A Taxonomy of My Platonic Relationships

[OptimistPrime]

(For the purposes of this post, "platonic relationship" = a relationship without physical intimacy and/or sex, a.k.a. a friendship, and "romantic relationship" = a monogamous relationship with physical intimacy and/or sex.)

I was talking with someone here via PM about passionate feelings (a.k.a. sexual attraction, romantic interest, amorousness, etc.) and how they figure (or don't figure) into platonic relationships. While discussing my own past experiences with this, I noticed that there are several different contexts in which I have been in platonic relationships with women:

1. I have feelings for her which I have not communicated, so I don't know whether she has feelings for me or not.
2. I had feelings for her that I communicated, and she told me that she didn't feel the same way.
3. I had feelings for her, but have since concluded that we're incompatible (in terms of a romantic relationship) for reasons other than her rejecting me.
4. I've never had feelings for her.

In the first case, it's pretty straightforward. I really have a flame going for her, but I'm keeping it hidden for one reason or another. This often causes me to have "What might be if she felt the same way?" thoughts, which will keep the passionate feelings alive inside of me. Usually the only thing that can quench the fire is if I confess my feelings and get rejected, in which case the relationship moves into category #2. Or if I discover something about her that makes me realize that we'd be incompatible, in which case the relationship moves into category #3.

In the second case, the kind of feelings I have depend on how I handled her rejection. Nowadays, I'm generally willing to take a woman's lack of attraction to me at face value and just move on, romantically. In the past, though, there were times when I wasn't willing to accept it, and I'd keep re-stoking my passionate feelings with thoughts of "How could I get her to change her mind?". However, when I do accept a woman's lack of interest, I find that my feelings "go dormant", so to speak. I use that term because the feelings could be rekindled if the woman changed her mind and began expressing a romantic interest in me, but unless that happens, my passionate feelings have pretty much gone into hibernation. I can only rekindle them briefly in my mind by imagining a world where the impediments to a romantic relationship don't exist, or I remember back to times in the past when my feelings for her were still burning bright.

In the third case, I also experience this dormancy of passionate feeling. If the circumstances--the ones that make me think we're incompatible for a romantic relationship--change, my feelings could be rekindled. And I can briefly rekindle them in my mind by using my imagination or memories in the way that I described above.

In the fourth case, it's also pretty straightforward. I've never had feelings for her. Usually the only way I can start to have passionate feelings for someone in this case is if we experience something that makes me see her in a whole new light. For example, if she says something provocative or sexy to me, or if she lets me say something provocative or sexy to her, and she responds positively to it. That can cause me to start having some passionate feelings. (This has only happened to me once, and I didn't act on my new feelings because I considered us to be incompatible. So my feelings went dormant within a day or so, and our platonic relationship became a category #3.)

How about the rest of you? Does any of this resemble your own experiences?

(And if you have criticisms about the futility of categorizing this type of thing, be aware that I'm just doing this for fun. I know that things don't always fit into neat little boxes where attraction and relationships are concerned. )

[Michael Chui]

That works surprisingly well.

I can kind of see a two-axis graph: "Extent I've communicated my feelings" and "Who decided we would be incompatible". #4 would be "not on the graph".

[aelle]

Being in a relationship, my platonic relationships are in one of 3 categories:

1. I feel so little attraction for this person I actually find him slightly repugnant. Of course I'm not going to tell them about it, since I'm a lady.

2. I can't help it but this person makes the small of my back tingle. Of course I'm not going to tell them about it, since I'm one man's lady.

and the huge majority between these two extremes: 3. I have actually never stopped to consider whether or not I'm attracted to that person. If there has been flirting or sexual tension between us, it's been completely lost on me. I relate to that person as though we were both sexless, or family.

The funny thing is that category #3 was already a big one before I was in a relationship. It's where most of my friends in a serious relationship, gay male friends, colleagues, professors, and all sorts of people with whom it would have been inappropriate to have sex with, were categorized automatically. And then if someone from that group told me they had feelings for me it always came as a big shock, or even felt slightly dirty.

[C33]

How do you deal with the dormant passion?
It might be like a volcano ready to erupt at any time.

I don't think these subterranean feelings are good in the long run. Energy wise, they might be little storage units of love energy that is not offered to the world.

However, sometimes, the dream is better than reality. If you stick around long enough, you might see that person you were so in love with is not that interesting after all and you made her so, in your head.

I find that re-directing the passion towards an object, an activity or a piece of art brings much more satisfaction in the long run.

The feeling of yearning is quite beautiful and romantic though, and it can be a motivating element to get one's life together, as far as deciding you want to be wanted by those you want.

Also, there are people who are in long distance relationships that are platonic through circumstances. In that case, they can express their feelings, just not physically.Also, a lot of marriages turn into platonic relationships. Some people make it work. Possibly because they express their love and the presence of love matters most than the presence of sex.

[OptimistPrime]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

That works surprisingly well.

I can kind of see a two-axis graph: "Extent I've communicated my feelings" and "Who decided we would be incompatible". #4 would be "not on the graph".

Yeah, while I was falling sleep last night, I was thinking that another way of looking at it would be in terms of what kind of relationship I think I'd prefer my relationship with someone to be:

1. I think I'd prefer to be in a romantic relationship with them. (Category #1, and Category #2 when I haven't accepted the rejection and haven't moved on emotionally.)
2. I think I'd prefer to be in a platonic relationship with them. (Category #3 and #4.)
3. I don't have a preference either way. (Category #2 when I've accepted the rejection and have moved on emotionally.)

Also, I forgot to mention it last night, but category #2 and #3 on my original list can overlap somewhat. For example, I'm friends with one woman who has rejected me and I've accepted that, but since becoming friends with her I've come to see us as being incompatible. So it's no longer a case where I have no preference either way; I actually prefer being in a platonic relationship with her at this point.

Originally Posted by aelle

The funny thing is that category #3 was already a big one before I was in a relationship. It's where most of my friends in a serious relationship, gay male friends, colleagues, professors, and all sorts of people with whom it would have been inappropriate to have sex with, were categorized automatically. And then if someone from that group told me they had feelings for me it always came as a big shock, or even felt slightly dirty.

Interesting; thanks for sharing your list.

Originally Posted by C33

How do you deal with the dormant passion?

I allow it to exist without suppressing it, and in most cases I'm honest with the other person about the fact that, if circumstances were different, I'd probably be interested in a relationship with them.

Originally Posted by C33

It might be like a volcano ready to erupt at any time.

The only time I've had these feelings "erupt" was when I've thought that circumstances between me and the other person had changed to the point where the prospect of a romantic relationship between us was becoming a real possibility. In every case, though, these changes of circumstance have turned out to be inadequate for that purpose. After a day or two, my passionate feelings go back to being dormant again.

Originally Posted by C33

I don't think these subterranean feelings are good in the long run. Energy wise, they might be little storage units of love energy that is not offered to the world.

Well, I consider myself to be very well-attuned to that kind of thing, and I've never felt like dormant passion was a burden or energetically harmful. I have felt that way about passion that isn't dormant, which I'm allowing to just seethe away inside me while I keep it hidden from the person I'm feeling it for, though. Maybe that's the type of situation you're envisioning? Because I'm talking about something that feels very different from that.

On the other hand, maybe I'm unusually pragmatic about my passionate feelings, and that makes it easier for me to be comfortable being in a platonic relationship with someone I find attractive. It certainly seems like some people are incapable of doing that. Is it because they pine away for the other person? Like I described above, I usually only find myself doing that when I don't know how the other person feels about me, or if I know that they're not interested but I've failed to accept that fact.

Originally Posted by C33

However, sometimes, the dream is better than reality. If you stick around long enough, you might see that person you were so in love with is not that interesting after all and you made her so, in your head.

Absolutely. I think this is what happens when I have those "If only she knew how I felt!" thoughts when I'm hiding my feelings for someone, or having "How can I make her change her mind?" thoughts when I've failed to accept someone's rejection. I start getting into a fantasy of how great things would be between us if only the impediments to a relationship weren't there.

Originally Posted by C33

Also, there are people who are in long distance relationships that are platonic through circumstances. In that case, they can express their feelings, just not physically.Also, a lot of marriages turn into platonic relationships. Some people make it work. Possibly because they express their love and the presence of love matters most than the presence of sex.

Yup. In my case, I'm pretty much only interested in having offline romantic relationships with people, because I find online-only ones (as well as long-distance ones in general) to be too confining for me personally. So when a woman doesn't live near me, I generally regard the two of us as being incompatible for a romantic relationship.

[Clint Cora]

My platonic lady friends are nowhere near as complicated as your classifications. They are simply women are who really nice people I have no sexual attraction for. Makes things pretty easy and uncomplicated

Some of them have been my friends for 20 years or more.

[OptimistPrime]

Originally Posted by Clint Cora

My platonic lady friends are nowhere near as complicated as your classifications. They are simply women are who really nice people I have no sexual attraction for. Makes things pretty easy and uncomplicated

Some of them have been my friends for 20 years or more.

That's great, Clint. If you don't mind me asking, do you avoid platonic relationships with people you're sexually attracted to, or is it that you only feel sexually attracted to women you're dating or in a romantic relationship with?

[Rezzy7]

I experience 1 and 2 a lot, and 4. I've rarely been in situations, if I was attracted to a woman, where I there is any opportunity to learn enough about her to know we are incompatible. So I almost never experience 3. Any woman I like, I just like, and that's the way it is. Usually forever.

Originally Posted by aelle

3. I have actually never stopped to consider whether or not I'm attracted to that person. If there has been flirting or sexual tension between us, it's been completely lost on me. I relate to that person as though we were both sexless, or family.

The funny thing is that category #3 was already a big one before I was in a relationship. It's where most of my friends in a serious relationship, gay male friends, colleagues, professors, and all sorts of people with whom it would have been inappropriate to have sex with, were categorized automatically. And then if someone from that group told me they had feelings for me it always came as a big shock, or even felt slightly dirty.

THIS is where I seem to wind up with almost every attractive woman I've ever met!! It's like it's automatic the moment she is aware of my presence. It has been quite frustrating trying to understand why, or at least, how to get a different result more often.

[OptimistPrime]

Originally Posted by Rezzy7

I experience 1 and 2 a lot, and 4. I've rarely been in situations, if I was attracted to a woman, where I there is any opportunity to learn enough about her to know we are incompatible. So I almost never experience 3. Any woman I like, I just like, and that's the way it is. Usually forever.

That's interesting. Is it because the qualities that make a person incompatible with you in a romantic relationship also tend to be qualities that would make you incompatible as friends, as well? In my case, there are many personal qualities that would rule someone out for me as a potential girlfriend, but wouldn't rule them out as a potential friend. For example, if a woman wanted kids, lived far away from me, or expected her boyfriend to spend every day with her.

[Rezzy7]

Originally Posted by OptimistPrime

Is it because the qualities that make a person incompatible with you in a romantic relationship also tend to be qualities that would make you incompatible as friends, as well?

The reason is most of the time when I meet someone attractive there simply is no opportunity for any kind of interaction beyond the initial meeting. And by "meeting" I'm referring to anything from a random encounter in an elevator, to being introduced to her by someone else. Then she goes away and I never see her again. This is why I have so much "work" to do socially, because my whole lifestyle/habits/routine (or lack of any routine) has not been conducive to much prolonged interaction. But also, when you're only meeting women randomly, only occasionally, you have to have a very good skill to get her attention and give her reason to have interest in future interaction, and be able to do so very quickly, at the drop of a hat. I'm working on it.

[Clint Cora]

Originally Posted by OptimistPrime

That's great, Clint. If you don't mind me asking, do you avoid platonic relationships with people you're sexually attracted to, or is it that you only feel sexually attracted to women you're dating or in a romantic relationship with?

That's a really great question! I think in my younger days, I may have very well chosen my platonic lady friends carefully by sticking to those I'm not attracted to so I won't get into any 'trouble'. But now in my older days, I've open up my social circle to attractive platonic friends as well, some are even married.

The big difference these days is that I'm confident enough that I have enough self control to keep my pants on so to speak with respect to any attractive woman who happens to be platonic. I won't get into trouble as a result but I think that's only a result of the self control that was developed over the years. It's basically thinking more with the big head rather than the little head downstairs!

[OptimistPrime]

Originally Posted by Rezzy7

The reason is most of the time when I meet someone attractive there simply is no opportunity for any kind of interaction beyond the initial meeting. And by "meeting" I'm referring to anything from a random encounter in an elevator, to being introduced to her by someone else. Then she goes away and I never see her again.

Ahhh, understood.

Originally Posted by Clint Cora

The big difference these days is that I'm confident enough that I have enough self control to keep my pants on so to speak with respect to any attractive woman who happens to be platonic. I won't get into trouble as a result but I think that's only a result of the self control that was developed over the years. It's basically thinking more with the big head rather than the little head downstairs!

Yeah, that's similar to my experience. I've definitely become more comfortable having platonic relationships with attractive women over the years. When I was younger, it was harder for me to believe that there were "plenty of fish in the sea," since there had only been a small handful of women that I had ever really felt strongly attracted to. As I have those kinds of feelings for more and more women over the years (and also keep meeting women who are more and more compatible with me, personality-wise), I no longer feel so desperate and clingy towards a woman when I'm attracted to her.