is for tax reasons only, it allows you to get a loan, to buy certain things etc..etc..

Marriage is the consented union of two human souls. It is the connect of life with life. Death with Death. it is the Duality of life expressed through love. Marriage is sacred and as a side point. Christians have no right on this Earth to say Gays can't get married, get over yourselves...really.

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by ZenFender

Only for the past year or two have I been truly been looking deeper into the rules and quirks of society. Before, I would just accept everything that society fed me- go to university, get a good job, get married, retire, etc.

But after some thinking, I have gotten disillusioned with all this.

You might enjoy this site:

Dispelling our Institutional Myths

[OlderWiser]

Originally Posted by ZenFender

If two people "love" each other, what is the point of getting some paper signed? Does it make a difference? I don't see how my parents couldn't live the exact same lives as they do now without getting married.

There are legal protections afforded to a spouse that are not afforded to someone who was "only" a live-in lover.

For example, if one partner is significantly injured or becomes seriously ill, the other person in many cases will be prevented from making legal decisions about care and treatment, as they're not the "next of kin". I've heard of cases where the partner was even prevented from visiting in the hospital!

In the case of death, the next of kin issues arises again. Even if you have a will leaving your goods to your partner, in most places it's fairly easy for other family members (parent, sibling, etc.) to challenge the will and win, leaving your partner with nothing. Furthermore, your partner might be prevented from making decisions about the treatment of your remains, even if they knew what you wanted. If the "legal" next of kin intervenes, it can get pretty ugly.

Taxes and other benefits are also affected by having or not having a domestic partnership contract (which is, when you get down to it, what we're talking about). If you bring children into it, there are also legal considerations for them with respect to the partnership.

If you want to immigrate, being legally married can make things a great deal simpler. If you're "only" live-in lovers, a lot of countries don't even recognise that at all. If you want to adopt, some places do not allow unmarried couples to adopt. The list goes on...

Marriage is a legal contract. It's a pretty serious one, as well, and it's one that is recognised and respected by courts and society.

As for how having a "piece of paper" makes your relationship any richer or better, well, it doesn't, necessarily. Some people find that making a public and legal commitment to be very significant. Some don't. It depends on the people involved.

[ZenFender]

Originally Posted by openeyes

You might enjoy this site:

Dispelling our Institutional Myths

Thanks! Exactly what I'm talking about.

OlderWiser, thanks for shedding light on all the legal benefits of marriage (which I was unfamiliar with). But the concept of marriage still pisses me off. Basically, those legal benefits are used as a dangling carrot by the State to encourage people to marry, when the act of marriage itself is utterly pointless.

Another thing that makes me squirm is the fact that marriage is a lifelong promise. I barely know if what I want for lunch today is what will I want tomorrow. So to make a promise that you will FOREVER love and care for someone is in my opinion a very stupid thing to do. Where do we get the Ego to think we can predict the future? People change all the time! The person you marry today might not be the same person in 10 years time.

Granted, I can imagine the great amount of security one would get from getting married, but is that security worth it?

[Dusty]

a school paper I wrote.

Marriage is not a good Decision

I asked myself, “Out of the married couples I know, how many of them seem to be truly happy and content with their marriage?” That’s when it hit me; most people who have been married for a significant time are not happy! I have experienced firsthand how destructive marriage can be. My parents stayed married because they thought it would be better for my brother and I; however, living with a couple whose marriage was expired ended up being more destructive than constructive. Although the institution of marriage can be viewed as a good thing, when the practicalities are taken into account, marriage is not a good endeavor to partake in.

Many people think marriage in necessary for a fulfilling, long term relationship; however, in doing so, one is giving a large degree of power and freedom away. In most cases, this is people confusing love with neediness. The clause “until death do us part” fosters ownership and dependency rather than honor and interdependency. Of course the couple would never think this at the time of marriage, but I have seen it happen more often than not. Ownership, in turn, fosters a multitude of problems. One problem is the couple is much more likely to take each other for granted. Appreciation is gradually diminished in most cases. Paradigms of the two people involved shift, and one another gradually stop holding each other to as high of a standard as each other did before they married. People who get married with good intentions would never think to let this happen, but it subconsciously does in most cases.

Marriage advocates might say, “Marriage is a means to express how each other feels on a deeper level,” ; however, if two people are considering getting married, they should already know how they feel about each other. Why not appreciate each other’s qualities daily on the deep level? Why wait to make ego-vows in the ceremony? Marriage is not necessary to solidify how one feels to another. Some may feel this is so, but this just means they are not completely opening up their heart to their significant other. Marriage advocates might get married in order to proclaim to the world through a contract they love each other; however, this should be evident in how the two lovers interact with each other.

Although one might intuitively know the marriage will be fulfilling over the years, getting married is a foolish gamble. People change little by little every day. Even though people are compatible today, it doesn’t mean they will be compatible later in their life. This can be a great thing for marriage if the couple grows together, but statistics say otherwise. The majority of married couples end up divorcing, and think of how many other couples are unhappily married! From what I have personally observed, and from what others have told me, the majority of married couples are not happy! This is evidence that life is generally meant to be lived in the present moment and that getting married is a ludicrous decision. I know, Hollywood has warped our views of marriage with the whole, “…and the lived happily ever after” line. The clause “until death do us part” only takes into consideration the physical aspect of a relationship while completely ignoring the emotional and spiritual aspects. When the spiritual and emotional aspects of a relationship are dead, the relationship itself is dead.

Although marriage can be viewed as an expression of love, marriage is fear based. This is again the confusion between love and neediness. Marriage extinguishes the fear of loss, which in turn fosters the paradigm of taking each other for granted. This highly increases the chances of a whole multitude of problems as described above. I know there are happily married couples, but that is a rare occurrence if they have been married for a great deal of time. If one participant in a relationship knows the other will not leave him or her no matter what, which is what you are promising in marriage, one is much more likely to be dishonest disrespectful, unfaithful, and so on. They are stuck with each another!

In conclusion, marriage is impractical. How is one supposed to happily promise to do something for decades, even though people’s views are constantly evolving and changing? The people who marry are literally and unnecessarily gambling with their life. Marriage is not necessary to completely open your heart to another. When people get married, statistically speaking, they will not be happy for the planned term of the marriage.

[Dusty]

I wrote that months ago. Looking back, I would definitely change a couple things. As always, take what you like, and throw out the rest.

[Dusty]

Check this out:

NoMarriage.com Marriage Contract

[Michael Chui]

A friend once described it to me, "Two people have something, and they'd like to have it forever."

But I agree that the contract is the thing, and it's stupid.

[Benny2]

“Am I missing something here? Or is marriage truly a pointless endeavor”

It may at times appear pointless but being on my second marriage I can say that I probably would have walked out of my second marriage had it not been for that signed contract. I love my wife dearly and could now never see myself dissolving our marriage. There were times where our marriage was hanging by a thread and God just took His huge intangible hand and wrapped it around the thread and held it together. I am grateful that he did and that I stayed true to my lovely, round, middle age wife who loves children and dogs (we have four dogs).

I would advice people to make sure that they are complete before entering into a marriage for marriage does not complete you, save that for the movies and one night stands. Whatever, your problems are they will double when you enter into marriage.

My pastor actually tries to talk couples out of marrying. If you possibly can live a happy life without been married, do it. However, once you sign that contract you are obligated to fulfill your obligation. Your existing problems just doubled because you are now one person.



In conclusion, I agree, parents need to learn that marriage is not for everyone. If they want grandchildren, consider adoption or being a volunteer grandparent. As a matter of fact a therapist recently told me that the number one reason that people go into individual therapy is because of relationship problems. Marriage is not for everyone but it is for most a necessity and an innate (though irrational) calling.

[Michael Chui]

Heh, speaking of pastors, my favorite argument against marriage is still straight out of the Bible. 1 Corinthians 7.

[Benny2]

Yes I know it well?

It is a gift, which makes it rare.

I see the God word is not often used.

I wonder why?

[escapee]

MAN GOES THEIR OWN WAY MGTOW

http://menforjustice.net/cms/

[Sly Apple Pie]

Marriage, if nothing else, is a symbol - a symbol of love and comitment. To ask someone to marry you is the ultimate expression of how much you love them; how much you want to spend the rest of your life with them. The "contract", rings and whatnot are irrelevant; it is the symbolism that counts.

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by Benny2

If you possible live a happy life without been married, do it.

Luckily I can live quite happily on my own. I would only consider marriage/having kids if it fit "my ideal family setup" as I'd posted about elsewhere, as I know very well that a normal marriage would not work for me (nor does it work very well for most others).

Also it's interesting to see someone posting from nomarriage.com. I'd come across that site (and the many others that work along those lines, including a number of men's rights forums) a couple years ago. It's good for people to be informed of the possibilities.

One issue that is rarely addressed by the various sites against marriage is how the situation differs for the college-educated compared to the rest of the population, as addressed on this (admittedly pro-marriage) site:

The State of Our Unions 2006

[munish]

On Marriage

When one is young, the biological, sexual urge is very strong, and in order to set a limit to it you have the institution called marriage. There is the biological urge on both sides, so you marry and have children. You tie yourself to a man or to a woman for the rest of your life, and in doing so you have a permanent source of pleasure, a guaranteed security, with the result that you begin to disintegrate; you live in a cycle of habit, and habit is disintegration.

Do you think such a relationship is productive of anything except ugly babies and an ugly civilization?

It is only for the very, very few who love that the married relationship has significance, and then it is unbreakable, then it is not mere habit or convenience, nor is it based on biological, sexual need. In that love which is unconditional the identities are fused, and in such a relationship there is a remedy, there is hope.Marriage needs extreme understanding.

[Ree]

Marriage has been around a long time and probably will continue to be an institution. But norms do change. For example, I'm 51 now. 30 years ago when I first entered the workforce as a single woman, I was advised that I was not eligible for maternity benefits under my employer's insurance plan. My employer was the state government. In other words, if I got pregnant while unmarried I was on my own and it was perfectly legal in those days for employers to make that distinction between married and unmarried women!

Thankfully, the times they have a-changed and still are a-changing. These days one may do what is comfortable for oneself and not look askance at those who do differently.

[Benny2]

I thank you for your reply, Openeyes

It was interesting and educational.

It also brought to my attention the need to edit my reply.

[Keith]

A thought:

Marriage legally binds a relationship commitment. Is this more or less committed than not being married?

I would argue less. It is beautiful for two people to choose commitment to each other. The beauty comes from the fact that they choose each other over all others. Once they are married, commitment is no longer a meaningful daily choice - it becomes something they're obligated to do - like wash the dishes or take out the trash. Perhaps they would still choose to be together, but it's a moot point because the choice is not there.

IMO there is no commitment without choice. It's only commitment if you could choose not to be there.

[levelek]

Originally Posted by Akashic_Librarian

Christians have no right on this Earth to say Gays can't get married, get over yourselves...really.

Just wanted to point out that many (devout) Christians think that gays should be able to marry, in fact I know several gay Christians in happy, committed relationships...

Peace.

[Benny2]

Originally Posted by Akashic_Librarian

Marriage is not about signing a piece of paper, the paper signing is for tax reasons only, it allows you to get a loan, to buy certain things etc..etc..

Marriage is the consented union of two human souls. It is the connect of life with life. Death with Death. it is the Duality of life expressed through love. Marriage is sacred and as a side point. Christians have no right on this Earth to say Gays can't get married, get over yourselves...really.

I respectfully disagree.

All American citizen and citizen throught the world who appreciate freedom have just has much right to say they disagree with gay marriages as you have to say that you agree with gay marriages and to vote accordingly.

I understand that my community(Christian) has done much wrong to the gay community. I appologize for these Biblically unsupported actions.

However, we still have same right to present our views individually and collectively as the Gay Nation does.

My brother is gay. He knows my views on this issue. I still love my brother and want him in my life.

Also it is not just the Christian community that do not agree with gay marriages. Many non Christian do not agree with gay marriages because it goes against their concept of what a marriage should be.

Perhas with all the gay bashing that my community is responsible for we deserve to get some bashing back or perhaps the gay nation will empathize for we too claim not to be able to help what we are as well.

Peace
Benny2

[openeyes]

Some cynical (though perhaps correct) people believe that gay marriage is largely promoted for the divorce revenues it would ultimately bring lawyers. Right now it's a huge untapped market.

[Red Willow]

I think marriage is a business contract and it is very necessary for some people. If you went into business w